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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To question whether I should pay half these costs?

179 replies

TheGodofSmallThings · 03/08/2021 23:12

We are having some work done on our house - kitchen and repairs to our roof, which will come to between £20k and £25k in total.

We both earn the same income, but DH owns a two thirds share of the house as he used an inheritance for the deposit (this was before we got married). As an aside, I am perfectly happy in the marriage, and have no intention of going anywhere (we’ve been together 22 years), but I feel increasingly uncomfortable with the tenants in common arrangement as we get older (mainly as I’ve seen family assets sucked up in care costs and the financial impact on the surviving partner when those assets were not divided equally). Given his majority share in the house, and the fact that DH has far more in savings than I do by a factor of around 20, AIBU for saying that I should only contribute a third of the costs? Or should I pay an equal amount, given that I live there? I do have the money, but it would be the entirety of my savings (and DH wants to do more work on the house next year).

Happy to be told I’m being selfish; it would at least stop us having to have a difficult conversation.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2021 15:06

@MrsTerryPratchett you going to call this poster out for being all about the menz, or is that just me?

If he appears on every bloody thread for all time whining on about men's rights, I'm sure I will. Give him time.

BillMasen · 06/08/2021 16:21

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]**@MrsTerryPratchett you going to call this poster out for being all about the menz, or is that just me?

If he appears on every bloody thread for all time whining on about men's rights, I'm sure I will. Give him time.[/quote]
I highlight double standards when I see them, as do lots of other posters that you don’t have an issue with. I’ll probably continue to do so.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2021 16:24

Of course you will. Misogynists gotta misogyny.

I trust you do the same on the 90% of the internet where men are shit towards women. Try Reddit. Or literally any comment section.

Looubylou · 06/08/2021 20:21

I am in exactly the same position- except we are not married, but do have a child. The split is 70:30. We have a joint account for equal payments in, then separate savings. I earn quite a bit more, but he has more savings. I pay 50 % of everything - I'd like an extension and new kitchen/bathroom, but have had same thoughts as you. House is paid for. Partner doesn't want the improvements anyway - that's another thread! I feel I can't spend my hard earned cash to have the house I want, because he doesn't want to. I could have bought a house independently on my salary and would be personally a lot better off now. Plus I'm in a dodgy position if partner dies. As you are married, your partner really does need to make the house 50:50.

MurielSpriggs · 06/08/2021 20:25

Of course you will. Misogynists gotta misogyny.

Misogynise is the verb.

And I'd say that even if you were a man, love.

mewkins · 06/08/2021 20:47

I get why he ring-fenced his deposit before you were married but it really doesn't mean much once you are married...it becomes a matrimonial asset as a pp said.

I'm wondering why he has 200k in savings but hasn't paid the mortgage off. I'm assuming he thinks if he does that then you are let off paying your half of the mortgage each month....Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/08/2021 01:18

@MurielSpriggs

Of course you will. Misogynists gotta misogyny.

Misogynise is the verb.

And I'd say that even if you were a man, love.

But you have no issue with 'gotta'?

I always enjoy a good grammar lesson.

missnevermind · 07/08/2021 03:57

Is he aware of how much savings you have, that it is so much less than his?
Does he know the exact figure of your savings and you his?
(could you tell him you only have 10 thousand in the bank and don't want to spend it as it is your fall back money - and not acknowledge the further 10 thousand at that point)

Balgoresboy · 07/08/2021 06:26

''I trust you do the same on the 90% of the internet where men are shit towards women. Try Reddit. Or literally any comment section.''

I be on Reddit all the time, not once have I seen this. Would you care to link it please?

Balgoresboy · 07/08/2021 06:28

''I highlight double standards when I see them, as do lots of other posters that you don’t have an issue with. I’ll probably continue to do so.''

IME if you highlight any double standard on mn or try to defend a man you are a raving misogynistic poster with an agenda to bash and bring down women remember. Men are always the enemy on our em 'feminist' website.

Binnaggy · 07/08/2021 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

PaleGreenAndBrightOrange · 07/08/2021 07:08

Legally if you own 1/3 of the house you should pay 1/3 of all costs post purchase. That includes building work, mortgage and believe it or not utilities.

CliftonGreenYork · 07/08/2021 07:23

@HollowTalk

You'd be so much better off financially if you split up.
Why is this always suggested on mumsnet. Why not just have someone bump him off, you would be so much better of financially as a widow 👍
cooldarkroom · 07/08/2021 07:34

The conversation needs to be had, as uncomfortable as it may be.
I need to talk to you about this work we're having done.
As on paper you own 2/3rd of the house, I am am not happy paying ALL my savings into the work. It leaves me broke.
We need to rethink our finances. because as far as I can see our house is now worth , for example, £400K, I have paid half of all mortgage contributions, (bar the initial ex 50K, ) It's not fair that on paper you own 2/3. I should own 1/2 minus 50K.
You are lucky to have inherited all that money, but I am worried what happens if se are old & need large amounts of money for care homes. Am I going to be homeless?
This is an issue that is making me really uncomfortable"

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2021 07:53

The only halves have been bills (I guess) and maintenance (probably) which you can technically say, well she shouldn't pay half, but does she only use a third? Unlikely, she uses more than she owns, so it's only fair she pays a bit more than her third.

This is bonkers logic. Property owners pay to maintain property - not property users. Tenants pay rent for use of the house but the landlord pays for 100% of repairs to the house. (A good landlord should have set rent so that they can save a proportion towards maintenance, of course, but that doesn’t change the principle.)

If they weren’t married and didn’t live in the property - so were just joint owners in a tenants in common proportional ownership situation- no one would suggest the person in OP’s situation owning less than 50% should pay 50% repairs & maintenance or improvements.

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2021 07:59

@PissedOffNeighbour22

Not sure about this one as I'm in your DH's position of owning more of the house. I'd expect my DP to pay 50% if we did any renovations as he pays 50% of the mortgage etc. I own 80% of our house and do not want that to change when we marry. I don't see why I should give away what I've worked for.

In your position though, the majority of your DH's savings are from inheritance, not from savings he made himself, so I'd expect him to pay for more of the renovations as you can't be expected to wipe out your savings to pay for it. I would expect to have to put inheritance towards house repairs or paying off the mortgage rather than keeping them for myself.

If you don’t want your house ownership situation to change when you marry, don’t get married.

(As an aside, yes, I think your expectation that your DP pay 50% of ongoing costs that maintain or improve the property you wish to own 80% of in perpetuity is extremely unfair.)

You can’t compare situations where the people are unmarried to those where they are - particularly in a long marriage as described by OP. It changes everything.

picklemewalnuts · 07/08/2021 08:14

"DH, before we sort out the roof we need to have a serious chat about money. There are some possible scenarios that could really screw up our future planning. We may need to consult a financial planner. Let me know when you are ready to talk about it."

Then write down the issues, using this thread and your maths to help you.
Point out the care issue.
Point out your vulnerability if you wipe out your savings.
Point out that you have effectively profited nothing after contributing 50:50, while he has a significant profit from the house.

Let him have a think about it. If he reacts badly to that, I think I'd totally reconsider our marriage.

Bingbongbash · 07/08/2021 08:23

You live like flat mates not a married couple. After 20 years of marriage he still owns more of the house than you do because he put more cash into the deposit? Can just imagine him 'I own more of this house than my wife. It's mostly mine you know.'

MurielSpriggs · 07/08/2021 08:42

This is bonkers logic. Property owners pay to maintain property - not property users. Tenants pay rent for use of the house but the landlord pays for 100% of repairs to the house.

But by your logic, if you think she should be treated as a tenant, she should be paying rent on the proportion of the property she uses (half) but doesn't own (an indeterminate amount).

NoSquirrels · 07/08/2021 09:02

@MurielSpriggs

This is bonkers logic. Property owners pay to maintain property - not property users. Tenants pay rent for use of the house but the landlord pays for 100% of repairs to the house.

But by your logic, if you think she should be treated as a tenant, she should be paying rent on the proportion of the property she uses (half) but doesn't own (an indeterminate amount).

No - she’s a property owner of 30% and her DH owns the other 30%. Neither are tenants of the other.

My point was that maintenance and repairs and improvements have got nothing to do with usage, only with ownership.

You could let someone live in a property you own for free, and as sole owner you’d still be liable for 100% of the costs related to the property.

It’s to do with ownership not use.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/08/2021 10:21

The mortgage split is correct. He bought 1/3 outright so the mortgage covered 2/3. They were paying for 1/3 each that’s half the mortgage cost each. The OP paid for half of 2/3 i.e. 1/3.

BadNomad · 07/08/2021 10:53

Paying the mortgage 50:50 is correct because the mortgage is for the remaining 2/3 of the value of the property of which you own 1/3.

The repairs and home improvements will increase the value of the property by a certain amount of which you will only benefit 1/3 from. Therefore you should only have to pay 1/3 towards these costs to keep things equal.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/08/2021 11:01

I'm wondering why he has 200k in savings but hasn't paid the mortgage off. I'm assuming he thinks if he does that then you are let off paying your half of the mortgage each month....

Yes, I thought this too about both paying for the work on the house and also paying off the entire mortgage. It's not as if savings are paying good rates at the moment. Advice would be that you're better off using it to pay off your mortgage. But instead of paying off a shared asset he wants to keep it in his own account. OP did say there are only a couple of years to go, I think.

Gazelda · 07/08/2021 11:08

@picklemewalnuts

"DH, before we sort out the roof we need to have a serious chat about money. There are some possible scenarios that could really screw up our future planning. We may need to consult a financial planner. Let me know when you are ready to talk about it."

Then write down the issues, using this thread and your maths to help you.
Point out the care issue.
Point out your vulnerability if you wipe out your savings.
Point out that you have effectively profited nothing after contributing 50:50, while he has a significant profit from the house.

Let him have a think about it. If he reacts badly to that, I think I'd totally reconsider our marriage.

Excellent advice
MasterBeth · 07/08/2021 11:33

I cannot understand a marriage where “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” isn’t at the heart of it. Joint account. Family home. Income shared for the maintenance of your partnership and family.