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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

214 replies

GirlWithABrokenSmile · 05/08/2021 16:46

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 19:34

Girlwithabrokensmile: They don't come here, we have neighbours and MIL can't relax around people she doesn't know.
.......
The neighbours don't live in your house, surely? I have neighbours but my visitors wouldn't be getting up close and personal.

As for cleaning the toilet after anyone uses it, does she go there and clean it immediately? That is most odd.

However people do have idiosyncrasies.

It's up to you what you do but I would have thought seeing them every ten days or so - maybe fortnightly after you've had the baby and definitely not when your baby is very small - is reasonable enough.

I wouldn't fancy an hour and a half trip each way at your stage of pregnancy though.

It sounds as though your father in law is more of a pain than the mum. However your husband is used to him, it's rare that anyone can see their parents through the eyes of others.

I think you might be glad of them one day, op, or at least glad of mother in law. You did say they are lovely after all.

Susannahmoody · 05/08/2021 19:34

Omg this sounds horrendous. 3 hours in a car? Watching some show? In a house where people are obsessive loo cleaners?!

Set the standard NOW op, cos you'll appreciate it when your baby comes along.

Saoirse82 · 05/08/2021 19:36

@Onesailwait

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?.
This exactly.
diddl · 05/08/2021 19:38

Five & a half hours there plus three hours travelling-it's not really "just dinner" is it?

The eight until half past ten would be more than enough!

Hadjab · 05/08/2021 19:40

We went out for a meal two weeks ago and after 45 minutes, FIL said that he had nothing left to say to us and totally stopped talking. The atmosphere was awful. He even told the waiter that they don't like spending this much time with anyone when he served us

I know this isn’t funny, but it did tickle me in a perverse way. How has he managed life with this attitude?

Whysolong7 · 05/08/2021 19:40

Could you skip this visit saying you’re needing to rest but suggest a lunch out just you and MIL? Seems like she is driving all the contact, a lunch could be much shorter and easier if it’s the two of you?

Also get them into FaceTiming or Google duo if they live a long way away. A regular 30 min call will help them feel they are ‘in touch’ with you in quite a low effort way, no travel. Catch ups every 3 days even might put less emphasis on getting together every 7 days and make it easier to be 14. Also makes it easier for DH to go on his own now and then when they feel they see you quite a bit via Google.

Even if they are not digital savvy duo is easy once they have been shown.

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 19:41

@FrownedUpon

You sound really mean & selfish. You may value a relationship with them one day (when you need a babysitter). Just go & don’t be miserable.
Yeah, women should be forced to make long journeys to sit with rude people who they don''t much like, because otherwise the social contract will be broken, & these uppity women might realise that their lives are their own to lead.
diddl · 05/08/2021 19:41

You're thnking too much of others & not enough of yourself Op.

Does anyone in this scenario actually care about you?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/08/2021 19:42

You’re not a nightmare, OP. You’re pregnant and tired, and that’s allowed.

I would send your DH alone or just go for the event and not the meal.

It sounds like your FIL is awful company! Switching off like that. No wonder MIL is bored and wants your company. Not your job to paper over the cracks of her life though.

godmum56 · 05/08/2021 19:43

I'd be a bit cagey....if you and DH have put a lot of effort into training your in laws, I wouldn't ease off now. It may even be that they will see less of you for a while after the baby is born and it might be a good idea for them to understand this now...that DH might visit and you will excuse yourself. As for this visit, if you don't feel you can manage it then don't go.

worriedatthemoment · 05/08/2021 19:43

At first I thought ybu but then see its a 3 hr round trip and read your updates
Could you not just go for nibbles or bring in a takeaway on your way and eat at 7.30 so less time
I don't know maybe say all you can eat at moment is Chinese / fish and chips etc
Also thought seeing them every 10-14 days wasn't much but again assumed round the corner , that seems like you both make a lot of effort if so far away

mediumbrownmug · 05/08/2021 19:43

I wouldn’t go in your shoes, even if the ILs and I got on like a house on fire. Pregnancy is different for everyone, and if it genuinely feels like too much (and you sound like you have house stress, baby stress and a new medication to boot) then you shouldn’t go on a three hour round trip to try and pretend to be at your best for an additional six hours. It’s okay to take care of yourself and the baby first, instead of your MIL first (it really doesn’t sound like your FIL enjoys it, to be honest).

alphabetllama · 05/08/2021 19:43

Nip it in the bud now or else you are going to have some seriously entitled grandparents on your hands. Establish your boundaries. Once every 10-14 days is A LOT

IgnoranceIsStrength · 05/08/2021 19:45

I know what you are saying. My DHs now deceased Dad and Aunt were the same (both unmarried so came as a pair to any dinner). Both retired and no hobbies and literally nothing to say. Actually nothing. I would try and make small talk or talk about the news or just anything but it all falls flat. Dinners become a real sap of energy.

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 19:46

DH is a big boy now OP, he doesn't need you to tag along to hold his hand while his dad ignores you, makes pointed remarks about how he doesn't like spending time in your - company, & his mum is busy cleaning the loo after you use it when she's not poking you in the belly.

You need to set the scene now, or you will forever be DH's sidekick.
See them every second or third visit, & duck the rest. MiL needs friends & a hobby - you are not her social support animal.

And, when you do see her - be prepared for the belly-poking. Make sure you have a calm statement ready "don't do that please, I don;t like it" or whatever. No need to make a big deal of it - but you are not her object to be prodded at will.

BiscuitLover09876 · 05/08/2021 19:46

You're pregnant and exhausted so you're going to rest up. You'll see them again in a fortnight. Ridiculous! You need to set boundaries now before the baby comes along.

Bbq1 · 05/08/2021 19:48

It's a shame because they sound a bit lonely and enjoy your company. You've listed all the things you dislike about them and thru sound perfectly decent p. Why can't you see them more often than 10-14 days?

mediumbrownmug · 05/08/2021 19:50

@Bbq1

It's a shame because they sound a bit lonely and enjoy your company. You've listed all the things you dislike about them and thru sound perfectly decent p. Why can't you see them more often than 10-14 days?
Possibly because FiL has said outright that he would rather spend less time with them, not more. I’m not convinced that thoroughly decent people do that, tbh.
diddl · 05/08/2021 19:50

@Bbq1

It's a shame because they sound a bit lonely and enjoy your company. You've listed all the things you dislike about them and thru sound perfectly decent p. Why can't you see them more often than 10-14 days?
GrinGrinGrin
diddl · 05/08/2021 19:51

I think that when you've had the baby they should be doing some of the travelling.

With any luck they won't bother & that will mean less visits!

GoWalkabout · 05/08/2021 19:51

Not every 10 days!

RightOnTheEdge · 05/08/2021 19:52

@Bbq1

It's a shame because they sound a bit lonely and enjoy your company. You've listed all the things you dislike about them and thru sound perfectly decent p. Why can't you see them more often than 10-14 days?
Please say that was a joke Confused
Bluntness100 · 05/08/2021 19:54

Isn’t there compromise? Just say no you don’t want to meet for food, your husband will need to suck it up. Meet them at 8 and leave at ten thirty when it’s finished. She invited not demanded, your husband I’m sure can come up with an excuse.

DoingItMyself · 05/08/2021 19:54

You don't have to allow anyone to touch your body. Tell them firmly, NO!

Send your dh to the event alone, making the excuse you're pregnant and very tired.

joystir59 · 05/08/2021 19:56

It sounds suffocating. May too much contact and that feeling of having to fend them off and defend your independence and privacy. I can't stand needy people.