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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
Antwerpen · 05/08/2021 16:23

@TheChild

You may not want it, but it's nothing to do with you. For what it's worth, your son sounds lovely.
This
MrsPsmalls · 05/08/2021 16:25

Well I'm more of a realist than lots of posters here. It is vanishingly unlikely stylistically that your ds will be with this girl in even five years time. Also I don't think your ds is a fine young man because he is barely a man at all. He is probably a good lad but that's not enough to take on fatherhood. Honestly a fine young man (if such a thing even exists in people still at school) would have possibly helped her as a friend but avoided a relationship with her knowing that it isn't fair to piss around with a young baby in the mix. Eighteen year old lads are in almost all circumstances not ready for fatherhood. Your son presumably will only have to look at his classmates to see that. Why would he think he is any different? Not sure what you can do about it, but I would absolutely share your concern

EL8888 · 05/08/2021 16:29

None of your business

Confusedandshaken · 05/08/2021 16:29

My 'dad's' mum felt like this when he took up with my single mum in the 1960s. She wasn't happy at all about her son getting mixed up with a fallen woman and made her views very plain until her death. It didn't do her any good. Her son went on to adopt me and became not just my stepdad but my legal father.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 16:30

@Confusedandshaken

My 'dad's' mum felt like this when he took up with my single mum in the 1960s. She wasn't happy at all about her son getting mixed up with a fallen woman and made her views very plain until her death. It didn't do her any good. Her son went on to adopt me and became not just my stepdad but my legal father.
Was your dad just 18 and living at home when he started a relationship with your mum?
Confusedandshaken · 05/08/2021 16:34

@Whinge- he was actually 20 when he met my mum but still.living at home. I'm not saying it's identical (Mum had 2 D.C., not just one, she was slightly older than him and there was also a difference of religion which mattered in the area they lived in) but it was similar and it worked out pretty well.

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2021 16:36

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I love how on MN an 18yo becoming the default father to a toddler that isn’t his is the height of maturity. The 18yo is an adult and such a great role model.

It makes me wonder if the OP was posting about her 18yo daughter taking on the role of mummy to her boyfriend's child, would she get the same response and called mature and upstanding? I doubt it. The unanimous verdict would be 'tell her to run'.

I am a staunch feminist, have been since the age of about 4 when I noticed how differently my brother were treated and objected to it, and I'm usually in the Rad-Femish 'men are probably the problem here' camp. But the way MN speaks about teenage boys is absolutely abhorrent.

Thank you, I am often horrified at how teenage boys are portrayed on here, often by parents of small boys.
Sssloou · 05/08/2021 16:38

I would have a conversation with your DS about what he wants in life so that he doesn’t sleep walk into anything.

His GF might want siblings soon for her DD - is that what he wants?

I also agree that pursuing the biological father for maintenance is the right approach.

How does your DS spend his social time? Does he have a wide range of friends / hobbies etc as well as his GF - or is most of his social time spent with her as a family unit?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/08/2021 16:38

Your son is 19, he isn't fully grown up yet and it's unlikely that he'll still be with his girlfriend by the time he's 25/26.

I think it is a bit of a shame when people become parents very young because as lovely as children are, they rightly hamper you from doing things that you'd planned.

I understand your concerns, OP. I would feel the same - and I would worry for the child forming attachments to somebody who is not their actual dad. I won't join in the posters 'congratulating' you on raising a wonderful son; you sound very worried indeed and so would I be. He isn't 'lovely' for taking a father role, it's not his place or his role - and it's going to be rough on the three of them (son, girlfriend, child).

Posts doing just that are irksome. Being a dad at 19 isn't something that most parents want for their children - and he is not this child's dad.

You can be supportive and kind without being enthusiastic. It is a difficult situation. Poor little kid.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 16:38

It's actually quite sad how many posters are all on board with a couple of teenagers prioritising their sex life and playing happy families over the long term stability of a toddler.

Then again there's dozens of threads where posters have prioritised blending families with their 'partner' of a couple of months, their new fella being the best daddy, having babies with new partner last and being annoyed if existing children aren't over the moon about it.

x2boys · 05/08/2021 16:40

@Confusedandshaken

My 'dad's' mum felt like this when he took up with my single mum in the 1960s. She wasn't happy at all about her son getting mixed up with a fallen woman and made her views very plain until her death. It didn't do her any good. Her son went on to adopt me and became not just my stepdad but my legal father.
How old was your dad? Did he meet your mum when he was 16? I dont doubt there are many men that are great step fathers /adoptive fathers but this 18 year old is neither
theshadeofgreen · 05/08/2021 16:45

Op the main takeaway here is what a lovely man your son has grown into Smile

Walruse · 05/08/2021 16:46

He's an adult and therefore it's his choice, his decision is none of your business.

bluebeck · 05/08/2021 16:47

I agree with PP - this is none of your business.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/08/2021 16:49

Don't be ridiculous. It is the OP's business, he is her son and he's not a fully grown man yet. He's taking on a role that he has no responsibility for and it will curtail his plans.

I imagine that OP will be expected to fall into 'grandma' mode and be pressurised to do so because of her son so yes, it is very much her business. I wouldn't be happy about this at all and most mothers I know of also wouldn't be celebrating this situation, it's dire and has the potential to get worse very quickly.

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2021 16:51

@theshadeofgreen

Op the main takeaway here is what a lovely man your son has grown into Smile
He is 18 a teenager barely a man. If op was suggesting her son pay rent at home everyone would be shouting how he is a child.
pommepommefrites · 05/08/2021 16:53

Not sure you can stop this trainwreck. But for what's it's worth I don't think yabu, I wouldn't want it for my kids.

SunshineCake · 05/08/2021 16:56

@astoundedgoat

Do they live together?

Statistically, it is vanishingly unlikely they will stay together. It’s really unfair on the baby to let her think that your DS is her Dad, and in a way, probably confusing for him too.

How is it confusing for the adult male?
KurtWilde · 05/08/2021 16:58

None of your business. Why not congratulate yourself on raising a good man rather than being negative about it?

Dentistlakes · 05/08/2021 16:59

YANBU, I wouldn’t be pleased about ti either. Having a child so young is a a big responsibility and very tying. It really affects how you can live your life and narrows your opportunities. Whilst nice he’s stepped up, I don’t agree with the child referring to him as their father. It’s simply not true.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 17:00

How is it confusing for the adult male?

Because he probably doesn't realise he has no rights should they split. He probably thinks he'll still play a role in the child's life if the relationship ends, as he's been there since before the child's birth.

drpet49 · 05/08/2021 17:02

YANBU- I’d be disappointed too OP

mynameisbrian · 05/08/2021 17:04

For me it isnt anything to do with OP DS. I feel sorry for the DC, as someone who was a single parent for a while I would never have allowed my DC to start calling a boyfriend 'dad'. At 19 I would be very surprised they stayed together. It isnt fair on the DC and his mother shouldnt be encouraging it.

pictish · 05/08/2021 17:07

Yanbu but as someone else said, there’s nothing you can do about it.
I have a 19 yr old son and I honestly I wouldn’t choose it for him either, someone else’s child at such a young age. I’d rather he remain free of ties and have all the options available with no obligations rather than become ‘dad’.
You can’t tell him what to do though.

jerometheturnipking · 05/08/2021 17:08

He is 18 a teenager barely a man. If op was suggesting her son pay rent at home everyone would be shouting how he is a child.

100%

At 18 he does not need the responsibility of another man's child.