AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

[Acey68]

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

I echo all that Darlingx wrote above.

I do agree Darlingx .

Whereas I can see that from the boyfriend’s perspective he is being reasonable, that matters not a joy of the woman herself doesn’t find it a perspective that suits her own needs etc.

They are simply incompatible.

No shame or blame in that.

Agree with PPs. You seem very much a convenience for him and things seem to be on his terms/schedule.

Sure, he probably wants to work without distractions (fair enough!) but how much of a distraction would you be in different room plus all the other stuff (out at 9am at the weekend).

Be less accommodating and stay home during the week.

I heard a lot of people have split up due to overhearing what their OH sounds like when "in the office"!

LoisLane66 Thank you !

LoisLane66 🤗

@Darlingx

I just think we need to stop encouraging woman to invest in relationships that don’t suit them. I feel really strongly about this because it is different for a woman to waste time a year, years or just going down an obvious dead end because of lacking the self worth in their worktime or where they want to be relationship wise. If you want to have children as a woman these decisions and the effect on your self esteem are important factors. You could end up in a series of relationships that are dead ends if you accept behaviour that makes you feel slotted in. I have packed the overnight bags, left for the personal trainer apt and frankly I felt like I was slotted between the cleaner and the gym. If you want a lie in or not to sit in traffic or a couple of hours grace I would say that is a perfectly acceptable want in an intimate relationship that you are investing your time in. Remember a woman’s fertile years are not to be wasted on dead end relationships with all the red flags if u want to have children with a partner. I honestly think they should educate woman at school about this . About wasting your fertile years on no go relationships where the men gain sex on tap with no strings attached why are we encouraging woman to find this slotting in behaviour acceptable unless it suits her?? She is not focusing on her job sitting on traffic heaven forbid she should throw off his work focus. It’s obviously causing her self doubt because he is the one setting the timetable just please remember a really important timetable in your personal life if u want to have your own family . A relationship that slots you in may not result in this outcome for practical reasons have the confidence to not dance to someone else’s tune or if its a casual hook up make sure u save the week nights for dates with men that are possibly a better fit for you. Investing in the wrong relationship closes off finding the right one .

I agree with what you are saying but at the same time it doesn't make the OP's guy a bad guy for being clear on his priorities.

Unless he is also constantly begging her to stay overnight before throwing her out in the morning and promising her that she is the one he's going to marry very soon.

But it doesn't sound like that from the OP - it sounds like the boyfriend is having a lovely time with the OP and has made some very clear boundaries about what he does and does not want to do.

It's up to the OP if she's okay with that or not. Sounds like she's not. And if she has a frank conversation about what she wants to change and he doesn't want it to change then she has the option to leave or put up with it.

What I don't understand is all the posters calling him a controlling arse.

All sounds far to rigid for me, especially as he is the same way during weekends too! Nah.

cabingirl
I think the posters are calling him a controlling arse because of the rigid boundaries.
I think you are right he is very clear in saying you are not welcome to stay beyond a sleepover and it just depends if they spent time how OP wants to spend her time.
I just want her to feel confident in her feelings and create her terms to achieve her goals. So I say to her it’s not much to ask , you are being practical and you are right to question how his rigid boundaries would work moving in together.
Just bear in mind she could talk it out and lets hope she gets honest answers. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors only OP knows but I really don’t want her to feel second rate or to doubt her judgement of expecting more as valid.
I also don’t want her to put herself to one side which is an issue for women if they are being sidelined. It happens a lot in the workplace and in relationships and my theory is women will bear the burden like carrying a child . I almost wish if men could turn their bodies over to carrying and nurturing a life they might be less rigid with their boundaries. By carrying a growing foetus and then feeding a baby from your body with all the side effects to your body and the self sacrifice . can you imagine having rigid boundaries with no compassion for the ill feeling of someone you are intimate with. There would be a lot of starving and sick babies around if the majority of women adopted this attitude yet they build a career alongside all of this that’s putting themselves out for more than a couple of hours !

@Darlingx

cabingirl I think the posters are calling him a controlling arse because of the rigid boundaries. I think you are right he is very clear in saying you are not welcome to stay beyond a sleepover and it just depends if they spent time how OP wants to spend her time. I just want her to feel confident in her feelings and create her terms to achieve her goals. So I say to her it’s not much to ask , you are being practical and you are right to question how his rigid boundaries would work moving in together. Just bear in mind she could talk it out and lets hope she gets honest answers. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors only OP knows but I really don’t want her to feel second rate or to doubt her judgement of expecting more as valid. I also don’t want her to put herself to one side which is an issue for women if they are being sidelined. It happens a lot in the workplace and in relationships and my theory is women will bear the burden like carrying a child . I almost wish if men could turn their bodies over to carrying and nurturing a life they might be less rigid with their boundaries. By carrying a growing foetus and then feeding a baby from your body with all the side effects to your body and the self sacrifice . can you imagine having rigid boundaries with no compassion for the ill feeling of someone you are intimate with. There would be a lot of starving and sick babies around if the majority of women adopted this attitude yet they build a career alongside all of this that’s putting themselves out for more than a couple of hours !

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you that women should know their own worth, their own boundaries and their own limits when entering relationships.

But I actually think in this case the OP's boyfriend is being so super clear about his wants and isn't pretending to offer something that's not available - which is a clear situation to start talking from.

I've seen many relationships of friends where there was an 'implication' that things were progessing to a particular level of relationship when later it was clearly all a lie.

I think your advice is sound - the OP needs to decide clearly on her wants and needs and communicate those needs clearly with the confidence to walk away if they are not going to be met.

Still doesnt make the Op's boyfriend a bad guy - just an incompatible one

OP states how would this work if we lived together. Maybe that is a discussion to be had would they ever live together bearing in mind he is clear no staying just visiting. No wfh for 2 hrs she wfh so does he so thats a no go. She owns her own place and had building work done and wants to be living with a partner in the future .Is she going to frustrated at herself or with him ?

He sounds uptight. Who wants to be out of the house by 9am every weekend morning??

He sounds like a bit of a natural loner, who doesn't really share easily. He may just like quietude and his own space.

This is a relationship issue and is hard to judge for others. It may be that he is not really into you, it may be that he finds too much of your presence an irritation if you chat all the time and getting on his nerves.
However, you seem to only ask for a bit of flexibility, which I think is very reasonable. He seems to really be a bit of a bonehead.

Well it looks like she chucked him, as there is a thread by the OP that's made it into the Daily Mail about on line dating experiences recently.

@Conkergame

All these people saying they can’t possibly work with someone else in the house (in a different room, with doors shut! ) - how on earth did you cope before the pandemic when most people were in busy offices?!

I’ve always had an office to myself!

Ah, z bike. Bollocks.

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️

I'm relieved to hear she chucked him. He sounded so self-centered.

Hope she did chuck him. Sounded like he wasn't that bothered about what suited her in life.

I don't think you are suited, he doesn't seem to make as much effort in regards to the relationship.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

Well it looks like she chucked him, as there is a thread by the OP that's made it into the Daily Mail about on line dating experiences recently.

Good news

I'm afraid the overall picture that you're talking about would be a red flag for me.

How on earth is this going to move forward into a sharing loving together relationship?

Everything done his way and all so controlled and rigid.