To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

[GirlWithABrokenSmile]

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

That sounds SO exhausting. I see you’re going, warn dh you will freak out if she touches your bump and he needs to fend her off or everyone will regret Saturday.

Well I think that you are being foolish to go tbh.

Think of yourself-no one else is doing!

I agree. What you think and feel is valid, also. You think it's a bit too long (I would find the drive there and back for an evening too long, not factoring the tiring nature of your PIL's company). If it seems too long to you, if you are already tired, if you don't enjoy these occasions much at all, that is valid information.

I would listen to yourself, over a bunch of people here who haven't even read your opening post properly, etc.

It's time to get your OH and his mum used to the fact that he married an independent woman who doesn't want to spend all her time with her. It's your OH parents, not yours. He needs to understand that you don't mind spending some time with them, but you don't have the emotional link to them that means you want to spend as much time as he does. His mum needs to appreciate and respect this and that although she gets excited to see friends and families because she has so much time in her hands, you don't and need to be selective.

Don't be rude, so still go and see them, show some engagement when you do, but build in the fact that you won't be going everytime your OH is.

I can tell you exactly why your poor MIL has an ED and has to clean the toilet and is suffering with anxiety it’s because she is married to a horrible man. The fact that he will be that brutal with his comments in front of you, I can only imagine how bloody awful he is to be around when not in company.

My in laws divorced before I met DH. My MIL has disordered eating and some pretty strange little rituals that are harmless but time consuming. FIL was a horrible bully as is SIL. Though MIL has been divorced for 25 years her little behaviours remain, I dread to think how the poor woman would have been if she had stayed with FIL. Your description of your FIL reminds me very much of mine. My MIL has been much calmer and less anxious since he died three years ago.

However you need to see them when it’s ok for you and they are so entrenched in a pattern of behaviours they aren’t going to change. I know that feeling of dread I used to have it when I saw FIL. He fortunately retired overseas so we hardly ever saw him. What was odd was when he knew he was dying of cancer he suddenly became a much nicer person.

YANBU, send DH on his own.

Good God. I would limit visits to this pair because they are excruciating, pregnancy or otherwise. The toilet thing! Horrific.

I think you need to have a candid conversation with your husband about how you experience his parents, and start putting a bit of distance between you and them. This situation will get worse as time goes on, so you need to set some limits now.

You sound as though you don't think you deserve to put your needs as a priority. If you don't, nobody else will.

I wouldn't go op . That's a long journey for a not enjoyable evening. I'd cry off on the day saying you were unwell and let DH go on his own.

I agree with Auntienumber8. Your mother in law is almost certainly insecure and anxious because of her husband. I can't get past the fact that she won't visit because you have neighbours. That is far from normal behaviour.

That being said, you are about to become a new mum and your baby comes first. They will have to adapt and start coming to you sometimes. You really need to talk to DH about this and get him on board.

And don't go to the event if you feel it's too much.

Absolutely NO WAY would I be going! Start getting everyone used to DH going by himself sometimes. When the baby comes he can sometimes take your child by himself.

You are not a horrible person. Just because they are family does not mean you have to spend so much time with them, so regularly. Now is the time to put yourself first.

I wonder if people saying YABU do not have difficult in-laws/family so don't understand the sheer weight of each visit? Or possibly have family living round the corner and pop round all the time.

I see my in-laws every few months at most. They are lovely people but sound eerily similar to yours - very, very hard work. Honestly I can't cope with more than that. It has taken me years of stress to get to the stage where I can admit/accept this and tell DH to go himself.

You are not feeling well on the day and need an early night. That's that.

Even if the Ils weren't so awful & the Op not pregnant, driving for one & a half hours at 10.30pm after going to see something that you're not bothered about for a couple of hrs is a PITA!

If you're feeling that unwell at twenty weeks maybe speak to your midwife you might be deficient in iron or vitamin D. We went to Portugal when I was twenty weeks and it was a very active holiday and I was travelling all over the country for work mainly driving until the week before DS was born.
I'd also directly challenge any rudeness. 'oh we don't like spending this much time with them' ok shall we go then? Etc

If you don't like your in-laws don't go but don't make excuses around pregnancy because you don't be pregnant for that much longer and the issues will still be there. I'd have quite a lot of sympathy for your MIL who probably is the way she is after years of FIL.

I think your in-laws are in your life waaaay too much, and that your DH is being unreasonable expecting you to spend so much time with them, and to pressure you to go this time, when you've said to him you're not up to going.

They're very draining, their problems aren't your problem, plus you have bipolar, are pregnant, and it seems are going through the house-buying process.

I think you could still change your mind and say no. I think your DH is largely at fault here. You both need to spend less time with them, but especially you. There is no rule that says you have to spend hours and hours of your time with your in-laws. Start setting boundaries now.

a1poshpaws
As to someone who said to think about needing them as babysitters when the baby's born - gosh, what a truly selfish, silly thing to propose: if they're as awful as they sound, you would neither want to subject your child to them, nor to be beholden to them. Unless you haven't a friend in the world, just ask friends to babysit.

I very much agree!

Not to mention that a babysitter who is one and a half hours' drive away and won't come to your house because it has neighbours really isn't a lot of use as a babysitter. That would be six hours out of your day just getting to them, getting home again, going back to collect the baby, getting home again again. The price of the fuel and wear on the car would probably pay for a babysitter rather more convenient, even if your time is completely without value.