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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

214 replies

GirlWithABrokenSmile · 05/08/2021 16:46

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 05/08/2021 22:26

But what I really want to say to you is, that as you don't have parents, all the unconditional love and support that you might have been able to expect from parents (your actual, or notional ones), now comes from you. You have carte blanche to look after yourself.

chalamet · 05/08/2021 22:27

I regularly stay the night at my in laws and posts like this make me very glad that they are the most laid back people on the planet. I just nap on the sofa and play with their 5000 animals.
Personally I’d probably go in your situation because I think it would be less exhausting in the long run than dealing with the fall out and then once you’ve done it you don’t have to do it again for a while… or at least you have more scope to put it off! They sound pretty dreadful.

chalamet · 05/08/2021 22:28

I mean, really what should happen is your DH should stand up for you and tell them what the deal is.

robotcollision · 05/08/2021 22:29

You are pregnant. You are exhausted. These are genuine reasons to cry off. DH can just say that you are shattered felt under the weather. No further explanation needed.

comingintomyown · 05/08/2021 22:32

What a thread ! I spend time with people I want to end of story, all these nonsense replies about “family”
Anyway the replies show everyone thinks differently so just do what you would like to do taking only your DHs feelings into consideration, and having considered his feelings stay the fuck at home !

Bbq1 · 05/08/2021 22:35

I wasn't joking initially but I didn't get the bit about fil being unpleasant tbh. Clearly mil is trying to escape him. It's more complicated than it sounded at first.

callmeadoctor · 05/08/2021 22:36

I have no idea why you r DH won't go on his own?

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 05/08/2021 22:47

3hr trip, plus dinner and the watching an event with PIL who stop talking after 45mins, all on top of being pregnant.......hell no!

I have a MIL who talks absolute drivel, shes doesn't do much so she hasn't much to talk about and repeats the same thing, she completely zaps my energy so I understand where your coming from.

If this was just 'friends' that you were visiting the responses would be along the lines of why do you keep this friendship if you don't get anything out of it, I get you can't 'dissappear PIL' but you can restrict what time you spend with them for your own sanity.

therocinante · 05/08/2021 22:53

Honestly they sound like very hard work and every 10-14 days is a LOT anyway - I don't see my own mum that often and we didn't see DH's mum that often and she was lovely.

Added to the fact that MIL sounds bloody horrendous (making your wedding all about her, anxiety or not, is shitty) and your FIL is just a dick AND the fact that it's a 3 hour round trip... Nope. Don't go.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2021 22:57

@callmeadoctor

I have no idea why you r DH won't go on his own?
Because it's two 1/5 hour journeys and a 5 - 6 hour ordeal in the middle on his ownsome without a sympathetic partner to share the driving and lighten the atmosphere. I don't blame him for preferring his wife to come along, but he really needs to consider how much of a strain it will be for her. I mean, he's inflicted this grim couple of ILs on the poor woman by marrying her; the least he can do is give her a free pass once in a while.

On a side note, I do kind of wonder whether some of the posters on this thread have even read it. They seem to have this image of their parents who are sane, supportive and live no more than a couple of miles away; of a breezy pregnancy where you don't feel tired after the first trimester; of the OP as a lady of leisure with perfect health who just can't be bothered with the poor old folk. The responses would have been perfectly reasonable if any of these things had been the case. But they aren't.

HelloDulling · 05/08/2021 22:58

@callmeadoctor

I have no idea why you r DH won't go on his own?
Apart from the fact that they are clearly bonkers and he wants a ally/witness?
Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2021 23:03

Bah, meant to say 1.5 hour journeys, obviously.

Allycott · 05/08/2021 23:07

What's the event? Is it football?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 05/08/2021 23:16

Isn't this what Monopoly was invented for?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 05/08/2021 23:34

@lastqueenofscotland

3 hour round trip and you see them every ten days?! God fuck that.
And fuck the 6 hour visit too. 2-3 h every 3-4 weeks, more than enough.
lottiegarbanzo · 05/08/2021 23:35

The thing is, if your antisocial FIL wants to watch an event on television, why doesn't he just watch it by himself? He'd be happier doing that, surely!

Your MIL might be bored and lonely, yes. Her son could go and keep her company, if he likes. Longer term, she could get help, get over her anxieties and get out and visit people more.

You are not her daughter. Don't feel you have to play at being her fantasy dd. Any real daughter of such a nightmare pair would have emigrated to Australia before now.

Freddiefox · 05/08/2021 23:43

Do they ever come to you OP, or is it always expected that you and DH drive to them?

They don't come here, we have neighbours and MIL can't relax around people she doesn't know. They will meet us in the middle, to be fair to them, but they want to watch this event this time.

You need to change this now before
Your baby comes along.
Drives me insane that both my mum and mil feel we should do all the traveling. The outcome is we see then less. But that’s their problem.
When they moan I remind them they are welcome to come see us.

quizqueen · 05/08/2021 23:57

I bet if there's an inheritance likely coming that it won't be refused, so be nice and give them some of your time. When you are old, how do you want your child to treat you?

therocinante · 06/08/2021 00:03

@quizqueen

I bet if there's an inheritance likely coming that it won't be refused, so be nice and give them some of your time. When you are old, how do you want your child to treat you?
Equally, how would OP's in laws want their parents to treat them?

Would they want to be forced to sit in uncomfortable silence because their parents were bored of listening to them and told passing waiters they didn't want to be there?

Would they want their wedding halted because someone was crying over a change of venue?

Would they want their own parents to ignore them for half an evening because they bought a new washing machine?

Works both ways. Seems both FIL and MIL behave pretty badly - I don't see why their son and daughter in law should stand for it just because they're older.

cherish123 · 06/08/2021 00:14

Just go. It will be fine. I would not want to do 5-6 hours every 10 days, though.

SkaterGrrrrl · 06/08/2021 00:33

You see your in-laws every 10 days? That's a lot. I see mine about once every month or two and I love them, they are fab.

milkyaqua · 06/08/2021 02:20

Jesus, they sound so awful they could have their own sitcom. I wouldn't go for that length of time. After all, your FIL has said he runs out of conversation after 45 minutes. Why can't you, tired and pregnant, run out of energy after 45 minutes. That's only half the drive there! They can't help how they are, you can't change them, god love them, but I would avoid seeing them as much as possible and let their son do it.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 06/08/2021 02:59

Sorry if I've missed it but are you accessing counselling since you're not taking your medication just now?
You sound overwhelmed. I don't think it's the ILs tbh. Being pregnant is a big adjustment and it will be throwing up lots of emotions. I think you have to be careful that you're not withdrawing when you actually should be seeking out support and trying to nurture the support networks you already have. Flowers

ClaryFairchild · 06/08/2021 03:33

Op, your in-laws are batshit, they really are.

Seriously, you need to find a better way of dealing with this.

If FIL ignores you, stop talking to him and continue conversing with MIL and your DH. If your MIL gets the huff and stops talking to you during a meal - leave.

If your FIL is going to be a dick at a meal pick up your MIL and go out and have a meal just with her.

Seriously, you need to draw a line on what is appropriate and what is not or they will fuck your DC up mentally with their abhorrent behaviours.

If you have to leave a meal because of their bad behaviour, leave extra time before you see them again. They need to know there are repercussions to behaving badly.

It might seem a waste of time to do that drive and leave shortly after you get there, but really it's the only way to make them realise there will be repercussions to behaving badly.

RainingZen · 06/08/2021 03:33

Yanbu. Your FIL sounds a bit anti social. Even if you weren't pregnant, you're not obliged to see them every week.

I'd call MIL up and jabber on about how much DH isnlooking forward to watching the event, but you are feeling so, so tired with the pregnancy and work, and have an idea to have a quiet evening all to yourself where you just have a bath, read a book and fall asleep at 8pm.

It's good to set some precedents for DH visiting them alone, and for you being able to say no.

Maybe giving the MIL a job to do might make her feel more involved and busy - could she say, make some cute bespoke blackout curtains for the nursery, or crochet a blanket, or spend some time on her local FB market site looking for excellent value 2nd hand baby toys and books? My mum joined a local knitting group and absolutely loves it, they make blankets for refugees and little knitted hats for premature babies etc.

In many ways she sounds rather sweet and over keen, rather than pushy and overbearing. She might be keen to help.