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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

289 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 08:22

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm exhausted and angry

My lovely friend found out she was the other woman last night after being very much in love for 13 months. Obviously that's over and she's devastated. She's promised him she won't tell his girlfriend as he threatened to harm himself

I've been cheated on and I'm furious on both their behalf. I don't want to cause trouble and I'll probably be told its not my business but I would want to know myself
Do I tell her?

OP posts:
Zippy1510 · 07/08/2021 10:13

I would encourage my friend to let the gf know or at least make sure your friend is ok with you contacting her. I don’t understand all these keep out of it comments. Stop enabling the cheating bastards to get away with it!

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:13

@Hekatestorch

If you are only going to do it, if your friend agrees. Then there's no problem is there?

If she can't face it and asks you to do it and you are happy to do it, why ask here?

You fully believe this woman has a right to know. Your friend would agree. So, from your point of view, there's no dilemma in that situation.

Except, your friend doesn't want to. So you are actually asking if you should go behind your friends back.

But, imo, that's a shitty thing to do. No matter what, it will be blamed on your friend. What's happened to your friend is shit. He is a shit. But you making this worse for her, isn't going to help her or this woman.

I think you want to tell her, to punish this man for you being cheated on by someone else. And it's making you convince yourself you are doing something altruistic, when it's actually not.

This is bang on, especially the last paragraph.
PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 10:16

@Zippy1510

I would encourage my friend to let the gf know or at least make sure your friend is ok with you contacting her. I don’t understand all these keep out of it comments. Stop enabling the cheating bastards to get away with it!
Why don’t you go back and read those posts? We’re all against the op telling the bloke without her friend’s permission.
OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 10:16

Well if you start going about reporting on cheating parters just because you know you are acting as morality police. You are not doing it for the sake of the partner being cheated on you are doing this as you feel you know what is best for them it will make you feel better

What else would you report on

Child abuse is a completely different issue an incorrect helpless child is involved who isn’t able to make decisions for themselves

Alondra · 07/08/2021 10:17

@Pollypocket89

I wouldn't say I'm overly invested. I'm angry and exhausted, I've been up all night consoling my friend and seeing the damage he's done to her.
You are over invested. She is the only person to make that decision, not you. You should support her, not make decisions for her.
DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:18

@PanamaPattie

Send an anonymous letter. Your name isn’t mentioned but it will be enough to make the girlfriend think about her relationship and your friend can truthfully deny sending it.
Anonymous letters in these circumstances are so, so low.

"I think I have enough involvement in these people's lives to have the right to launch a grenade into them, but not so much involvement that I think I should take my share of the flak. I think this situation warrants drama and pain for everyone except me."

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 10:19

Please read properly, I've said a few times I'd only do it with my friend's full support

No one is making her decisions for her

OP posts:
cansu · 07/08/2021 10:21

Poking your nose into this will cause a lot of grief to your friend. Let's imagine you do this and he did attempt to harm himself?

You are not involved in this. It isn't for you to decide. If you were my friend and you did this, I would not forgive you. You risk losing your friend.

PurpleDaisies · 07/08/2021 10:23

@Pollypocket89

Please read properly, I've said a few times I'd only do it with my friend's full support

No one is making her decisions for her

That’s not what you were saying in your first posts though. I’m guessing some posters aren’t totally convinced you’ve changed your mind.
OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 10:23

It’s not your business to correct his behaviour or try to

Your business is to support your friend

How do you know they don’t have other issues going on in their lives. You don’t and by reporting on ho is about how you feel nothing to do with his partner

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:24

@Pollypocket89

Please read properly, I've said a few times I'd only do it with my friend's full support

No one is making her decisions for her

Don't do it at all. This is nothing to do with you.

If she's happy for you to tell her, there's no reason she can't do it herself.

Rosebel · 07/08/2021 10:25

Do you know his girlfriend? If not how are you planning to tell her? Do you honestly think she's going to listen to a stranger over her boyfriend (who will probably lie and say it's a malicious ex or something).
I mean tell her if that's what your friend wants but I don't think it'll achieve anything.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 10:27

@Pollypocket89

It's not a marriage and they're only 25. So I don't her to waste her life on that

Part of it is absolutely because I don't think he should get away with it but a bigger part is trying to give someone the truth because it's not fair

If I do it, I won't do it anonymously and only with my friend's full support

If you will only do it with your friend's full support, you've already made up your mind. It's just a question of waiting to see if your friend agrees or not. She said she wouldn't spill the beans to his girlfriend but not that somebody else wouldn't.

When I read that he had bought a house for his girlfriend and himself to live in (more likely, they bought it), it was obviously a serious relationship. Prior to that I thought it might not be but setting up house together is serious & the fact that he is so scared of girlfriend finding out that he threatens suicide confirms that even more.

I doubt he would commit suicide, he would more likely extricate himself somehow, though you never know.

I'm sorry for your friend being strung along for over a year. I wonder how he managed it, it couldn't have been easy covering his tracks. The fact that she fell hard for him makes it so much worse, it will take her quite a while to get over, poor girl. However she is young and will get over it eventually, it will be far more difficult for the live in girlfriend.

What a mess!

Hekatestorch · 07/08/2021 10:28

@Pollypocket89

Please read properly, I've said a few times I'd only do it with my friend's full support

No one is making her decisions for her

So what's the issues.

If you friend wants you to tell her and you are happy to, what's the problem?

Goldielow · 07/08/2021 10:32

No, it's not your business. Of course we'd all want to know if we were the one being cheated on for 13 months, but this is seriously not your business and you getting involved from the sidelines isn't necessary. If your friend has chosen not to say anything then what makes it your business to?
Your emotions are influencing a decision that could blow up in ways you can't even think of. I'd stay the hell out of it.

Californiansunsets · 07/08/2021 10:32

If it were you who he was seeing then yes tell her, but it isn’t so I would leave well alone and I say this as someone going through a marriage breakdown because of this.

If our friend decides to tell the lady then support her, it should be her that tells not you. The man is a manipulative twat for saying he was going to bar himself, it’s a tactic that’s used to get what they want.

Alondra · 07/08/2021 10:33

@Pollypocket89

Please read properly, I've said a few times I'd only do it with my friend's full support

No one is making her decisions for her

I do read properly. From your posts it seems you are in the driver's seat in making the decision.

It's up to her to contact the g/f, not you.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/08/2021 10:33

I haven't ever said I would do it without my friends permission, if that's what you read from my op, then that was your own interpretation

My issue is and was, not knowing the right thing to do. And it's clearly not clear cut as there are so many differing opinions

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 07/08/2021 10:33

No, but your friend should.

OhWhyNot · 07/08/2021 10:37

Ask yourself is their relationship any of your business

You know the answer to that

DrSbaitso · 07/08/2021 10:38

@Pollypocket89

I haven't ever said I would do it without my friends permission, if that's what you read from my op, then that was your own interpretation

My issue is and was, not knowing the right thing to do. And it's clearly not clear cut as there are so many differing opinions

Well then...first, do no harm.
Alondra · 07/08/2021 10:43

This is g/f, b/f relationship. No marriage, no kids and I suppose no financial issues.

Instead of feeding into the drama, you should be supporting your friend to move on and getting on with her life. Involving yourself into telling his girlfriend is just creating more drama.

Vilanelle · 07/08/2021 10:45

Fuck all to do with you

LindaEllen · 07/08/2021 11:04

It's absolutely none of your business. If your friend wanted to tell her, that's another matter, but it's nothing to do with you.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 07/08/2021 13:31

If your friend backs you then absolutely do it! I hate people messing around with people’s sexual health and emotions.