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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
Flomoon · 05/08/2021 15:46

@Iwonder08

There is plenty OP can do. Assuming they have good relationship, she can respectfully explain how irresponsible the situation, how even though he probably believes this young woman is a love of his life, he has no rights and therefore no responsibilities towards this little girl. How this young woman can decide at any moment of time to leave and he wont be able to do anything at all about being in the little girl's life. Also it is understandable why OP is unhappy with the situation. I wouldn't want my 18 yo raising someone else's child and trying hard to provide for them instead of travelling, going to uni, dating many people, socialising and meeting new people without a burden of such heave responsibilities. And no, I wouldn't be 'proud of him' either. It is a stupid thing to do at such a young age.
It's easy to assume an 18 year old is clueless about their rights etc, but i don't think that's necessarily the case. You might not want your 18 year old to do something, but it doesn't mean you have any real influence in their decision making beyond talking to them.
Onlinedilema · 05/08/2021 15:48

I think it's wrong.
What happens when the child eventually finds out he is not her father?
All children have the bright to know who their parents are and this trumps any feelings the parents have.I
Totally wrong.
I've known of several adults who have found out their 'father' is nothing of the sort and trust me the shit has hit the fan.
Not one of them has been forgiving of either the mother or the father figure.

daisyjgrey · 05/08/2021 15:52

This couldn't be less of your business.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 15:53

I love how on MN an 18yo becoming the default father to a toddler that isn’t his is the height of maturity. The 18yo is an adult and such a great role model.

It makes me wonder if the OP was posting about her 18yo daughter taking on the role of mummy to her boyfriend's child, would she get the same response and called mature and upstanding? I doubt it. The unanimous verdict would be 'tell her to run'.

I am a staunch feminist, have been since the age of about 4 when I noticed how differently my brother were treated and objected to it, and I'm usually in the Rad-Femish 'men are probably the problem here' camp. But the way MN speaks about teenage boys is absolutely abhorrent.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 15:54

It's easy to assume an 18 year old is clueless about their rights etc, but i don't think that's necessarily the case.

I think pointing out his rights would be beneficial, as it's likely he has no idea that he could easily be cut out of the child's life. Plenty of people don't get married and then find it a shock that they're not entitled to XYZ. So an 18 year old who knows about his rights in such a difficult situation would be unusual.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 15:55

@daisyjgrey

This couldn't be less of your business.
It is if she's expected to play the role of granny.

My sister had a baby girl aged 18 and a man who wasn't the father raised her. I remember his parents really pushing back on being called grandma and grandad, and my god the names they were called for not pretending to go along with the lie were ridiculous. This is how entitled people are

phishy · 05/08/2021 15:57

Has it affected DS in terms of education, job prospects, etc? I can see why parents wouldn’t want this for their child.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/08/2021 15:58

I had three children when I married my second husband. He was seven years younger than me.

The reason I love my MIL is because she never said a word and she opened her heart to my children. She must have been apprehensive but she raised a man with strong values and she was sensible enough to trust him to live them.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 16:01

@Disfordarkchocolate

I had three children when I married my second husband. He was seven years younger than me.

The reason I love my MIL is because she never said a word and she opened her heart to my children. She must have been apprehensive but she raised a man with strong values and she was sensible enough to trust him to live them.

That's not really comparable to the OPs situation. OP shouldn't be afraid to voice her concerns, as the situation her son is in is likely to lead to heartbreak.
Just10moreminutesplease · 05/08/2021 16:03

I understand you being worried but it is his decision. The days of him needing your approval are over and interfering is likely to damage your relationship.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 16:04

@Disfordarkchocolate

I had three children when I married my second husband. He was seven years younger than me.

The reason I love my MIL is because she never said a word and she opened her heart to my children. She must have been apprehensive but she raised a man with strong values and she was sensible enough to trust him to live them.

I assume you both weren't 18 and 19 and your 3 children didn't confuse your second husband with being their father?
MyriadeOfThings · 05/08/2021 16:05

It’s mainly going to be a heartbreak for the CHiILD who would suddenly lose their father with no chance of spending time with him again… because the ds was never their father.

That’s why I’m saying it’s a very immature thing to do.
Yes I’m sure they both find it’s cute for that toddler to call him dad. But they clearky haven’t thought about the potential repercussions.

x2boys · 05/08/2021 16:06

I wonder how many of the posters, who think its wonderful and the Op should be proud, would be quite so thrilled if it was their own son?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 16:08

@x2boys

I wonder how many of the posters, who think its wonderful and the Op should be proud, would be quite so thrilled if it was their own son?
Indeed!

I'm not ashamed to say I'd be telling my son to not take this child on and explain why. I wouldn't let it go.

I also wonder how many posters would be happy if their DD was playing mum to her boyfriend's child

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 16:08

@MyriadeOfThings

It’s mainly going to be a heartbreak for the CHiILD who would suddenly lose their father with no chance of spending time with him again… because the ds was never their father.

That’s why I’m saying it’s a very immature thing to do.
Yes I’m sure they both find it’s cute for that toddler to call him dad. But they clearky haven’t thought about the potential repercussions.

Sadly so few people consider the actual child when they play these games with who plays what role.
MyShoelaceIsUndone · 05/08/2021 16:10

Let him experience his life with his gf and her child and be supportive. Take an interest as much as he wants you to, ask after gf and the child. Let him lead the chats. If you push to much he will dig his heels in

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 05/08/2021 16:11

I’d be really disappointed if any of my kids dated someone who had a two year when they were so young. I wouldn’t be proud at all. I don’t understand what he has done that posters think is impressive? I find it a bit childish to be honest. It’s ridiculous that the child calls him Dad if she was encouraged to do it.
Obviously if I were the OP I wouldn’t actually say anything. I’d keep my worries and my opinion to myself.

Original poster
fomentin · 05/08/2021 16:11

No, they don't live together and DS still lives at home. DS has a job but she doesn't and DS does give her some of his money and pays for things etc. I don't think the biological dad pays for her but I could be wrong.

OP posts:
MyriadeOfThings · 05/08/2021 16:11

@Just10moreminutesplease

I understand you being worried but it is his decision. The days of him needing your approval are over and interfering is likely to damage your relationship.
Nope, I’m sorry but no.

The role of a mother (or father) doesn’t stop when a child is getting to 18yo.
No a parent can’t actually dictate to their child what to do and expect them to do things their way.
But a parent should still be there to support and guide, especially an 18yo. Giving facts to an 18yo isn’t interfering. It’s supporting. Things like he won’t see the child ever gain if they separate. Is he acting like a dad (getting up at night, changing nappies, calming tantrums etc etc)? What is the potential impact for the child? Have they told the toddler he isn’t their real father etc…. Is he happy to take the responsibility going with being a father aka providing financially etc…

Interfering would be to tell then how to live, whether they should stay together etc….

UpstreamSwimmer · 05/08/2021 16:11

So people can speak of themselves as 'mummy' to their pets, but your son being a dad to a human is a problem?

Whinge · 05/08/2021 16:12

@fomentin

No, they don't live together and DS still lives at home. DS has a job but she doesn't and DS does give her some of his money and pays for things etc. I don't think the biological dad pays for her but I could be wrong.
Well i'd be sorting that pretty quickly, the biological dad should be paying even if he doesn't want contact.

Also please tell me your DS isn't on the birth certificate. 😫

MyriadeOfThings · 05/08/2021 16:13

Yep.

Ie it always is when a stepmum is expecting her dsc to call her mum.
Or when a stepdad is expecting his dsc to call him dad.

There is nothing revolutionary there.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 16:14

@UpstreamSwimmer

So people can speak of themselves as 'mummy' to their pets, but your son being a dad to a human is a problem?
Is that sarcasm?

Because if not I really think you need to evaluate the difference between a pet and a child.

OP's and the PP's concerns are entirely valid for the impact a failed relationship will have on a child. Comparing her to a cat or a dog somewhat undermines the situation.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 16:14

OP with any luck this will fizzle out.

Ignore the posters telling you to be proud of your son - I'm sure he makes you proud in many ways but this is just foolish

MrsMaizel · 05/08/2021 16:22

I understand where you are coming from @fomentin - maybe this isn't the life that you want for your young son tied to a girl and a child at this age. I would feel exactly the same . You fear that his life options are narrowing and I don't blame you .