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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 04/08/2021 14:22

I dunno OP, I can see it from your POV totally. However he might be one of those people that just can’t concentrate when there’s someone else in the house, particularly when it’s someone they want to spend time with and engage with.

I tried to write an essay with my DP isolating at my house last week and it was nigh on impossible. I just couldn’t concentrate when there was fun and nice time to be had with him. Perhaps he gets similarly distracted?

Pottedpalm · 04/08/2021 14:22

Have you asked him?

gamerchick · 04/08/2021 14:24

Stop staying at his and don't contemplate moving in together any time soon. I get the impression this is just the tip of his iceberg.

Original poster
Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:26

He just says ' I just prefer to work when you're not in the house'

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/08/2021 14:28

That's really off.

I'd just refuse to stay over if I am working the next day.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/08/2021 14:28

Neither of you are unreasonable. Just different.
Don't stay over at his when either of you are working the next day.

Sandinmyknickers · 04/08/2021 14:30

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend in the summer last year..he would stay round and end up working at mine the next day (he moved in last November so now lives with me as it was getting silly him having having keep going home).
It's a tiny bit distracting at first, but you settle into it pretty quickly and it sounds like you're describing an actual house with an upstairs (mine is just a 1 bed flat) which makes it even better. I think he is being unreasonable especially as you are only asking a few hours, not to stay for another 2 days straight!! I can appreciate he wants his own space but his reaction seems extreme and sounds like you wouldn't be able to live together any time soon. I'm not one for 'red flags ' usually, but this would set me worrying...

DysmalRadius · 04/08/2021 14:32

What does he do? Is he dealing with confidential information or on meetings where he might feel inhibited if he could be overheard?

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 04/08/2021 14:33

I also think it's just different ways of working, and he's perfectly entitled to want to work in his own place, alone. If the pandemic had never happened, presumably you'd still be rushed out in the morning so you could both make it in on time.

BornIn78 · 04/08/2021 14:35

I can kind of see his point, I need total concentration and getting stuck into a chunk of work or something confidential, only to be disturbed as you’re packing up and leaving mid-morning wouldn’t work for me.

And before you’ve even done a couple of hours, you’re already asking to work there for a few days at a time.

He may be concerned you’re trying to move in by stealth, like you’ll start saying “well I’ve been here a few days. it’s silly me having to go home, I might as well just.. “.

BriocheForBreakfast · 04/08/2021 14:35

It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!

This is the question you need to ask him.

Blackwidow47 · 04/08/2021 14:35

Get him to stay at yours midweek then the travel is all on him.

phishy · 04/08/2021 14:37

I can see both sides too.

My elderly mum is lovely and undemanding but when she pops over sometimes and is quietly watching TV downstairs (Until we can for a walk etc) I find it really hard to concentrate. Just the fact of the person being there throws me off.

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 14:37

I can’t work properly with anyone here. I’d be the same.

I need to concentrate and deal with very confidential information and I can’t do that with anyone in the house.

I don’t have my (new) boyfriend to stay if I have to work the next day. I send him home. 😳

Conkergame · 04/08/2021 14:38

I would be annoyed with this OP. DH and I have both been working full time from home during the pandemic and it’s totally possible for both of us to get work done as we’re in different rooms. For a while we had to share a room whilst we had work done - it was distracting but we managed it ok for 4 weeks!

I wouldn’t stay at his on week nights any more if I were you.

AlmostSummer21 · 04/08/2021 14:38

I can see both points of view.

It's different when you live together, but I find it difficult to switch off from them when a guest is staying.

I can understand your POV too, but id just stop staying at his in the week.

phishy · 04/08/2021 14:39

@phishy I think that’s a bit different, my DH WFHs too, and I can concentrate with him here, it’s just other people who don’t live here.

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 14:40

[quote phishy]@phishy I think that’s a bit different, my DH WFHs too, and I can concentrate with him here, it’s just other people who don’t live here.[/quote]
Replying to yourself?

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 14:40

I’m better off wfh alone to be honest.

Why don’t you stay at yours in the week instead? Does he ever come to you?

Teacupsandtoast · 04/08/2021 14:42

How long have you been together and does he stay over/work from yours?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/08/2021 14:42

It's his choice, but I would also feel a bit annoyed. But all you can do is say you won't stay over in that case and if he wants to see you, he can come over to yours and rush hour is then his problem.

MarianneUnfaithful · 04/08/2021 14:42

Leaving at 8 on a work morning is hardly the crack of dawn.

Is he on Zoom meetings/ phone calls? That would make me self conscious, possibly.

Or he just wants to do the affectionate goodbye and focus. Not be disturbed by you leaving via the kitchen / ground floor.

Why can’t he stay at yours on week nights and be the one to leave first thing?

phishy · 04/08/2021 14:42

Sorry my last post was to @Conkergame !

ApolloandDaphne · 04/08/2021 14:43

My DD and her OH never work together either. They both order their own work space. If she stays at his she gets up at 7 and cycles back to hers to start at 8!

Original poster
Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:45

@Blackwidow47

Get him to stay at yours midweek then the travel is all on him.
He lives right in town and I am on the outskirts, so if we go out for a drink in town it would never make sense to go back to mine, which is why I usually end up staying at his place. So the option really is for me to stay at his or get public transport to and from town (45 min journey each way and 2 buses) which isn't ideal at night time. If he comes to mine for an evening in he won't stay on a weeknight. Good to hear different opinions.
OP posts: