Walked in on partner

[POSITIVETHOUGHTSS]

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

@mancdaduk

Going to leave this here. I'm was just trying to share a male perspective and the experiences of the people I know.

Plus some widely accepted and documented facts -

Couple of comments on this threat concern me, especially regarding some particularly negative views about masturbation. Something which is completely natural and well documented to be a good way to manage a sex drive and promote a healthy prostrate.

Just because you don't have the same sex drive doesn't mean you need to try and dictate what another person does.

Agree porn is mostly bad and I'll be educated my child about it early so he can avoid it's harmful influence. Because I know he will be exposed to it before high schoo.

I'm a man, middle aged with a very high drive. Unlike yourself I don't sneak off to the toilet to pull my pee pee. 😂😂

@TheFoundations

getting a lot of cognitive dissonance vibes to the replies

Getting a lot of passive aggressive vibes from this.

I see where you're getting your info. Documentaries on the telly, Tik Tok, Snapchat, and a rat study.

These are not viable cross sections of society. They are a particular slice of a particular kind of person, and clearly the kind of person you are, since you don't seem to think that any other kind of person exists.

I have no point to prove here, as a gay woman, about men and porn. I don't know the stats any better than you do. The difference is, I'm not pretending I know stuff because I have eyes and I saw it on telly. Your eyes saw what you chose to look at. Your TV programmes had a target audience. And you think that's a broad base of knowledge.

I get what your saying about bias.

I really can't speak for any women that I've most guys talk openly about porn and for me I thought it was widely accepted as a bit of hidden but wide spread thing that happens. -

Personally it makes me uncomfortable when some random guy I met at work shows me a weird video - but guys are weird!

I wish there was a dadsnet to be honest, but it would be full of football, porn and single emoji conversations. I do find this forum helpful - especially for parenting.

I guess I'm just frustrated by the lack of awareness and some of the comments (not OP post) -

I just don't think suggesting having a confrontation about porn, when it's something that's never been discussed in the relationship before - is fair on the guy.

Especially for a family with children - could lead to divorce or damage to the relationship over something that was never agreed in the relationships.

What if his sexuality is different or he was just really frustrated.
I'm bisexual and this is the case for me.

Maybe shaming the guy isn't the best approach.

I just think the guy should have locked the door and been a bit more private.

@Strikethrough

I think there's more than one issue at play here, OP.

Firstly, there's the fact that half an hour prior he was presumably pretending to be unwell enough to need you to bring him a drink as he was so incapacitated - which obviously doesn't match up with him feeling up to masturbating thirty minutes later. So he's milking his illness somewhat and rather than using his feeling better to take the load off you a bit he's using it to have a wank. Selfish.

Then there's the issue of him leaving the door open, I can't see how he can possibly justify that

Then there's the issue of him using porn - which may not be an issue for you in and of itself (it would for me, I'd class it as cheating but I know not everyone thinks about it in the same way) but is clearly (and understandably!) an issue for you under the current post-partum circumstances.

And you not having had "much" sex recently is completely irrelevant, especially if you've not been turning him down. That bit would make me much crosser! My husband didn't expect any sex at all for the first six months, as it was I had a very easy delivery and felt raring to go after six weeks (and I was fortunate that breastfeeding didn't seem to affect my libido). But I'd be most unimpressed by the things he's said after the fact.

Cheating? Watching porn?!?!?!?! Hahahahaa! 😂😂😂😂😂 Don't be so utterly ridiculous!! Every single sexually active man (& the vast majority of women) on the PLANET watches porn! Any man who attempts to deny it is an outright liar! Most who are with precious controlling partners who won't 'allow' them though, are pretty good at hiding it!

None of the partners I've had have needed to though, as I have no desire to control the person I love & dictate what he watches! Plus I'm always up for watching it with him....

Cheating! Sorry but that's absolutely hilarious 😂 Certainly wouldn't be sufficient for Divorce on the grounds of adultery, that's for sure. Then you'd really be laughed at!

@mancdaduk

most guys talk openly about porn and for me I thought it was widely accepted as a bit of hidden but wide spread thing that happens

Yes, that's the guys you talk to. It's not a cross section. It's guys like you. Not everybody is like you. The way you view the fact that it's popular is all kinds of screwed. Budweiser is very popular. Do you think most men drink Budweiser? Many do. But there are so many who don't.

'Give in and assume that your man probably drinks Bud' is nonsensical. He may or may not. It's ridiculous to suggest that women must assume that a man drinks Bud and just accept that. Its popularity is not the issue. Her preference is the issue.

You're very good at googling data to prove that 'nearly all men watch porn', and yet you are wishing for the existence of this apparently unknown to you forum:

www.thedadsnet.com/

It wasn't hard to find. Couldn't you have googled that?

@PerciphonePuma

Every single sexually active man (& the vast majority of women) on the PLANET watches porn

You may be in danger of being laughed at yourself.

Cheating? Watching porn?!?!?!?! Hahahahaa! 😂😂😂😂😂 Don't be so utterly ridiculous!! Every single sexually active man (& the vast majority of women) on the PLANET watches porn! Any man who attempts to deny it is an outright liar! Most who are with precious controlling partners who won't 'allow' them though, are pretty good at hiding it

Are you alright? You sound completely hysterical and for what it's worth, totally wrong.

[quote TheFoundations]@mancdaduk

most guys talk openly about porn and for me I thought it was widely accepted as a bit of hidden but wide spread thing that happens

Yes, that's the guys you talk to. It's not a cross section. It's guys like you. Not everybody is like you. The way you view the fact that it's popular is all kinds of screwed. Budweiser is very popular. Do you think most men drink Budweiser? Many do. But there are so many who don't.

'Give in and assume that your man probably drinks Bud' is nonsensical. He may or may not. It's ridiculous to suggest that women must assume that a man drinks Bud and just accept that. Its popularity is not the issue. Her preference is the issue.

You're very good at googling data to prove that 'nearly all men watch porn', and yet you are wishing for the existence of this apparently unknown to you forum:

www.thedadsnet.com/

It wasn't hard to find. Couldn't you have googled that?[/quote]
I know about Dadsnet - it's not that active and most pages don't work. I was trying lighten the topic - because men don't talk about the same topics as mums net.

Tbh if you think porn use of some sort is not wide spread in men - maybe your deluded.

That's the only point I've be making - it's common for men to look at porn. If you think otherwise, you really don't know anything about men.

@PerciphonePuma glad someone else actually has a touch on reality.

But your right, some of the suggestions on this thread are incredibly controlling.

100% normal behaviour. Nothing to do with the OP's condition or feelings on. Probably something he's always done. It's his body and his right.

The mistake he made was not doing this in private.

@mancdaduk

maybe your deluded

Thanks. I hope it's made you feel better to say that. Good luck.

[quote TheFoundations]@mancdaduk

maybe your deluded

Thanks. I hope it's made you feel better to say that. Good luck.[/quote]
Not really - just bemused to be honest.

@mancdaduk

Bemusement doesn't create a need to make insulting inferences. Not for everybody anyway.

@mancdaduk
You’ve shown your arse a bit on this thread. You don’t need to start insulting people on top of it.

I would be annoyed about running about for him and for him not to have closed the door properly if dc could've walked in.

However I wouldn't be annoyed about having a wank. It's natural for both men and women to masturbate.

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@mancdaduk
You’ve shown your arse a bit on this thread. You don’t need to start insulting people on top of it.[/quote]
I said I am bemused (e.g puzzled that some people may think pornography is not widely consumed by men. )

The inferences I've received on this thread have been pretty negative - (e.g I enjoy suffering of others, I've cheated on my wife etc)

I do think some of the suggestions made in these thread are highly controlling and don't respect OP's husbands rights.

I gave my perspective as a male and a few factual sources - to something I felt was fairly widely accepted in my circle of men, and largely the communities I lived in.

I'm well travelled, lived in multiple countries, so I'm not just to talking the same cliquey guys I grew up with. Nor am I saying everyone, just that it is very common.

However, we can all agree. OP's husband should have had more privacy but it's not a reflection on her, he's probably always done that.

OP doesn’t need a male perspective.

She is anti-porn. That’s her boundary. She doesn’t need it explaining by a man why she is wrong to have that boundary.
Many women are of the view that porn is abusive and the addiction to porn has catastrophic ramifications on women and girls. The normalisation of porn is damaging for women and girls.
We don’t need you telling us how it’s perfectly reasonable for a man, who is perfectly aware of the negative impact, still thinks his two minutes sitting on a toilet consuming abusive images in order to achieve sexual gratification is more important than the abuse that is suffered by the women/ girls who are in those images or the women who suffer the consequences.
Your little chap isn’t that important.

She doesn’t need it explaining by a man why she is wrong to have that boundary

Quite. Manc seems to be under the misapprehension that due to the fact that lots of people watch porn, women should just accept that any man they meet does.

It's a good job it's not up to Manc to make the decisions for women, although he does seem to think he's well placed to do so, as the speaker for all men, and primary penis-bearer on the thread.

@TheFoundations

She doesn’t need it explaining by a man why she is wrong to have that boundary

Quite. Manc seems to be under the misapprehension that due to the fact that lots of people watch porn, women should just accept that any man they meet does.

It's a good job it's not up to Manc to make the decisions for women, although he does seem to think he's well placed to do so, as the speaker for all men, and primary penis-bearer on the thread.

I do feel for OP situation, it would be a bit shocking and he should have been more private, I've only suggested it's very common.

Any criticisms I've voice is aim at others replying to suggestions of others on the thread, not the OP. Some of these replies are drawing conclusions that I didn't say or make.

As I've mentioned a few times, just because it's common, doesn't mean it's right. And, I've not once defended porn or it's behavior, just saying it's very common.

Nor am I saying anyone should except it. Clearly many have an anti pornography stance. I'm just suggesting it shouldn't be unexpected and isn't shared by everyone.

Perhaps if the roles where reversed...

Leaving aside the privacy issue and not lock the door.

Would it appropriate for a husband to tell his wife if he can or cannot masturbate? And specify what kind of material she looked at or read?

That kind of behaviour would be quite controlling wouldn't it?

I'm not forcing any opinions on anyone - just sharing mine and add a bit of the balance and to the argument.

The confidence of a man to enter the conversation and tell women why, despite the fact he agrees with the dangers and understands where our concerns lie, we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold.

It’s breathtaking.

I'm not forcing any opinions on anyone

Why do you keep repeating them over and over, then? We get it: porn is common, and nobody should be telling anyone else whether they can masturbate or not. Do you have any other points or are you just going to keep repeating those two until everybody gets bored and leaves?

People generally know that porn is common. People generally know that masturbation is healthy but we have to pick our times an places or else it's inappropriate. People generally know that people shouldn't (have to) tell other people when they can and can't masturbate.

WE GET YOUR POINT.

The fact that you keep saying the same things over and over, when nobody is disputing them, and the fact that you've felt the need to state that you have a penis several times is just making you look more and more clueless.

The confidence of a man to enter the conversation and tell women why, despite the fact he agrees with the dangers and understands where our concerns lie, we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold.

Yup. And his first post on the thread began, rather gratingly, “Male Perspective here”. Stand aside ladies, you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

The confidence of a man to enter the conversation and tell women why, despite the fact he agrees with the dangers and understands where our concerns lie, we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold.

It’s breathtaking.

Yes. It's good that all men are not like this.

He seems to think that his opinions have never been thought of before, and that he's introducing some novel way of thinking to the thread.

No wonder he's bemused by the responses!

@TheWayTheLightFalls

you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you

This was absolutely hilarious; have you any idea what thread it was on? I've never been able to find it again.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

The confidence of a man to enter the conversation and tell women why, despite the fact he agrees with the dangers and understands where our concerns lie, we should suck it up and let males continue to abuse is something to behold.

Yup. And his first post on the thread began, rather gratingly, “Male Perspective here”. Stand aside ladies, you can all stop bashing your tits on the keyboard now, someone with a penis has arrived to clarify things for you.

😂😂👏🏼👏🏼

This was absolutely hilarious; have you any idea what thread it was on? I've never been able to find it again.

Some bloke working in IT decided to start an AMA, if I remember correctly. It went brilliantly.

Wouldn't bother me .. but he should've shut the door