To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

[fomentin]

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

Well, what you want is immaterial. He sounds like a lovely, responsible young man. Support him, don't drive him away!

He can be an amazing father figure and step-dad to this little girl without needing to pretend to be her dad

I think this sums it up really well.

Yes, agree

’He can be an amazing father figure and step-dad to this little girl without needing to pretend to be her dad’

Speak to him about it OP

He's too young to promise he will be a father to this child and she's to young to loose a second father. Ask him what happens if they split a year or two down the line? If he and girlfriend marry one day, then he can be dad but that little girl should still know he's not her biological father.

OP can be proud of her son if she wants to without going along with a lie.

And she doesn’t have to be proud anyway. It’s not a part many people would want for a child of this age.

“Stepping up” is all very well but his gf didn’t need a man, she’d have been fine bringing her child up by herself. He’s dating someone who happens to have a child, presumably because he likes her and it’s worth it. His relationship with the child is entirely dependent on his relationship with his gf.

There’s some weird romanticising of OP’s son as a white knight rescuing a distressed young single mum. An unusual variation on the usual narrative on here.

It is neither lovely nor responsible. They've been together for 1 year, he is very young. It is likely they are not going to end up being married and happily ever. Statistically relationships started at that age don't last a lifetime. What is likely to happen is they break up, he won't continue being a daddy to the little girl and poor little thing will have yet another person abandoning her.

@Sirzy

I think you should be proud of your son and how he has stepped up for his Girlfriend and her child, it’s understandable the child will see him as Dad.

Only if they lie and tell her he’s her dad! Might be more convenient for them but doing her a big disservice.

He has been acting as her dad since she was born, so he is "daddy".. Whether they use that name or not.
Blood doesn't matter, he is raising her. What a stand out young man.

@fomentin

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

Do you not have much to do with the child as a grandparent? I do think you should support him regardless of how you personally feel.

I do think while it's up to them, it is risky for the child.

A family member of mine became dad to his child's older sister. They later split up but because the child had never known a time without him, she didn't know he wasn't her biological father. They eventually had to tell her and it was really upsetting and confusing for her.

Your DS has been there for her since before she was born,while she was being born and for 2 years since.In every way that matters he is her Dad.He sounds really great.

Absolutely none of your business and be cared that your attitude doesn't impact on your relationship with your ds now and in the future.

I'm considerably older than my dh and had 2 young dc when we met. His parents hated this and made it quite clear they weren't happy.
12 years on we are still together and happy and dh is very much the 'Dad' that my ex has never been.
Dcs parents have never had grandchildren of their own (he has 2 other siblings) and while I would never expect them to be 'grandparents' to our dc, it's apparent now that dhs mum regrets how she was when we were first together.
It has definitely damaged dhs relationship with both parents and he hates the way they have treated me over the years.

Oh totally get where you're coming from. He shouldn't be letting a child call him dad at that age. Percentage wise it's hugely likely they'll split up but I suppose there's a chance it might work out. So difficult but a gentle word with the pros and cons is the only way forward. I know he's technically an adult, but only just. Good luck!

Sorry,pressed post! I think when the little girl is old enough she should be told about her biological Father.

Is your concern for him or the child?

@loveliesbleeding1

Your DS has been there for her since before she was born,while she was being born and for 2 years since.In every way that matters he is her Dad.He sounds really great.

Not true. The thing that matters to children and people of all ages is the truth about their parentage. Lying like they seem to intend to do is very selfish and wrong.

“I’m so glad my parent’s partner pretended to be my mum/dad when I was a baby and I grew up believing it. I felt fine when I found out it wasn’t true and it seemed my whole life was a lie because it was worth it at the time” said no one, ever.

And how soon after you got together with your dh did they start calling him "dad" @brittleheadgirl? Before he adopted them, or after?

@loveliesbleeding1

Sorry,pressed post! I think when the little girl is old enough she should be told about her biological Father.

I don't think something like this should ever be a big reveal. Yes the DS is a step father figure, but the fact he isn't her biological dad should be something that she's aware of as she grow up.

@loveliesbleeding1

Sorry,pressed post! I think when the little girl is old enough she should be told about her biological Father.

How old is old enough?

@AnneLovesGilbert

OP can be proud of her son if she wants to without going along with a lie.

And she doesn’t have to be proud anyway. It’s not a part many people would want for a child of this age.

“Stepping up” is all very well but his gf didn’t need a man, she’d have been fine bringing her child up by herself. He’s dating someone who happens to have a child, presumably because he likes her and it’s worth it. His relationship with the child is entirely dependent on his relationship with his gf.

There’s some weird romanticising of OP’s son as a white knight rescuing a distressed young single mum. An unusual variation on the usual narrative on here.

This. He is still very young anything can happen, if it does its best the child knows he isn't her dad.

It's a very new relationship, I'd say the same to anyone regardless of age.

I wouldn’t be happy about any part of that relationship. Not his role in the child’s life. Not his decision to date a young woman who chose to become a parent so young.

The catch is that there is nothing to be done except try to encourage him to think about his future. Regardless of who he is dating, try to encourage him to focus on his education and his career. Perhaps sit down with him to do some budget planning for his future. It may help illustrate the importance of making sure no more children enter this scenario.

Blood doesn't matter

Of course it does.

“What a stand out young man.”

Why, because she’s a single mum and should be grateful someone wants to date her?

He’s getting something out of this too I imagine. He’s not doing either her or her child a favour

Hi op, I wouldn’t like it for my children, and having been in a similar situation of becoming a step parent at a very young age I really wouldn’t want it for them.

However it’s their choice as it was mine, and if anyone had ever commented I was have pushed them away.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

YABU.

You’ve raised an excellent responsible young man. Well done.

But it’s not his responsibility. I’d be proud but also concerned. And fervently hope he doesn’t get her pregnant.

I would definitely speak to him about encouraging the child not to call him dad. It might not be doing any harm now but it’s going to be a very difficult conversation to have when the child is older and the man he thought was dad isn’t his dad.