To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

[GirlWithABrokenSmile]

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

My in laws are great and I enjoy their company but they live a similar distance away so we only tend to see them every 6-8 weeks. Every 10-14 days seems a lot, especially if things are difficult/ strained.

Just say you’re very tired and don’t feel up to it this time, and send dh on his own.

“ And if I'm honest, right now, after a week of crazy work and lots of baby/house buying stress, the idea of carrying 6 hours or so of conversation, plus 3 hours in the car, feels like too much.”

Then say that. Explain it’s too much after a long week and ask them to yours. If they refuse you have tried. You’re not going to be able to do so many journeys with a tiny baby so they’re going to have to start coming to you!

Threads like this make me thank my stars I don’t have in laws.

No way on God’s earth would I make a journey that long once every 10 days to see people I haven’t chosen to see who have no social skills.

I can’t believe the OP is being accused of meanness.

Why do some people think a woman has an obligation to become a mini-me and helper to her MIL.

Fuck it off OP. Once a month is more than enough.

@catfunk

I would absofuckinglutely refuse to visit someone who announces after 45 mins they're bored of you now and stops talking.

Wouldn't even make excuses about pregnancy I'd just say they are rude and unpleasant and you wont put yourself in that position. DH can go himself.

I think this is the best reply I've read on this thread so far. @catfunk is spot on.

I’d get DH to tell her “unfortunately @GirlWithABrokenSmile has plans until (whatever time you previously agreed) but I’d love to come”, and then just join them later.

@GirlWithABrokenSmile

I managed to miss three whole pages, somehow...

To answer some questions, because I know it's frustrating when people don't.

Do they ever come to you OP, or is it always expected that you and DH drive to them?

They don't come here, we have neighbours and MIL can't relax around people she doesn't know. They will meet us in the middle, to be fair to them, but they want to watch this event this time.

Does MIL need to clean the bathroom every time?

Yes. I'm not sure if it's an anxiety thing or what, but they have very set routines. She doesn't really like you touching anything in the house, but they will get you a drink etc if you want one. But the toilet must be cleaned by MIL after every use. If anyone runs the tap, it has to be wiped down with a teatowel first, and then shined with kitchen roll.

I wonder why they don't move closer.

MIL would, FIL won't consider it. MIL has wanted to move for years. They wouldn't do childcare, though. FIL doesn't like children and I'm not sure MIL would cope, although she's very excited.

They're absolutely not the type of people who would come hold the baby so I could have a nap, or whatever. Not that I'd expect them to be, but a few people have mentioned that.

I try with them, clearly not well enough, but I really do try. FIL is blunt and abrasive, MIL is very anxious and has clear ideas of how things should be. She sobs if you say no to anything. Our wedding venue was changed at the last minute last year because of Covid, she became so inconsolable that it wasn't what she expected that the registrars paused proceedings to let her calm down, and then she left early. They offered to do our washing for us once, as our washing machine had broken - when we bought a new one, she refused to talk to us for the rest of the meal.

I really do try. I don't hate her because she's DH's mum, or my MIL. This isn't some campaign against in-laws. I just find mine quite difficult, as does DH. I'm trying really hard here, even if I'm falling short.

And if I'm honest, right now, after a week of crazy work and lots of baby/house buying stress, the idea of carrying 6 hours or so of conversation, plus 3 hours in the car, feels like too much. I don't know that I can do it. And if I don't do it, MIL will think they've upset me and cry, and it'll be even worse. I don't even want to see my friends, to be honest, I just want some space and fewer mental demands for a bit.

Gordon Bennett, and someone said you sounded like hard work! Seems to me that the person doing the heavy lifting is you -- or as you put it, "I really do try". Would you feel that you had an obligation to see anyone who behaved at you as these two do, if they were not related to you by marriage?

It occurs to me that the reason your DH wants you to be there and doesn't want to visit them on his own might be that he actually finds it intolerable and needs you there to take some of the heat. If they were my parents I'd want backup too.

Have you ever considered that your M-i-L might benefit from really high quality counselling? all this uncontrollable crying over total trivia can't be normal.

Oh, and "they want to watch this event this time." Um, you said in your OP that he wants to; she will go along with it but I suspect wouldn't watch it if she were on her own.

I’m sorry, just seen it’s 90mins away! Just cry off altogether. I’m sure DH will have a nice time and so will you!

@FrownedUpon Well,aren't you a bright ray of sunshine and giggles! Did you dip your keyboard in vinegar before typing out that lovely message?!

Why does everyone have to go for an even that only FIL seems that bothered about?

Wouldn't he rather watch alone with no danger of having to talk?

Don't go if you don't want to. You married their son not them, so why do you need to make a big trip to see them every 10 days? Women are always expected to forge close relationships with inlaws on MN, but men get away with having little to nothing to do with their inlaws. My DH sees my mother at Christmas, other than that I see her on my own and nobody minds, but if I don't accompany him to see his parents then there are comments and tutting. I'm post menopausal now and past caring

"catfunk

I would absofuckinglutely refuse to visit someone who announces after 45 mins they're bored of you now and stops talking."

Absolutely.

All this clamouring for Op to make an effort for people who make no effort back.

Dont go!

Yes it's nice to make an effort for your husbands sake. But a quarter of every other weekend or so when they sound actively difficult is too much. As someone said above, it's not your job to facilitate a relationship between your husband and his parents. If he wants to see them every other weekend well then he can but firstly I'm not sure why he puts himself through it and secondly why on earth can't he see them by himself at least half the time. It sounds like he feels obliged to spend time with them and needs your support while he endures them...but if he doesnt enjoy putting himself through that even though he loves them, why would he want to put you through it too!?

3 hours in one day is quite a lot to travel, for a couple where one seem rude and dismissive and the other seems high maintenance and over emotional, without being knackered and pregnant. I think it's a bit unfair of him to expect that actually, at least as frequently as he does. It's ok for him to have a relationship with them outside to your relationship as a couple with them.

I don't understand some of the really unkind responses to your post.

Your reasons for not wanting to go gave me the shudders - I cannot bear those kinds of interaction (or lack of any in your FIL's case!) and if I were in your position I would tell my husband very definitely that I wouldn't be going.

You didn't marry his parents. If he wants to see them that's his choice but he has no right to force it on you.

As to someone who said to think about needing them as babysitters when the baby's born - gosh, what a truly selfish, silly thing to propose: if they're as awful as they sound, you would neither want to subject your child to them, nor to be beholden to them. Unless you haven't a friend in the world, just ask friends to babysit.

Id not go tbh. You are pregnant and its tiring. Anyone reasonable would understand that and not be offended. Just tell them you are too tired and are just going to rest in the evening. Tell your DH to go without you. They are his parents and his responsibility.
I'm an introvert and I think this is what it will come down to on this thread... there are some extroverted people who just do not understand how draining interacting with people can be. Not everyone finds 6 hours of company easy. I absolutely could not handle seeing my inlaws or even my own parents every 10 days!! Luckily neither set try to see me that often. But I really feel for introvert or only children who marry into extroverted or close nit big families.... its hard.
OP its totally fine to have boundaries and just say you are tired. You are seeing them often anyway its not like you arent putting any effort in.

Your latest update OP bloody hell they sound exhausting. You’re doing very well seeing them every two weeks or more. Time to wean off that a bit before the baby arrives. They sound very difficult to be around and it’s not up to you to fix their problems.

And you definitely don’t sound like a horrible person or a bad DIL

@HalzTangz

So MIL makes the effort to travel to spend time with you in town, which much also be tiring for her. You should go to the meal and event. My take on this is when baby comes along you won't get to go out much, babies are time consuming and bloody knackering. Make the most of all social events now whilst you can

OP makes and effort to see her MIL. OP is going out of her way to see the MIL. She probably has other things she wants to get on with but takes time out to meet her MIL for coffee instead.

The least the MIL could do is not get hysterical because her pregnant exhausted DIL wants to rest.

MIL’s son will be around why is OP required to be there?

FIL isn't just boring, he's either deliberately very rude or an extremely odd personality. I think I'd make efforts fir his mum's sake, but not plan to spend much time with FIL. What brahma's will he come out with as grandfather?

I think do whatever makes you most comfortable OP. There's no shame in not wanting to spend extended time with them. I definitely get what you mean about being in certain company can be exhausting in itself! If you don't want to go, then don't, and DH is a big boy- he's old enough to see his parents by himself surely!!

My MiL also decided it was OK to touch my stomach constantly without asking when I was pregnant with DS (half of my hating it was that I was quite sensitive to touch when pregnant and it increased my nausea. The darker side being I'd been in an abusive relationship before meeting DH so have some understandable issues around non-consentual touching). They live 3 hours away and we saw them every 4 weeks. I can honestly say I was grateful that covid meant I went untouched for the entire pregnancy with my second child!

If you're pregnant you can do what you like...up to a point of course.
Pregnancy can be exhausting at the best of times and your in laws sound next level.

They sound really dysfunctional actually. I think you're doing pretty well to tolerate them at all, I'm not sure I could.

So you won't get home until midnight? That is very relevant.

Otherwise it sounds like you can eat and chat (though five is early, why not arrive at 6.30 to east at 7?), then zone out and snooze while they watch telly. Is it a live event though, that you have to go to? In which case, you'd need to pee too often and are too tired.

But up until 10.30, home at midnight? Nah.

do you really have to be there until 1030,
can't you leave early if fil doesnt even talk and dh is not that interested

OP your in-laws are both manipulative and abusive, like my parents. They are trying to dominate your time regardless of whether it’s too tiring for you. It has the effect of stopping you from having enough time for your own needs and friends. Unless you stop this you will end up with no friends, just them. It’s all about them, you making all the effort, your DH needs to man up and look after his pregnant wife and baby instead of pandering to his parents and expecting more of you than he does of himself.