Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

214 replies

GirlWithABrokenSmile · 05/08/2021 16:46

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

OP posts:

aramox · 05/08/2021 19:56

Every 10-14 days seems extraordinarily frequent to me. Once a month or less is my experience. Unless you live v close. No wonder they have nothing to say to you!

joystir59 · 05/08/2021 19:56

Way not may

GrouchyKiwi · 05/08/2021 19:59

Yeah nah. I'd not be doing that in your shoes. 3 hours of driving for an evening of uncomfortable company? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Take the rest you need now. You won't be getting it when your baby is here.

Your husband can make his own decision.

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 20:01

They don't come here, we have neighbours and MIL can't relax around people she doesn't know.

But ... the neighbours won't be in your house, will they?
This is so ridiculous I'm wondering if it's an excuse they've cooked up between them to make sure you do all the travelling. FiL sounds selfish enough to do something like that.
You need to stop pandering to their manipulation. The washing machine anecdote is ... batshit, & so, so rude of her.

MiL needs help with her anxiety. I hope she will listen if you/DH advise her to get to the GP for a counselling referral & meds review.

It's a dreadful shame she's married to an arse, but SHE needs to do something about that, not get you to be her substitute for a decent home life. She needs to get out more, & leave her husband to his grouchiness - hobbies & friends would help with a lot of what ails her.

CraftyYankee · 05/08/2021 20:02

You are being way too patient. Are his parents not going to come to your house to visit when the baby is born because she can't relax near neighbors? Wtf? Or does the baby come with a magic shield that will protect her?

Either she can visit and is choosing not to, or else you're going to be expected to drive with a newborn, bleeding, trying to nurse, who knows what, immediately postpartum so they can see the baby.

You have bigger issues than just this weekend. Have you and DH discussed how he sees it going after baby is born and you are home?

I'd bet he has no idea what the various scenarios are for your physical condition after birth, even in the best set of circumstances. I bet he's expecting the three of you to get in the car and drive 90 minutes to see PIL the day after you come home from the hospital.

me4real · 05/08/2021 20:03

They do sound a bit hardcore.

I have bipolar BTW and there's no way they would've advised me to come off all my meds- they asked me to come off a little bit of something that I took to help me get to sleep, but not off my main ones. It would've been too risky for me to do that, but I suppose it's different for everyone.

It's mainly the first trimester when those meds post significant risk I think. If you said you felt the need I think they might let you go back on them now.

BrilliantBetty · 05/08/2021 20:03

It sounds like you see them too much. More than you want to and it is becoming a big issue. You see them a lot. It is not unreasonable to want to reduce it to give you some space for other things.

You may find you have a better relationship with them over all if meeting up with them is reduced. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

Saoirse82 · 05/08/2021 20:04

I hadn't read the full thread when I posted so after reading your updates I'd try to compromise, you do sound like you try a fair bit with them and they sound a bit of a nightmare!
Re the bump touching, I've always touched bumps (not stangers or anything like that) I never even considered that someone might not like it as my friendship group any family all do it, I'm very mindful and would never do it now. It's probably because I don't mind people touching my bump, I think its quite sweet but I'm aware everyone is different.

candycane222 · 05/08/2021 20:04

Bbq1 you have clear ly not read op's posts. Telling the waiter they have 'nothing to say' after 45 minutes then falling completely silent is not 'decent'. Its exhausting and plain rude. Still,OP did make the mistake of posting in AIBU where the answers are liable to be less reasonable than the question....

RandomMess · 05/08/2021 20:05

Honestly I can't believe you are going. It sound incredibly unwelcoming and exhausting tbh.

SixesAndEights · 05/08/2021 20:06

Gosh OP, YANBU, you only saw them a short time ago.

Be poorly and have an early night.

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 20:12

I think id rather do a 45 minute visit every 5 days than 5\6 hours every 10 days to be honest, it seems to be a long time to spend with other poeople.

Id also not want to be using the loo if someone was leaning it after I use4d it, stay hoe as you need the loo a lot when pregnant

StillWeRise · 05/08/2021 20:18

I agree that it's too long a visit and the frequency is in any case too much, given the distance. I'd be aiming for one a month and a max of 3 hours there.
With regard to this particular visit I think MIL is taking advantage- you had agreed to go and watch the event, now she is extending it considerably. So I'd either flat out say you can't come at 5 (prior commitment or what ever) and say you will pick up a takeaway/order one when you arrive to eat during the event.
Here is my top tip- knitting. Or any portable handicraft. If they want to sit in near silence its much more comfortable and feels less like time wasted if you can occupy yourself. Taking a book to read might look rude, but knitting is inoffensive.

Mamma10642 · 05/08/2021 20:18

Don't go! It's ok to back out. I fully agree you after not responsible for your MIL's emotional state.

I used to try to please my parents to the point it made me very unhappy. When I became pregnant, I decided I didn't want to stress myself out bending over backwards anymore and to look after myself for once.

So look after yourself OP.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 05/08/2021 20:19

I wouldn't want to do this even without the pregnancy. It sounds dire.

Life is too short to do things out of obligation. YANBU, at all. That is a big chunk of your time and energy to give up.

Flyingantday · 05/08/2021 20:19

@Youseethethingis

People are being utter dicks to you, OP. Just because they climbed Everest at 21 weeks with their 3 year old triplets balanced on their head while playing the national anthem on the bagpipes... You are pregnant, exhausted and you don't want to go. That should be the end of it. All the emotional energy being drained out of you over this... It's not on. Nobody who gave a fuck about me would be making these sorts of demands of me when I was pregnant and struggling. Why can't your DH see that?

Agree with this

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2021 20:20

Joining the don’t do it side.

When I was pregnant I had the most godawful SPD and I would not have survived a three hour round trip in the car.

Tell your DH to go and cry off with a headache or aches and pains.
Enjoy calm solitude whilst you can.

I’d ignore the ridiculous comments from posters who apparently remained unaffected by pregnancy, holding down full time jobs and toddled off to go see their in-laws at every spare opportunity. That was their choice.

You choose to rest this weekend. Your IL’s will see their son, your FIL is vile and doesn’t like you after forty five minutes anyway so you’re doing them a favour. Your MIL will have less cleaning to do if you don’t go.

diddl · 05/08/2021 20:22

If he wants to go for food that's fine-he can.

But that would be too much for you so you don't go!

It really is very simple.

Why does he so badly want to go for food?

Because it will be great, because he wants to spend more time with them or because he can't say no?

If it's the latter then that's his problem-don't let him make it yours.

NoProblem123 · 05/08/2021 20:24

Can’t see the problem other than you don’t want to.

Suck it up.

(Well you did ask !)

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 05/08/2021 20:25

@Bbq1

It's a shame because they sound a bit lonely and enjoy your company. You've listed all the things you dislike about them and thru sound perfectly decent p. Why can't you see them more often than 10-14 days?

How often do you see your PILs?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 05/08/2021 20:25

OP, as the child of a parent with bipolar disorder, please please please protect your mental health, do not allow yourself to become overwhelmed (especially while you are, understandably, not on your medication).

My in laws live 90 minutes from us, we see them every month/six weeks. Your FIL sounds insufferable, it's not your responsibility to "rescue" MIL from him.

Ask your DH to tell his mum no bump touching.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 05/08/2021 20:30

Parallel universe on here at times! You married him, not his parents! Marriage isn’t signing up to be a carer for someone’s family or a duty to carve a new social life.
I’ve been happily married 20 years. I do not interact much with my in-laws, I don’t like them much. I’m civil and inoffensive, I never spite and I’d help them in need… but they aren’t my social contacts. He doesn’t have to either, he’s a big boy.

HalzTangz · 05/08/2021 20:36

So MIL makes the effort to travel to spend time with you in town, which much also be tiring for her.
You should go to the meal and event.
My take on this is when baby comes along you won't get to go out much, babies are time consuming and bloody knackering. Make the most of all social events now whilst you can

diddl · 05/08/2021 20:38

I also think it's disgusting that they think they can see you twice as often because your parents are no longer alive.

That would have made me pull right back.

Isthisit22 · 05/08/2021 20:44

Don't go- it sounds torturous! It's not your job to facilitate your DPs relationship with his parents. He can go and you should relax and look after yourself and your baby

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9