To question whether I should pay half these costs?

[TheGodofSmallThings]

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

The value of the joint home if the spouse is going to continue to live in it isn't taken into account for care costs.

This is a very strange set up. You pay 50% mortgage buy don’t own 50% if house? You’re married? Shouldn’t it all just be 50/50?

Thank you for the replies. To respond to a few points:

The value of the joint home if the spouse is going to continue to live in it isn't taken into account for care costs.

It's the "if the spouse is going to continue to live in it" bit that worries me. I live in a very rural area that is not really suitable for older people (no public transport, amenities, etc). Would this mean that if I needed to move, then I would only have a third of the value of the house to buy myself somewhere to live? That would buy me literally nothing.

I know I seem fixated on the care home issue, but this is a massive worry for me as issues with relatives with dementia dominated our lives for a long time. Both DH's parents were in care homes because of this; his DF had a larger proportion of assets in his name, which were therefore counted 100% for the purpose of care home fees.

As for what he is saving for, he is focused on saving for retirement. He is only a few years off it (there is a 13 year age gap between us). However, he will have a good pension (another discrepancy between us: his work has a far better pension scheme than mine does, and I couldn't hope to be in the same position as him, financially, on retirement).

Protecting the deposit made sense at the time, when we were younger and not married, but after 22 years together and rather older, I feel in a vulnerable position with this arrangement. The subject came up recently, but he fobbed me off. I found it really upsetting that (at worst) he seems not to care that I might be left homeless if he were to need to pay for a care home or (at best) thinks it an abstract and unlikely possibility that does not merit consideration.

As for whether the house work is essential, unfortunately it is. Our roof is now dangerous, and the 1980s kitchen is literally falling to pieces.

In terms of legal advice: does anyone know what kind of solicitor I should contact? Family law?

I've been married nearly twice as long as OP. I have my own savings, DH has his. I like having my own money, we down own the house 50/50 though.

We have roughly the same amount of money each month after expenses, I have more savings as he is a spender and I'm a saver.

The care thing is very valid. I was facing this when DH became bedbound at only 54. I was told he (his share of our joint assets) would be responsible for his care costs and although I wouldn't have to sell up, the debt would be paid when the house was sold. We have a large house in a not expensive area. Downsizing to a suitable retirement bungalow would likely cost much the same as the value of our home and wouldn't be possible if I'd "lost" half it's value.

As it happened, DH became seriously unwell and died before the care was arranged, so it never happened, but in some ways that was one of the most traumatic parts of his illness - the realisation that s well as losing DH, I could be left without all the things we'd put in place to give us a secure future. Very important not to have the majority of assets in one name for that reason alone. (This also applies to savings).

@TheGodofSmallThings

To be perfectly honest, while you say you're happily married, it does sound as though you're looking to have the family finances redistributed in your favour prior to a break up because what other reason could there be when you say there's a will leaving you dh's share of the house?

The information about care homes is useful, thank you. I don’t understand what you’re getting at above, though. When we bought our house, we were advised to make wills (we were not married at that point) leaving our shares in the house to each other. Without wills, our parents would have inherited our shares of the house had one of us died. I am certainly not thinking of getting divorced. As PP have indicated, there would be a more equal split of the assets were we to split than there is now, and I would not need to “look to have the family finances distributed in my favour” in advance of this. My concerns are about my contributions to expensive work on the house, and what happens to assets were long term care to be needed.

Have you updated your wills since you married? I think you are advised to do this normally.

If it's any help we don't split things 50/50 automatically. We look at who wants the "thing" who has most cash available. There is no set percentage it just sort of gets agreed.

So you have paid half the mortgage but because he paid more deposit than you you consider it mostly his house? I'm sorry, that's bonkers.

You need to sit down and talk this through properly.

If you have historically paid half of everything I can see why he wants you to carry on paying half of everything. But if he thinks it's mostly his house then he should pay most of the renovationns.

.I personally would want the house put 50/50 in both your names. What exactly is he going to do with all his additional money that doesn't involve you?

ExpressDelivery - this is exactly the kind of future scenario that worries me. I'm sorry that you went through this.

Have you updated your wills since you married? I think you are advised to do this normally.

Yes, we did. There wasn't any change to the substance of them; we simply did so on advice that marriage invalidated previous wills.

So you have paid half the mortgage but because he paid more deposit than you you consider it mostly his house? I'm sorry, that's bonkers.

I consider it mostly his house as this is what the deeds say, and - should care be required later in life - so would the state, it seems, judging from ExpressDelivery's experience.

@ExpressDelivery

The care thing is very valid. I was facing this when DH became bedbound at only 54. I was told he (his share of our joint assets) would be responsible for his care costs and although I wouldn't have to sell up, the debt would be paid when the house was sold. We have a large house in a not expensive area. Downsizing to a suitable retirement bungalow would likely cost much the same as the value of our home and wouldn't be possible if I'd "lost" half it's value.

As it happened, DH became seriously unwell and died before the care was arranged, so it never happened, but in some ways that was one of the most traumatic parts of his illness - the realisation that s well as losing DH, I could be left without all the things we'd put in place to give us a secure future. Very important not to have the majority of assets in one name for that reason alone. (This also applies to savings).

That's simply not true about his share of the value of the house being taken to pay for his care. That only happens if you are the only owner.

If the situation arises where the person who needs care passes away, the full value and ownership passes onto the surviving spouse.

*That's simply not true about his share of the value of the house being taken to pay for his care. That only happens if you are the only owner.

If the situation arises where the person who needs care passes away, the full value and ownership passes onto the surviving spouse.*

We'll I don't know, but that's definitely what the OT and Social Worker were telling me when they were blackmailing persuading me that he would be best cared for by me.

Going to ask again (it's been a busy thread): what is his plan for these large savings of his, given that you don't have children to pass them on to? Is he going to use them, or are they just to sit in the bank and be admired?

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Going to ask again (it's been a busy thread): what is his plan for these large savings of his, given that you don't have children to pass them on to? Is he going to use them, or are they just to sit in the bank and be admired?

They are savings for retirement (which is not far off).

If he can walk away with 66%of the value of house at any point, then any improvements should be on a 66% - 33% basis.

@Caffeinemonster

We have always split the mortgage repayments 50/50 (we have two years left in it). The deposit paid for a third of the house purchase price, hence the two thirds share to him

This is so wrong. He may have paid 2/3 of the deposit but if all mortgage payments have been 50:50 then you’ve contributed a lot more than 1/3 of the total put in.

house (for example) cost £90k DH paid £30k deposit

Remainder £60k (mortgage
OP and DH pay half each £30k & £30k (ignoring interest etc)

DH 'owns' £60 k (deposit 30k and mortgage 30k)
OP 'owns' £30k (mortgage)

DH owns 2/3
OP owns 1/3

As you've been together so long, you should be joint tenants now.

If he refuses, let him pay full cost of work.

If all property remained the same price as when you bought it I can see the logic in him holding a % rather than ring fencing his deposit.
But I presume the asset has gone up a lot. What’s the amount it’s gone up?

Remainder £60k (mortgage(
OP and DH pay half each £30k & £30k (ignoring interest etc)

Yes, the principle is correct, though the sums involved are much higher, and the interest not insignificant. I've just calculated it, and we'll have paid around £74k in interest by the time the house is paid off.

@Taliskerskye

If all property remained the same price as when you bought it I can see the logic in him holding a % rather than ring fencing his deposit. But I presume the asset has gone up a lot. What’s the amount it’s gone up?

Probably between £150k and £180k.

So essentially the house is in three thirds. He bought one third outright and you each pay the mortgage on a further third. No something I would have agreed to but I can see the logic. However obviously you then only pay a third of the repair costs and he pays two thirds. Its the same as me and my neighbours in a 'four in the block' set of flats. We each only pay quarter of any roof repairs.

I couldn’t be doing with this. DH and I both had money to put towards our deposit and I genuinely can’t remember who put in more. We just looked at how much we had together. The house is in our names as 50/50 and all of our money and savings are joint. I think you need to review how you view money and ownership of the house personally. If you only ‘own’ a third of the house, why should you be expected to pay half the costs of repair. He can’t have it both ways.

Are you sure that it means he owns 2/3 of the house?

We had a similar arrangement buying unmarried and I paid 75% of the deposit and him 25%. We pay the mortgage 50/50 though.

It absolutely doesn't mean that I own 50% more of the house than he does.

We split all house bills equally, including all renovations.

I think you really need to take proper advice from a solicitor.
He’s made 100 k profit you’ve made 50k profit. It seems unfair. But if that’s what you’ve agreed, then I certainly would draw up an agreement that if the house improvements add value, then you get 50% of the added value. But honestly it’s getting so insanely complicated.
I would get advice and then ask to sit down and talk to him about it all.

We had a similar arrangement buying unmarried and I paid 75% of the deposit and him 25%. We pay the mortgage 50/50 though

That’s not the way this type of mortgage works or the agreement they had at the time.

I also paid all the deposit having brought and sold. We then brought together with my deposit. The mortgage was 50:50 until children came along - but I wouldn’t argue over the deposit 20 years later should we split

If he needs care they couldn’t sell his half of the house as it’s jointly owned.

Tenants in common is not an issue in itself- provided it’s handled properly. In fact it does protect assets from care home costs. But it should be 50:50 based on the OP s contribution to the mortgage and to protect her home in event of DH death.
They then need very good wills and trusts- which basically leaves each of their 50% to another party (usually children) with full rights for the surviving party to remain, use etc the property until their own death. But it needs to be carefully written and you have to trust implicitly who will inherit the share of the house if not leaving to partner. It is a big risk, but it can limit liability for care home cost to just 50% of value of estate. Also won’t work if you switch to tenant in common to avoid care home costs- they’re onto that, have to show it was done for ano reason
Not saying OP should do this- just pointing out it is not such a bad idea even in marriage
The point here is that here DH seems not to understand that by marrying he is financially bound to the Op and has no rights to his “share” of his assets in event of divorce- itlll just be split 50:50 anyway. So why doesn’t he grow up and realise this and understand that all he is achieving with “what’s mine is mine” is causing OP huge anxiety about her future without him.