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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 15:29

If he comes to mine for an evening in he won't stay on a weeknight

If you invest more into the relationship than he does, you're likely to end up feeling resentful. Step back. He doesn't like you enough to suffer the inconvenience of having to drive home in rush hour to work next day, after staying at yours midweek.

If the compromising is all one way, then they're not really compromises. It's one person doing whatever suits them and the other person tying themselves in knots to fit in around them.

If you don't want to be in a relationship that's one sided long term, then don't start doing it now. Hold out for something that works for you, with someone who's willing to meet you halfway on issues. If this relationship fizzles out when you take that approach, then it wasn't meant to be.

TheBullfinch · 04/08/2021 15:31

Have you ever spent any significant time together? Holidays for example? Does he disappear a lot? Maybe he's just not good at intimacy.

liveforsummer · 04/08/2021 15:33

See what happens when he comes to yours . Surely you don't need to go out? you could invite him to yours for a meal and wine, let him see what the morning commute is like or at least let him do his share of it

HereticFanjo · 04/08/2021 15:35

He isn't a partner, he's a boyfriend. There's a difference.

I remember my DH bought me a computer to use at his house when we had been dating 8 months or so because I didn't have a laptop at the time, just a desktop in my own house. He was already thinking about how to make life easier for me. That's a partner, not someone who chases you out the door first thing next morning.

There's nothing wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend btw but I wouldn't think of him as a partner. How long have you been together? He is laying down a boundary to show you he's not ready to make things too serious just yet and that's his right - but you have to be sure you are on the same page.

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:35

@caughtinanet it's not about women't right at all. That example was to show how changes in society require changes in relationships standards.

Women working WAS a change in society. Offices becoming redundant IS a change in society. It has nothing to do with sex/feminism but how SOCIETY changes. It's an example of another workplace development that impacted personal relationships.

If we live in a world where wfh is the norm, then do you really think that being with someone who can live with a partner and wfh is not important? Or do we envisage that couples will now live separately to accomodate each wfh separately. Just like ALL humans had to adjust to a world where both sexes worked, nucleur families became the norm, children got used to both parents working, using the internet became the norm, travelling long distances for work became more common, wfh is something we do all have to adjust to. Some will adjust better than others.

And yes, it is his house, but he is also being assessed in his relationship on long term compatiblity. And his current gf has rightly picked up on the fact that he is not someone who can live and wfh with a partner. So unless she wants to live separately her whole life, he's not a good bet.

AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 15:35

Is the reason for needing two busses home because you're drinking on these midweek nights out? If so, stay sober, then you can drive home or if you don't drive, use the money you've saved for a taxi instead. As a side effect you'll get to see if you really do like each other as people, or if you just like going out getting pissed and having sex and it's a relationship of convenience.

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 15:36

@Acey68

The weekends he is happy for me to stay, but sort of similar in the fact that he leaves to go to the gym at around 9am on a Saturday and Sunday and I know he prefers me to leave with him, unless we have specific plans together that day. However, if I express that I fancy a lie in / lazy morning he will let me stay while he heads off for an hour or so.
This isn’t a work thing, it’s him liking his own space. Perfectly fair enough.

It also sounds like you want more from him than he does from you. Does he think you want to move into his house?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:38

Sounds awful but someone's got to say it...he doesn't want you there.

If he wanted you there more he'd ask you. If you have to ask to stay more and practically kicks you out the door then you don't want the same things.

What are people or not OP not getting about this?

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 15:38

How long have you been dating @Acey68

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 15:41

@Thatsjustwhatithink

Sounds awful but someone's got to say it...he doesn't want you there.

If he wanted you there more he'd ask you. If you have to ask to stay more and practically kicks you out the door then you don't want the same things.

What are people or not OP not getting about this?

I completely agree. It's so obvious. He wants a shag buddy and every single thing has to be on his terms. He has no interest in a real relationship.
Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:41

It does kind of read like your trying to stealth move into his house

icedcoffees · 04/08/2021 15:45

@Acey68

The weekends he is happy for me to stay, but sort of similar in the fact that he leaves to go to the gym at around 9am on a Saturday and Sunday and I know he prefers me to leave with him, unless we have specific plans together that day. However, if I express that I fancy a lie in / lazy morning he will let me stay while he heads off for an hour or so.
It's pretty clear that he's not at the same stage of the relationship as you are.

He's happy for you to stay over and have dinner/share his bed, but he doesn't want you hanging out at his house all weekend (especially when he's not there) and he doesn't want you to work there all week either.

You've not said how long you've been together but to me it does kind of read like you're moving into his house by stealth, tbh. You seem to want to work there all week and hang around all weekend too.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 15:46

I hate husband been in when I am wfh it's because you need a clear head to focus and work abd home are different. Get him to sleep at yours instead

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 15:46

I don’t know that we have enough information to say that all he wants is a shag buddy, but it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t want OP moving in by stealth.

That’s totally fair enough from his pov -they might not have even been together very long. He might love loving alone and not want someone else there. It’s fine to want a girlfriend but not want them to move into your house.

PinkTonic · 04/08/2021 15:46

You are being too accommodating. Don’t go for drinks in town in the week as it means you either have two buses home or a rush in the morning. It’s easy for him, it doesn’t suit you. In the week if he wants to see you he come to you. At the weekend drinks in town and stay over if he’s not going to drag you out of bed at the crack of dawn to go to the gym. Set out your boundaries. You’ll soon know how keen he is.

PercyPigAndMe · 04/08/2021 15:46

It's clear he's not as far along in this relationship as you are. You sound just a teeny bit like you're trying to move in by stealth. Just a little. He's keen to put the brakes on it appears with setting some boundaries for you

The easy answer is to stop pushing him on this.

Strawberrryfields · 04/08/2021 15:47

His approach does seem very rigid, can totally understand you feeling put out at the lack of compromise. I think you need an honest chat to explain your perspective and see if there’s anything more to it from his side e.g. he sees this as ‘getting serious’ and isn’t up for it.

Also, maybe being overly suspicious but could he be hiding anything? Such as a different job to what he’s told you etc.? Just a thought!

rattlemehearties · 04/08/2021 15:47

He really has it made doesn't he! You stay over regularly and he doesn't have to bother making the trek to yours, ever by the sound of it! Time to reconsider everything really

AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 15:49

@Conkergame

All these people saying they can’t possibly work with someone else in the house (in a different room, with doors shut! Confused) - how on earth did you cope before the pandemic when most people were in busy offices?!
For me its an issue of intimacy. I'm fine with random friends dropping by unexpectedly, I'm fine with sleepovers. But when I've got guests I'm in guest-mode. I can't relax and get into work-mode knowing there is someone else in my home wandering around treating it as if they live there, when they don't. If I answer the door to visitors then I take a break from working, when I'm back to work the visitors leave. If I don't want to break/can't break then I don't answer the door. If I lived with someone I'd be fine with us both WFH.
Original poster
Acey68 · 04/08/2021 15:51

I've bought my own place only recently (was in the process of looking when we met a year ago and bought shortly after we met) so definitely not trying to stealth move in.

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 15:51

I can see his POV.

I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months.

If we meet up in the week and I stay at his I have to fuck off early to get home to work. Which is fine by me.

Weekends he is more than more welcome to stay here but I want him fucking off by about 11am.

I don’t want him moving in at this stage - and I don’t want him hanging around when I’ve work to do.

It really depends on how long they’ve been together, what stage the relationship is at.

He’s described as a boyfriend by the op - so I’d say it’s not serious?

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:51

Just had a chat with a friend and we've both totally confused by this.

You've said "can I stay here in your house where I don't live when you go to the gym?"
Him "no"

You "Can I stay at the weekend?"
Him "no"

You "can I work from your house where I don't live?"
Him "no"

You "do you want to stay at mine during the week even though you've said you don't want to"
Him "no"

If I was the bloke I'd be running a mile...and changing the locks.

Throwntothewolves · 04/08/2021 15:53

It's up to him really as it's his house, though I can see why you're put out. Either accept that if you stay over you have to leave early when he's working , or don't stay over during the week. He probably associates you with his down time and having fun, and he may find it hard to work with you around, no matter how quiet you are, he clearly thinks your presence is a distraction.

I would feel the same as him if I had any choice, but as I'm married with a family I just have to shut the spare room door if I need privacy or peace and quietwhen I'm working. Otherwise I've got someone asking me things, or just generally being noisy constantly. I love it when school is in and DH is at work and I can actually work uninterrupted for a change

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 15:56

If you’re sleeping over midweek, do you really bring your work laptop?! It does feel like you want to be moving into his, even if you say otherwise.

I’d stop sleeping over in the week-just see him for the evenings and weekends.

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:57

@Thatsjustwhatithink

Just had a chat with a friend and we've both totally confused by this.

You've said "can I stay here in your house where I don't live when you go to the gym?"
Him "no"

You "Can I stay at the weekend?"
Him "no"

You "can I work from your house where I don't live?"
Him "no"

You "do you want to stay at mine during the week even though you've said you don't want to"
Him "no"

If I was the bloke I'd be running a mile...and changing the locks.

Huh? So you've never stayed at a bf's house during the weekend, and when they need to gym/do chores whatever, you've run back home then back again? Surely it's very normal to come over for a weekend, and when he needs to gym (but you don't), you stay over while he's off.

And you think it's normal to not spend weekends with a bf? What sort of relationships have you had??

They've been together a year. She owns her own home. Let's stop treating the OP like she's some desperate, homeless parasite.

OP, given how little effort he's making with you - I'd bin him off. After a year, he should be comfortable hosting you in his space. I can assure you there are many many many men who would be.

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