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AIBU?

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Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 06/08/2021 09:29

Which is why I specifically asked
"Why must anyone feel sad for anyone who is happy?"
Obviously if someone's lifelong dreams of becoming a mother or owning their own home or moving to Australia or whatever it may be don't come true then that is said.
But a PP said she's happy and the next poster said "I find that sad"

CanICelebrate · 06/08/2021 09:42

@ncncncncncncncnc12

I think there are some unpleasant people on this thread deliberately not reading what you actually said.

Of course it’s ok to feel your life would be pointless without children, especially in light of a pregnancy loss. If you articulate this to good friends then I’d hope they’d understand.

When I was in hospital with severe complications in early pregnancy, I felt life had no purpose. My child free best friend wasn’t offended because se knew my heart was broken and that was how I genuinely felt.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about

I don’t think the miscarriage was a drip feed at all if people actually read what OP wrote.

Youseethethingis · 06/08/2021 09:46

My child free best friend wasn’t offended because se knew my heart was broken and that was how I genuinely felt
Exactly as a good friend should!
When my baby was stillborn by childfree best friend sobbed along with me, didn't Witter on about how only having DS1 meant we could go on better holidays.
She's childfree, not an utter knob Hmm

Clydesider · 06/08/2021 09:47

I find it quite sad that you think your life would be pointless without children. It's quite insulting to those who love you; you're saying they aren't enough.

You can say your 'pointless life' view applies to just you but it clearly doesn't. It's what you think about people who don't have kids. I'm childfree and I know my life isn't pointless. Probably best to keep that kind of opinion to yourself in future.

LibbyL92 · 06/08/2021 10:32

Everyone has their opinion.

I’m almost 30 and been with my partner for 7 years.

He desperately wants children and I do, well I think I do.
But on the flip side I’m so scared to give up my life and settling down. I’m really not sure if I want to do it or not. I feel like I’m losing part of me. And that scares me!

But at the same time I love children and feel like it’s the ‘right’ thing to do…

Mazblue86 · 06/08/2021 10:33

I don't think OP was being unreasonable or especially insensitive. She was clearly expressing sadness/frustration/anxiety that she wouldn't achieve a deeply held desire and her friend belittled it. Maybe the OP es being a bit insensitive using the word 'pointless' but it isn't very psychologically healthy to assume that a comment on ones own life is a comment on everyone's.

I've got a friend who always stresses that she goes over 8 stone. I'm about 12 stone on a good day abs I don't sit around thinking she's calling me fat. I mean I am a bit fat but it's not up to my friend how I feel about that.

I think with genuinely close friends you should be able to be honest. Among my close friends we've all met partners and started having children at different times and had frank conversations about baby loss, marriage, children and one persons experience and feelings isn't a comment on someone else's life.

I mean this seriously, abs I'm not just being a dick, in order to be happy people need to take responsibility for their happiness, not assume that everyone else is responsible for it.

LawnFever · 06/08/2021 10:56

@Marmitemarinaded

I have children

I have a good job, friends, a wonderful family, love running and sport and socialising. Go on spectacular holidays!

But yep…. If I didn’t have children, I honestly think my life would be, well… yes, a bit pointless!

So if you’d have been unable to have children, you’d have done what?

Given up on all the other parts of your life you enjoy? Stayed in bed all day?

Lots of people, me included haven’t had that choice, so it’s incredibly offensive to suggest my life, or anyone else’s is pointless on the basis of having children or not.

And you can say you’re talking about yourself all you like, but it’s a judgement on life in general without children.

You also have no idea whatsoever what your life would be right now without children, and you’re making the patronising judgement that having children puts you in a superior position to not having them.

CounsellorTroi · 06/08/2021 11:13

So if you’d have been unable to have children, you’d have done what?

People say, oh well we'd have had IVF or adopted, but none of those is a guarantee of a child....

Marmitemarinaded · 06/08/2021 11:15

I give no thought to what I would have done
I just enjoy my life. And despite wonderful friends, family, hobbies, good job - my children lie at the very centre. And I bloomin love that fact

Marmitemarinaded · 06/08/2021 11:17

I think the op was deeply insensitive btw
I would never say this in real life

But on an anonymous chat forum…. I have no problem with saying this

I don’t see others having pointless lives because of no children

Actually when I think about it - I don’t give a hoot what they do and no thought to how they value their life or not!

CanICelebrate · 06/08/2021 11:35

@Youseethethingis

You’ve deliberately twisted my comment and made out like I’m implying I’d expect a child free person to not be sensitive Sad
I’m not sure why you did that and took my comment completely out of context.

I was obviously comparing my friend to that of the OP’s friend.

LawnFever · 06/08/2021 11:36

@CounsellorTroi

So if you’d have been unable to have children, you’d have done what?

People say, oh well we'd have had IVF or adopted, but none of those is a guarantee of a child....

Agreed, I’m in that camp, two failed ivf, one ending in miscarriage, currently in the adoption process but it’s simply not that easy at all.
LaraDecouvrie · 06/08/2021 11:41

I have quite a few female colleagues without children, they are past 40 so less likely to have any. I don’t think for a minute that their lives are empty without kids: they seem to be living very full and happy lives without them.

For me, I was desperate for a child, and after years of trying we were finally blessed with one. I think my life would have been emptier without him.

So really.... everyone is different

LaraDecouvrie · 06/08/2021 11:41

@LawnFever. We started the adoption process years ago. It is brutal. Best of luck to you x

Youseethethingis · 06/08/2021 11:42

@CanICelebrate
No, you have misunderstood me.
You have a good friend. I have a good friend.
I'm not at all sure OP has a good friend in this woman, who listened to OP breaking her heart, tried to minimise it, then made her words all about her and her apparent insecurity about her own free choices.
It's not how a friend is supposed to behave at all.

CanICelebrate · 06/08/2021 11:43

Sorry @Youseethethingis
Tone is so hard to pick up sometimes on these forums! Flowers

Abraxan · 06/08/2021 11:47

If you said that your life would be empty without children (rather than generic) then of course it's not a problem. Your friend is over reacting.

And what you said if definitely no worse than what the other friend said about children ruining relationships, etc.

Fwiw I would have been sad not to have a child. It took a long time to happen and it was hard. I wanted a child. To me that was important and I felt it would complete our family. That's not having a go at people who don't have children - it's talking about my own life.

And no I didn't have a boring life beforehand. It was full, exciting, interesting and full of love and happiness. But that didn't take away the need to have children.

Abraxan · 06/08/2021 11:50

I'm curious.

Why is the OP any worse than the friend who said she didn't want children as they ruin lives and relationships?

Abraxan · 06/08/2021 11:53

The Op said she'd had setbacks with TTC this year.
So, the miscarriage isn't really a drip feed.

Setbacks with TTC do indicate there have been issues - to be that would indicate some infertility type issues or a miscarriage.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2021 11:58

YANBU to feel as you do and I don't think people truly appreciate how emotional TTC is when there's fertility struggles.

Right now you feel like your life would be pointless without children because there's a deep yearning for children. If you found that door was closed to you then you would probably go through a process similar to grieving, you'd process the situation and you'd make your life great, but right now it's all very close to home and emotional.

Your friends are wrong to go looking for offence because you've shared how you're feeling in a difficult situation.

LizzieW1969 · 06/08/2021 11:58

LawnFever

Agreed, I’m in that camp, two failed ivf, one ending in miscarriage, currently in the adoption process but it’s simply not that easy at all.

I was exactly where you are. I had one failed IVF cycle, where I produced no embryos (no eggs) and was told that I had an under 5% chance of another IVF cycle producing a healthy baby. So we went down the adoption route, and now have 2 DDs of 12 and 9, who are birth siblings.

Good luck with the adoption application. It’s a really tough process, but for us it’s been well worth it. Smile

igelkott2021 · 06/08/2021 12:01

@JorisBonson

I think one would like children if she met the right person

That's quite patronising.

How is that patronising? I assume most women would only want kids with someone they loved and thought would make a good dad?
CurbsideProphet · 06/08/2021 12:10

YANBU to feel that way. I'm sorry for what you've been through. I'm struggling to conceive, IVF failures, and I also feel my life will be very empty if we can't have children. I also have friends who don't have children and definitely don't want them. It's not an insult to their lives if I feel that my life will be empty.

JorisBonson · 06/08/2021 12:14

@igelkott2021 it's patronising to assume that all women want children. It's akin to "you'll change your mind, you'll feel differently about your own" etc.

Taoneusa · 06/08/2021 12:28

Tbh I think it’s a fairly majority view that creating a family is the most fulfilling aspect of life, alongside friendships and work.