Walked in on partner

[POSITIVETHOUGHTSS]

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

OP,

Obviously he needs to be more discreet.

He needs to start helping out.

You must be completely running on empty, doing it all.

I can well understand your distaste, not to mind the possibility of your son stumbling upon this.

Sorry is just a word, OP. If he never watches porn again, will you a) trust that that is, in fact, the case, and b) be satisfied?

If you don't want a partner who watches porn, then you don't want him. It's your prerogative. You don't need to push yourself to make a decision right now either. You could wait and see how you feel once the dust has settled a bit.

In my case, my husband gave me no doubt to trust him previously, it has wrecked my trust in him (watching porn). I think to myself if I didn't know this was happening for 6 months or so, what else don't I know about. The secrecy aspect has been destructive in my case. It sounds like your partner wasn't too worried about being caught op, which also feels worrying with dc in the house.

My husband also divulged he had been having seedy conversations with other men (presumably who he meets doing his hobby). He was quite careful not to divulge who these men are...yet thinks there's nothing wrong with it (porn). I just don't like this sort of person and maybe my tolerance has become less as I've become older and I'm more choosy who I spend my time with. I certainly now question how well I knew my husband in the first place (and we have been married many, many years) and I didn't sign up for this.

One of my dc could have walked in on him (unlikely - late at night but the risk was still there as the door isn't lockable).

It isn't always as easy as saying leave when there are dc in the picture, certainly not in my case. It isn't what I signed up for. I may well leave eventually, though it will be a good while down the line as I have struggled to reconcile the whole thing and hoping this might change but op might be different as clearly some people don't have an issue with it.

I’d assume a teenage boy might not understand the abuse and duress many of the women and girls in those videos suffer.

I’d assume a teenage boy might not know about the growing addiction to porn many men are suffering from and the repercussions on this addiction on themselves, their relationships and their partners.

I’d expect a fully grown man to have a better under of this.

But they don't. Or else porn wouldn't exist because the above would be deemed unacceptable to anyone with decency. I worry about the next generation (teenage boys) and what they have been exposed to and what their expectations are becoming.

@Robertslane

I’d assume a teenage boy might not understand the abuse and duress many of the women and girls in those videos suffer.

I’d assume a teenage boy might not know about the growing addiction to porn many men are suffering from and the repercussions on this addiction on themselves, their relationships and their partners.

I’d expect a fully grown man to have a better under of this.

But they don't. Or else porn wouldn't exist because the above would be deemed unacceptable to anyone with decency. I worry about the next generation (teenage boys) and what they have been exposed to and what their expectations are becoming.

Oh I absolutely agree.

I was just clarifying to that poster the reason why OP might find it difficult to accept her partner consuming porn and the reason for saying he is “no longer a teenager”

Agree with many points that porn is unhealthy and does lead to issues down the line. Especially in regards to an unrealistic expectations in terms of both looks and actions from partners.

In very rare cases. It can potentially lead to a dangerous path that maybe more extreme material or acting out fantasies with prostitutes. Especially on stag do's or work trips. Most guys I know get the the odd hand job during a massage or do this.

However, some of you are suggesting that you can give an guy an ultimatum to stop. Or 'banning' porn, would just lead to more secrecy or alternative sources like lewd Instagram's or snapchats.

At best, a partner may convince you that he won't. But realistically most adult and teenage males (and some females but judging by this forum not many) routinely look at porn.

I think a better approach would be to encourage open the discussion on it and build some trust both ways on it. At the end of the day, you can't just control someone's sexuality, even if they are your partner.

But maybe a better approach is just turning a blind eye to some things, if you would rather not know. Then having clear boundaries that should not be crossed.

Honestly anything else your just setting yourself up for disappointment and a divorce at the wrong time.

If it is a deal breaker for you . Work on the assumption that most men look at porn and bring it up at the beginning when your dating for a new partner... and see how that goes.

Some of the comments (not OP's concerns) on this thread have a really made me value my relationship with my wife.

Imagine marrying someone who confronts you about masturbating and demands you don't look at any pornographic image of any kind.

Glad my partner accepts me for who I am and wouldn't scarify our relationship over something as petty as this.

All of people suggesting that their partners doesn't look at porn or naughty images - let alone masturbates.

Your in for a massive shock about those long showers and number 2's.

Spoiler: There not number 2's.

Has he seriously spent the past 3 weeks in bed with you running yourself ragged doing everything else? If he’s well enough to wank, he’s well enough to get his lazy arse up and help out! Lying around sick in bed for weeks isn’t a luxury many parents have, we still have to get up and keep our children alive… Unless he’s sick enough to need hospitalisation (which I seriously doubt if he’s still even thinking about wanking) then he can get up and do something once in a while.

I’d be pissed off about the porn and I suspect this is your main issue. It really affects a woman’s self esteem, especially when you’ve recently given birth. It’s a shit habit to get into as well, some men come to rely on it to get off if it becomes an addiction.

Your in for a massive shock about those long showers and number 2's. Spoiler: There not number 2's.

You’re absolutely right about this. My DH used to disappear off for long shits and showers every morning, transpired to be a porn addiction. He doesn’t take his phone into the shower anymore, that’s how he got over it.

In very rare cases. It can potentially lead to a dangerous path that maybe more extreme material or acting out fantasies with prostitutes. Especially on stag do's or work trips. Most guys I know get the the odd hand job during a massage or do this

In very rare cases... but most guys you know pay for sexual favours?

And if you have moral and ethical standards of behaviour you should turn a blind eye to your partner not meeting them?

The 'every man does it and if he says he doesn't he's lying' trope is standard gaslighting stuff. Every man is a unique individual with their own thoughts and opinions and standards. Just like every woman. It's totally unacceptable to make out that anyone who has an issue with pornography should just put up and shut up, that it's inevitable and that people who have boundaries in relation to it are deluded, controlling or anything else.

Pornography harms. Even your standard run of the mill shagging has the significant potential to involve legal and moral consent issues in the production and distribution of it, never mind the effect on those accessing it. So no, I won't be turning a blind eye to it because A Man has said it's ok and everyone does it, his wife allows it, and anyway people do much worse.

something as petty as this........hmm. That is somewhat dismissive of the girls who are forced into being part of porn films against their will, enticed into drug addiction to keep them on board, trafficked etc.

But hey, mancdaduk, let's not spoil your fun.

@mancdaduk

Imagine marrying someone who confronts you about masturbating and demands you don't look at any pornographic image of any kind

That's not what's happening here, though. It's perfectly reasonable for OP to have an issue with her partner using porn. She has no issue with him masturbating. It's the circumstances that are the problem, and reasonably so.

[quote TheFoundations]@mancdaduk

Imagine marrying someone who confronts you about masturbating and demands you don't look at any pornographic image of any kind

That's not what's happening here, though. It's perfectly reasonable for OP to have an issue with her partner using porn. She has no issue with him masturbating. It's the circumstances that are the problem, and reasonably so.[/quote]
Tbh I was referring to the comments made by others. Agreed with OP that the husband should

But, It's a widely accepted that most men watch porn. One survey revealed 3 quarters of men admit to watching it.
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/british-sex-survey-2014-over-three-quarters-men-watch-porn-women-prefer-erotica-9762906.html

And suspect that number is larger ( I mean 130 million people visit Pornhub every day) - if you included some of the semi-pornographic stuff you see on social media.

I just think for something that is just a normal for most guys. It's maybe something to bring up as a deal breaker at the beginning of a relationship not in the middle... It really shouldn't be a shock.

@Mischance

something as petty as this........hmm. That is somewhat dismissive of the girls who are forced into being part of porn films against their will, enticed into drug addiction to keep them on board, trafficked etc.

But hey, mancdaduk, let's not spoil your fun.

Not defending porn here. Just stating the facts, most men watch it (some women as well)

Yes it's immoral in some cases and there is a lot of abuse that happens. Probably in the most part, but as long as people have sex drives, there will be porn.

Probably why most people watch it in secret - but it's still one of the most popular forms on content on the internet. The data doesn't lie.

something as petty as this........hmm. That is somewhat dismissive of the girls who are forced into being part of porn films against their will, enticed into drug addiction to keep them on board, trafficked etc.

But hey, mancdaduk, let's not spoil your fun.*

Total ignorance or else callousness at play to satisfy a need (and hey who cares?). And just because something is 'widely' accepted doesn't mean it's right. Teens need to be educated about this in my opinion (as it looks unlikely that easily accessible porn is going to disappear in a hurry.)

mancdad's reply and this sort of attitude is one of the reasons I wouldn't be in a hurry to seek out another relationship in the future.

@GoAwayCat

In very rare cases. It can potentially lead to a dangerous path that maybe more extreme material or acting out fantasies with prostitutes. Especially on stag do's or work trips. Most guys I know get the the odd hand job during a massage or do this

In very rare cases... but most guys you know pay for sexual favours?

And if you have moral and ethical standards of behaviour you should turn a blind eye to your partner not meeting them?

The 'every man does it and if he says he doesn't he's lying' trope is standard gaslighting stuff. Every man is a unique individual with their own thoughts and opinions and standards. Just like every woman. It's totally unacceptable to make out that anyone who has an issue with pornography should just put up and shut up, that it's inevitable and that people who have boundaries in relation to it are deluded, controlling or anything else.

Pornography harms. Even your standard run of the mill shagging has the significant potential to involve legal and moral consent issues in the production and distribution of it, never mind the effect on those accessing it. So no, I won't be turning a blind eye to it because A Man has said it's ok and everyone does it, his wife allows it, and anyway people do much worse.

I'm not saying turn a blind eye to cheating.

I was referring to the pornography, which as I'm trying to point out, is fairly wide spread and common.

So my suggestion was - assume your guy watches porn - if it's a deal breaker. Bring it up. Ideally at the begging of the relationship.

I guess to use another example -

If you went out with a guy who said he was Vegan and your where Vegan - but he was secretly eating meat - you'd rightly be upset and because he lied to you.

On the other hand, if you went out with a guy and food never came up and after a number of years you found out he was meat all a long.

And you where Vegan - and he's not. He's done nothing wrong in that case.

That's the point I'm trying to make - despite it being unethical, wrong and immoral - most men watch porn - and some women do.

Most men watch porn - but equally 5 minutes after the act they would feel disgusted and ashamed by the act. So while their are ethical options, much like free range chickens, the chicken stills end on a plate.

The cheating is the line that shouldn't crossed.

(for the record - I didn't cheat either emotionally or physically - I never have)

Sadly this line often crossed by men and women ...

The Stag party thing only really happens in places with red light districts. Not really by guys in new relationships. But guys in long term relationships find the sex life goes away or it's just the Coolidge effect and they think they have a free pass.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect#:~:text=The%20Coolidge%20effect%20is%20a,but%20still%20available%20sexual%20partners.

Maybe what is underestimated is how much men think about sex - with different partners on a daily basis - and how visually stimulated they are.

Probably one of the main reasons you see certain social medias grow massive followings and onlyfans has seen such a massive growth.

My original point to the OP was that he needs to shut the door and be more careful. I understand why it would upset her on lots of levels.

But I was shocked that he she was surprised from porn - and some of the comments on the thread.

Sorry if I over shared. (maybe I should be sorry for the partners who will get cross examined right now)

@Robertslane

something as petty as this........hmm. That is somewhat dismissive of the girls who are forced into being part of porn films against their will, enticed into drug addiction to keep them on board, trafficked etc.

But hey, mancdaduk, let's not spoil your fun.*

Total ignorance or else callousness at play to satisfy a need (and hey who cares?). And just because something is 'widely' accepted doesn't mean it's right. Teens need to be educated about this in my opinion (as it looks unlikely that easily accessible porn is going to disappear in a hurry.)

mancdad's reply and this sort of attitude is one of the reasons I wouldn't be in a hurry to seek out another relationship in the future.

I completely agree.

I’m glad I’m not married to @mancdaduk or any of his revolting friends.

@mancdaduk

You seem to think it's ok to 'look at the facts' when 'the facts' are an article from 2014 in the independent, and a Wikipedia article about roosters.

Do you have any actual knowledge of the subject, or have you just googled it? 'The facts' might actually be that, really, you don't know what you're talking about.

He was probably watching porn before babies arrived. I wouldn't over think it. It's pretty normal.

@Robertslane

something as petty as this........hmm. That is somewhat dismissive of the girls who are forced into being part of porn films against their will, enticed into drug addiction to keep them on board, trafficked etc.

But hey, mancdaduk, let's not spoil your fun.*

Total ignorance or else callousness at play to satisfy a need (and hey who cares?). And just because something is 'widely' accepted doesn't mean it's right. Teens need to be educated about this in my opinion (as it looks unlikely that easily accessible porn is going to disappear in a hurry.)

mancdad's reply and this sort of attitude is one of the reasons I wouldn't be in a hurry to seek out another relationship in the future.

It doesn't means it's right, I agree. But many things are not and it doesn't change the fact that it's true.

To be honest, after reading the thread, I'll probably avoid porn for a while. Like I've tried to in the past, but eventually out of frustration I will see something and then back online and the cycle begins again end up watching something and afterword's I feel shameful about it.

But because I'm hard wired to want sex all the time, this is the only way to manage it. The only time I've ever not had this was when I was anti-depressants that suppressed my sex drive as side effect. It felt weird to get things done and have a clear mind... but sadly cons out did the pros on that front/

Judging by some of the relationships my friends have had in the past and decisions on nights out - a lot of people make bad decisions because of their sex drives. So not surprised people watch porn.

I think teens is too late, there was documentary (either BBC or Channel 4) on how children are consuming porn as young as 8 or 9 and it's warping the outlook on sex.

There are people that don't watch porn out there ( most on this thread from the sounds of it) so don't give up. Just maybe realign your expectations and make sure this something that it is important to you at the beginning of the relationship.

I do know some guys that are dead against it all as well, but they are a rare breed and happily married.

@mancdaduk

Some of the comments (not OP's concerns) on this thread have a really made me value my relationship with my wife.

Imagine marrying someone who confronts you about masturbating and demands you don't look at any pornographic image of any kind.

Glad my partner accepts me for who I am and wouldn't scarify our relationship over something as petty as this.

All of people suggesting that their partners doesn't look at porn or naughty images - let alone masturbates.

Your in for a massive shock about those long showers and number 2's.

Spoiler: There not number 2's.

It's not petty though is it. Masturbation is a purely selfish act.

Man, really, what kind of a man has to go to the toilet to satisfy an impulse.

A real man would tame his impulses, control his body and mind and focus all his sexual energy onto his wife.
Not pull his pants down like a little boy hiding in the bathroom or bedroom.....😂😂

[quote TheFoundations]@mancdaduk

You seem to think it's ok to 'look at the facts' when 'the facts' are an article from 2014 in the independent, and a Wikipedia article about roosters.

Do you have any actual knowledge of the subject, or have you just googled it? 'The facts' might actually be that, really, you don't know what you're talking about.[/quote]
If you really believe that a large amount of people don't look at pornography. I suggest you watch a few of the documentaries on Channel 4 and the BBC.

Or just look at instagram, snap chat and tik tok and see what kind of content is trending. What music videos are trending.

The world we live is pack full of pornographic images.

3 of the most top 10 most visited websites in the world are porn sites.

I just have eyes.

Coolidge effect isn't about roosters - it was a scientific experiment on rats and because we share that mammalian DNA it was used to explain the behavior of a lot of adult size rats.

Probably going to leave my comments now - getting a lot of cognitive dissonance vibes to the replies.

Going to leave this here. I'm was just trying to share a male perspective and the experiences of the people I know.

Plus some widely accepted and documented facts -

Couple of comments on this threat concern me, especially regarding some particularly negative views about masturbation. Something which is completely natural and well documented to be a good way to manage a sex drive and promote a healthy prostrate.

Just because you don't have the same sex drive doesn't mean you need to try and dictate what another person does.

Agree porn is mostly bad and I'll be educated my child about it early so he can avoid it's harmful influence. Because I know he will be exposed to it before high schoo.

I don't think it's a big deal.

Yes, he should have shut the door but apart from that, he was just doing what most men do.

I understand how you feel after a second baby. I know it's hard when you don't feel you look great etc but I think you might have to let this one go.

getting a lot of cognitive dissonance vibes to the replies

Getting a lot of passive aggressive vibes from this.

I see where you're getting your info. Documentaries on the telly, Tik Tok, Snapchat, and a rat study.

These are not viable cross sections of society. They are a particular slice of a particular kind of person, and clearly the kind of person you are, since you don't seem to think that any other kind of person exists.

I have no point to prove here, as a gay woman, about men and porn. I don't know the stats any better than you do. The difference is, I'm not pretending I know stuff because I have eyes and I saw it on telly. Your eyes saw what you chose to look at. Your TV programmes had a target audience. And you think that's a broad base of knowledge.

@TheFoundations

getting a lot of cognitive dissonance vibes to the replies

Getting a lot of passive aggressive vibes from this.

I see where you're getting your info. Documentaries on the telly, Tik Tok, Snapchat, and a rat study.

These are not viable cross sections of society. They are a particular slice of a particular kind of person, and clearly the kind of person you are, since you don't seem to think that any other kind of person exists.

I have no point to prove here, as a gay woman, about men and porn. I don't know the stats any better than you do. The difference is, I'm not pretending I know stuff because I have eyes and I saw it on telly. Your eyes saw what you chose to look at. Your TV programmes had a target audience. And you think that's a broad base of knowledge.

👍🏼

Excellent reply

“All my mates get hand jobs off impoverished women in Prague, and other men on channel four do too, so it’s fine if I do it”

🙄🙄