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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 05/08/2021 14:26

It is between your DS, his gf and the child. None of your business at all, he is an adult.

TheChild · 05/08/2021 14:27

You may not want it, but it's nothing to do with you. For what it's worth, your son sounds lovely.

RubyFowler · 05/08/2021 14:27

I really don't see what you can do about it. But I suppose YANBU.

pointythings · 05/08/2021 14:28

This is none of your business. It's between the three of them only. You have clearly done an outstanding job of raising a caring and dependable young man. Now trust him to live his life.

Fernando072020 · 05/08/2021 14:28

Your son is an adult so really it's his business.

But I can see the worry if they break up and your son no longer is allowed to see the little girl he's raised as his daughter

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 14:28

Your son sounds lovely, I'd be very proud of him if I were his mum.

lalahotpants · 05/08/2021 14:28

Absolutely none of your business

YesDisney · 05/08/2021 14:29

YANBU to not want it, but there’s literally nothing you can do about it. 🤷‍♀️

PercyPiginaWig · 05/08/2021 14:29

I dislike it for a different reason to you.
It's a very young age for your DS to take on this role, agreed, and if him and his girlfriend split up what about the child who no longer has her daddy. Would he stay involved?

budgun · 05/08/2021 14:29

He has taken on the role regardless of what the child calls him.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 05/08/2021 14:29

YABU.

You’ve raised an excellent responsible young man. Well done.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 14:29

I can understand your concern, it's a big responsibility. I would worry about what would happen should they split up, he has no rights to see the child.

thelegohooverer · 05/08/2021 14:30

I can understand how you feel. But you must be proud of him too? You’ve obviously raised a lovely young man.

firstimemamma · 05/08/2021 14:30

My BIL did something similar when he was 22 - just four years older than your son. That was not far off 10 years ago now. They got married and had children of their own. Very happy. Your ds is an adult and he can decide what he wants from life.

ChainJane · 05/08/2021 14:31

YANBU. At least he can walk away when the relationship eventually breaks down, it's not like she will be able to make him pay maintenance. It's important for him to understand he's not the father and that he will have no right to see the child once they part ways.

cricketmum84 · 05/08/2021 14:31

YADBU. It sounds like you have raised a kind, caring and responsible young man.

Also it's none of your business.

My MIL felt a lot like you when I got together with DH and he took on my young child. She was rather vocal about it which really damaged the relationship I could have had with her. We've been together 14 years now with our 17 year old and a 12 year old.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 05/08/2021 14:32

What a great man he has turned into. He's stepped up and is doing the job of another male who just couldn't be bothered.

Be proud of him. Be there for him if it doesn't work out.

Maybe invite them all round for dinner? Get to know them better.

It must be so hard being a young mum. The stigma is awful.

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 14:32

I think the child calling him daddy is an issue for other reasons, but ultimately its up to them. There's nothing you can do about it really, I get you're upset as the vision you had laid out for your son isn't this, but he must really like his girlfriend to shoulder the extra responsibility at a young age? If he's happy isn't that what matters?

HirplesWithHaggis · 05/08/2021 14:33

My DS actually became a dad at that age, I admit I was less than thrilled but twelve years down the line he's doing a brilliant job, though he's no longer in a relationship with the mum. Your ds is young to be a stepdad, but if they're all happy you need to let them get on with it.

Of course there is the risk of massive emotional fallout for all three (and especially the wee one) should DS and his GF split, would he be prepared to still be "dad" if that happened? How much are you expected to be "granny", is that a role you might take on? A wee chat with DS and maybe the GF wouldn't be a bad idea.

astoundedgoat · 05/08/2021 14:34

Do they live together?

Statistically, it is vanishingly unlikely they will stay together. It’s really unfair on the baby to let her think that your DS is her Dad, and in a way, probably confusing for him too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 14:34

You’re right, it’s incredibly irresponsible for either of them to let the child him dad. He’s not the dad. There are innumerable other names he could be called instead, including his actual name.

People are having a go because it’s you posting and neither your son or his gf. Every single other thread I’ve ever seen on this topic is adamant partners shouldn’t be called mum or dad when they’re not, especially when they haven’t been together that long.

You obviously can’t stop them but they’re putting their wishes for playing happy families above what’s best for the child and it’s hugely stupid and wrong.

Countless women have posted over the years desperately wishing they hadn’t let their DC call a short term bf dad as it makes it far harder when they do often split up.

Are they pretending he is the dad? That’s even worse. Idiots.

Sirzy · 05/08/2021 14:34

I think you should be proud of your son and how he has stepped up for his Girlfriend and her child, it’s understandable the child will see him as Dad.

Ghosttile · 05/08/2021 14:34

It’s his choice as he’s an adult. However, I don’t think there’s any harm in having a conversation with your DS about it.

Don’t be negative, because he won’t listen, but remind him how important it is for the child’s long term emotional well being to know who her biological father is and to not have ‘Dads’ coming in and out of her life. It’s a small word but a lifetime commitment if it’s done the way it should be.

Unless he’s going to commit to being present for that little girl for the next 20+ years and her mother agrees - if they split up there nothing stopping the mother cutting all contact - it’s not fair on the child to see him as ‘dad’.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 14:36

I understand your concern. He sounds like a wonderful young man, but one who is young and needs to think carefully about the situation.

Playing dad is a huge risk for him and the child. If the relationship ends the little girl risks losing her 'dad', he risks losing contact with his 'daughter' and it could be a mess. From the perspective of the child it could be quite damaging because a dad and step dad are different.

He can be an amazing father figure and step-dad to this little girl without needing to pretend to be her dad

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 05/08/2021 14:36

It's really none of your business.