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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question whether I should pay half these costs?

179 replies

TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:12

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 03/08/2021 23:52

That agreement on the house sounds utterly crazy, and needs changing. Legally you can ask him to protect only what he originally put in even that looks petty now. Surely no matter what was agreed at the time, the marriage has turned out to be longstanding and he can rip that old agreement right up, If he refuses after all this time of paying 50/50 that is such a dick move . Mind you we have all money as family money

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 23:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

The agreement protected his contribution as a % if the house value, rather than the sum in £.

In which case you pay proportionately to your stake. One third.

He is mean and tight and is trying to screw you over.

Tell HIM to pay it all, you need your savings.

How his meanness hasn't given you the ICK, I don't know.

Him insisting on a percentage absolutely screwed you over.

Not a nice man at all.

Quitelikeacatslife · 03/08/2021 23:55

Wow just read the helpful link and you need to show it to your DH. He does not control more of your house no matter what great deal he thinks he did back then , urgh it's awful you feeling financially inferior to him

edwinbear · 03/08/2021 23:57

@Skiptheheartsandflowers I can say what happened to my parents home, which was held as tenants in common (for tax planning) when my dad died. He had an affair 6 months before he died, rewrote his will leaving his share of the matrimonial home to his mistress and my mum had to sell the home and hand over £500k to his mistress of 6 months - despite DM and DD still being married when he died. It cost tens of thousands of pounds in legal fees and 2 years of stress to contest the will but ultimately, we got nowhere.

Obviously this is an extreme case and OP, I really don’t want to suggest the same could happen with you as you seem happy in your marriage - it’s just my cautionary tale.

Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 04/08/2021 00:00

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

As tenants in common, what would happen if one of you died to the other person's share of the house?
We have written wills, leaving our shares to each other.

My main problem with the finances is not to do with death, but care costs. I’ve seen what can happen when the person who has most of the assets is in an expensive care home. I don’t want to be left with one third of the value of a (pretty modest) house.

OP posts:
maddening · 04/08/2021 00:05

I would say his deposit remains his deposit, eg if he put £50k in to a £150k house but the house is now worth £300k then he gets his £50k back and the £250k is split evenly.

Caffeinemonster · 04/08/2021 00:09

We have always split the mortgage repayments 50/50 (we have two years left in it). The deposit paid for a third of the house purchase price, hence the two thirds share to him

This is so wrong. He may have paid 2/3 of the deposit but if all mortgage payments have been 50:50 then you’ve contributed a lot more than 1/3 of the total put in.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/08/2021 00:12

I agree you have paid more whilst his investment (the deposit) has risen without contribution

I would be have serious discussions before you agree to the works

ColdCottage · 04/08/2021 00:41

If it's ring-fenced should you ever divorce or like you say need care home bills paid then he should pay for his share. I would also say that the mortgage payments should also reflect this as by paying 50/50 you are effectively paying him rent on his share which doesn't seem fair.

With this in mind work out what has been paid in so far, work out what you are due back and I'm sure that is more than covers your 1/3 of the new work being done.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/08/2021 00:42

given that you've paid half the mortgage how on earth does he think it reasonable to own 2/3 of the home - or does he, if he is expecting you to pay half? what % of the house value was the deposit?
Sounds as if you need to have a conversation and establish where you stand - preferably with him, but follow up with a solicitor if it's not a satisfactory outcome.

lastcall · 04/08/2021 01:08

@maddening

I would say his deposit remains his deposit, eg if he put £50k in to a £150k house but the house is now worth £300k then he gets his £50k back and the £250k is split evenly.
This is how it should have been done. Exactly this. A ringfenced deposit in the event of a split, than 50/50 on any equity going forward.

This needs to be addressed. Now.

Or... you'll be better off financially if you divorce him.

GloriousGoosebumps · 04/08/2021 01:08

You should pay 1/3 of the improvements only.

Those of you saying that it is unfair that the dh owns 2/3rds of the property have missed the fact that the deposit he paid covered 1/3rd of the purchase price rather than the more usual 10% of the purchase price. (Third post by the op). In those circumstances, it's perfectly fair that he owns 2/3rds of the property to the op's 1/3.

Re the op's concern that the equity in the matrimonial home could be swallowed up by care costs, Age UK says -

If your care home is permanent, it won't be counted if it's still occupied by:

your partner or former partner, unless they are estranged from you
your estranged or divorced partner IF they are also a lone parent
a relative who is aged 60 or over
a relative who is disabled
a child of yours aged under 18

so there's no need for concern.

To be perfectly honest, while you say you're happily married, it does sound as though you're looking to have the family finances redistributed in your favour prior to a break up because what other reason could there be when you say there's a will leaving you dh's share of the house? I doubt you could ever convince your dh that there was a good reason for changing the ownership of the home and presumably the savings as well.

Original poster
TheGodofSmallThings · 04/08/2021 01:36

To be perfectly honest, while you say you're happily married, it does sound as though you're looking to have the family finances redistributed in your favour prior to a break up because what other reason could there be when you say there's a will leaving you dh's share of the house?

The information about care homes is useful, thank you. I don’t understand what you’re getting at above, though. When we bought our house, we were advised to make wills (we were not married at that point) leaving our shares in the house to each other. Without wills, our parents would have inherited our shares of the house had one of us died. I am certainly not thinking of getting divorced. As PP have indicated, there would be a more equal split of the assets were we to split than there is now, and I would not need to “look to have the family finances distributed in my favour” in advance of this. My concerns are about my contributions to expensive work on the house, and what happens to assets were long term care to be needed.

OP posts:
Rangoon · 04/08/2021 02:05

It's madness that you are paying 50% of the mortgage on a house that you possibly own only a third of. I can understand ring fencing the deposit but is that all that was agreed? Whatever this arrangement was, I'd try to find out whether you are entitled to half. Words fail me about paying half of the renovations if you own only a third of the house.

The fact that he seems to expect you to pay for half of the work taking up all your savings with more plans next year is incredibly concerning. You would be left without any savings for emergencies.

I don't personally subscribe to the shared family money idea that is common on Mumsnet. My husband and I have always had separate money. I did put more money into our initial house deposit but essentially my extra deposit was ring fenced - not exactly like that legally. The effect though was that as my husband put more money in his share of the house went up and there was an adjustment that took care of the time value of money ie a dollar now is better than a dollar now. Eventually we ended up with half shares of the house. There was no way that the ownership of the house was based on the initial deposit. There would have been no way that my husband would ever have agreed to this and I would never have suggested it because it would be exceedingly unfair.

The other thing is your partner could change his will at any time and you wouldn't know. I mean so could mine but on the other hand we have children together and I have enough resources with substantial investments to take the hit.

I would urge you to seek legal advice. In the meantime don't empty your savings in this way or agree to further work. I am a solicitor but not in the UK and your family law is very different to ours but your situation seems very concerning.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 03:51

Sorry- it's ridiculous that despite an increased value and equal payment into the house, 20 years later he owns more, having only provided a larger deposit, but not a larger contribution to ongoing costs. Rngfemcing his and your deposits is completely reasonable as he paid more. 29 years later him having a two third share in a house almost paid off, equally, by you both is juts fecking stupid. That's what I'd be looking to change, not the half costs in the renovations.

obeabdabother · 04/08/2021 22:30

Yeah, you're in trouble op - once the scales fall from your eyes you are going to be unhappy with the situation you are in.

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 22:42

@SD1978

Sorry- it's ridiculous that despite an increased value and equal payment into the house, 20 years later he owns more, having only provided a larger deposit, but not a larger contribution to ongoing costs. Rngfemcing his and your deposits is completely reasonable as he paid more. 29 years later him having a two third share in a house almost paid off, equally, by you both is juts fecking stupid. That's what I'd be looking to change, not the half costs in the renovations.
This.

Never has a larger deposit bought suchba return.

The OP has been so played.

HotChoc10 · 04/08/2021 22:45

I own my house with my partner in about the same ratio as you (except I own the higher % and we're not married) and I definitely plan to pay equivalent to my share when we do major work in the next few years.

Clydesider · 04/08/2021 22:52

That tenants in common thing could be a real problem if it ever came to divorce or inheritance. I don't think I could have been with a man who wanted that, rather than being joint tenants. I wonder what a divorce judge would do after such a long marriage.

This is your marital home and I find it odd that he thinks he has more claim on it than you. Me & my husband have separate current accounts but we consider our savings as joint, even though I've put next to nothing in since I had to stop working.

LaMontser · 04/08/2021 22:56

You are absolutely being played. Pay one third of the costs and perhaps offset it against having paid half the mortgage for all this time when you should have been paid a third.

Also - and this might be immaterial if everything is due to each other anyway - but I thought marriage invalidated your will (unless that was a condition of the will).

Neondisco · 04/08/2021 23:11

Sorry but this type of seperate thinking re finances is just odd. You're either in it together or not. In which case why get married.

Obviously it makes sense to have done seperate money from a security point of view. But all this, he has x amount of savings and owns x sound of the home is bonkers in a marriage.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/08/2021 23:20

Even disregarding everything else, I would really want to say to him, about this other work on the house he wants to do next year (or even about the work right now) 'Why not just pay for that out of your £200K savings?' and see what his response was. The money's just sitting there. Why not use it on work he wants?

What actually is he planning to do with his savings? You said you don't have children. Is he one of these people who likes looking at the big numbers in his bank balance rather than spending it? Who would he leave it to if you died first?

ZenNudist · 04/08/2021 23:40

Can you rescind the tenants in common. You've paid 50-50 on the house apart from deposit so you've been screwed over. Also he can pay all the costs ashe has more money. All savings are both of yours and he has more to spare.

maddening · 05/08/2021 07:48

Can you work out what you have paid in mortgage payments over the 20 years? How does that compare to the deposit paid?