AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

[Acey68]

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

I married and had three kids with someone with a serious case of narcissistic personality disorder and am now going through the most horrendous divorce. When I read you post alarms bells went off. Why have you stay and then boot you out and why allow yourself to feel that way. Don’t stay, let things cool off. Tell him how it makes you feel. No man, no marriage is worth compromising your self worth. Let him come to you and if he doesn’t then it’s a pretty good sign he’ll always take you for granted…

I can see it from both POVs. However, it's a bit mean of him not letting you stay until after rush hour. I know he says he prefers you not to be there when he's working, but what does he actually say when you want to leave later? Personally I would probably say "I am leaving at 10 otherwise I get stuck in traffic for ages" and not word it as a question but make sure I did leave at 10.

If he is still adamant that you leave early (bit weird & selfish) then, as it is bothering you, I wouldn't be staying the night on work nights even if it's a bit inconvenient or be looking for a new BF!

Sounds like you are at different points in your relationship or have differing perceptions of it.

Sounds like a booty call to me.
Have his nights of fun and wants you gone in the morning.

Have him sleep over at yours instead of you sleeping at his. He can be the one to get up early and fight the traffic.

If it bothers you, don't go out in town during the week.
I don't think it's particularly odd that he doesn't want you there when he's working. I do find it strange that you're constantly trying to push against his very clear boundary and persuade him to change it.
Some people push and push for their own way. Perhaps he's afraid that's what you're doing here and that if he did let you stay, you'd then push against his work boundaries during the day too.
It's disrespectful to keep pushing. Stop it. Either get up early, don't go out during the week or split up because you find him too rigid. These are your options.

Is he working for only fans? His need for privacy and fear of leaving you alone in the house is very suspicious.
I can't believe he expects you to leave at the weekend when he visits the gym. That is crazy.
He really doesn't deserve you.

Hmm, can’t vote either way, but wouldn’t stay over the night before work if it bothered me.

OP, I have a feeling that if you tell him it's over, he wouldn't be that fussed. He has stuck to his single life routine as much as possible and there is very little room for you. Does he also plan when you have sex? He sounds incredibly stiff and unyielding. I agree with a PP, stop staying over during the week and just take it from there x

@EmeraldShamrock

Is he working for only fans? His need for privacy and fear of leaving you alone in the house is very suspicious. I can't believe he expects you to leave at the weekend when he visits the gym. That is crazy. He really doesn't deserve you.

I don't think it's suspicious or crazy at all.

They don't live together or have children together - he's allowed to want to keep his house/space to himself.

But if OP wants more commitment or intimacy that's equally valid. But it's not that odd that he doesn't want the same.

If a woman posted and said her boyfriend kept trying to work from her house all week and laid around there all weekend while she got in with stuff, she'd probably be told to boot him out 😬

Are you sure you’re actually his girlfriend? It sounds to me like you’re an option, rather than his first choice. Considering the small amount of time you spend together, he could easily have at least one other woman on the go. Either he is very rigid and cannot accommodate others in his space or you’re a place holder until someone he actually wants to spend his life with comes along. Please pick your self esteem up off the ground. You’re worth more than a shag twice a week.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

What's the long term plan if you ever move in together? Has he never worked in an office with other people? If he struggles to concentrate with you in the house then I think he just needs to try a bit harder to be honest, it's not impossible it's just a preference. Otherwise I'd be telling him I was going home in the evening rather than stuck in rush hour traffic

Why should he try a bit harder to accomodate distractions from his work?

That's such a weird attitude: his career presumably predates this relationship, why should he jeopardise his livelihood in order not to offend his gf?

I wfh and I also hate trying to work when my boyfriend is here: its a massive distraction and he doesn't really understand what I do and doesn't get the levels of pressure involved.

If they do move in together presumably they'll need a plan to work in different rooms etc and get set up accordingly. But that's a different ballgame from having someone decide unilaterally that they're going to treat your place like an office.

@Acey68 sorry to say but this is odd.

I appreciate he may prefer to alone when working. He may feel he works more effectively, but to flat out refuse for to stay there even when there is building work going on at your place AND he can work in a completely different part of the house to you is weird. Its not like he has tired it but you are distracting him so he has decided against this way of working.

How was he managing in an office working with others before the pandemic?

It makes you wonder how he would manage living with you. I think I would have to look at this on a broader scale.

Do you think that he feels like you staying over and then working the next day may lead to you slowly spending more time there and eventually moving in and the thought of that freaks him out?

YANBU

Do you do anything other than stay over at his house after a drink. Anything in the daytime? Have you met any of his friends, has he met any of yours? Have you made plans for going anywhere, weekend away? days out?

@Mummyoflittledragon

Are you sure you’re actually his girlfriend? It sounds to me like you’re an option, rather than his first choice. Considering the small amount of time you spend together, he could easily have at least one other woman on the go. Either he is very rigid and cannot accommodate others in his space or you’re a place holder until someone he actually wants to spend his life with comes along. Please pick your self esteem up off the ground. You’re worth more than a shag twice a week.

This is such a backwards attitude. Whenever anyone posts about time/space/scheduling issues someone pops up to say "are you sure you're not married?" or "he's not that into you you"

There seems to be this mindset that a relationship has to be all encompassing (and cohabiting) more or less from the getgo or it has no value. See also people parrotting this line about how you can't call yourself a "partner" unless you live together. This obsession with cohabitation being a badge of an authentic relationship.

A lot of independent people nowadays, particularly people who have already been married or have their own children or who have demanding careers, value their space more and know how important it is to ringfence some of this from the endless mission creep of living together. Particularly after the pandemic when so many people had to deal with the logistics challenges of having a couple working in the same house.

It's perfectly reasonable to want to keep the place that you work separate from your intimate relationships -- in fact in my view its far healthier. The idea that because you're in a relationship with someone you have to allow them to spill over into every corner of your life is incredibly unhealthy.

@thepeopleversuswork Seriously, it's a more than valid question. He rarely sees her and only on specific days/times and then he rushes her out the door. Doesn't like her staying over. Won't go to hers during the week. For goodness sake, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's not likely to be a cat. Occam's razor explanation. It's blindingly batshit obvious OP is not his only woman. Like I said in my previous post, it's a classic case of Things that make you go Hmmm.

It is unnecessarily harsh to make you drive through heavy traffic. Ideas:

1. Stop staying over
2. Leave very early - 6am
3. Refuse to leave until 10am and see how bf reacts. If he gets very stroppy and aggressive I’d rethink your future with him.

Good luck

I think not staying over mid-week is the best idea. Arrive on Saturday after he gets home from the gym, stay Saturday night and spend Sunday together, then go home. Or he can come to the op's. I must say if I was a single girl with my own home I would prefer spending time there than at someone else's place.

Stop staying over.

Just stop making all the effort.

Let him miss you.

Let him realise it's a compromise and he needs to work for you too

If the above doesn't work, he's just not that into you

I think staying over with someone during the week when you both have work sounds more hassle than it's worth. If I wasn't married I'm not sure I'd want someone else in the house on a morning when I'm trying to get sorted for work. It depends if you want it to progress to a living together having kids scenario. How old are you both?

There is nothing wrong with either of you, you are just not compatible

Are you heading back at 8am on your working day and sitting in traffic on a work day? I had relationships like this in the past. It always seemed the inconvenience was on my time like my working hours or time didn’t matter and I had to pack overnight things. I think because he is in town and its safer than travelling at night on public transport. I just think I would prefer a partner with more flexibility even if it is distracting its something he may have to overcome for a couple of hours I mean its not the whole day surely 2 hrs is a good step rather than a whole day? It’s horrible being rushed out in the morning it’s like your just a recreational partner and only fit into that compartment. It is off putting having someone there but for 2 hrs it’s hardly a massive disruption to his focus for the working day. Don’t ever get a pet then or move in together or have children because they don’t timetable at the working hours. Sounds like he is just fitting you around his work rather than you being in his life and his work fitting around having a personal life as well. I knew I met the right guy because he would bend things to fit his life around me being part of his life and if you are in an intimate relationship wholeheartly that is such a lovely place to be at and its a bar you should aim for don’t settle for being timetabled in. A relationship is about meeting each other in the middle somewhere ideally :-) Talk to him about it if it’s bothering you so u can understand the reasons why.

Just start getting a cab home every time you meet him in town . Don't stay over in the week. If he doesn't mind that, and doesn't seem to.miss you staying over, that will tell you something about how he feels about you.

I think this would be close to a deal breaker for me. You are asking to stay for a couple of hours once a week. Even if it disturbs him slightly it is only once a week for a very short time . His lack of consideration for you having to do all of the travelling mid week and also making it so you have to travel at the worst time of day is telling IMO

[quote NeonDreams]@thepeopleversuswork Seriously, it's a more than valid question. He rarely sees her and only on specific days/times and then he rushes her out the door. Doesn't like her staying over. Won't go to hers during the week. For goodness sake, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's not likely to be a cat. Occam's razor explanation. It's blindingly batshit obvious OP is not his only woman. Like I said in my previous post, it's a classic case of Things that make you go Hmmm.[/quote]
It's absolutely not blindingly obvious that he has another woman!

It appears from the OPs remarks that her boyfriend does not want a live in partner, and is happy with the level of commitment they have right now. It's clear that the OP is not happy with that.

It's just two people with different priorities at this point.

The OP never said he doesn't like her staying over.

He does not want her there during his working hours. He also doesn't want to change is weekend gym routine and only wants her hanging round in the house when he's at the gym if they have specific plans with each other later.

He does go to her during the week - she says so in one of her posts - they have cozy nights in at her house but he chooses not to stay overnight during the week - presumably because he is very focused and commited to his job at the moment and wants to sit down at his desk at 8am on the dot without fighting the morning traffic.

That's not unreasonable. When I was casually dating before getting married I was always exclusive/monogamous but that didn't mean that every boyfriend was someone I saw a long term future with. Some were just 'nice for now', some were 'we'll see how it goes'. I would not have wanted to give every weekend to them. I loved having my own space and time to make other plans. I wasn't seeing any other men just because I didn't want them lazing around my house when I went out for the morning.

I can't comment re WFH as not working ATM but I do know that if my kids are visiting and in another room doing their own thing, I can't concentrate on doing housework or stuff in the garden. When my OH and I got together, neither of us could concentrate on doing anything in another room without seeking out or calling to the other yet in a workplace environment you can concentrate because you have no
'attachment' to your colleagues.

I just think we need to stop encouraging woman to invest in relationships that don’t suit them. I feel really strongly about this because it is different for a woman to waste time a year, years or just going down an obvious dead end because of lacking the self worth in their worktime or where they want to be relationship wise. If you want to have children as a woman these decisions and the effect on your self esteem are important factors. You could end up in a series of relationships that are dead ends if you accept behaviour that makes you feel slotted in. I have packed the overnight bags, left for the personal trainer apt and frankly I felt like I was slotted between the cleaner and the gym. If you want a lie in or not to sit in traffic or a couple of hours grace I would say that is a perfectly acceptable want in an intimate relationship that you are investing your time in. Remember a woman’s fertile years are not to be wasted on dead end relationships with all the red flags if u want to have children with a partner. I honestly think they should educate woman at school about this . About wasting your fertile years on no go relationships where the men gain sex on tap with no strings attached why are we encouraging woman to find this slotting in behaviour acceptable unless it suits her?? She is not focusing on her job sitting on traffic heaven forbid she should throw off his work focus. It’s obviously causing her self doubt because he is the one setting the timetable just please remember a really important timetable in your personal life if u want to have your own family . A relationship that slots you in may not result in this outcome for practical reasons have the confidence to not dance to someone else’s tune or if its a casual hook up make sure u save the week nights for dates with men that are possibly a better fit for you. Investing in the wrong relationship closes off finding the right one .