Or is this just so bloody rude

[bagpuss90]

My daughter is getting married on Saturday. We got a text yesterday to say one couple will now not be bringing their teenage kids along . The kids are not ill , they are not in isolation- apparently they just “don’t fancy it” . We will still have to pay for them - it’s too late to really invite anyone else . It’s £70 per head . Am I being unreasonable to think they should decided this before they accepted the invite ?

[bagpuss90]

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie
Not family - and we don’t have any issues thank u

[HopeHappy]

YANBU OP. We are planning our wedding and have family members that are likely to scarper as soon as they can (social anxiety issues). We're not keen to be spending £150 a head if they decide they can't face the meal.

Don't get me wrong, we realise it's not their cup of tea but I'd much prefer them to say "thanks so much for the invite, we'd love to come see you get married, but we won't stay", rather than just nip out leaving a gap in the table plan, us paying for food that goes to waste, for a space that could have been filled by people who would have enjoyed it.

@bagpuss90 - is there another teenager/child coming that might be grateful of an offer to bring a friend? No money "wasted" and less awkward than trying to find a second-rung adult that wouldn't be offended by the last minute invite?

[Abraxan]

@Clutterbugsmum

A lot of teenagers are struggling to get back to 'normal' events because for the last 18 months.

Regardless, IF they had originally said yes then at 15 and 17 they are old enough to get on with it.

Teens that age have been in school mixing with people close quarters for several months this. Every teen I know that kind of age have been seeing friends, not hiding away since March.

Even if struggling, then they will be with their parents in a fairly safe environment. Or the parent could have explained this to the couple when cancelling.


Obviously if the parent hasn't asked the teens in advance things are slightly different, although even then it's no harm in teens still being expected to do some events/activities just because it's the right thing to do as a family. Depending on the relationship with the bridal couple then it may be that it should just be an expectation they will be there - and IMO that's perfectly fine too. There are some people who dd would have just be expected to be there for.



However, it's done now.

I would invite an extra couple to take their place. If you explain the circumstances I'm sure there will be someone happy to take their place next weekend.

Might make the table discussion a bit interesting when they all get talking about who they know at the wedding, 'why' they are invited etc.

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

@bagpuss90

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie
Not family - and we don’t have any issues thank u

In that case, relax a bit and just make a couple of phone calls. It's not worth your fury.

[Constellation89]

YANBU. It's rude of them. I'd definitely reply and mention the fact that you still have to pay for their place.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Teens that age have been in school mixing with people close quarters for several months this. Every teen I know that kind of age have been seeing friends, not hiding away
since March

Bully for you. Aren’t you the lucky one? My teen has still got significant anxiety after lockdown. She won’t meet her friends. She is slowly improving, but l had to spend an hour gently persuading her into a shoe shop after her trainers fell apart. Lockdown and Teams lessons absolutely shot down all her confidence.

But you don’t know any teens like this, so none of them are affected.

[bagpuss90]

aiwblam You pay per head

[WomanStanleyWoman]

I’d not reply with anything rude or else that’ll be all of them not attending!

Would that be such a bad thing? I’d happily ditch all four of them and, if the venue won’t refund you for the cost per head, ask if you can put that money towards the drinks budget instead. I’d rather have extra champagne than the kind of guests who think it’s okay to say ‘We’re coming, but the kids can’t be arsed’.

[bagpuss90]

I agree not the end of the world. We are looking at what we can do. Who else to invite . We aren’t loaded and to potentially pay for two people that won’t be there is irritating. Of course it won’t spoil the day-but in my book manners cost nothing

[Abraxan]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Teens that age have been in school mixing with people close quarters for several months this. Every teen I know that kind of age have been seeing friends, not hiding away
since March

Bully for you. Aren’t you the lucky one? My teen has still got significant anxiety after lockdown. She won’t meet her friends. She is slowly improving, but l had to spend an hour gently persuading her into a shoe shop after her trainers fell apart. Lockdown and Teams lessons absolutely shot down all her confidence.

But you don’t know any teens like this, so none of them are affected.

I'm sorry your teen is struggling. That isn't good and I hope they can start to get help for it.

However you must also know that most teens aren't suffering in this way - fortunately. Whilst I don't know any I am obviously aware some might, but reality is most aren't - again, fortunately.

As said - if they are struggling then the parent could have let the bridal couple know, at least in vague terms, and then I'm sure the OP wouldn't be posting in this way and people would respond differently.

And no, I'm not overly the lucky one when it comes to,covid and the pandemic. This,past 16 months has been an utter nightmare with three close family death,s being vulnerable, initially having to,shield, catching covid at work, being rushed to hospital alone with dangerous complications, having a lengthy recovery, and a whole host of other issues.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Yeah, l let my bride know more daughter was struggling. She was fine.

[Abraxan]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Yeah, l let my bride know more daughter was struggling. She was fine.

I'm glad it worked out and I genuinely hope your daughter gets better as time goes on. It's been a very difficult time for many people.

[bagpuss90]

Just for the record I’m pretty sure these two who’ve bailed out, don’t have anxiety. They are very much out there

[LauraFlashley]

Something very similar happened to me but it wasn't our wedding. I let my friend know how disappointed I was. My Dad was dying and I was quite stressed. She never spoke to me again.

I wouldn't reply and I wouldn't invite them to anything again.

How easy would it be to invite someone else? Is that an option?

Alternatively, could you let it go but keep the table plan the same and leave those seats empty with their names? If you have a good friend sitting next to them, could you get them to broach it? Tell them the meal was £70 per head? I would do it if you were my friend!!!

[LauraFlashley]

@WomanStanleyWoman

I’d not reply with anything rude or else that’ll be all of them not attending!

Would that be such a bad thing? I’d happily ditch all four of them and, if the venue won’t refund you for the cost per head, ask if you can put that money towards the drinks budget instead. I’d rather have extra champagne than the kind of guests who think it’s okay to say ‘We’re coming, but the kids can’t be arsed’.

I'd be happy to ditch all four of them as well depending on who they are!

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

This is really annoying and rude @bagpuss90. I had this happen at my wedding. For the next one, so traumatised was I that I organised a buffet, so it wasn't an issue. This doesn't help you, but it illustrates how feckin annoyed I was.

I might be inclined to ask a B list couple who are more easygoing, and come clean with them. Is there anyone who would be ok and not be offended?

[FreezerBird]

Just to say, I wouldn't worry too much about people feeling put out by being masked at the last minute.

We had people cancel at the last minute because of illness and I phoned a couple of colleagues (as in, they were a couple) who lived close to me the night before the wedding to ask if they fancied it. It was completely obvious that I was asking them primarily because they were local enough for it not to be a massive mission for them.

Made it very clear that it was all pretty informal and they didn't need to worry about what they were wearing etc etc.

They came, and had an absolute blast - still mention years later how much fun they had at their last-minute wedding attendance.

[Mammyloveswine]

We had similar at our wedding..I asked my sister in laws parents if they'd like to come along (they were picking up my nephews from the evening do) they readily accepted and it was actually lovely that my sister in law could relax and my in laws didn't feel like they had to help with childcare on the day!

It is rude tho at such short notice!!

We actually had 2 people not turn nor message us! That was most hurtful!

[LocalHobo]

So rude and unthinking of them.
I suspect they are the sort of people who never host events and therefore don't realise the implications of cost etc. What chance have these teens got of growing up as polite and thoughtful members of society?

[Foobydoo]

@Nicolastuffedone

Very bad manners. Personally, I’d hate to be invited to a wedding at such notice simply to make up numbers! Why wasn’t I good enough to be on the guest list before!

I think this depends though, a close friend you would have a point. Janet and john who you chat to down the pub once a month but don't have a relationship outside that or one of your daughters friends parents not so much.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Very bad manners, OP. Sadly too many kids seem to be taught very little in the way of acceptable manners now. And especially annoying at £70 a pop.

Isn’t there anyone else you could offer the places to? I was once an ‘afterthought’ at a wedding of a dd’s friend who I knew very well. She was very apologetic but as nearly always, the original numbers were limited and someone had pulled out. I wasn’t in the least offended.

[CitrusIceCream]

I had an email a couple of days before a wedding (to which I was an invited evening guest) saying...”Some of the people we’d felt obligated to invite to the ceremony now aren’t coming...which means we can happily invite some of our actual friends! Are you up for it?”

Which, of course, I was 😊

People do understand about number constraints so you probably could fill the spare places without insulting anyone.

[AngeloMysterioso]

Not that it makes any difference but this really bugs me whenever I see it…

Invite - verb
Invitation - noun

[BSideBaby]

Hopefully they will give a really generous gift to make up for it

£140 and a sincere apology would be a start. Not great to let teenagers think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

[nanbread]

Has the bride a groom made any new friends recently? Maybe invite them.