To think this is a bit too long & not really want to?

[GirlWithABrokenSmile]

This is a bit trivial, but I could do with a sense check!

My parents are deceased. The in-laws have always taken that to mean that they can have both "slots". They're lovely, but retired in their early 50s and are now in their mid-70s, and they're quite demanding and hard work. Given the opportunity, MIL would be here every other day at least, she finds life (and FIL) quite boring.

We've worked quite hard to try and get them into a pattern where we see them every 10-14 days; and in the meantime, encourage them to keep busy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. They seemed to think this would mean they saw us more... it got stifling and too much. I couldn't balance work, them, home and other responsibilities.

Anyway, we've arranged to go and see them this weekend for an event that FIL wants to watch. Me and DH are moderately interested, we could take it or leave it. MIL is not at all interested but will watch as the men are. It's at 8pm, and will finish around 10:30pm.

MIL has called and asked if we want to meet for food first, at 5ish. DH clearly does. I feel like 5/6 hours is a lot. I don't really feel at home there, and I'll be shattered. MIL will clean the toilet after anyone uses it, which makes you not want to go! (Even if you clean it yourself). After an hour at the most, FIL will disengage and not say much, and it'll get very awkward. DH notices but says it's just how it's always been.

I'm also concerned that my bump has popped this week, and MIL is very keen to have a first grandchild, and is inevitably going to ask to touch it, and for some inexplicable reason, I really can't stand anyone touching it yet.

But, a lot of this may be me. I am quite independent and tend to corner myself off when I feel vulnerable. I'm not used to parents. I don't want to "punish" them for that.

I told DH to go (he clearly wants to), but he's not keen unless I will, and MIL will get upset if we're not both there...

Suck it up, as it's only 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so?

Honestly that’s a lot of travel every 10-14 days!
On this occasion I’d skip the dinner with them but maybe you and dh could eat out on the way there, then meet at the venue.
Do they ever travel to you or do you always have to make the journey?
My parents are local to me but my sibling lives 90 mins away and visits my parents about 4 times a year!! He calls them in between times but my parents don’t expect any more than that! Plus my parents also retired in their 50’s and are now of a similar age to your in laws but are subways very busy!! It’s a shame your in laws can’t find a new hobby - or their new hobby will be your baby!!

I think you're definitely seeing them too often - there can't be much left to talk about if you see them 3 times a month! No wonder it's so painful for you all. It sounds as though your MIL needs to get out and socialise with other people, she is relying on you both to meet her needs for social interaction far too much IMO.

Jesus I can't BELIEVE the replies. It is completely ridiculous to expect you to travel 5-6 hours every fortnight. No way. And it's only going to get worse when you have kids. Send your partner and go once a month max. They sound beyond demanding and I wouldn't blame you one bit. Good practice for your DH to suck it up and learn the art of boundaries... you're going to need it in a few months because you won't want to go then I can guarantee and he will need to keep them away.

You and your DH are NOT responsible for them or their emotional needs. Keep repeating this.

@thinkingaboutitall

seeing someone you don’t particularly gel with, every 2 weeks, for 6 hours each visit is a lot

But op hasnt said this happens every time, or that its always them driving. She said they've trained them to see them fortnightly but doesn't say who goes where or what they do

Send your husband.
You need to start this.
He may take your child on his own when it's older. So grandparents might get to meet them when they're 1 if op doesn't do long term breastfeeding.

Fil sounds like a rude prick. And if mil is willing to let be like that, more fool her. But it isn't your responsibility to fix her life.
You are pg, tired and have a life of your own. Set your boundaries now before the baby is born and they get to thinking they can have whatever time they want, regardless of how you feel!
And of course yanbu for not wanting people to touch you. Your body is yours.

This level of travel won't be sustainable once you have a baby. And it's not nice for kids to be in the car for hours at a time just because their grandparents have self inflicted miserable lives.

I would absofuckinglutely refuse to visit someone who announces after 45 mins they're bored of you now and stops talking.

Wouldn't even make excuses about pregnancy I'd just say they are rude and unpleasant and you wont put yourself in that position. DH can go himself.

Boundaries now. Because this is going to get worse and worse. I assumed you had children but to be that demanding of your time and energy when you're childless is bizarre!

And she really cleans the loo after anyone goes? Good god, I couldn't be doing with that.

And for the 'you'll be old too one day' brigade, this is not how normal old people behave.

OP you need a discussion with DH now on how you're going to manage this in the future. I'd bet my last lipstick that when you have the baby MIL is going to expect you to see them at least once a week.

She is married to a miserable so-and-so and I can understand her wanting other people there to lighten the load. But she can't appropriate you and DH to be her only social life. She needs to find other outlets too.

Fucking hell, did the MILs sense blood with this thread and come out in force?

OP, you’re not BU at all. Some pregnancies are draining – but well done to you for staying up til 10pm. This though is a LOT: 5.5/6 hours once every 10 days or so? I would change my name and move countries and wear a Mr Potato Head disguise forever if I had to see anyone, let alone my silent and bathroom-cleany, bump-touchy in-laws, that often. Barely enough time to recover from one tortuous silence before you have to start psyching yourself up for the next one.

My in-laws do the silence thing too. Every meal, every visit, the absolute most I’ve ever heard them say is, “Well then.” Then you sit there silently for four hours, before someone says, “Well. Best be getting on.” And that’s it! It’s excruciating.

Send DH. Plead pukiness or piles or whatever. And if anyone, even your MIL, touches your bump or asks to, you’re allowed to touch their stomach back, rubbing it, while staring deep into their eyes, until they understand that it’s bloody bonkers.

I'm sorry your mum and dad are not around, but please embrace your in laws! One day that bored MIL will be taking your baby our for a walk and giving you some 'me time'.

I'm guessing You and DP must be in the older bracket for parents [as inlaws are 75ish] and you are going to be more tired than a young mum and dad, so don't be mean and gnarly with them, they must be so excited!!

Let DP go on his own though and rest up. You could facetime when he is there maybe?

Don't go. Dh's parents, his decision if he wants to see them alone, whike he still can. When DC arrives you may or may notbe willing to spare him,but you probably won't want to be making that round trip with a baby 3 times a month.

The people who are saying its not too much to ask are not reading your posts properly op. Cleaning yhe loo after youve been. Being nasty about each other (the cooking remark) or about your company ( the nothing else to say remark).

These people are RUDE. No wonder you find the visits exhausting. As pps have said, their problems and unhappiness are not your problems, and you can't solve them for them, anyway.

I really get it OP. I am sociable and nice, but my parents in law are hard company for us. They have limited interests and have never been sociable people. They see our company as a right rather than people they should make an effort with and FiL will often make comments or statements that would be unacceptable in any other company - such as finding it a chore or comments on our lifestyle.

I go though and I zone out, accept how it will be, stopped worrying what they think of me and set some boundaries of what was acceptable. Sometimes now we have kids, I send my partner alone and use it as an opportunity to have a break. It is normal for her as they haven't changed.

If I were you, I would say it was the meal or the event but not both - and make two declarative statements at the start. I will be peeing a lot and if you touch my stomach I will have to resist punching you with my entire being. You can phrase that differently obviously...

Fuck off would I travel 1.5 hours each way to sit with someone for 5 hours who claims he’s bored of me after 45 minutes! Not a chance! I would continue seeing MIL every couple of weeks for shopping or at your house and keep visits with FIL to an absolute minimum “because that’s all it sounds like he can handle”

Oh for goodness sake, YABVU.

why haven't they moved closer so they can have more frequent but much briefer visits, I wonder. Then they could actually help with childcare later, too.

They sound utterly painful.

There is no way I would dream of doing a 3 hour round trip every 10-14 days to spend what sounds like excruciatingly difficult time with them.

Send your husband.

There is no way you will be doing that with a baby.
They will need to visit themselves.

Start putting in boundaries or you are in for a very stressful time.

I’m sure it’s not just the physical strain but the mental strain too. Sometimes you just don’t feel like it. Tell your husband to go and visit his mum and let you have a nice evening alone. You will miss being able to do that when the baby is here. His dad sounds charming!

Its a divided thread isn't it ... must be MiLs or potential MiLs (mums to sons) on one side and people who have some self respect and empathy on the other! As someone who had the most awful first pregnancy no way could I have walked down the road to get a glass of water at 21 weeks let alone a 6 hour misery-fest. Your in-laws sound awful. Stay at home FFS.

@Hardbackwriter why does it matter if her bump has only just appeared? 21 weeks is a normal time for a bump to appear, and for some women that first 20 weeks is a lot harder than the second 20 weeks.

OP, give yourself the evening off. Sounds like you are a lovely daughter in law and you clearly already dedicate a lot of time to your in laws.

Two separate issues I can see here.

One, a specific event in which you have no interest in the company of people who you don't particularly care to see. Your dh is their son. Let him make a call as to whether he wants to go or not. Make your excuses. You're not a package deal.

Two, the on-going expectation that you fill a void in your ILs lives because they don't have friends/interests/a thriving relationship with each other. It is not the responsibility of children (or their spouses) to compensate and fill the gaps in their parents or PIL's lives.

As for the idea that you should foster a relationship or ignore your feelings in the hope of getting free baby-sitting ... Start putting a few quid away and buy the time of someone who doesn't drain you of the will to live.

There's a world of difference between taking some account of other people and their needs/wants and putting yourself second to them over and over and over again.

@DishingOutDone

Its a divided thread isn't it ... must be MiLs or potential MiLs (mums to sons) on one side and people who have some self respect and empathy on the other! As someone who had the most awful first pregnancy no way could I have walked down the road to get a glass of water at 21 weeks let alone a 6 hour misery-fest. Your in-laws sound awful. Stay at home FFS.

I agree with you. But why would women who have sons in particular be any more likely than women who only have a daughter/daughters to disagree with us?? I have adult DS and an adult DD and if myself and my husband were as socially inept as the OPs in-laws, our darling daughter would be the FIRST to head for the hills 😂. Also, I’ve said it before on here and out of my DDIL and my DSIL, it’s my DSIL who is by far the ‘trickier’ character. We get on so we’ll with him now, but we’ve definitely had to work on it. Our gorgeous DDIL slotted into our family much more naturally and quickly if Im honest.

On the bump touching thing, it's not an explicable reason at all, people wanting to touch people's stomachs is weird. You don't ever have to let her touch you/it, you can just tell her you're not comfortable with it. I said that but a lot less politely to my mil, didn't go down well but is probably one of my favourite memories 😂

Thanks all. I don't think I'm a horrible person... maybe horrible people don't know that they are.

Anyway, I've taken the majority opinion, as I said I would - I sometimes lose perspective with this stuff, I find them full on and difficult and I'm off my bipolar medication because of the pregnancy, which is making it more challenging to see when it's reasonable to be struggling and when it's not.

I've talked to MIL, and we'll go.

Oh wow. That’s brutal. No wonder MIL wants to see you all the time, she’s probably bored stiff living with him.

Yeah I expect that's the problem. He's very selfish. MIL has wanted to move closer to things to do for a long time... he's very happy not seeing anyone or doing anything, and he refuses to look at different houses. He's quite happy watching sport and entertaining himself.

Thankfully now that things are open again, she's enjoying being able to go to coffee shops and the gym and shopping, but I think she's a bit lost that she used to go with one of DH's cousins, who has now got a full-time job. I do meet her for coffees and things when I can, and she does have a few friend groups who meet for lunch twice or three times a week, but I know she's lonely and I do try to be a good DIL.