AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

[Acey68]

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

I mean this very kindly, speaking as someone who wasted far too much of her life analysing men's weird behaviour.

He's just not that into you.

Ditch him and find someone that is! (Btw, the book changed my entire approach to relationships and I literally never had any of this sort of crap again!!)

I love DH but when I need to concemtrate I always swnd him somewhere if he is here. Sometimes it's a ridiculous stuff which can be only bought on the other side of a city. I think he knows😂
We've lived together for over a decade and I just fins him distracting by just being here. It feels awkward and I want chat etc.
"when are you going to the gym? Soon? Like now?" is vwry common aentencw here. Once I sent him to work hour early

[quote pootleforPM]@Rubytoos a large part of it was this kind of behaviour! e.g.

Him: I'll pop in for a cuppa after work (I would have seen him the night before, or in the morning)
Me: Not tonight, I'm just having a quiet night in
Him: But I'm in the area anyway and I won't stay long
Me: I've had a long hard day at work I don't fancy company tonight thank you though
Him: But I'll cheer you up! I'll bring biscuits! I really want to see you
Me: I saw you this morning, it's been like 12 hours! Can we leave it til tomorrow/later in the week please?
Him: well I just thought it would be nice, we could just watch tv or something. Do you want to meet me for breakfast tomorrow then?

This was the pattern in most of our interactions - I found it really suffocating and dumped him in the end, it was just too much. Not saying that OP is clingy like this at all, just that there may be a difference in how they both perceive the relationship in terms of seriousness which may be impacting why he doesn't seem to want OP there other than at their 'dating' times.[/quote]
I really get this. I've had ex's that haven't read the signals or listened to the actual words I was saying.

The OPs situation is much clearer than signals. He's said no to increased contact. He's said no to her stealth spending extra time at his house 'wfh' and he's said no to the OP being in his house when's he's not there when at the gym. It couldn't be any clearer.

To the posters asking if she wants to move in or sees this as a long term thing I'm genuinely baffled. Both individuals need to want to increase their commitment to each other not one deciding to push it. There's no inclination on his side.

It all up to the OP, she can stay or leave.

I think he’s being unreasonable. What’s the issue? He won’t be able to hear you upstairs if you both have doors shut… unless he’s lying to you about what he does for job?!

Yes I'm wondering if we just have a very different view to relationships and what we want from them.
In my past relationships, at this stage it was usually an assumption that if we both wake up together on a Saturday or Sunday morning, with neither of us having any plans or significant to do we would just spend it together. Even if that is just chilling, popping to the shops etc. (That may involve one of us popping to the gym and then coming back and that not being a problem).
This relationship is different in the sense that everything has to be planned and is quite rigid, which I'm not used to. In fact, me of his most regularly used phrases is 'but we haven't planned that'.

@gamerchick

Stop staying at his and don't contemplate moving in together any time soon. I get the impression this is just the tip of his iceberg.

Yup - he sounds like an arse.

Really surprised at posters saying OP looks like she's trying to move in by stealth, or the comment that he should run away and change the locks. I really don't see the OP as being unreasonable in feeling that at this stage it's strange to be booted out early every weekend or that he wouldn't help make her life easier when she had builders in.

@Acey68

He just says ' I just prefer to work when you're not in the house'

Why don’t you want to respect his decision?

@Acey68

Yes I'm wondering if we just have a very different view to relationships and what we want from them. In my past relationships, at this stage it was usually an assumption that if we both wake up together on a Saturday or Sunday morning, with neither of us having any plans or significant to do we would just spend it together. Even if that is just chilling, popping to the shops etc. (That may involve one of us popping to the gym and then coming back and that not being a problem). This relationship is different in the sense that everything has to be planned and is quite rigid, which I'm not used to. In fact, me of his most regularly used phrases is 'but we haven't planned that'.

I'd just step back OP, it doesn't sound like he's fussed and he's actively saying no.

Perhaps be more aware of his boundaries and you may get a different response? Or bin it if it's not working.

But I think it's unfair to keep doing what your doing. It actually takes a lot to say no...

@Moiraroseswigs

Really surprised at posters saying OP looks like she's trying to move in by stealth, or the comment that he should run away and change the locks. I really don't see the OP as being unreasonable in feeling that at this stage it's strange to be booted out early every weekend or that he wouldn't help make her life easier when she had builders in.

It's not like she's being booted out for no reason, though.

He doesn't want her working in his house several times a week, or hanging around there while he's out at the gym - I don't think either of those decisions make him unreasonable.

Some people are happy to spend more time together than others - personally if I was working I'd not want my partner hanging about my house all day. I'd get distracted and would feel guilty that I was busy and they were (potentially) wanting my company when I wasn't available.

I also wouldn't want them there while I was out if we didn't live together.

As far as staying when he has to work I think 'his house, his rules' prevails regardless of why he feels that way. If he wants to work in an empty house, so be it. Frankly, I'd feel the same way.

As far as the weekend it sounds as if he 'prefers' that you not be alone in his house and/or not stay at his if you don't have 'specific' plans (ie, no 'lazy days' just lolling around together).

I have a friend sort like this. She likes a lot of 'me time' and cherishes her privacy. She's this way because she doesn't want to truly 'commit' to a relationship. She refers to it as 'exclusive, but not committed' in that she wouldn't sleep with or 'date' anyone else but she also doesn't want to 'intertwine' her life with anyone else's. But she's perfectly honest about it as far as making it clear that she doesn't want to live with someone nor will she ever marry again.

I think if you're planning a future with this guy you probably need to take a huge mental step back. And then have an honest talk at an appropriate time as to where he sees your relationship going. Then decide if you can be happy with what he has to offer.

Won't stay over yours during the week. Wants you gone asap after sex/when you wake up. Doesn't want you working at his place, doesn't even really want you there.

'Things that make you go hmmmmm' (sorry, only heard that C + C Music Factory 90s song yesterday and it's ear-wormed itself into me): ...... ie other woman.

@Moiraroseswigs

Really surprised at posters saying OP looks like she's trying to move in by stealth, or the comment that he should run away and change the locks. I really don't see the OP as being unreasonable in feeling that at this stage it's strange to be booted out early every weekend or that he wouldn't help make her life easier when she had builders in.

She's not unreasonable to think it's strange. She's unreasonable not to respect his right to be strange. He can be how he likes. If she doesn't like it she can choose not to be in a relationship with him. Constantly hassling him to be something he's not would be unfair. I know OP isn't doing that in a big way, I don't think she's trying to move in by stealth. She's come on here to moan about him instead and get some perspective, which is fine.

@icedcoffees has it right.

If I won't let someone stay in my house when I'm not there it's because I don't trust them. Or care enough to build that trust.

The OP isn't listening to the 'boyfriend'. Truthfully I quite respect his refusal to be guilted into her staying at his house more than he wants. It's clear and no one is being led on.

I've read all ypur posts i honestly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like this...

Is this really what you want? Someone who can't wait for you to shove off???

You already know the answer. He doesn't stay at yours on a weeknight because he doesn't want to do the commute in the morning to work from home. You need to make the same decision for yourself: stop staying at his on weeknights.

Also sounds like you need to have a really serious think about the relationship and if it's actually going anywhere. Because if he can't cope if you're in the same building when he's 'working', then you are a long way off potentially of living together/getting married and living together, especially if working from home becomes a permanent thing for either/both of you.

Just stop staying at his house, if he wants to see you midweek he knows where you live, if he wants to hang out at the weekend but go to the gym early mornings he can go to the gym from your house. You will soon find out how much he values time with you.

Stop staying at his house. He sounds like hard work and you have to decide if you’re happy with rigidity for the rest of your life if you stay with him

[quote pootleforPM]@Rubytoos a large part of it was this kind of behaviour! e.g.

Him: I'll pop in for a cuppa after work (I would have seen him the night before, or in the morning)
Me: Not tonight, I'm just having a quiet night in
Him: But I'm in the area anyway and I won't stay long
Me: I've had a long hard day at work I don't fancy company tonight thank you though
Him: But I'll cheer you up! I'll bring biscuits! I really want to see you
Me: I saw you this morning, it's been like 12 hours! Can we leave it til tomorrow/later in the week please?
Him: well I just thought it would be nice, we could just watch tv or something. Do you want to meet me for breakfast tomorrow then?

This was the pattern in most of our interactions - I found it really suffocating and dumped him in the end, it was just too much. Not saying that OP is clingy like this at all, just that there may be a difference in how they both perceive the relationship in terms of seriousness which may be impacting why he doesn't seem to want OP there other than at their 'dating' times.[/quote]

So glad to see you ended this..

it was distressing just reading it.. so horribly suffocating 🌸

reading between the lines ...

he makes NO effort to see you.. you seem to be doing all the running 😳

that's not right 🌸

I'm sorry lovely, but he's Not That Into You. Work boundaries (which I can understand) aside, what clinches it is the champing at the bit to get you out of his house AT 9 AM ON THE WEEKEND so he can go to the gym. No sexy lie-ins? Coffee in bed together? Literally any indication he would like to spend time with you? This sounds more like a long-standing booty call. What's your communication like when you're not together?

I’d feel strange if I was wfh and so was my partner in my home if they didn’t live with me . It’s kind of crossing a line

Stop staying over at his for a booty call 🥕
It’s inconvenient.

I have lived alone quite happily for a few years now and I can't imagine changing that anytime soon and as a result I have become quite inflexible. But the moment I have someone over that I like the company of, then all of that rigidity disappears.

This relationship is different in the sense that everything has to be planned and is quite rigid, which I'm not used to. In fact, me of his most regularly used phrases is 'but we haven't planned that'.

He's rigid because he's selfish, self-absorbed, and completely unwilling to compromise. It's his way or the highway, and your needs or feelings just don't fucking matter.

Come on, op. Raise your standards for how you demand to be treated. This man genuinely doesn't give a fuck.