To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

[GirlWithABrokenSmile]

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

Whatever you decide about this event, I think you and your DH need to have a plan for what happens when your baby is born. If you are expected to travel with a baby 90mins each way every 10-14 days and feel uncomfortable when you are there it will be awful. If I were you I would be up front and tell them that you have too much on with the baby/work etc and don't have time to visit as often. I'd also suggest that they visit you instead of you going to them. That way you won't have the journey to make with a baby, will save 3 hours and can be in charge of the day. You'll also be able to nip off to watch TV on your own to have a nap if you get tired

If I were you, next time I would just decide on the day that I felt too ill to go. Trust yourself that you know what is best for YOU in this pregnancy, not everyone else.

@GirlWithABrokenSmile

Thanks all. I don't think I'm a horrible person... maybe horrible people don't know that they are.

Anyway, I've taken the majority opinion, as I said I would - I sometimes lose perspective with this stuff, I find them full on and difficult and I'm off my bipolar medication because of the pregnancy, which is making it more challenging to see when it's reasonable to be struggling and when it's not.

I've talked to MIL, and we'll go.

Oh wow. That’s brutal. No wonder MIL wants to see you all the time, she’s probably bored stiff living with him.

Yeah I expect that's the problem. He's very selfish. MIL has wanted to move closer to things to do for a long time... he's very happy not seeing anyone or doing anything, and he refuses to look at different houses. He's quite happy watching sport and entertaining himself.

Thankfully now that things are open again, she's enjoying being able to go to coffee shops and the gym and shopping, but I think she's a bit lost that she used to go with one of DH's cousins, who has now got a full-time job. I do meet her for coffees and things when I can, and she does have a few friend groups who meet for lunch twice or three times a week, but I know she's lonely and I do try to be a good DIL.

You sound absolutely lovely OP, and she is very lucky to have you. In future I would try to do more with just your MIL and less with FIL. I think she will totally understand and just be happy that you are making the effort

Gosh the majority view is pretty horrible.

Honestly, you are doing more than enough. Your DH really needs to be a big boy and visit his parents on his own for this event. Twice a month for that drive is masses, frankly. No one should be obliged to see their parents basically every weekend (and shopping trips!) just to fill a void in their lives. And when the baby comes, you'll definitely need to include some boundaries - no driving all over the place and enough rest for you (and the baby).

MIL sounds lonely, but you matter too.

I thought this thread was going to be about something else.

Leaves disappointed.

I would not be making excuses as to why I didn't want to visit anywhere, despite any prostestations from difficult people. You should always do what you feel like doing for yourself. You don't have to get into a pattern of life, that others expect of you.

I think you should look after you now, OP. Its a lot of effort for you to make this weekend when pregnant. Why do it if it is to watch some activity that neither you nor MIL are interested in? Why can't your DH go on his own and go out with his DF? And in future they are going to have make more effort - come to you if they want to see you.

I would call it off saying you are too tired and not feeling up to the journey.

I managed to miss three whole pages, somehow...

To answer some questions, because I know it's frustrating when people don't.

Do they ever come to you OP, or is it always expected that you and DH drive to them?

They don't come here, we have neighbours and MIL can't relax around people she doesn't know. They will meet us in the middle, to be fair to them, but they want to watch this event this time.

Does MIL need to clean the bathroom every time?

Yes. I'm not sure if it's an anxiety thing or what, but they have very set routines. She doesn't really like you touching anything in the house, but they will get you a drink etc if you want one. But the toilet must be cleaned by MIL after every use. If anyone runs the tap, it has to be wiped down with a teatowel first, and then shined with kitchen roll.

I wonder why they don't move closer.

MIL would, FIL won't consider it. MIL has wanted to move for years. They wouldn't do childcare, though. FIL doesn't like children and I'm not sure MIL would cope, although she's very excited.

They're absolutely not the type of people who would come hold the baby so I could have a nap, or whatever. Not that I'd expect them to be, but a few people have mentioned that.

I try with them, clearly not well enough, but I really do try. FIL is blunt and abrasive, MIL is very anxious and has clear ideas of how things should be. She sobs if you say no to anything. Our wedding venue was changed at the last minute last year because of Covid, she became so inconsolable that it wasn't what she expected that the registrars paused proceedings to let her calm down, and then she left early. They offered to do our washing for us once, as our washing machine had broken - when we bought a new one, she refused to talk to us for the rest of the meal.

I really do try. I don't hate her because she's DH's mum, or my MIL. This isn't some campaign against in-laws. I just find mine quite difficult, as does DH. I'm trying really hard here, even if I'm falling short.

And if I'm honest, right now, after a week of crazy work and lots of baby/house buying stress, the idea of carrying 6 hours or so of conversation, plus 3 hours in the car, feels like too much. I don't know that I can do it. And if I don't do it, MIL will think they've upset me and cry, and it'll be even worse. I don't even want to see my friends, to be honest, I just want some space and fewer mental demands for a bit.

A meal and watching TV can't be that tiring can it?

@Onesailwait

They've asked you to go for dinner, not a 10mile hike. How exhausting can it be?.

I think OP means mentally exhausting. Socialising with family, especially when they are not your own, can be very wearing/tiring. Plus she's pregnant ffs, I think some of the people on here have forgotten or do not know how tiring pregnancy can be!!

Also with regards to your in laws, I get people can be tiring but they've done nothing wrong and you really should make an effort with the parents of the person you love. Just smile and nod.

I wouldn't be going and think every 10-14 days is way too often. People may call me awful but like some pp's have said you're not responsible for their emotional needs and shouldn't have to do things you don't want to do to appease them.

I would understand if you had said you haven't seen them in a few months - maybe then it would be a nice thing to just visit even if you didn't want to - but seeing as they see you so often it's ridiculous to feel pressurised to see them now.

Honestly I'd just say no, you're not feeling up to it and leave it at that.

@NoSquirrels

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Both your DH and your MIL are unreasonable in this scenario, btw.

I agree, he's pathetic not wanting to go without you. You are not joined at the hip. Tell him to go and you do your own thing - relax and have some time to yourself or visit friend/your own family. Don't get stuck in a rut of always feeling the need to visit them just because they invite you, or just because Dh says so. You do not have to go.

People are being utter dicks to you, OP.
Just because they climbed Everest at 21 weeks with their 3 year old triplets balanced on their head while playing the national anthem on the bagpipes...
You are pregnant, exhausted and you don't want to go. That should be the end of it. All the emotional energy being drained out of you over this... It's not on.
Nobody who gave a fuck about me would be making these sorts of demands of me when I was pregnant and struggling. Why can't your DH see that?

They both sound batshit.
I'm the mother of 3 sons btw and I still think you should set boundaries now and not get sucked into spending so much time traveling and indulging their, frankly crazy, behaviour!

@lastqueenofscotland

3 hour round trip and you see them every ten days?! God fuck that.

@lastqueenofscotland 🤣🤣 I thought that too

Wow, I don't see my parents that often and they're only 45 minutes away. I see my unless even less and they're even closer. A three hour round trip

And don't even get me started on the cleaning. When your baby is crawling or toddling around is she going to be following them around with a cloth and bottle of flash spray every time they reach out a sticky finger to touch something?

They sound awful and you appear to have been more than patient with them. It is not up to you to deal with their issues like some kind of substitute therapist. By all means keep being kind and polite but don't become a doormat to such demanding people - MIL crying every time she doesn't get her own way (and during your wedding! ) is deeply manipulative and attention seeking. If they won't sort their own lives out, don't feel you have to do it for them.

I really think you sound very tolerant and kind considering the details you are giving. My PiL only live twenty minutes away but I see them maybe every two or three weeks. DH will see them every ten days or so. Do what you feel like. How often you see them seems a lot to me especially as they live quite far away.

@godmum56

Its the bump touching thing i would hate. Why do people feel allowed to do that?

They don’t. Anyone with an ounce of respect for other people asks.

Well your update sounds beyond stressful and I can only imagine that having to face this so regularly must be very very challenging.

I think your husband is pathetic to insist that you go and you may need to start putting your foot down as he seems more concerned about himself than his pregnant wife.

Your FIL sounds like a pig and your MIL is a ball of anxiety, living on her nerves with the bully of a husband.

Kindly meant OP but what a shower.

I would be very wary of the whole lot of them.

You mind yourself.

Stand your ground nip this in the bud! Send your Dh o his own.. and keep it up
You'll be thankful when he has to visit with a teething 1 year old on a Saturday afternoon 😀

I think your husband needs to start seeing his parents on his own. There's no reason you should have to go with him every time, if you'd rather not. They're his parents, not yours, however lovely they are. As for your MIL's wish to be involved with her first grandchild, that's wonderful, but there's time enough for that after the baby comes. In the meantime, there's only so much to discuss! She can chat to her son about it, if you're not there.

If I were you and I did decide to go, or rather, any time you go to their home, I'd take something to do. Some portable, relaxing hobby.
If you knit or crochet, that would be ideal. When the conversation fizzles out, I'd pull out my crochet and have at it. You can still set it down and chat if someone comes up with something to say, but I wouldn't just sit there twiddling my thumbs, stifling yawns, and wishing I could leave. That's ridiculous! I wouldn't care or worry about whether they thought it was weird or rude, either. It's weird and rude to have people over, then ignore them after an hour. It's weird and rude to insist on cleaning the toilet every time a guest uses it. (?!?!)

Failing the hobby idea, I'd just chat to my husband and MIL and ignore FIL. I'd go so far as to make a list of conversation topics. ... Or just endure it for a set amount of time (15 or 20 mintues?) and then look at DH and say it's probably time you headed back home, step outside for fresh air, whatever. They can't honestly expect you to sit around in awkward silence for hours. I'd simply refuse to do that, tbh.

You don't want to go so don't!

Can't your husband cope without you there??

Can't see why everyone is pushing you to do it-seems as if you see more than enpugh of them-& they sound awful!

I wouldn’t go and I’m not pregnant! Let dh go on his own. Say you’ll meet mil for a coffee somewhere half way between the two of you in a week or two.