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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

214 replies

GirlWithABrokenSmile · 05/08/2021 16:46

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 05/08/2021 17:30

You really don't see them that often and it's not a long time, its a few hours. I think you should suck it up.

godmum56 · 05/08/2021 17:30

Its the bump touching thing i would hate. Why do people feel allowed to do that?

CBroads · 05/08/2021 17:32

Me and my partner bought a house together about 3 months ago, ever since her parents are obsessed with coming round. We've actually had to ban them and turn them away at the door. So I can sympathise OP, just don't go. I don't go to any of my partners family events, it just drains me.

billy1966 · 05/08/2021 17:33

@lastqueenofscotland

3 hour round trip and you see them every ten days?! God fuck that.
I think that is a lot. Particularly as it's torturous.

Send your husband.

You need to start this.

He may take your child on his own when it's older.

They are HIS parents.

I think it is unreasonable to force this on yourself whilst you are pregnant and tired.

Don't go.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2021 17:33

Bloody hell - 3-hr round trip! I’m surprised you’re going at all for something that lasts only 2.5 hrs itself.

I’d go but say 5pm is too early, as we’ve got plans in the afternoon so why don’t we pick up a takeaway on the way over, MIL, and we’ll be there about 7pm.

If she hates cooking and FIL only lasts 45 mins of chat then 7pm food and event begins 8pm is perfect.

Encourage DH to meet his mum out and about more by himself.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 05/08/2021 17:33

1½ hours + 1½ hours is three hours travel, and you arrive at 5pm and stay until when? 10.30 plus a bit of saying-goodbye time, call it 11pm? That's nine hours total, and not getting home until after midnight. I wouldn't have wanted to do that when I was half-way through a pregnancy. Not even to visit my parents who were fascinating and great fun to be with. Well, I know I wouldn't have, because I didn't! They lived about that far away in time, 1hr 40 minutes, and we only saw them there if we were going to stay the night.

MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

And that should be entirely up to you! Anyone who had demanded to lay a finger on my pregnant midriff would have lost that finger to the elbow.

3scape · 05/08/2021 17:33

You're pregnant, morning sickness and exhaustion can really wipe you out .... maybe bravely waving away DH for a lovely time while you nap? Wink

Whatinthelord · 05/08/2021 17:34

If my DH really wanted to go I would probably go along as a one off to keep him happy. I’d just make sure that meeting for that length of time doesn’t become routine or expected.

The bump touching is another issue, that would crop up at some point anyway. Prepare a strong statement to let her know she can’t touch the bump and let your DH know you expect him to back you up.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/08/2021 17:34

At 90 minuets each way I'd wouldn't want a meal and then a sporting event either. Some pregnancies are just harder work than others too.

I'd be saying yes to one but not both.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 05/08/2021 17:39

Personally I think a meal beforehand is a nice idea and will start the evening of well.

But that doesn't mean you have to suck up and do this every 10/14 days. Especially considering there's a total of 3 hours driving on top of that!

The likelihood is you'll probably have a nice time once you're there and you will feel silly for fussing - I say this because I can be like that and I've recognised this in myself.

Ultimately though, if you feel genuinely tired and uncomfortable doing this atm then there is nothing wrong in sitting this out and DP/DH can attend alone - they're his parents afterall.

LoveFall · 05/08/2021 17:40

I would try the take out or order in route to try and shorten the evening. Is she wanting to go out for the meal? That always adds time and makes the whole thing more tiring.

Could you eat during the event? Pizza or something similar?

I know what you mean about the toilet cleaning thing. Makes visiting just that bit more stressful when you feel you are thought to have cooties!

I also think begging off due to fatigue is quite a good idea. I'm betting MIL would be happy to miss it also. DH and his Father can have a bonding time!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 05/08/2021 17:41

@Cuddlyrottweiler

You really don't see them that often and it's not a long time, its a few hours. I think you should suck it up.
It’s 6 hours plus 3 hours in the car.

She does this 3 times a month.

They stop talking to her after 45 minutes, and tell strangers, in front of her, that they’ve had enough of her company.

Send DH on his own. If he can’t handle that, he can choose not to go either.

Looneytune253 · 05/08/2021 17:42

Every 10-14 days is not a lot. In fact I'd say it was quite minimal.

BastardMonkfish · 05/08/2021 17:45

You won't be able to keep up driving all the way over there and back in the evening when you have a baby and even less so when your baby is older and in a routine so they might as well get used to the fact that you won't be there as much. Having said that maybe MIL knows this and wants to make hay while the sun shines so it might be nice just to go along with it for now.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 05/08/2021 17:45

Lucky people who've had easy pregnancies! I'd have been exhausted too with this plan ( and I have lovely non exhausting in laws!).

I think it'd be a good compromise just to go for dinner and come home early.

thinkingaboutitall · 05/08/2021 17:48

I am in agreement with you OP

But if you do go, maybe compromises need to be made on both sides. Does she have to clean the bathroom after every use? At the end of the day, you’re pregnant and may need the bathroom frequently. Her cleaning the bathroom each time you go in 1. Puts her out/is inconvenient for her, and 2. Shines a light on how often you use the bathroom, which shouldn’t be an issue as you’re pregnant after all. Just tell her you’ll wipe it yourself

Also does it have to be lunch at 5pm, can it not be later in the day? Perhaps they could just order takeaway to save her being in the kitchen all morning in prep.

DownstairsMixUp · 05/08/2021 17:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

thinkingaboutitall · 05/08/2021 17:51

seeing someone you don’t particularly gel with, every 2 weeks, for 6 hours each visit is a lot

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/08/2021 17:52

@Looneytune253

Every 10-14 days is not a lot. In fact I'd say it was quite minimal.
For grown adults to see their parents??

Good grief.

billiebeeme · 05/08/2021 17:55

Yeah I was going to say suck it up etc BUT a 3hr round trip, NO! Very couple of months maybe but every 10 days my god that's insane. I often got back pain and used to be so uncomfortable maybe when I was further on though but still.

You need to have a talk with dh about this as you will. It feel comfortable travelling 1h30 each way as u get bigger and more uncomfortable. I would have suggested an overnight but not if ur fil can't be arsed talking to anyone!

Are they expecting u to be bringing a young baby every 2wks or so. Set expectations now, u can't travel so far with a young baby without stopping a few times etc and it would be a massive pain in the arse.

Reallybadidea · 05/08/2021 17:58

How is every 10 days not very often?! I don't think there's anyone other than my husband, kids and colleagues that I see that often, certainly for 5/6 hours at a time!

nokidshere · 05/08/2021 17:58

Just don't go? What's the problem here? You are pregnant, tired and cba with difficult people. Just tell dh to go alone.

JaninaDuszejko · 05/08/2021 17:58

Every 10-14 days is not a lot. In fact I'd say it was quite minimal.

Did you miss the part where she said it was a 3h round trip? At that distance once a month is more than acceptable, it's at the absolute limits of a day trip distance. I feel for her MIL who lives with a boring husband but as the baby grows and starts having activities etc there won't be time to keep up this schedule.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/08/2021 17:59

@Looneytune253

Every 10-14 days is not a lot. In fact I'd say it was quite minimal.
Minimal perhaps if you live just round the corner. But a 3 hour round trip makes it very different. Do they ever come to you OP, or is it always expected that you and DH drive to them?
atlastifoundit · 05/08/2021 18:00

@FrownedUpon

You sound really mean & selfish. You may value a relationship with them one day (when you need a babysitter). Just go & don’t be miserable.
And have her FIL tell her that he's nothing left to say and then sit there in silence?