Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this just so bloody rude

238 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/08/2021 07:48

My daughter is getting married on Saturday. We got a text yesterday to say one couple will now not be bringing their teenage kids along . The kids are not ill , they are not in isolation- apparently they just “don’t fancy it” . We will still have to pay for them - it’s too late to really invite anyone else . It’s £70 per head . Am I being unreasonable to think they should decided this before they accepted the invite ?

OP posts:
Endoftether2000 · 04/08/2021 19:08

This happened to me two family members ditched last minute. I had a lovely ex work colleague, who I bumped into randomly pre my wedding. I explained the situation and said if she wanted to, I would love her to come it would be great,if she wanted a free feed. Her and her husband were over the moon to come 👍and had a fantastic time x

Greensmurf1 · 04/08/2021 19:14

We had a no show at our wedding. Zero explanation. Not even an advance warning to say they weren't coming after they'd RSVP'd to say they'd attend. It was a small wedding on a tight budget, and I am still a bit annoyed nearly 10 years later. Some people have no consideration for the stress, expense and diplomatic balancing acts involved in planning a wedding. Sounds like these guests should know better.

memberofthewedding · 04/08/2021 19:17

who wants to know they are a third-rate guest invite

I dont think it has to look that way. Perhaps OP has a single invitee who could bring a friend or partner. It would not be the first time someone was asked to "make up the numbers" for a social occasion.

msgreen · 04/08/2021 19:25

Piss poor , its the height of bad manners ,dump them as friends
the kids aren't to blame the parents brought them up !!!

Clymene · 04/08/2021 19:32

It's very rude. I think your daughter should definitely contact a couple of evening guests to ask if they can go to the whole thing.

Most people (unless they're utterly clueless) understand that there has to be limits on daytime numbers for cost reasons.

wookneecorn · 04/08/2021 19:36

Are you sure the couple didn't accept the invitations on behalf of the teenagers, tried to persuade them into accepting, and realised their persuasions weren't working so assumed a week before was the latest they could text.

MrsMaizel · 04/08/2021 19:44

Covid gives you a good excuse to invite other people - it has limited wedding numbers initially and I'm sure there would be people happy to fill a space.

Ddot · 04/08/2021 19:49

Can I come 😉

Cameleongirl · 04/08/2021 20:04

My Dad bailed out of my friend's wedding years ago, I was so embarrassed as it was £50 a head and we (DH and I) had paid for his accommodation. He didn't have a good reason, just didn't fancy making the drive. Angry

My friend asked a work colleague to come instead, she was tactful and said they'd originally had to limit the numbers to family and old friends, but as my Dad was "unwell" and unable to attend, would he like to come ? He was delighted! I think your DD should do something similar. Have a wonderful day on Saturday!

museumum · 04/08/2021 20:07

I suspect they’ve kicked off big time and are refusing to go. Yes the parents could force them but the whole thing then would be purgatory for all involved.
Almost every teen in my extended family has skipped a family Xmas or wedding at some point due to general teenagerness. We all appreciate that sometimes it’s best for everyone to let the teen have a pass once or twice.

msgreen · 04/08/2021 20:17

Second thought , could it be they can't afford wedding outfit for teens
maybe they are jeans and hoodie only .

SRS29 · 04/08/2021 20:26

OP decent people understand the cost of weddings so I would invite someone who are coming for the evening and explain, I am sure they would understand and jump at the opportunity x

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/08/2021 20:39

I know the feeling. My one DD, then 17, last minute refused to leave for airport and attend family wedding in China. After all plane tickets, hotel, everything arranged and paid for...gone up in smoke. And then she had complaints about not seeing her uncles, aunties and cousins.

Sometimes teenagers can make big mistakes. Please don’t blame the parents though. We can’t actually physically force them if they seriously decide not to go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2021 20:41

I hope the parents 'just don't fancy it' when the DC want something

Since it's not family, this is why I'd uninvite the lot of them - with someone as rude as this I'd say there's every chance the above could happen

TheCupboardOfChaos · 04/08/2021 20:52

OP, this is bad manners, and their parents ought to be telling them so. I have teenagers, and the one thing I insist on in a sea of awfulness is good manners towards other people.

I would like to know, though, why they were invited to this particular wedding? How are they related to your daughter or future son in law?

surreygirl1987 · 04/08/2021 21:09

Terribly rude. I had a couple of my friends drop out on the day! They didn't seem to realise that it would cost me anything or that it would affect anything (they happened to be on the smallest table, and I didn't have time to rearrange the seating plan, so that table ended up half the size of the others).

Definitely ask if anyone would like to bring a +1 etc. I personally would be quite nervous going to a wedding on my own if I didn't know that many people and would love to bring someone! I hated being the only single person at some weddings I went to (before I met my husband) and would have loved to being a friend along.

BrandNewHeretic · 04/08/2021 21:13

I had this at my wedding too. I had very restricted numbers, and many of my cousins didn't bring partners (it was explained why and they were very understanding) then when people pulled out I was able to offer plus ones, which they were happy about but it was clear they weren't an after thought. Is that something that could work? Asking someone if they'd now like a bring a plus one might go down better than inviting someone completely out of it last minute where it does look like an afterthought

Mummyto2rugrats · 04/08/2021 21:39

That is just so rude to say just a few days before! I would be upset.

We have just been asked if we would like to attend a wedding as a few guests live away and now can't make it, I was honoured we aren't invited to the night and know the parents not the people getting married that we'll, but we politely declined because of work its not a weekend wedding and I have used all of my leave. They were honest as to why which I liked and didn't feel offended about at all, I get it the food has been paid for and rather than pay and it not be eaten they would rather have friendly faces.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/08/2021 23:34

Please do and try and fill the spaces....

It's all about how you ask as others upthread have said.... Not we're upgrading you as 2 snotty kids dropped outGrin... I'd present it as... Things have changed slightly and we'd love to have you if you could come to the wedding breakfast...

I've been a plus one and last minute invitee ... It was fab and very pleased to have been asked!

Mamanyt · 05/08/2021 01:15

YANBU. That said, it is possible that the teens did not make it known that they would not go until very recently. Teens are like that. And, having reared two of the malevolent little gargoyles, I can tell you from personal experience that you are coming out far cheaper paying that extra than putting up with two surly teens.

Tiggy321 · 05/08/2021 08:09

Very very rude. When we got married, initially we didn’t have space to invite 2 teens of cousins. They made a fuss and we squeezed them in. And then on the day they didn’t turn up. Was sooooo angry as it cost us money. Suffice to say haven’t spoken to them since (20 years ago!!)

joles12 · 05/08/2021 08:30

I went to see an old friend get married at the local church once and she asked if I would like to stay for the reception as she had a space - was very happy to go, wouldn’t have expected an invite - by mid 20s there are some people you are in touch with and some less so, weddings are hard on numbers. Think if you frame it right, you can add plus ones or friends.

valnevavaxx · 05/08/2021 09:06

I can't believe anyone would seriously take offence to a last minute invite like this. Lighten up.

slipperandtherose · 05/08/2021 09:09

the thing with teenagers is... it's complex and it's very difficult for the parents... when teens have issues/anxieties (including social etc) - the parents owe it to their teens to honour their privacy about their situation before being very truthful to whoever this may affect... it really could be that one of the teens has a genuine reason to feel that they just can't attend... and the sibling then feels completely awkward about attending without their 'back-up'. Hence neither now can attend... trust me I have been in similar situations and it is excruciating letting people down, especially at the last minute, without being able to tell them the real reason why... I'm sure I've sounded flakey and uncaring at times... but I have had to put their welfare first at certain times. So I guess I'm just saying that sometimes all is not as it might seems...

SprayedWithDettol · 05/08/2021 09:14

I wouldn’t upgrade an evening invite. It’s just as rude IMO.

I would leave the seating plan as is and let the parents explain why there are empty seats. Why should they get away with appalling rude behaviour?