Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question whether I should pay half these costs?

179 replies

TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:12

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/08/2021 08:25

@TheGodofSmallThings

We have always had separate finances. Generally, I’m fine with this. We were together for ten years before we married, we don’t have children, have exactly the same salary, and all his savings are from inheritances. My problem is with him expecting me to share half the costs on what is mainly his house.
That's it then. That's what you present him with. If you're equal partners in the relationship, at this point you need to be equal stakeholders in the family home too. If he doesn't want you to be an equal stakeholder in the family home, you stay where you are and only contribute the 1/3 that you are a stakeholder in and nothing more.
clickychicky · 05/08/2021 08:51

You should pay according to the % of the house you own as long as he has given you opportunity to increase your earnings by offering to take on child care etc. If he wants you to pay half then he should make sure you now own half the house.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 08:52

Ah sorry missed you don't have children and have same salary. That makes it simpler. Pay according to your % ownership.

ThePants999 · 05/08/2021 08:56

Oh noooooo - why have you been paying 50% of the mortgage on a house you own 33% of? All costs should be split in proportion with ownership. I'd take this opportunity to push for the split to be re-evaluated in line with total spend over the years, not just the deposit.

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2021 08:57

Are the works essential? I wouldn’t dream of cleaning my savings out unless the house was falling down. I wouldn’t pay more than my ownership and suspect after thinking it through I wouldn’t pay a penny.

BillMasen · 05/08/2021 08:58

@MathsFiend

DH should pay for it all out of his savings, and look to equalise the rest of the savings between you. He sounds like a dick.
Really? They earn the same. Maybe she’s just spent all hers and he’s saved. Would you tell a woman who’s saved while her H spent to give him half? I doubt it
BillMasen · 05/08/2021 09:01

He’s done what every woman on here with inheritance is advised to do. Protect it. On MN a woman’s inheritance is always held to be something separate that she shouldn’t share.

He’s put done into the house, and protected that, and done in his personal savings. Nothing wrong with that (unless you’re a man apparently)

WaterBottle123 · 05/08/2021 09:06

@ThePants999

Oh noooooo - why have you been paying 50% of the mortgage on a house you own 33% of? All costs should be split in proportion with ownership. I'd take this opportunity to push for the split to be re-evaluated in line with total spend over the years, not just the deposit.
Exactly. Your husband has actually stolen from you making you pay half whilst not reflecting that in the ownership structure.

Time to get angry OP, very angry

Aprilx · 05/08/2021 09:10

It isn’t mainly his house, it is an asset of the marriage. So are all the savings, so it doesn’t matter who pays. I honestly wonder why some people get married if they still cannot share after twenty years.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/08/2021 09:15

No need to worry about care costs OP, the value of the house is ignored for the first half of the couple. You won't be required to remortgage or sell to release money if DH requires care first, likewise neither will he if it's you that needs care. The value is only looked at when the person needing care is the only resident of the property.

To be honest, if he has all the money and you have none, and his has come from inheritence rather than differences in spending patterns, he should be paying for improvements out of this. If you have no DC, what is he saving all the money for anyway? Did you not have the 'all that I have I share with you' as part of your marriage vows?

On the matter of house ownership, you should own more than a third of it if you have paid half the mortgage. After all this time, the deposit was probably a fairly trivial sum compared to the increase in equity in the last 20+ years. Half of that is yours.

spinningspaniels · 05/08/2021 09:19

I'm horribly crap with money, always have been. So we've always had separate bank and savings accounts. But when we bought our home, DH was the one working and I was a SAHM. He's paid the entire mortgage but the house is in both of our names - he just did it without any discussion.

OP I think you need to talk to someone in the legal area about this - you could end up falling short here.

GintyMcGinty · 05/08/2021 09:33

The whole financial set up is deeply wrong.

You are being taken fir a complete mug OP.

You really should get done legal advice.

onlyjustme · 05/08/2021 09:34

Maths aside, the house is a joint asset if you are married.
If the will was written before marriage it is now invalid... you need to get new ones done.
And you need to have a chat about the future and finances and draw up new wills to protect each other. IF you left what would you expect? If HE left what would you expect?
He needs to answer the same questions and you need to speak to a solicitor!
Equally if one of you dies... what would the other get? You need a new will.

KatherineSiena · 05/08/2021 09:40

Leaving aside the technicalities for a moment, what would your DH say if you simply said I just can’t afford these improvements? Have you actually said that?

Would he offer to cover your share, how would he react? As that would be very telling.

Partin · 05/08/2021 09:44

She isn’t paying 50% of the mortgage of the house whilst owning 33% though is she? She’s paying 50% of the bit that’s half hers which mathematically is fair, but I don’t think morally as it’s not factoring in house price increases.

I put more money into my house than my partner did but our agreement says if house is sold we both get our deposits back first then rest is spread equally. I think this is more fair than % because it means if house prices go up we both benefit equally. But we aren’t married and haven’t been together anywhere near as long! I would ask him if that agreement could be changed now. I’m sure it’ll only be a couple of hundred quid. Also if you don’t want to spend the money then don’t! Tell him you don’t want to wipe out your savings so he either pays more or delays it.

Polmuggle · 05/08/2021 09:47

How are his savings so much bigger if you earn the same?

vivainsomnia · 05/08/2021 09:49

On the information you provided, you should pay half. You have separate finances, earn similar, no children, and pay 50/50 for the mortgage.

If you were to divorce, you would be entitled to 50% regardless of the ownership of the house.

If he passes away, you are protected by his will.

You are therefore protected and the deeds don't matter.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 05/08/2021 09:53

You certainly don’t pay any more than a third. The house may be a 50/50 joint asset due to marriage, but so are all the savings. I wouldn’t be happy reducing my savings at all for work done on the house in these circumstances- what if you have dentists bills etc.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 05/08/2021 09:53

@Polmuggle

How are his savings so much bigger if you earn the same?
The OP said they are from inheritances.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/08/2021 09:54

Why on earth are you paying 50pc of the mortgage when you only own a third of it? Unless the deposit was a large chunk of the mortgage to begin with, you will have paid towards much more than a third of it

BarbaraofSeville · 05/08/2021 09:57

@vivainsomnia

On the information you provided, you should pay half. You have separate finances, earn similar, no children, and pay 50/50 for the mortgage.

If you were to divorce, you would be entitled to 50% regardless of the ownership of the house.

If he passes away, you are protected by his will.

You are therefore protected and the deeds don't matter.

By that logic, the OP is entitled to half of her DHs inheritences and if she had that money, she'd probably be perfectly happy to pay for half of the improvements, because she wouldn't be in the situation where they would wipe out most of her savings when his has been barely touched.
NoSquirrels · 05/08/2021 09:57

Regardless of who owns what percentage of the house (which, if you divorce can be contested anyway, and if you die it all goes to him, and if he dies it all goes to you, and is disregarded for care purposes if someone’s still living in it) - the real question is why doesn’t he pay as he has 10x greater savings?

What are both of you saving for?

It’s fine to have separated finances in a marriage but you need joint priorities and plans, and an understanding of each other’s position.

If you can’t rely on him to equalise your financial position if the shit hit the fan - job loss, serious illness etc - then you need to keep your savings not spend them on the house.

If he’d be happy to support you through the above, such that you don’t need savings (because he’s got them), then really there’s no need to split any payments 50-50 at all - he should just pay as he has loads more money and what’s the point in depleting your savings? It’s presumably less tax efficient for him to have loads and you to have none.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 09:59

I think after 20 years it's time to review the house ownership position. If you did split, it would be considered a marital asset anyway.

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/08/2021 10:01

I’m not sure as tenants in common that the care fees/house would be disregarded.

He personally owns 2/3 whilst op owns 1/3

It’s more of a friendship arrangement than a marriage arrangement - which they were at the beginning.

OP living in the house won’t be taken into account, they will request it’s sold - by changing the mortgage into joint tenants OP wouldn’t be forced to sell.

Plus on the will side, there’s nothing to stop him leaving his share to the animal shelter.

FlyingCircus93 · 05/08/2021 10:02

It doesn't feel fair to say if he put in 50k, he should only get 50k back out, even if the house price has increased.

I'd look to ring-fence his deposit contribution as a percentage and then the rest of the ongoing costs as 50/50.

Still, I dont think that would solve the problem you think you have RE care homes as he will presumably still have more ££ available to him then. Also, if your finances are separate then I don't agree that his inheritance is up for sharing.