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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question whether I should pay half these costs?

179 replies

TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:12

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2021 23:14

Why are your saving separate? Absolutely don’t use up all of yours on this! Madness.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2021 23:14

That's crazy. You've been together for 20 years and don't have shared finances? He has 20 x the amount of savings you do and still he wants you to share costs?

Ugh, I would've lost all respect for him. Maybe he should get a short sharp shock from a divorce lawyer. Does he not realise that marriage is a legal partnership?

MathsFiend · 03/08/2021 23:16

DH should pay for it all out of his savings, and look to equalise the rest of the savings between you. He sounds like a dick.

HeckyPeck · 03/08/2021 23:17

I wouldn't pay anything at all if he has 20x the amount of saving you do! (Assuming you don't have an equal amount of spare money and you choose to spend yours on luxury items while he saves)

I would also take a moment to re-evaluate finances. It doesn't sound equal at all at the moment.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2021 23:18

Your husband is taking the piss. Do not agree to this.

LockdownLisa · 03/08/2021 23:20

How come he has so much more money saved than you? What happens/happened with the mortgage repayments? Did you pay 1/3 and him 2/3?

Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:20

We have always had separate finances. Generally, I’m fine with this. We were together for ten years before we married, we don’t have children, have exactly the same salary, and all his savings are from inheritances. My problem is with him expecting me to share half the costs on what is mainly his house.

OP posts:
smalalalalalala · 03/08/2021 23:21

If you both earn the same, why does he have so much more savings?

Wtfdoipick · 03/08/2021 23:21

It's not mainly his house though it's the family home.

SD1978 · 03/08/2021 23:21

How does he own two thirds of the house, u less his deposit was two thirds? Tenants in common ring fences the deposit but not any future worth of the house. It's a bit tough as this conversation really should have been had before the building work started.

Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:22

@LockdownLisa

How come he has so much more money saved than you? What happens/happened with the mortgage repayments? Did you pay 1/3 and him 2/3?
We have always split the mortgage repayments 50/50 (we have two years left in it). The deposit paid for a third of the house purchase price, hence the two thirds share to him.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/08/2021 23:22

You'd be so much better off financially if you split up.

GCAcademic · 03/08/2021 23:23

@smalalalalalala

If you both earn the same, why does he have so much more savings?
The savings are inheritance money.
Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:27

Nearly all his savings are inheritance money.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 03/08/2021 23:28

Ye are married so all the house and all the savings belong to you both. My dh had a house and a very lucrative business when we married..loans on each . He put my name on both immediately and never mentioned it since 30 years later.
You should not have to think of this. There is something wrong.

Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:29

@Wtfdoipick

It's not mainly his house though it's the family home.
This is the problem. It is the family home (so part of me thinks I should pay half), but legally, it is mostly his.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:32

@SD1978

How does he own two thirds of the house, u less his deposit was two thirds? Tenants in common ring fences the deposit but not any future worth of the house. It's a bit tough as this conversation really should have been had before the building work started.
The agreement protected his contribution as a % if the house value, rather than the sum in £.
OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 03/08/2021 23:32

Not surprised you are uncomfortable with tenants in common agreement.
Imo marriage should mean everything is shared equally.
Have you been married 22 years or just together 22 years?
Yadnbu to just pay a third of costs.
But surely DH doesn't own two thirds of the house if you have been paying 50% of the mortgage and 50% of repairs etc?
Larger deposit was a one off, is it just deposit that was protected not equity in house? I would get legal advice on agreement and you need an open and honest discussion with DH.

edwinbear · 03/08/2021 23:35

So the costs are c.£20k, your 50% share is £10k and will wipe you out. He has 20x your savings i.e. £200k sat in the bank plus 2/3rds of the equity in the house. No, I’d not be handing over all my £10k savings. Would I fuck.

StoneofDestiny · 03/08/2021 23:39

Crikey - you are married. IMO everything should be held and shared jointly. Can't imagine having money separate like this. It's unnecessary complicating like you are now finding out and putting a division between people where none should be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2021 23:39

The agreement protected his contribution as a % if the house value, rather than the sum in £.

In which case you pay proportionately to your stake. One third.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2021 23:41

That's legally. Morally in my marriage the money and house would be in common. I paid the whole deposit for ours!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/08/2021 23:43

This is crazy. Even if you each have pots tokenistically in your own names that you save from your income surely it's all joint savings?

Due to various factors around how our bills are split DH ends up being the one who mostly puts more in savings accounts each month..... but he puts the same in my name as his! Its mad (and often tax inefficient) for one person to hold so much more in their name.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 23:46

As tenants in common, what would happen if one of you died to the other person's share of the house?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/08/2021 23:47

This is the problem. It is the family home (so part of me thinks I should pay half), but legally, it is mostly his.

Not really true if you are married. If you are married the family home is likely a matrimonial asset & considered jointly owned, even if he put in more of the money.