Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked in on partner

191 replies

POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:23

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 16:25

Yanbu

If he’s well enough to have sex with you then he’s definitely well enough to be out of bed parenting his children. Is he always this lazy?

Starlight86 · 02/08/2021 16:27

Ahhhhh its a tricky one isnt it.

3 babies in so i know how the tiredness is so absolutely no judgement here but im of the opinion that if you are declining sex then he has the right to pleasure himself whenever, id be more worried if he was not wanting sex with you and making up excuses then doing it if you get me.

My husband does it, probably most days lol but we have 3 young kids and im tired so it helps me out a little.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 16:28

Would you have minded if he'd just been wanking but not watching porn?

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/08/2021 16:28

This wouldnt bother me at all....i love sex with my partner but also love some solo fun where i can be completely selfish...pretty sure my partner feels the same.

MissConductUS · 02/08/2021 16:28

I would probably cut him some slack. At least he's not pestering you for sex.

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:30

To be honest no, he's not usually lazy at all and he has been genuinely quite unwell with Covid, we joked last week during sex that we'd better be quick with it as he had no energy.

I really can't decide if it's that I'm annoyed about or the fact that he's clearly getting off watching other girls on his phone whilst I'm still in a post baby haze and my self esteem is at rock bottom.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 16:30

Your partner masturbating is none of your business, but I would be quite annoyed that he wasn't smart enough to properly close the door.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2021 16:31

I woildnt be bothered about the masturbation, but the fact that the little one could have walked in is unacceptable.

Also, if he is feeling better then he needs to come help out and save his solo time for later.

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:31

That's the thing though, I'm not declining sex.
It used to be every day, obviously don't have time for that post baby and now it's a couple of times per week but o at the last 2-3 weeks just once per week I'd say.

OP posts:
SamVimes6 · 02/08/2021 16:32

I’d be tempted to think if he’s well enough to manage a wank, he’s well enough to get up with the kids/pull his weight around the house.

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:34

You're right it isn't my business, but do it when I'm out or when he's in the shower or something.

30 minutes earlier he was asking me for drinks, up and down those stairs all flipping morning!

OP posts:
Tal45 · 02/08/2021 16:35

I'd be very angry that your child could have seen but I'd not be angry about the rest. I'd tell him though how you feel and about your low self esteem. You need some love and reassurance which I'm sure he'll be happy to give as it doesn't sound like he's normally such a prick. Communication is so important rather than just being generally upset and angry even if it is understandable to feel that way.

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 16:35

He should shut the door and be quick about it so he can help you.

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 16:36

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

You're right it isn't my business, but do it when I'm out or when he's in the shower or something.

30 minutes earlier he was asking me for drinks, up and down those stairs all flipping morning!

Ah I thought he'd just woken up. Nah he should sort himself out then get up.
WildingFae · 02/08/2021 16:36

Once a day?!?!?! Fuck that.

SirenSays · 02/08/2021 16:41

This wouldn't bother me and I'd rather he be comfortable than locked in the bathroom or something. I'd just tell him to shut the door properly next time.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2021 16:46

Maybe the release of endorphins makes him feel better for a while op

sofiegiraffe · 02/08/2021 16:47

The masturbation wouldn't bother me. But the having you run up and down the stairs to fetch him drinks because he's "ill" would. He's clearly made a recovery so he can get up and help you.

Feelingoktoday · 02/08/2021 16:55

Yep it’s time he got up and helped you now OP.

Strikethrough · 02/08/2021 16:56

I think there's more than one issue at play here, OP.

Firstly, there's the fact that half an hour prior he was presumably pretending to be unwell enough to need you to bring him a drink as he was so incapacitated - which obviously doesn't match up with him feeling up to masturbating thirty minutes later. So he's milking his illness somewhat and rather than using his feeling better to take the load off you a bit he's using it to have a wank. Selfish.

Then there's the issue of him leaving the door open, I can't see how he can possibly justify that Hmm

Then there's the issue of him using porn - which may not be an issue for you in and of itself (it would for me, I'd class it as cheating but I know not everyone thinks about it in the same way) but is clearly (and understandably!) an issue for you under the current post-partum circumstances.

And you not having had "much" sex recently is completely irrelevant, especially if you've not been turning him down. That bit would make me much crosser! My husband didn't expect any sex at all for the first six months, as it was I had a very easy delivery and felt raring to go after six weeks (and I was fortunate that breastfeeding didn't seem to affect my libido). But I'd be most unimpressed by the things he's said after the fact.

MisterMeaner · 02/08/2021 16:59

I suspect you are more bothered by him watching porn than masturbating. (You mention feeling "frumpy" etc.) I can relate to this. It's demoralising when you think your partner is getting turned on by a woman / women with a body that you can never hope to achieve. It really and genuinely can affect your self-esteem. You need to have a proper conversation about how it makes you feel, so that he knows he needs to work with you on your self-esteem and body image. I'm sure he prefers the real, warm, soft you to impossible women on a screen, but he needs to communicate this to you and build you up instead of making excuses for perving over porn.

puffyisgood · 02/08/2021 17:02

5:30am [if i'm reading your posts correctly] doesn't strike me as an indencently long lie-in for someone [apparently] recovering from Covid.

The odd wank is hardly a crime but porn isn't really a great habit - perhaps, with his agreement, you could switch your ISP porn filter on?

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 17:04

Strike Through - you've hit the nail on the head.
There's a few issues and I think it's a combination of all of them that are getting to me.

I don't love the idea of him watching porn but I appreciate most men watch it, id just rather he was more subtle with it.
I've seen it on his phone and iPad in the past and I just think you're not a teenager boy, you're a grown man 🙄

Just to be clear the door was open as that's how I left it the last time I left the room, he'd not got up to purposefully open the door if you see what I mean.

The self esteem is a huge issue, I'm usually a slim size 8-10 and this time the weight loss is slow and there's a way to go, boobs have sagged with breast feeding etc.
Couldn't feel less like me if I tried and we've talked about this, he knows how I feel.

He wouldn't have done this if he'd have known he'd "get caught" so to speak but once seen I can't unsee it and I can't change how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 17:07

Puffy - completely agree 5 isn't a lie in!
I just mean I've done every get up for the last few weeks and combining that with a baby that still up every 1.5-2 hours all night every night I'm just exhausted and he knows that.
I don't begrudge him the time in bed when he's unwell just to be clear.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 02/08/2021 17:15

He isn't as ill as he is making out. Stop getting up early with the children and make him do it again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread