Or is this just so bloody rude

[bagpuss90]

My daughter is getting married on Saturday. We got a text yesterday to say one couple will now not be bringing their teenage kids along . The kids are not ill , they are not in isolation- apparently they just “don’t fancy it” . We will still have to pay for them - it’s too late to really invite anyone else . It’s £70 per head . Am I being unreasonable to think they should decided this before they accepted the invite ?

It's very rude but I would "upgrade" a couple of evening guests who won't be too offended at being a last minute day invite. My friends did this because a couple of people were ill and they'd had to omit some people from the day guest list due to numbers.

I think some people dont understand

In my circle weddings are registry office and a casual homemade buffet at a local working mans club and usually fairly open invite (doesnt matter if people come or not or bring a friend, lots of people invited by word or mouth etc...)

In DH circle many weddings are £100pp and set numbers with sit down meals and wine etc...

Until getting invited to weddings on DH side I had never seen a wedding like that, DH group of friends have one or two outliers (from backgrounds like mine) who had casual workies weddings themselves (they are also male friends although have wives obviously) and I have noticed theses are the people who tend to just no show on the day without a second thought (they dont seem to understand the cost and stress caused).

Then theres the mid ground weddings like mine, not as expensive or 'set package' like group to but not as casual and open as group one, I wouldnt lose £100 to a no show (although I would be irratated anyway because its rude) but it would be panic stations if someone brought a random unexpected guest as there wouldnt be seats or food for them.

If there is no one following you, ask the vicar or registrar! Or feed the photographer and helper!

At 15 and 17 they are wired to be self-centred and do not have any thought of consequences - also teenagers do not future plan. It's just the way their brains work. Yes as an adult it comes across as rude but it's just the way teenagers are. I imagine that their parents who are still coming to the wedding are either annoyed or embarrassed about this themselves. Pointing out to the parents about the expense is only going to make them feel worse and the teenagers who have changed their mind wont care.

@bagpuss90 I empathise with you but this is just part of life and is just one of those things. Hopefully your daughter will be able to invite an alternative guest(s) and this wont spoil the day.

I must admit, if a good friend invited me at the last minute, I might feel a bit offended, but if it was more of a casual acquintance or work colleague, whose wedding I wouldn't have expected to be invited to, I would feel fine about it and go if I had an outfit I could wear and wasn't otherwise engaged. I wouldn't feel offended at being an afterthought.

At my cousin's wedding, my mum's best friend (who'd known my cousin's dad since he was little) was at the church and had been invited to the evening do but not the wedding breakfast. Someone cancelled at the last minute, so they upgraded her - there was no rancour or bitterness on her part, she took it in the spirit it was meant and came along.

We've been bumped up from evening to day guests at a wedding the week before when some guests couldn't make it from overseas. Didn't feel insulted at all and had a fabulous time so all might not be lost. But they are definitely unreasonable.

After my nephew and his family (5 in total) informed me the day before our wedding that they were not coming our venue were fabulous, after a quick table reshuffle so that guests were not sitting on a half empty table the venue then removed the cost of their meal from the final bill, I guess we were just lucky with our choice of venue as it was a similar cost per head. And yes very rude I was very cross at the late notice.

@bagpuss90

I agree not the end of the world. We are looking at what we can do. Who else to invite . We aren’t loaded and to potentially pay for two people that won’t be there is irritating. Of course it won’t spoil the day-but in my book manners cost nothing

Send a semi joking response saying that at least they can have second helpings of dinner, given that the teens meals will still have to be paid for. Personally I wouldn't bother asking anyone else as I'd be miffed at the thought I was second best after some friends teenage kids.

@Abraxan
Teens that age have been in school mixing with people close quarters for several months this. Every teen I know that kind of age have been seeing friends, not hiding away since March.

Lucky you!
I’m guessing you live in a town or a city because the teens living rurally, but not on a farm, have had a very different experience since March 2020.

DS rarely sees anyone outside of school as he isn’t involved in any clubs as he’s not sporty. We have 9 week summer holidays here and he’s seen 2 different boys on two occasions during the last 5 weeks. He stays in the study and plays on his tech stuff and struggles to have a normal conversation.

Sadly, he is not at all unusual.

@HopeHappy

YANBU OP. We are planning our wedding and have family members that are likely to scarper as soon as they can (social anxiety issues). We're not keen to be spending £150 a head if they decide they can't face the meal.

Don't get me wrong, we realise it's not their cup of tea but I'd much prefer them to say "thanks so much for the invite, we'd love to come see you get married, but we won't stay", rather than just nip out leaving a gap in the table plan, us paying for food that goes to waste, for a space that could have been filled by people who would have enjoyed it.

@bagpuss90 - is there another teenager/child coming that might be grateful of an offer to bring a friend? No money "wasted" and less awkward than trying to find a second-rung adult that wouldn't be offended by the last minute invite?

Why don’t you go to them and say this? Say welcome to just come for the service and then go? It’ll save your and their anxiety on the day thinking to the point of leaving.

Good idea re friend of existing attendee. The idea of ‘promoted’ irritates me. I love the weddings where it’s just all attendees experiencing all parts of it.

I’ve been a last minute +1 before and wasn’t at all offended at being asked at short notice. Had a lovely time.

I’m on the reserve +1 list for a wedding in a couple of weeks where there just wasn’t quite room for all, but a a couple of people can no longer make it. So hoping to go to that one too.

teenagers are mortifying to bring up and make behave well IMHO, i often need forgiveness and understanding for the awful things mine have done, really hope i don't get judged too harshly!

at my wedding 15 years ago we had 2 sets of no-shows, both middle aged "respecatble" couples, one whose daughter and family were already there and she was so embarrassed by their behaviour.
the other actually rang to say they couldn't come, 10 minutes after the ceremony was meant to start. she was so appalled that the bride herself (me) had answered the phone!
I let it slide a la ducks back and it's on them really isn't it, don't let it spoil your day, agree with pps about potential ways to make lemonade out of this situation.

We had a family of four just not turn up to our wedding. The parents were former work colleagues . Not a word before or after. Cheers for that Janice

Agree with the poster who said don’t last minute invite people.

I was bridesmaid for someone who had two guests drop out (due to illness) and they phoned two of evening guests - based on their proximity too as they had about two hours notice - and ‘upgraded’ them. It was so cringey and I was embarassed on their behalf.

My mam was invited at the last minute to one of my best friend's weddings due to a drop out. She was coming to the evening do anyway but was over the moon to come to the daytime do. She wasn't at all expecting to be invited to the daytime do anyway so it was just a nice added bonus for her. She had a fantastic time.

We’ve been bumped up from evening guests before, we had a great day!

Very rude of the guests.

[quote Killahangilion]@Abraxan
Teens that age have been in school mixing with people close quarters for several months this. Every teen I know that kind of age have been seeing friends, not hiding away since March.

Lucky you!
I’m guessing you live in a town or a city because the teens living rurally, but not on a farm, have had a very different experience since March 2020.

DS rarely sees anyone outside of school as he isn’t involved in any clubs as he’s not sporty. We have 9 week summer holidays here and he’s seen 2 different boys on two occasions during the last 5 weeks. He stays in the study and plays on his tech stuff and struggles to have a normal conversation.

Sadly, he is not at all unusual.[/quote]
Whilst I do live in a city not all the teens I know do.

I am sorry your ds is struggling. I hope they get the support they need to overcome their struggles.

I've already responded to a comment regarding this and no, when it comes to covid and the pandemic I am not overly lucky. If you'd read my respond you'll see that actually the past 16 months has been somewhat of a nightmare for me (and my family) and it's not been a walk in the park. Infact it's been the worst period of my life and my mental health is pretty rubbish at times now, as well as my actual only social health.

I'd also like to point out that the OP has no reason to believe the teens involved have any issues regarding anxiety, although that could be the case. In which case it would have been better if the family had let the bride and groom know there were reasons, rather than just bailing out at a potential lost cost of £140 for the couple.

And I'm also not the only poster to comment on this.

It is annoying - tricky if teenagers are being like that though. The money is spent regardless of whether they go or not so it doesn't really matter now. And would you really want people at your wedding who don't want to be there? Their parents probably had the best intentions and then the teenagers have thrown a strop

We had this happen at our wedding - four drop-outs a few days before at £150 per head. Also had other cheeky instances such as one guest (not family) asking me to ring the wedding venue (she was staying overnight) to ask them to waive the early check-in fee as I would have more sway as the bride!(I hardly know this woman!) and also a second cousin whom I have met precisely 5 times in my life asking if her dd's bf could come along too (everyone who came was invited to the whole thing as it was a 90minute drive from our hometown).
At the time I was really annoyed but I honestly don't think most people realise how much money and effort goes into planning a big wedding - especially if their own wedding was a buffet-in-the-village-hall type affair (and I don't mean that in a snotty way - I've been to some great weddings of all types and budgets).

The main thing is to enjoy your day - everything gets stressful in the run up and small things seem magnified - don't fall out with people over what is essentially a small amount of money.

We had a couple turn up to our wedding with their three kids (two teens, one adult!) in tow! They weren’t invited. It was astonishing. They were then aghast that their uninvited ‘children’ had nowhere to sit. Except I created them somewhere and the chef managed to cobble something together.

I don’t know if it’s just insane entitlement or sheer ignorance of etiquette and social norms. We had a free bar and the adult child got so drunk he passed out on the sofas and shat himself. True story. It was widely thought he was dead at one point but no, just stupefied drunk.

Definitely don't waste the money/meal. Two of DH's twatty mates decided two days before our wedding not to bring their partners and have a lads day 🙄 I asked my photographer and celebrant if they'd like to stay for dinner and they were delighted! They had a great time at the table too so ended up working out perfectly.

We had several guests pull out at the last minute when my DH and I got married, though that was down to illness and not rudeness. One family had to pull out because of flu (one of them was an usher) along with another friend and her DH (she was heavily pregnant as well).

We did invite another family from my church; they had been evening guests, and were delighted to be invited to the whole thing. (There we’re several church friends who had only been invited to the evening reception due to numbers and they had all been very understanding about it.)

Your friends’ DSs have been rude, OP, and at 15 and 17 they are old enough to know better. Unless their parents accepted on their behalf without consulting them, but surely if that were the case, they could have declined long ago. Leaving it to the last minute is very bad form IMO.

@clickychicky

Rude. But better than having two sulky teenagers there.

How? How is it better for OP to be out £140. Fuck that.

@Gooseberrypies she would be down by £140 but they'd be there and eating the food and being miserable. If you're lucky the staff might cook their meals anyway and someone can have seconds/more wine all round.