Walked in on partner

[POSITIVETHOUGHTSS]

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

I do not think we should be bashing the male contributor here. He has acknowledged that porn is a contentious issue and that the negative aspects of it on those who are participants in these videos are unacceptable. He has even suggested that this discussion might make him rethink his viewing of porn; which is good.

I am very anti-porn, both because of its exploitative nature and its influence on those who watch it, especially young people. It can also have a destructive effect on relationships, often meaning that men make demands on their partners that the partner is not happy with - this can become a running sore in what was before a happy relationship.

I do not think that the OP should be worried about the fact that her OH masturbates; but the fact that he watches porn, fails to help her when he can see she is stressed and does not recognise the need for him to do this in private - these are the things that are a cause for concern.

The argument that porn use is common does not validate it: lots of people do lots of negative things - that does not make them right.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

The confidence of a man to enter the conversation and tell women why, despite the fact he agrees with the dangers and understands where our concerns lie, we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold.

Yup. And his first post on the thread began, rather gratingly, “Male Perspective here”. Stand aside ladies, you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you.

Calm the gaslighting please 'Stand aside ladies, you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you.' @TheWayTheLightFalls these are your words not mine

'we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold. It’s breathtaking.' @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken again these are your words - not something I've said or implied.

Stop putting words in my mouth.

These are terrible things to say and it's you shouldn't trivialise someone's opinion because of their gender.

Here are some of your highlights @mancdaduk

Male Perspective here:

If you give someone a hard time about the porn or this stuff, he will just keep it secret. Better to just accept

Actually surprised at how many comments on this thread are out of touch with reality

Most guys I know get the the odd hand job during a massage

a lot of people make bad decisions because of their sex drives.

As @TheFoundations has said, we get it, porn is bad but not as important as your little fella.
Thanks for the insight

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Here are some of your highlights *@mancdaduk*

Male Perspective here:

If you give someone a hard time about the porn or this stuff, he will just keep it secret. Better to just accept

Actually surprised at how many comments on this thread are out of touch with reality

Most guys I know get the the odd hand job during a massage

a lot of people make bad decisions because of their sex drives.

As @TheFoundations has said, we get it, porn is bad but not as important as your little fella.
Thanks for the insight

You're quickly moving on from your early comments!

You've quoted me a bit out of context, but these none of those things are untrue in my experience. I do think men generally hide a lot from their partners because they don't feel comfortable discussing it.

"Actually surprised at how many comments on this thread are out of touch with reality" Just to add context - I was referring to some replies suggesting it's not common for people to look at pornography.

Again just because it's common doesn't mean it right.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken again with the gaslighting and personal attacks because of my gender.

Calm the gaslighting please

Firstly, it’s sex not gender.

Secondly, it’s interesting that “here I am with a Male Perspective” is somehow acceptable to you, but pointing out that your comments are, in the view of several posters on here, ill-informed, irrelevant or misogynistic, is “gaslighting”. Funny that. If you’re feeling gaslit perhaps this isn’t the forum for you.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

Calm the gaslighting please

Firstly, it’s sex not gender.

Secondly, it’s interesting that “here I am with a Male Perspective” is somehow acceptable to you, but pointing out that your comments are, in the view of several posters on here, ill-informed, irrelevant or misogynistic, is “gaslighting”. Funny that. If you’re feeling gaslit perhaps this isn’t the forum for you.

“here I am with a Male Perspective” You are putting a lot of words in my mouth again.

You can see my first reply and it was just my honest opinion.

You and a couple of posters keep replying and then suggesting I've said something terrible like this: 'Stand aside ladies, you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you.'

These are your words, this is gaslighting. Your post above and say that I've said that, even though I didn't and then with circular reasoning you suggest something you wrote "misogynistic"

You are the one mentioning males, men, gender and sex not me.

Anyway - just remembered no.1 rule of the internet - don't feed the trolls.

I think that if the male contributor hadn't swanned in announcing his penis, and telling everybody what's what, his posts would not be being criticised so much.

It's not the fact that he's male that's causing the problem; it's the fact that he's telling everyone what's what, and being bemused and calling them deluded when they dispute any nuances of his quotes. Nobody has even disagreed with him.

@mancdaduk

There's quite a few people here all saying the same thing to you.

You might want to look to yourself to find out why that's happening, rather than inferring that everyone who says those things is a troll.

[quote TheFoundations]@mancdaduk

There's quite a few people here all saying the same thing to you.

You might want to look to yourself to find out why that's happening, rather than inferring that everyone who says those things is a troll.[/quote]
He knows why, horrible, mean women gaslighting the poor gentleman who is only trying to educate us
🙄🤣

I'm a woman and I sometimes 'help myself ' when I can't be bothered with sex or when he is not jn a mood.Sometime I will watch a video or two to get it done faster.Its a stress reliese thing...like having a toast when you are hungry but can't be arsed to cook or wait for a meal.I think women make too much of a fuss around porn or masturbation and more often than not it isn't about him but about you feeling jelous of women he is looking at or unattractive etc.Its just a wank ffs

I think women make too much of a fuss around porn or masturbation and more often than not it isn't about him but about you feeling jelous of women he is looking at or unattractive etc.Its just a wank ffs

Porn and masturbation are not the same thing. It's very insulting to suggest that women who are against porn are jealous of the women in the videos, and shows a very poor understanding of what's happening. You're really saying that women who are against porn wish that they could be victims of the violence and degradation of women within the industry.

Do you genuinely think that the only reason women are against porn is because they think the women in the videos are more attractive than they are?!

I have heard this problem from many friends and I used to be this woman myself.So yes quite often it is reflection of the state ones mind is in.Besides it isn't as simple as that.To assume that none of the women in porn are there for their own reasons and their own will is simplistic. There are women who are stay at home mums because they want to without being forced,there are women who like to dress up ,shave their legs etc because they want to,and there are women who are in porn because it pays well and perhaps they enjoy sex.You might be right, but to say all porn is bad is just silly.Women are capable of making their own decisions without always being victims.Would it change the writers feeling if he was watching gay porn?I doubt it.

@Aggy35

Nobody said all porn is bad, so that whole post isn't relevant. The fact is that there's a lot of exploitation in the porn industry, and since it's not possible to tell which are the 'good' examples and which are the 'bad' examples, by partaking, you buy into the exploitation.

And yes, it's still valid for gay porn/male porn.

Honestly it wouldn't bother me, I masturbate too. Masturbtion doesn't replace sex for me and frankly after recent DC I'd rather DH masturbated than pestered me for sex. But I think he should've locked himself in the bathroom.

YANBU but neither is he.
You are entitled to feel how you are but he is entitled to masturbate and that's nothing to do with you.

He could have been embarrassed so using excuses as a defence mechanism