To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

[fomentin]

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

Only it doesnt does it because if they split up, then he will have no rights to access.

Exactly. Pretending he's the child's father doesn't benefit anyone. If the relationship ends, which is likely due to their ages. Then the poor child will have the double whammy of losing a step father figure, and learning that her biological father didn't want her.

Do they live together. If not, it's very wrong. If they do and are very committed and he is acting as a dad, it's more difficult because he himself is probably getting attached to her.

On one hand, it makes things much more difficult if they were to break-up. It would be lovely if they don't and build a family together.

I wouldn't like this either. Aside from the fact he's way too young to be getting involved in another man's child, the whole pretending to be daddy thing just doesn't sit well with me. Will you be expected to call this child your granddaughter?

but just because of age your going to assume they cant be mature enough to handle the piffly ass problems that break up most teen relationships.

OPs DS would have no rights to access, and could easily be cut out of the little girls life. That's not a piffy ass problem that results from most teenage break ups.

It doesn't really matter what your views are. now that this situation is ongoing. You are not likely to alter anything.. If you can see that all things are going well with your Son, and girlfriend and child, and there are no major problems at all, you can only hope for the best for them.

Some of the responses here are just so Peak Mumsnet.

Look, he's 18. He's technically an adult, his right to do what he wants, blah blah. But yes, I'd be pretty horrified. It's not a lovely and upstanding thing to do, it's bloody stupid.

He needs to be focusing his time, energy and resources on getting himself set up. Is he providing financial support (either formally or informally?) in this setup? Unless he has inherited a lot of money from somewhere, it's pretty hard to imagine an 18yo having the resources to do this without shortchanging himself. If he's working, he won't have much money. If he's in full time education, where is the money coming from right now (Mum and Dad, I'm guessing).

Even in cultures where people marry younger than we consider usual, it's pretty out-there to be the "father" of a 2yo at age 18. This is way too young to be playing the father role to a toddler.

The odds of this relationship surviving long-term have to be close to zero. I don't think he should be playing daddy to this child and encouraging a parent-child type relationship when he is very unlikely to be in the child's life long-term; nor should he be deluding this young woman into folding believing that she's got a new partner and "father" to her child.

And a very young single mother of a two year old should be focusing on her child and on setting herself up to provide for a child, not on dating and forming new relationships right now. Stepfathers and mums-boyfriends are risk factors for children--the obvious risk being abuse, but also the more subtle risk of emotional involvements between the child and the guy, which can leave the child devastated when the relationship breaks up. I'm sure the OP's son isn't an abuser, but the risk of emotional entanglement is absolutely there. This is not good for children.

Is the biological father of this child at least paying financial support? I bloody well hope so. We have DNA tests for a reason.

I hope to hell that this couple are doubling up on birth control (hormonal BC AND condoms), because otherwise there could be another pregnancy in the near future and the OP's son will be well and truly stuck.

That's so tough - I completely understand where you're coming from and in my heart, I'd also be sad and concerned over what happens in the long term. However, I just don't think there's much you can do - if you raise concerns, he may just dismiss them. Did the little girl start calling him daddy on her own accord or was it instigated by your son/his gf? I'd think that if everyone just stuck to calling your son by his name, that be fine - she's 2, she'll treat it as normal (for now at least)?

Also the fact that he is 18 means sweet fuck all, I was 18 when I got with my DH and we have been together 14 years and thats without the baggage these kids already carried.

I'm thrilled for you, but you are a statistical anomaly. Relationships like the OP's son's almost never end well.

@nimbuscloud

Are they both working?

How does that affect whether she calls him Daddy or not?

@Kokeshi123

Some of the responses here are just so Peak Mumsnet.

Look, he's 18. He's technically an adult, his right to do what he wants, blah blah. But yes, I'd be pretty horrified. It's not a lovely and upstanding thing to do, it's bloody stupid.

He needs to be focusing his time, energy and resources on getting himself set up. Is he providing financial support (either formally or informally?) in this setup? Unless he has inherited a lot of money from somewhere, it's pretty hard to imagine an 18yo having the resources to do this without shortchanging himself. If he's working, he won't have much money. If he's in full time education, where is the money coming from right now (Mum and Dad, I'm guessing).

Even in cultures where people marry younger than we consider usual, it's pretty out-there to be the "father" of a 2yo at age 18. This is way too young to be playing the father role to a toddler.

The odds of this relationship surviving long-term have to be close to zero. I don't think he should be playing daddy to this child and encouraging a parent-child type relationship when he is very unlikely to be in the child's life long-term; nor should he be deluding this young woman into folding believing that she's got a new partner and "father" to her child.

And a very young single mother of a two year old should be focusing on her child and on setting herself up to provide for a child, not on dating and forming new relationships right now. Stepfathers and mums-boyfriends are risk factors for children--the obvious risk being abuse, but also the more subtle risk of emotional involvements between the child and the guy, which can leave the child devastated when the relationship breaks up. I'm sure the OP's son isn't an abuser, but the risk of emotional entanglement is absolutely there. This is not good for children.

Is the biological father of this child at least paying financial support? I bloody well hope so. We have DNA tests for a reason.

I hope to hell that this couple are doubling up on birth control (hormonal BC AND condoms), because otherwise there could be another pregnancy in the near future and the OP's son will be well and truly stuck.

All of this will bells on!

YANBU OP, it’s gutting and I hope he’s being encouraged to put his own future best interests first and keep the relationship light. It’s completely inappropriate that the child is being allowed to think of him and refer to him as Dad.

@AlmostSummer21
It’s more to do with the comments telling the op to mind her own business.
If her son and his girlfriend are relying on parents for financial support then it’s very much her business.

Difficult. I can see why you're disappointed, nineteen is very young to be a Father, even younger when it's not biologically his.

Unfortunately I think you need to get used to the idea, it'll only push him away if you try to dissuade him.

From a different perspective, what a man you have raised.

You never know, this might be forever, I was nineteen when I met my husband. Make an effort to get to know them. Do you know the girl?

He sounds lovely and mature.
He's an adult so I would stay out of it.

If they're still together in another year or 2, maybe he can consider adopting her.

It’d be appropriate to be proud of him.

I totally understand your concern. All you’ll get off of this forum though is that it’s none of your business, he’s an adult blah blah blah.

He’s really young and of course it’s not what you want for him. I find it hard to believe it what anyone would want for their 18 year old. It’s dangerous territory with her calling him dad, it’s not right and very confusing for her. I’m not sure what you can actually do though x

@Kokeshi123

Some of the responses here are just so Peak Mumsnet.

Look, he's 18. He's technically an adult, his right to do what he wants, blah blah. But yes, I'd be pretty horrified. It's not a lovely and upstanding thing to do, it's bloody stupid.

He needs to be focusing his time, energy and resources on getting himself set up. Is he providing financial support (either formally or informally?) in this setup? Unless he has inherited a lot of money from somewhere, it's pretty hard to imagine an 18yo having the resources to do this without shortchanging himself. If he's working, he won't have much money. If he's in full time education, where is the money coming from right now (Mum and Dad, I'm guessing).

Even in cultures where people marry younger than we consider usual, it's pretty out-there to be the "father" of a 2yo at age 18. This is way too young to be playing the father role to a toddler.

The odds of this relationship surviving long-term have to be close to zero. I don't think he should be playing daddy to this child and encouraging a parent-child type relationship when he is very unlikely to be in the child's life long-term; nor should he be deluding this young woman into folding believing that she's got a new partner and "father" to her child.

And a very young single mother of a two year old should be focusing on her child and on setting herself up to provide for a child, not on dating and forming new relationships right now. Stepfathers and mums-boyfriends are risk factors for children--the obvious risk being abuse, but also the more subtle risk of emotional involvements between the child and the guy, which can leave the child devastated when the relationship breaks up. I'm sure the OP's son isn't an abuser, but the risk of emotional entanglement is absolutely there. This is not good for children.

Is the biological father of this child at least paying financial support? I bloody well hope so. We have DNA tests for a reason.

I hope to hell that this couple are doubling up on birth control (hormonal BC AND condoms), because otherwise there could be another pregnancy in the near future and the OP's son will be well and truly stuck.

Yes!

I know he has been there for the girl before they were dating-but they haven't been dating a year yet & he is called Daddy?

It all sounds way too much!

Are they even living together as a family?

I'm genuinely surprised so many people think it's none of the OPs business. Technically she can't do anything about it, but of course she can be concerned.

I'm a single mother of a 2 year old who doesn't know her dad. I don't have a boyfriend, but I would be pretty concerned if I got one and she thought he was her dad, it could potentially cause all kinds of hurt for her later on.

@Kokeshi123

Some of the responses here are just so Peak Mumsnet.

Look, he's 18. He's technically an adult, his right to do what he wants, blah blah. But yes, I'd be pretty horrified. It's not a lovely and upstanding thing to do, it's bloody stupid.

He needs to be focusing his time, energy and resources on getting himself set up. Is he providing financial support (either formally or informally?) in this setup? Unless he has inherited a lot of money from somewhere, it's pretty hard to imagine an 18yo having the resources to do this without shortchanging himself. If he's working, he won't have much money. If he's in full time education, where is the money coming from right now (Mum and Dad, I'm guessing).

Even in cultures where people marry younger than we consider usual, it's pretty out-there to be the "father" of a 2yo at age 18. This is way too young to be playing the father role to a toddler.

The odds of this relationship surviving long-term have to be close to zero. I don't think he should be playing daddy to this child and encouraging a parent-child type relationship when he is very unlikely to be in the child's life long-term; nor should he be deluding this young woman into folding believing that she's got a new partner and "father" to her child.

And a very young single mother of a two year old should be focusing on her child and on setting herself up to provide for a child, not on dating and forming new relationships right now. Stepfathers and mums-boyfriends are risk factors for children--the obvious risk being abuse, but also the more subtle risk of emotional involvements between the child and the guy, which can leave the child devastated when the relationship breaks up. I'm sure the OP's son isn't an abuser, but the risk of emotional entanglement is absolutely there. This is not good for children.

Is the biological father of this child at least paying financial support? I bloody well hope so. We have DNA tests for a reason.

I hope to hell that this couple are doubling up on birth control (hormonal BC AND condoms), because otherwise there could be another pregnancy in the near future and the OP's son will be well and truly stuck.

All very good points but he's still 18.

What's he going to do? Listen to Mummy and walk away?

They've obviously made their minds up, however questionable the decision. He's clearly been on the scene since she's born in one capacity or another and has no intention of walking away.

All nagging him about this will do is push him away, instead, step back and wait to see if it does fall out.

Are you positive he isn't the biological father, OP?

Well said @Kokeshi123 and @diddl

All this "ah isn't he lovely for doing that" - no!!! He's only just reached adulthood, he didn't impregnate anyone and therefore should not have to raise a child he doesn't have to raise. WHY would someone be a teen parent if they didn't absolutely have to be?! He will have no rights the moment it goes tits up.

Funny how everyone is all "they're grown adults" - yet last night there was a thread that eventually got deleted, where the OP said her 19yo son was drug dealing taking drugs and smashing things up, and he hated her partner (who's not the 19yo's dad) for objecting to the drug taking. OP was swiftly told to dump the OH and concentrate on her child, he's only a boy, being 19 doesn't make him an adult, and it's the OP's fault he is the way he is for bringing men into the house to abuse him it was a glorious display of ridiculousness and victim blaming, but those of us saying "he's old enough to move out" - well you'd think we were saying it about a 6yo. One person even said men don't mature properly til 35 so can't be treated as grown ups

But an 18yo taking on someone else's kid - none of the OP's business, he's a grown man 🤣🤣

He is young and naive and no life experience, you are quite within your rights as parents to voice your concerns and tell him of what sort of lifestyle he is getting him self into, having to deal with someone else's children at that young age heavily restricts what you can and can not do, he won't be able to go travelling for a year, go on holidays as a couple without children, if he enjoys that sort of lifestyle then let him crack on but he has no experience of being free and single with no ties and responsibilities

I love how on MN an 18yo becoming the default father to a toddler that isn’t his is the height of maturity. The 18yo is an adult and such a great role model.

And at the same time a 19~20yo is still a teenager. Don’t you know that brains aren’t fully developed until they are 25yo. Still a child so you need to leave them some leeway etc etc.

Personally, I think it’s crazy. Regardless of their age, they’ve been together for only a year or so. Letting the child calling him daddy is too much too soon. They are not even living together! (Arent they?).
I would actually say that letting that happen and/or encouraging it is a sign of a lack of maturity.

As for him becoming ‘a dad’, tbh he isn’t. At best he is a step father.
As it is always the case in that sort of situation, he will only become a dad much later on after actually spending a few years acting as a father. No way he has done that whilst not living together etc…
I think people have this feeling that an 18yo ready to step up like this is amazing so want to make it something it actually isn’t.

There is plenty OP can do. Assuming they have good relationship, she can respectfully explain how irresponsible the situation, how even though he probably believes this young woman is a love of his life, he has no rights and therefore no responsibilities towards this little girl. How this young woman can decide at any moment of time to leave and he wont be able to do anything at all about being in the little girl's life.
Also it is understandable why OP is unhappy with the situation. I wouldn't want my 18 yo raising someone else's child and trying hard to provide for them instead of travelling, going to uni, dating many people, socialising and meeting new people without a burden of such heave responsibilities. And no, I wouldn't be 'proud of him' either. It is a stupid thing to do at such a young age.

I totally understand your concerns but it's not your place to try to tell him what to do. If he asks for your opinion then give it. Otherwise, try to stay neutral.

I understand why you feel the way you do, they are both very young. If this relationship ends (as many teenage relationships do) then it will be all the more difficult for the child.

BUT, it's really between your DS and the GF, so grit your teeth, MYOB, and say nothing. The only thing you have control over is whether or not you wish to take on the roll of grandparent and be called by a 'grandparent name'. That's something you need to think about now, but say nothing until/unless it happens.