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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 04/08/2021 15:11

The issue is you don't live there. Those sorts of compromises are for when you have to because you're living together.

If you don't want to rush, don't want to be hassled to leave ASAP when you wake, then get up earlier and leave before the traffic gets bad. Or don't stay over, that would make your life easier as well. How much do you want an easy life versus how much do you want to be in a relationship where you regularly stay over?

Does he leave yours to go home to work or does he take the piss and hang around all day drinking your tea and using your electric? Even if you've told him he can stay and work at yours, it still doesn't mean he has to do the same for you. The difference would be because you don't mind him being there, whereas he does mind you being there.

Moiraroseswigs · 04/08/2021 15:12

While I agree with people who are saying that maybe he just can't work effectively with you there and that's fair enough, I think asking a partner for a favour when I had builders in and him saying no would have still bothered me a bit.

However I think what's most important is a discussion about what the long term plan is. Are you both likely to continue WFH long term and if so, how is it going to work if you move in together.

Conkergame · 04/08/2021 15:12

All these people saying they can’t possibly work with someone else in the house (in a different room, with doors shut! Confused) - how on earth did you cope before the pandemic when most people were in busy offices?!

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 15:14

@Conkergame

All these people saying they can’t possibly work with someone else in the house (in a different room, with doors shut! Confused) - how on earth did you cope before the pandemic when most people were in busy offices?!
I worked when my kids were at school or in the wee small hours of the morning. I’m beyond crap at working when someone - anyone - is in the house.

Office is different somehow (and it’s a long time since I worked in an office). It’s because this is my “home” space.

It’s just different. Ideally I’d have a local office to go to to work from, but I have to make the best of what I have.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:14

[quote todaysdilemma]@caughtinanet Relationships need to adapt to the times. In the 50s it would be unheard of to dump a man who didn't want you working, and who didn't pull his weight at home. Because that's just how men were and society was. Now it's a perfectly good reason to LTB.

We live in a world where wfh is becoming a norm. I have worked in primarily large multi biillion £ global companies, and for years they have been pushing people to spend 2-3 days wfh so they can get rid of office real estate, move to smaller spaces and hot desking. So yes, for relationships in the 2020s, this is a pretty important requirement for any relationship that if you do office jobs, you have to be able to wfh together.[/quote]
But only if both partners want the relationship to move forward. He doesn't want her there when's he working. Totally up to him.

Chloemol · 04/08/2021 15:14

I wouldn’t be staying over, simple as that

Lweji · 04/08/2021 15:14

It looks like you are having most of the hassle.
You go for a drink in his town. You have to leave early in the morning because he won't compromise. He won't go to yours during the week.

What happens on the weekend?

TBH, I'd be rethinking the whole relationship. On the short term, I would refuse to stay at his in the night before a work day. Not even sure I'd go to town to meet him either.

princesslarmadrama · 04/08/2021 15:15

I agree with your partner. I work better on my own and prefer house to myself. Maybe don't stay over when your both working the next day.

Jarnss · 04/08/2021 15:18

Pfft, he wants you there for a shag an then out the next morning.

Get a taxi home, OP. Don't bother staying. Yes, go out with him and have a good time but when it's home time, get a taxi home.

He sounds like a right tosser tbh.

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 15:18

Are you staying there more than he wants you to?

icedcoffees · 04/08/2021 15:18

It's amazing how all these people who worked perfectly well in offices now suddenly can't cope with one person being totally quiet in a different part of the house

Lots of people didn't work perfectly well in the office, though - many struggled. I used to read loads of threads on here about people struggling with people gossiping, listening to music, wanting the heating on/off, wanting the AC on/off etc.

I also think it's a bit different to be surrounded by colleagues than it is to be with your partner.

thecatsthecats · 04/08/2021 15:19

My husband and I have rubbed along really well as "coworkers" the past year, but I'd be firmly against working together if we could avoid it.

He was unable to concentrate at all this morning, because I was having an interview, and he really wanted me to do well. And I can't wait for him to leave for a night out on Saturday.

I don't think there's anything wrong in what he wants.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/08/2021 15:20

  1. Ask him to explain his reasons more fully, not because he owes you an explanation but because you'd like to understand and you don't.

  2. Working in the same place is different from living in the same place. Discuss the similarities and differences with him. Can you identify any instances between you, when the different things you want to do at home, at the same time, might be incompatible or cause tension?

  3. You don't have to stay at his during the week. I would not do it. He comes to yours (can he / does he work there?), or you see each other at weekends only.

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:24

@Thatsjustwhatithink Yes, his prerogative. And hers to consider it a deal breaker (just like how much someone is willing to split chores, or is compatible with finances). This might have seemed like a daft reason even 5 years ago - but now in a world where wfh is such a part of our fabric, it is an important consideration. Unless they both want to live separately for the rest of their lives. Relationships are about how well you can merge lives together, if you can't, what's the point. He won't magically change one day if they get more serious and move in together.

Also someone so particular about their work environment will be very particular about other areas of their life too.

Original poster
Acey68 · 04/08/2021 15:25

The weekends he is happy for me to stay, but sort of similar in the fact that he leaves to go to the gym at around 9am on a Saturday and Sunday and I know he prefers me to leave with him, unless we have specific plans together that day. However, if I express that I fancy a lie in / lazy morning he will let me stay while he heads off for an hour or so.

OP posts:
Happycow37 · 04/08/2021 15:25

I don’t work as such but I’m currently studying for a degree and I absolutely cannot study or write essays when my partner is in. He works away a lot so it’s not too bad but when he’s here I find myself procrastinating endlessly and then having to stay up all night when he’s in bed to get stuff done. I work best at night anyway but I would prefer to be studying or working after dinner, not waiting for him to go to bed at 10/11pm so I can start.

It seems a few people on this thread are the same but I would just ask him straight out.

caughtinanet · 04/08/2021 15:26

[quote todaysdilemma]@caughtinanet Relationships need to adapt to the times. In the 50s it would be unheard of to dump a man who didn't want you working, and who didn't pull his weight at home. Because that's just how men were and society was. Now it's a perfectly good reason to LTB.

We live in a world where wfh is becoming a norm. I have worked in primarily large multi biillion £ global companies, and for years they have been pushing people to spend 2-3 days wfh so they can get rid of office real estate, move to smaller spaces and hot desking. So yes, for relationships in the 2020s, this is a pretty important requirement for any relationship that if you do office jobs, you have to be able to wfh together.[/quote]
Those aren't equivalent examples, it's not an issue of women's rights or equal treatment.

If the situation had been posted from the other side would you tell someone to do a poor job because their partner wouldn't go home before the start of the work day? That's a genuine question, why should the person whose house it is feel they can't do their job properly?

TatianaBis · 04/08/2021 15:27

@Conkergame

All these people saying they can’t possibly work with someone else in the house (in a different room, with doors shut! Confused) - how on earth did you cope before the pandemic when most people were in busy offices?!
Quite.

I WFH with 3 kids and a DH around.

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:27

OP, that doesn't surprise me. Has he ever lived with a long term gf? He seems very set in his ways/routines - if you ever did live with him, he sounds like he'd struggle to compromise with your ways/routines without a lot of hard work from you.

Bulbulousmaximus · 04/08/2021 15:27

He sounds unsuited to community life and taking the rough with the smooth. He's allowed to be that way now, but he's showing himself to be a poor choice of partner because you are clearly an accessory to his life, not a human being he will put himself out for in any way.

TatianaBis · 04/08/2021 15:28

The whole thing is very odd OP, and I would question if he can cope with a proper adult relationship.

It rather puts the kybosh on your living together.

Lweji · 04/08/2021 15:28

He sounds very generous. Grin

Does he ever stay at yours? Does he also leave early in the morning to go to the gym?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 15:28

Everyone has their own opinion, and mine is that this doesn't bode well at all. He's more than happy to have you around for a shag, but then kicks you out the door the next morning when his fun is over. He can't manage to handle you being there for a couple of hours one day a week? Really? He knows it would save you from dealing with awful traffic and he doesn't even care. He hasn't even bothered to try. What a prince.

TatianaBis · 04/08/2021 15:28

@Happycow37

I don’t work as such but I’m currently studying for a degree and I absolutely cannot study or write essays when my partner is in. He works away a lot so it’s not too bad but when he’s here I find myself procrastinating endlessly and then having to stay up all night when he’s in bed to get stuff done. I work best at night anyway but I would prefer to be studying or working after dinner, not waiting for him to go to bed at 10/11pm so I can start.

It seems a few people on this thread are the same but I would just ask him straight out.

Do you study in the library at your uni?
Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 15:28

[quote todaysdilemma]@Thatsjustwhatithink Yes, his prerogative. And hers to consider it a deal breaker (just like how much someone is willing to split chores, or is compatible with finances). This might have seemed like a daft reason even 5 years ago - but now in a world where wfh is such a part of our fabric, it is an important consideration. Unless they both want to live separately for the rest of their lives. Relationships are about how well you can merge lives together, if you can't, what's the point. He won't magically change one day if they get more serious and move in together.

Also someone so particular about their work environment will be very particular about other areas of their life too.[/quote]
I’m so not particular it’s not true. I’m easy going and laid back, honestly. I just can’t work with someone in the house.