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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
x2boys · 05/08/2021 14:51

I agree with you because if they split up and lets face it at their young ages they are more likely to than not, than its very confusing for the child, also what happens if the Biological father wants to be involved at some point?

Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 14:51

I'm going against the grain I'd be gutted if it was my DS as that age is entering early adulthood and should be going out with friends and enjoying life without ties I got pregnant at 21 and was too young I was still in the process of finding myself. I also disagree with lying to a child about their parentage. Me and dh got together when we were both 23 almost 24 and I had ds he never got called daddy even when we got married.

Abraxan · 05/08/2021 14:52

It is young and yes, if it was my son I'd be anxious about it.

Heir rev, he is an adult and needs to make decisions like this for himself.

Lots of step children refer to their stepdad as dad/daddy especially when young and the biological father isn't present.

I don't think it should be a secret from the child. Child should definitely know they have a different absent biological father but that doesn't mean that the OP's ds can't ever be referred to as dad, if it works for their family set up.

I think the fact that child has a biological father shouldn't be a big reveal when older either - just a low key ongoing fact they are aware of from the start.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/08/2021 14:53

I don't understand the black and white responses on this thread.
This is a very young man in a complicated family set up.
Its nuts to say 'its none of your business'. Of course it is. That doesn't mean the OP gets to say what goes on but how can it not be her business?
He sounds a great kid but other are right when they say its not a good idea to play at families too early in the relationship. Its not fair on the kids or anyone else.
The chances are that if they split up soon, no matter how much the child and the son love each other, the relationship is unlikely to last after he stops seeing their mother. He has no parental rights and no right to contact.

Much better to take things slowly.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/08/2021 14:53

I was adopted at birth, I can never remember not knowing that I was adopted, my parents told me when I was very young and just added to the narrative as I got older. Obviously I called them mum and dad, as legally that is what they are. In this instance the little girl should not be calling OP's son dad as he is not her dad.

When she is older, and they are still together, it might be appropriate if she wants to, but will then be old enough to understand that he is not her biological dad

ThorsLeftNut · 05/08/2021 14:54

I want Dwayne Johnson to ravish me but it’s not gonna happen.
YANBU to not want it to happen but it’s not really a thing to do with you!

Muma1992 · 05/08/2021 14:54

@AnneLovesGilbert

Blood doesn't matter

Of course it does.

“What a stand out young man.”

Why, because she’s a single mum and should be grateful someone wants to date her?

He’s getting something out of this too I imagine. He’s not doing either her or her child a favour Hmm

For stepping up to look after a child where another man has failed. I didn't say anything at all about the mother Confused
x2boys · 05/08/2021 14:55

@Muma1992

He has been acting as her dad since she was born, so he is "daddy".. Whether they use that name or not. Blood doesn't matter, he is raising her. What a stand out young man.
Well blood does matter wether you like it or not Given the young couple are so young its highly likely they will split up, i dont doubt there are many step fathers who do an excellent job, but children need to know the truth of their parentage.
QueeniesCroft · 05/08/2021 14:59

I've seen this sort of thing before, and it can end very, very badly.

Will the child be told early enough to make a difference that she has a birth father and a "Daddy"? It can really mess with a child's head to find out much later that they have in effect been lied to all their lives.

cookiecreampie · 05/08/2021 14:59

I understand your point, he's only 18 and probably won't be with her forever and things could get messy if there's a child involved who he is attached to. But it's his decision and you have to let him get on with it. He sounds like he's responsible and a good person. Maybe talk to him about your worries, but you have to just respect his wishes and let him get on with it, even if you don't like it.

nimbuscloud · 05/08/2021 15:00

Are they both working?

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2021 15:01

What a stand out young man

And what will you be saying about him when the relationship fails, because in all likelihood it will as they are teenagers?

YesDisney · 05/08/2021 15:01

Why are you all assuming she won’t know the truth and think he’s her biological father? Confused

You know you can call someone dad and still know they’re not your biological dad, right?

mam0918 · 05/08/2021 15:02

So hes been there in the main male role since before this child was even born and is in a relationship with the mother?

Yeah that makes him dad - you saying hes 'not the father' is useless as it nothing to do with 'biology' he is the father to this child and has been the childs whole life, its actions that make a father not blood.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 15:02

Yanbu Sad I can understand why you’re so sad about it. I would be too.

Unfortunately he’s an adult and you can’t stop him. You just have to hope he won’t look back and regret it.

If he asks for your opinion though then give the honest one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 15:03

I don’t see where OP said she was trying to stop him so the “nothing to do with you” comments are irrelevant. She’s airing her concerns, on here, where her son can’t see them, and asking what other people think.

This is the first thread in a while where the majority are hell bent on a 19 year old being an adult. Aren’t they usually seen as large children with unfinished brains who need to be fed, clothed, housed, prodded and cosseted? Yet when one wants to pretend to be the father of a baby whose mother he hasn’t been dating very long all of a sudden he’s mature and responsible and must be making a sensible decision.

The people who think he’s doing the right thing - would you say the same about a 19 year old girl becoming a full time step mum? Would you think she should be pretending to be the child’s mother? Would her boy friend be right to encourage it? To pretend the woman who gave birth to the baby didn’t exist? Would you say she was responsible, stepping up, doing the right thing?

x2boys · 05/08/2021 15:04

@YesDisney

Why are you all assuming she won’t know the truth and think he’s her biological father? Confused

You know you can call someone dad and still know they’re not your biological dad, right?

Because shes two, two year olds dont tend to be deep thinkers 🙄
Whinge · 05/08/2021 15:04

@YesDisney

Why are you all assuming she won’t know the truth and think he’s her biological father? Confused

You know you can call someone dad and still know they’re not your biological dad, right?

OP says the child's biological father didn't want anything to do with the mother or child, and that her DS appeared on the scene even before the child's birth. So it's not too crazy a leap to think they've not mentioned her biological father.
bishbashbosh2020 · 05/08/2021 15:05

Your son sounds wonderful, you should be very proud of him. All things considered, it seems normal that the child would consider him her father. YABU, your son is an adult and this is between him and his partner.

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/08/2021 15:05

I really do get that you don’t want this for your son, but you really should be proud of him.

Twoforthree · 05/08/2021 15:06

You can’t live his life for him, but I would feel sad about it too.

x2boys · 05/08/2021 15:06

@mam0918

So hes been there in the main male role since before this child was even born and is in a relationship with the mother?

Yeah that makes him dad - you saying hes 'not the father' is useless as it nothing to do with 'biology' he is the father to this child and has been the childs whole life, its actions that make a father not blood.

Only it doesnt does it because if they split up, then he will have no rights to access.
ChloeCrocodile · 05/08/2021 15:07

I wouldn’t be impressed. There’s no need to use the name “dad” unless the child chooses to when she is old enough to decide for herself. Starting it off now is a recipe for disaster imo.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it though, OP.

mam0918 · 05/08/2021 15:09

Also the fact that he is 18 means sweet fuck all, I was 18 when I got with my DH and we have been together 14 years and thats without the baggage these kids already carried.

He has stood by this girl for THREE years already, while she carried another mans child, through the changes a child brings to friendship, love, relationships and life... there are fully grown men that arent that mature but just because of age your going to assume they cant be mature enough to handle the piffly ass problems that break up most teen relationships.

Hmm
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2021 15:09

Yeah that makes him dad - you saying hes 'not the father' is useless as it nothing to do with 'biology' he is the father to this child and has been the childs whole life, its actions that make a father not blood.

Absolute load of crap. Say it as often as you like but it doesn’t make it true. The words mother and father have actual meanings, you can’t just make them mean what you want.

He hasn’t adopted her, has no parental responsibility, has no rights to ever see her again if the split up.

He’s the boyfriend of a woman who had a baby with another man. He can play dad but he won’t be a father unless he adopts her.

If his gf dumps him and meets someone else you can bet that blood suddenly matters. If she doesn’t want him to have further contact with her child she won’t have to.