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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Blindleadingtheblind · 04/08/2021 14:46

I dont have a job which allows me to wfh, but on the rare occasion I do check emails from home I find it really difficult to concentrate (I have young kids though). I can imagine it would be made worse by having someone else in the house. Maybe that's how he feels.

caughtinanet · 04/08/2021 14:47

@Conkergame

I would be annoyed with this OP. DH and I have both been working full time from home during the pandemic and it’s totally possible for both of us to get work done as we’re in different rooms. For a while we had to share a room whilst we had work done - it was distracting but we managed it ok for 4 weeks!

I wouldn’t stay at his on week nights any more if I were you.

Not everyone is the same as you though.

Unless the man is a wanker for the sake of it and the OP hasn't mentioned that it's pretty safe to assume that he doesn't find he can do his job effectively with another person in the house.

He can't change simply because you managed to do it. What about things you can't do that other people can? Are you somehow lacking? Of course not, we're all made differently

girlmom21 · 04/08/2021 14:48

I've lived with DP for 5 years. We have a really good relationship, one child, second on the way etc etc.

I absolutely hate working from home when he's there. I can't concentrate as well even when one of us is upstairs and the other downstairs.

Just stop staying over in the week if the journey home is an issue.

SheABitSpicyToday · 04/08/2021 14:48

I can’t do anything with my husband in the house as I just want to spend my time with him. Might not be you OP. My husband never distracted me and always hid away but I knew he was there when I was working from home and would procrastinate and seek him out. He’d have to go out if I had important stuff to do!

purplecorkheart · 04/08/2021 14:51

Does he live on his own or is in a house share? What is his wifi like? Where I live lots of people are wfh and although my wifi is a super good package it can get very slow if other people in the house are zooming etc. Also what is the soundproofing in the house like? I had to phone a business recently and they were working from home. I could here their housemate on a Zoom meeting because the house had awful soundproofing (it made for one confusing phonecall!)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/08/2021 14:52

What's the long term plan if you ever move in together? Has he never worked in an office with other people? If he struggles to concentrate with you in the house then I think he just needs to try a bit harder to be honest, it's not impossible it's just a preference. Otherwise I'd be telling him I was going home in the evening rather than stuck in rush hour traffic

maddening · 04/08/2021 14:52

If you are wfh I would stay at yours and kick him out in the morning as he does you.

queenMab99 · 04/08/2021 14:55

It is his house, he doesn't want you to stay and work, I think it would be pushy of you to keep asking. He has said no, accept it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2021 14:57

I wouldn’t stay at his in the week in these circumstances. Yes, he’s within his rights to want to be alone to work, but I wouldn’t be having someone kick me out of the door in the mornings. I’d just not stay in the week. If that also meant not going out in town, or him coming to yours, then fine.

Original poster

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:58

Yes he worked in an office previously, but now his job is entirely home based.
He lives in a 2 bed house alone and works downstairs in the kitchen with the door shut. I can understand how it could be distracting, maybe knowing someone else is in the house. However, if roles were reversed he was travelling to see me in my part of town and it meant I could spend the night with him I wouldn't think twice about letting him which I guess is where I find it hard to understand.

OP posts:

NOTANUM · 04/08/2021 14:58

Unless he's a spy or someone who is in classified or confidential discussions all day long, I think this is pretty strange.
Are you "allowed" to stay around at the weekend?
I'd be questioning the whole relationship to be honest.

Neondisco · 04/08/2021 15:00

Sorry I think this is really odd. Will he also not stay over at your house op?

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 15:02

Don't stay over at his on a week night.

Hankunamatata · 04/08/2021 15:03

I would struggle to work with someone else in the house. I'm super easily distracted

icedcoffees · 04/08/2021 15:04

I don't think he's unreasonable either.

You could always stay the night and go home the next morning, surely?

BendingSpoons · 04/08/2021 15:04

It doesn't bode that well for the future. What happens if you want to live together? I wfh some of the time and DH is at home looking after toddler DS. I'd love to be home alone but I have to adjust. If he can't adjust, you can't ever live together surely! Unless he is worried it is too early in your relationship.

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2021 15:06

It's amazing how all these people who worked perfectly well in offices now suddenly can't cope with one person being totally quiet in a different part of the house

OP he sounds very rigid and a bit unkind and this would make me think he'd not be very pleasant to live with

How long have you been together?

caughtinanet · 04/08/2021 15:07

@NOTANUM

Unless he's a spy or someone who is in classified or confidential discussions all day long, I think this is pretty strange. Are you "allowed" to stay around at the weekend? I'd be questioning the whole relationship to be honest.

You'd question the whole relationship because one person can't work with anyone else in the house?

That's a bit extreme surely, if covid hadn't happened and no one worked at home they could have celebrated 50 years of marriage without ever knowing that they couldn't WFH together

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:07

Well given wfh is becoming more prevalent and he might have ocassions where he needs to do it even in a post Covid world - what is he going to do? You move in together, and he kicks you out on the days he needs to wfh? You have kids and he kicks them out the days he needs to wfh? Good thing you weren't living together when Covid hit or he prob would have broken up with you!

I can't understand if it's just sharing one small bedroom in a flatshare, very different if he has DIFFERENT FLOORS! Tbh I wouldn't see this as a long term relationship. Part of compatbility is someone who can accomodate a partner into their lives. He might be a lovely person, but clearly someone who cannot adjust to having a partner around full time. I would imagine he'd be very particular about a lot of other things in his life you couldn't be a part of - and would hate having children/partner in his space all the time.

It would be a red flag/relationship breaker for me as there's PLENTY of people who can wfh with their partners when they have the space.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 15:08

He prefers working alone, and if you were in an office you'd have to get up at that time, not do a few hours, then go out for a bit, then start again, as you'd like to do working some of the day a5 his, and some at home. He obviously doesn't like having someone else in the house during the day. If the travelling bothers you, don't go there during the week

Datingandnoideahowto · 04/08/2021 15:08

@dreamingbohemian

It's amazing how all these people who worked perfectly well in offices now suddenly can't cope with one person being totally quiet in a different part of the house

OP he sounds very rigid and a bit unkind and this would make me think he'd not be very pleasant to live with

How long have you been together?

I haven’t worked in an office for over 6 years and I’m super easily distracted. Even having my DC here has me tearing my hair out.

Maddison12 · 04/08/2021 15:11

Do you think you're more into him than he is you? I think it's very rude to say "are you leaving soon?" Especially when they've just woken up, don't think I'd go back after that tbh.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 04/08/2021 15:11

The reality is that your relationship is not in a place where he sees you living together yet. This isn't a red flag you're just not there yet. Other posters have talked about their husbands or live in partners but this doesn't really apply to your relationship.

It's his house so you don't really have a choice.

todaysdilemma · 04/08/2021 15:11

@caughtinanet Relationships need to adapt to the times. In the 50s it would be unheard of to dump a man who didn't want you working, and who didn't pull his weight at home. Because that's just how men were and society was. Now it's a perfectly good reason to LTB.

We live in a world where wfh is becoming a norm. I have worked in primarily large multi biillion £ global companies, and for years they have been pushing people to spend 2-3 days wfh so they can get rid of office real estate, move to smaller spaces and hot desking. So yes, for relationships in the 2020s, this is a pretty important requirement for any relationship that if you do office jobs, you have to be able to wfh together.

Aprilx · 04/08/2021 15:11

I wouldn’t take his stance on this, but I can understand that somebody else might need their work environment in a particular way, e.g. maybe he has calls to make in the morning and would be self conscious doing those in front of somebody else. DH has worked at home since last year and I know he would hate to do a call in front of me.

In normal time I would presume you would be going to work in rush hour and at that time of day so I don’t think it is a really big deal. Still if you don’t like it then don’t stay over during the week.

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