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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 04/08/2021 16:02

Why don't you have drinks/dinner at your house more often and see what happens.

My guess is that he won't want to be coming over to yours all that much, he wants you to do the running around and commuting.

Be less accomodating and then take it from there.

Maskedrevenger · 04/08/2021 16:02

Acey68
The weekends he is happy for me to stay, but sort of similar in the fact that he leaves to go to the gym at around 9am on a Saturday and Sunday and I know he prefers me to leave with him, unless we have specific plans together that day. However, if I express that I fancy a lie in / lazy morning he will let me stay while he heads off for an hour or so.

This would have me considering the future of this relationship, he’s obviously a man who likes his routines, unless there is a specific class that runs at that time? If he has a relationship that fits into his routine so nights out then back to his for sex then rushing you out the door in the morning, that’s going to work for him. Is that enough for you though it sounds like you would like more? I know I would want to be with someone who made a little space for me in their lives and wouldn’t be so rigid.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 04/08/2021 16:07

I would simply stop staying over on work nights. Don’t demean yourself by sleeping with him and then being kicked out into traffic in the morning when you could easily work at his quietly for a couple of hours. It’s up to him not to let you but it’s up to you how you react to his decision. Show your worth and that you won’t be inconvenienced like this just so he has the convenience of a shag, waking up in his own house and then complete peace and quiet as soon as it suits him. Dance to your own tune and he’ll respect you a lot more for it.

AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 16:08

@Thatsjustwhatithink

Sounds awful but someone's got to say it...he doesn't want you there.

If he wanted you there more he'd ask you. If you have to ask to stay more and practically kicks you out the door then you don't want the same things.

What are people or not OP not getting about this?

I think some people are very laid back about personal space and can't imagine anyone being different to themselves.

I'm more like OPs boyfriend. I'm open to a proper relationship, marriage even, but only to the right person. I'm not interested in the compromising that inevitably comes with living together, for the sake of being in a so-so relationship. Until then, it's strictly dating only. Sleepovers are fine, but if I need to be up and out early in the morning then so do they. I'm an introvert and I'll happily kick people out just because I need alone time. Nobody gets a key unless they live here. Nobody gets to be here when I'm not unless they live here. Nobody gets to hang out here doing their own thing. We're either hanging out together or they're leaving. I like my peace and quiet. I feel protective of my space.

cabingirl · 04/08/2021 16:08

To me it sounds like he's just very focussed on his work right now.

He doesn't stay at yours during the week because he doesn't want to fight the traffic to be able to get to his desk by 8am, or have to get up super early to get back in time. You've said yourself it's hard work doing that.

If I were you I'd probably just do the same - don't stay over on week nights unless he will change his mind about you leaving later in the morning.

You might have to start planning weeknight dates where one of you doesn't drink (alternate) and that person gets to drive home or drive the other home.

icedcoffees · 04/08/2021 16:11

@Acey68

I've bought my own place only recently (was in the process of looking when we met a year ago and bought shortly after we met) so definitely not trying to stealth move in.
Unfortunately I think your actions are saying otherwise.

You want to stay in his house when he's not home and bring your work stuff with you on the assumption that you can work there.

Did you ask before assuming you could work in his home all day long?

datepanic · 04/08/2021 16:13

Mmm I don't know really - I can sort of see his POV. If you were working in the office you'd have to leave anyway. Personally I would rather leave anyway and go home to my home office rather than work in someone else's bed but I appreciate not everyone is like that.

I think it was a bit unkind of him not to let you work there when building works were going on at yours. I'd be questioning how much he was actually giving to the relationship.

You go to his one evening in the week and stay over, presumably have sex, and in the morning he wants to know how soon you are leaving. He goes to yours one evening but won't stay over. At the weekends he wants you out at 9 am when he goes to the gym. I dunno - I feel if he was really into you/invested in the relationship he'd let you stay at his while he goes to the gym and then when he comes back you could have a late breakfast together, do something whatever.

There doesn't seem to be much consideration of your needs here and what might make your life a bit easier. It's all about him and what he wants.

Dogoodfeelgood · 04/08/2021 16:14

I would absolutely HATE this, especially being expected to leave on the weekends as he goes to the gym. It would make me feel so unwelcome. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone like this, but I really value home and togetherness and good hospitality as pretty core for me. I think I would cry if someone I was seeing made me pack my things at 9am on a Saturday! Grin

waterproofed · 04/08/2021 16:17

You see @Acey68 this would completely do my head in. There’s no way I could cope with this level of routine and rigid expectations in a partner. Obviously it’s horses for courses and I’m in no way suggesting his way of doing things is wrong, just that it wouldn’t suit me.

To his credit, he’s honest and open about it, so at least you can make an informed decision.

Dogoodfeelgood · 04/08/2021 16:20

But yes as a PP said, do not stay at his on weeknights any longer. If he wants weeknight drinks he can shlep closer to yours, otherwise it’s a no from you as you won’t be hassled to wake up so early. Similarly, on weekends he can come to yours if he wants to sleep over as you don’t like being disrupted in the mornings on weekends by having to travel home at 9am when he boots you out. Put your foot down, he’s enforcing all these rules so he can be the one to make the sacrifices. When dating I found it much nicer when they left my house rather than me having to leave theirs, psychologically you feel more in control and less dejected. I hated the lugging my overnight bag across London phase of dating!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/08/2021 16:22

You'd question the whole relationship because one person can't work with anyone else in the house? I'd question a relationship if the other person wouldn't countenance and hour or two to save me inconvenience on rush hour public transport!

@Acey68 it all sounds a bit one sided. Like you are there only at his convenience, to be shunted off once his real life kicks in. Doesn't sound like a keeper from here!

MarianneUnfaithful · 04/08/2021 16:31

You don’t live together. In his mind he’s starting his working day … but his girlfriend is over…

I don’t see all these scenarios of people wfh while husbands and children mill about as being relevant. That is about adapting while you live together.

It sounds as if you lounge around more than him. If he is starting work at 8 but you still want to be getting ready, then for him, he is at work… but he has his gf over who is showering etc, having coffee, on your laptop or whatever.

He does sound quite regimented and focussed. But you getting up and out before he starts work doesn’t sound like the biggest deal in the world. ‘It would make my life easier’ - you are sounding a bit whiny to me.

I am pretty sure that if a woman posted that when her bf stays over in the eek she likes to get up smartly and start work in her own space but her bf wants to spend longer getting dressed and hang round, but she likes her discs and no distractions, she would be told YANBU, kick him out, and by the end of the thread he would be declared (admittedly unjustly) a cocklodger. And not taking women working seriously etc etc.

AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 16:37

I wouldn't consider this relationship to be going anywhere TBH. You've been together a year and yet the only part of his weekend he wants to spend with you is the 'night on the town then back to his place' part. You sound like you want more.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2021 16:37

He sounds pretty high maintenance to me.

How do you see your relationship developing ? If he is someone to go to fancy places with, crack on and have fun.

I don't think I would want to stay over with someone who would turf me out the next day.

He doesn't sound the kind to want to settle down with a family.

How does that work for you ?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 16:40

@todaysdilemma

No not at all what your saying. The OP doesn't have a partner, it's a just about boyfriend stage. He doesn't want her there.

I do want my partner with me, as we live together and have done for 15 years. Mutual consent and love.

But the OP is trying to push her way in past the blindingly obvious boundaries he's putting up. She wants something that yes not ready or prepare to give.

theemmadilemma · 04/08/2021 16:45

I've WFH for year and found it horribly distracting having Partner home working during Covid at first. Just his mere presence threw off off my whole routine.

Nearly two years later, he's moved to full time remote working, we moved house, and it feels hugely strange when he's out on a customer site and not in his office.

If he's strong on routines and has ingrained habits, it can take a while to 'bend'.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2021 16:48

Sounds like the type to jump in the shower immediately after sex

pootleforPM · 04/08/2021 16:51

Maybe he's just someone who likes his own space and control over who is there when. I had an ex who would constantly want to hang around in the mornings when I just wanted to get on with my day in one way or another, or pop in after work when I was just enjoying time on my own watching tv or whatever.

In my view we were just dating, I had chosen to live alone, we didn't live together and there wasn't any need for him to be at my house apart from the times we had arranged to see each other, in his view we were a couple and therefore I should want to have him around as much as possible.

It may be a reflection of how seriously he sees your relationship - has there been any talk at all of moving in together?

Rubytoos · 04/08/2021 16:55

@caughtinanet yes I’d question the relationship based on this. He’s selfish, unwilling to compromise for someone else’s benefit, or adapt, or even try something before saying no. How do you think those behaviour traits are going to pan out long term?

Streamside · 04/08/2021 16:57

Your post reminds me of the opening of Bridesmaids. Hopefully you don't have to climb the electric gates to get out.
Surely this has to make you question his commitment, you're presumably not an uncontrollable child who can't keep quiet while he works. Try not staying over for a while, I'm assuming that he has those nights demarcated as his sex nights.

Rubytoos · 04/08/2021 16:57

@pootleforPM

Maybe he's just someone who likes his own space and control over who is there when. I had an ex who would constantly want to hang around in the mornings when I just wanted to get on with my day in one way or another, or pop in after work when I was just enjoying time on my own watching tv or whatever.

In my view we were just dating, I had chosen to live alone, we didn't live together and there wasn't any need for him to be at my house apart from the times we had arranged to see each other, in his view we were a couple and therefore I should want to have him around as much as possible.

It may be a reflection of how seriously he sees your relationship - has there been any talk at all of moving in together?

But why is he nOw your ex? Is it be you realised you didn’t want him round at all?
QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 16:58

Jeeeeees is this like a booty call ? how very charming he sounds... Hmm

As everyone has already said.. I'd wouldn't stay over during the week either OP.

I also don't see a future with him. Flowers

Rubytoos · 04/08/2021 16:59

Perhaps he’s a professional gambler

pootleforPM · 04/08/2021 17:06

@Rubytoos a large part of it was this kind of behaviour! e.g.

Him: I'll pop in for a cuppa after work (I would have seen him the night before, or in the morning)
Me: Not tonight, I'm just having a quiet night in
Him: But I'm in the area anyway and I won't stay long
Me: I've had a long hard day at work I don't fancy company tonight thank you though
Him: But I'll cheer you up! I'll bring biscuits! I really want to see you
Me: I saw you this morning, it's been like 12 hours! Can we leave it til tomorrow/later in the week please?
Him: well I just thought it would be nice, we could just watch tv or something. Do you want to meet me for breakfast tomorrow then?

This was the pattern in most of our interactions - I found it really suffocating and dumped him in the end, it was just too much. Not saying that OP is clingy like this at all, just that there may be a difference in how they both perceive the relationship in terms of seriousness which may be impacting why he doesn't seem to want OP there other than at their 'dating' times.

newnortherner111 · 04/08/2021 17:09

I wonder if his work involves calls where he is seen by others, and fears some ribbing (or worse) if they know someone else is in the house? Or does he use profanities and in 'work mode' is a different person, that you might not like.

Doubt it but it is possible.

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