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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question whether I should pay half these costs?

179 replies

TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:12

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2021 23:24

@BillMasen

Threads where a woman has an inheritance go quite differently to this one…
Maybe have a look at the statistics on women's poverty in old age and have a little think about why structural sexism means women have to plan differently.

Or just always with tedious regularity post various riffs on WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ over and over and over.

Balgoresboy · 06/08/2021 02:57

It baffles me so many threads like this appear as I too assume that marriage means sharing and no separate accounts but I suppose it's not as common as I thought. I also think that if the genders were reversed here the responses would be very different.

PrincessNutella · 06/08/2021 05:50

If he owns two thirds of the house, then he should pay for two thirds of the house. If you have been paying for half of the house for twenty years, he owes you a substantial amount of money. He can even that out by first paying for the repairs for the roof and then further repairs himself. There certainly are a lot of cheap British men!

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/08/2021 08:52

I don’t know anyone who have completely joint accounts.

I don’t.

My friend mid divorce has had the bank account regularly emptied by her abuse husband. Not something I ever wanted to have to deal with!!

Still married, nearly 20 years and still wouldn’t share an account!

DinosaurDiana · 06/08/2021 08:54

We have our own account and a joint account.
It’s good to have some independence.

bridgetreilly · 06/08/2021 08:57

Add up your total financial contributions to the house so far and his. Then point out that a 50% ownership would be by far more equitable now.

WaterBottle123 · 06/08/2021 09:00

OP

Are you to tackle the fact he's been effectively stealing from you taking 50/50 contributions but not updating deeds?

obeabdabother · 06/08/2021 09:07

@BillMasen

Threads where a woman has an inheritance go quite differently to this one…
Yes because women have to financially plan differently than men. We live longer We earn less for the same work and also because of the different career choices/working patterns to enable us to raise children
DonLewis · 06/08/2021 09:21

Is it time to revisit all of this together, given that so many years have passed since that initial deposit?

Me and DH have been together for 23 years. We've had periods where I've paid for everything and periods where he's paid for everything. All of our parents have us money for the deposit on our first house: his gave double what my parents gave. His granny died and we used the inheritance on the extension. My mum had no money to give or leave when she died, but she gave us 10 years of free childcare. I've raised the kids and gone part time, while DH has built a business. I have a pension, DH doesn't have much of one.

If we tried to keep tabs of who put in what and who is therefore owed what, we'd have a massive, unwieldy spreadsheet! Instead, we accept that our lives together are a joint venture and we're lucky to be able to stop working to care for a really sick relative while the other one steps up and pays the mortgage, or to go seriously part time while one of us studies to improve their earning potential and the other subsidises it. It's all just ours. In the event of a spilt, it'd be done 50/50.

I know that not everyone wants to do the way we do it, but after 20 years, I think it's time to say look, we're in this together. Of he's desperate to ring fence that original deposit, fine. But staying that the original deposit equates to a third of the house now? Seems spiteful and deliberate to make sure he's wealthier than you. In retirement, what's going to happen? He's going to live the high life with his better pension and inherited savings while you're scrabbling round for spare change? I don't think that sounds like a great, equal partnership. In fact, his attitude would piss me right off. Doesn't it piss you off?

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 09:41

Yes because women have to financially plan differently than men.
We live longer
We earn less for the same work and also because of the different career choices/working patterns to enable us to raise children

the OP doesn't have children
and they earn the same Hmm

Of course on MN savings belonging to the husband are treated very differently from the savings belonging to the wife.

Crowsaregreat · 06/08/2021 09:46

He should have ringfenced his share of the deposit. Not given himself two thirds of a house you've been paying for 50/50. But won't you leave it to each other anyway?

Balgoresboy · 06/08/2021 09:48

''Of course on MN savings belonging to the husband are treated very differently from the savings belonging to the wife.''

This with bells on. You will have another poster on soon saying that women get much less favourably treated than men so all men on the planet must be blamed and the latter excuses all hatred and double standards towards men...

MurielSpriggs · 06/08/2021 09:59

Ignoring all the other complexity, and just accepting the arms-length finances as they are, and his greater share of the tenancy in common, I'd say you should pay half.

You say that the work is roof repairs and new kitchen. Over the time you've lived there (and are likely to continue living there) those are repairs to fix the wear and tear of using the place as your home. They are not improvements in the way that extensions would be. Roofs and kitchens wear out over time and need work. You've both lived there "equally" I'm guessing, so you're equally responsible for fixing stuff up which you've worn out.

Quitelikeacatslife · 06/08/2021 10:03

I'd work out over the years, you paying 50/50 on the mortgage instead of 67/33 so 0.17% for all these years, if he sticks to 1/3 2/3 then he owes you that money to set up for your pension. And ongoing you will be paying less so you can build up savings . Or you want that agreement tearing up (probably useless anyway) and things get evened out. This is your security, you need advice and to fight for it.
Ok to keep inheritance in his name but the house thing is ridiculous

WaterBottle123 · 06/08/2021 10:17

@MurielSpriggs

Ignoring all the other complexity, and just accepting the arms-length finances as they are, and his greater share of the tenancy in common, I'd say you should pay half.

You say that the work is roof repairs and new kitchen. Over the time you've lived there (and are likely to continue living there) those are repairs to fix the wear and tear of using the place as your home. They are not improvements in the way that extensions would be. Roofs and kitchens wear out over time and need work. You've both lived there "equally" I'm guessing, so you're equally responsible for fixing stuff up which you've worn out.

@MurielSpriggs

He's been having OP overpay for years and effectively stealing money from her by stealth! She absolutely should not pay.

CrazyHorse · 06/08/2021 10:28

This is absolutely bonkers!

I paid for all the deposit for our house. DH pays for all the mortgage repayments. The house is ours 50/50. Because we're married. I wouldn't marry someone with your DHs attitude to owning more house than his spouse.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 10:39

He's been having OP overpay for years and effectively stealing money from her by stealth! She absolutely should not pay.

STEALING?!? Confused

What the hell are are you on about? To make things easier, they are earning the SAME SALARY!

Qwertyyui · 06/08/2021 11:05

My maths is poor but it is right OP is owed one third as 50% of the remaining 2/3 of the house is indeed 1/3 so there is only 1/3 she has paid for. The only way to even it out is if she had of paid for a higher amount of mortgage payments.

I would be splitting any house costs the same way though for putting money in.

I own my house. DH lives with me. If there are renovation costs we will have his finances ringfenced so that if we were to split then he would take his renovation money out (as a percent rather than lump sum depending on what the renovations brought to the house worth) If we move house and buy somewhere I have at least 50 grand equity to put into a new house. This would be ringfenced as a percentage of the house as mine to protect me in the future. We don't share finances I don't want to. He would happily though. He will eventually be the higher earner and I never want to profit off him. If we never move her will never pay towards the mortgage and just contribute accordingly. We support each other and some times I have more spare cash so I buy nice things. Other times he does so he buys them.

He will get unheritance I wont. I wouldn't expect him to share it with me its not from my family that would be his savings to do with as he saw fit.

Long story short you pay 1/3 repair/renovations unless the money you out in is protected as 50/50 if you were to split (so guarantee 10 grand back out) to me that is fair.

RandomMess · 06/08/2021 11:21

Surely you can sort out the deeds on the house so it is now 50:50??

Have that conversation and if he refuses to then he pays for the repairs....

UDontDans2Tekno · 06/08/2021 11:40

@Quitelikeacatslife

I'd work out over the years, you paying 50/50 on the mortgage instead of 67/33 so 0.17% for all these years, if he sticks to 1/3 2/3 then he owes you that money to set up for your pension. And ongoing you will be paying less so you can build up savings . Or you want that agreement tearing up (probably useless anyway) and things get evened out. This is your security, you need advice and to fight for it. Ok to keep inheritance in his name but the house thing is ridiculous
Op has paid a 3rd not half, dh paid for a third (deposit) and a third mortgage

The only halves have been bills (I guess) and maintenance (probably) which you can technically say, well she shouldn't pay half, but does she only use a third? Unlikely, she uses more than she owns, so it's only fair she pays a bit more than her third.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 06/08/2021 11:59

Not sure about this one as I'm in your DH's position of owning more of the house.
I'd expect my DP to pay 50% if we did any renovations as he pays 50% of the mortgage etc.
I own 80% of our house and do not want that to change when we marry. I don't see why I should give away what I've worked for.

In your position though, the majority of your DH's savings are from inheritance, not from savings he made himself, so I'd expect him to pay for more of the renovations as you can't be expected to wipe out your savings to pay for it. I would expect to have to put inheritance towards house repairs or paying off the mortgage rather than keeping them for myself.

BillMasen · 06/08/2021 12:12

@PissedOffNeighbour22

Not sure about this one as I'm in your DH's position of owning more of the house. I'd expect my DP to pay 50% if we did any renovations as he pays 50% of the mortgage etc. I own 80% of our house and do not want that to change when we marry. I don't see why I should give away what I've worked for.

In your position though, the majority of your DH's savings are from inheritance, not from savings he made himself, so I'd expect him to pay for more of the renovations as you can't be expected to wipe out your savings to pay for it. I would expect to have to put inheritance towards house repairs or paying off the mortgage rather than keeping them for myself.

Seeing as a fair few posters have called the OPs partner abusive, let’s see if they think the same here…
BillMasen · 06/08/2021 12:17

@Balgoresboy

''Of course on MN savings belonging to the husband are treated very differently from the savings belonging to the wife.''

This with bells on. You will have another poster on soon saying that women get much less favourably treated than men so all men on the planet must be blamed and the latter excuses all hatred and double standards towards men...

@MrsTerryPratchett you going to call this poster out for being all about the menz, or is that just me?
3ismylot · 06/08/2021 13:01

Threads like this really make me realise how good my own situation is!
DH and I have always combined everything since I fell pregnant with our eldest even though we didn't marry till nearly 4 years later.
When we bought our house DH paid the whole deposit (45% of the value of the house) using inheritance but he did not insist on ringfencing the money so we own 50% each.
All money goes into one pot and outgoings come out of that pot, he earns a lot more than me but it is viewed as family money and he would let me spend every penny if I wanted to but I am not like that.

If DH tried to separate finances into his and mine I would feel like the marriage was already over, we are a team and we support each other so why wouldn't we share our finances?

The fact you are questioning things means you are unhappy with the arrangement and its time to either change the agreement and split it fairly or walk away as it will eat away at you more and more as the years go by.

MurielSpriggs · 06/08/2021 13:16

@MrsTerryPratchett you going to call this poster out for being all about the menz, or is that just me?

Grin

Summary of standard advice: what's yours is mine, what's mine's me own!