Walked in on partner

[POSITIVETHOUGHTSS]

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

@SamVimes6

I’d be tempted to think if he’s well enough to manage a wank, he’s well enough to get up with the kids/pull his weight around the house.

I agree!

Well enough to wank well enough to fucking get his own drinks

I’d also have an issue with the porn.

Would you have minded if he'd just been wanking but not watching porn?

Not sure - the porn is definitely an issue, but him saying he's wanking because we're not having as much sex is an issue too!

If I thought I'd stick to weight watchers or slimming world I'd go for it but for some reason it just doesn't work for me.
Started intermittent fasting so we'll see, think I just need to accept me figure is not going to be what it was in my 20s and if I'm a size 10-12 instead of an 8 it's not the end of the world!

Wouldn’t bother me

For me, I would be annoyed with the wanking because he’s supposed to be so ill that you’re waiting on him hand and foot. Not just for a few days or a week either. You’re talking multiple weeks. Any other time, I wouldn’t have an issue with him masturbating though.

The porn, would always be an issue. I’d feel pretty repulsed by my husband using the abuse of women to get sexual gratification.

@DingDongThongs

Slimming world? WeightWatchers?

You need to value you too.

It starts with a wank and next thing u know he's doing the slinky woman across the rd...

Oh ffs. How bloody unhelpful.

The maaturbating wouldn't bother me.

What I would be thinking is that I need to stop running myself ragged with the house and children if he's starting to feel better. If he's well enough to masturbate, I'm sure he's well enough to pull his weight with the children and house. That would give you some time to focus on yourself and give you back a fair balance with the house.

I wouldn't be at his beck and call any more, OP. And I'd tell him you're booking some uninterrupted time in bed - while he holds the fort - for some "me time" with one or more of your devices. He owes you that, even if you spend it browsing holidays or baby clothes. ;)

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS Male Perspective here :

I co-sleep with our toddler and mum, but I've always managed this 'kind of time' once or twice a day. Obviously in private and discretely.

My wife is pregnant with our second and REALLY not in the mood.

And it yes it involves porn... it's not because I don't love my wife or find don't her attractive.

It's just something I have as part of my life, in private.

It's my way of managing it. Much better that I have a balance than, start restricting myself nd getting frustrated. This leads to mistakes etc.

We are fighting are DNA on this one - if you ever wondered why people cheat when they have amazing partners- just google the Coolidge effect.

The only thing, I personally think your husband got wrong. Was that he didn't do this in private. He just needs to be more careful.

No one wants to see dad choke the chicken.

It sounds like your just feeling really crappy right now, but i wouldn't take too much notice of the phone and self love therapy. For most men it's just a daily habit, like going to the toilet.

P.s Being ill doesn't stop this. It can be a form of comfort and relief. It also uses a lot let energy than sex, especially if the guy is the more active partner. So everyone please give this guy a break, he had a cheeky w*nk at 5:30 am...Judging by some of the stuff people get up to on this forum, he should get a gold star.

First he's bored and playing with himself.

Next, he'll be playing with someone else...

I think that it's a poor show, that some men have to masturbate at any old time, and have to watch porn at any old time. Women have their sexual urges, but they don't just whip out a sex toy and masturbate, at any old time, when someone is maybe bringing them a cup of tea,if they feel ill or whatever.

Plus, I might add. It's perfectly healthy to masturbate.

Basically this is a good opportunity to have an open chat about your normal habits.

If you give someone a hard time about the porn or this stuff, he will just keep it secret. Better to just accept people have fantasy, looking is fine and that's the line.

The porn can cause issues, especially if addicted (e.g ED etc) Plus Instagram is basically free porn now anyway! I'd be more worried if he signed up to the neighbours daughter's Onlyfans.

@1forAll74

I think that it's a poor show, that some men have to masturbate at any old time, and have to watch porn at any old time. Women have their sexual urges, but they don't just whip out a sex toy and masturbate, at any old time, when someone is maybe bringing them a cup of tea,if they feel ill or whatever.

In fairness, most guys could do this while a brew is being made.

I don't know any women that can do this ? Maybe while baking a cake.

Thinking about it though, there are ED issues, he often has to give himself a "little hand" to stay hard during sex.
I think the porn use is a lot more than I know about.
If it was genuinely once every so often discretely I wouldn't have an issue with it.

@DingDongThongs

First he's bored and playing with himself.

Next, he'll be playing with someone else...

Nearly every husband and male partner on this forum - gets bored and plays with himself. FACT.

Sure maybe a lot say they don't (especially the religious kind) .
But they likely do... unless their asexual.

Not all people cheat. I'd say people that have their sex drive and emotions under control... tend not to cheat.

Actually surprised at how many comments on this thread are out of touch with reality or you haven't talk about it.

For me, the biggest issue is that you said that your 4 year old could have been running about and walked in.

That’s the issue for me.

Love is blind but not Mr Magoo. Make an effort.

@SamVimes6

I’d be tempted to think if he’s well enough to manage a wank, he’s well enough to get up with the kids/pull his weight around the house.

Men are always well enough to manage a wank.

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

Thinking about it though, there are ED issues, he often has to give himself a "little hand" to stay hard during sex. I think the porn use is a lot more than I know about. If it was genuinely once every so often discretely I wouldn't have an issue with it.

Honestly then that could be 2 things.

1. He's masturbated that day and then unexpectedly sex has happened. Which with natural cycles, life and family. That happens a lot.

1. He's developed a bit of an porn addiction and probably needs to give it break and see the difference - but really that's something for him to acknowledge and I think it would be challenging to address in a healthy way.

www.intherooms.com/home/iloverecovery/all/the-cycle-of-addictive-and-compulsive-porn-use/

To be honest, me and my partner have been really open about that stuff. And' it helped we talked about it early in the relationship.

I did have a bit of problem, way back when i was single. So I did stop looking at porn and the me time. So i used that energy training or going out to meet people... weirdly did work.

Now i'm just tired all the time, stressed and never sleep enough. So it kind of gives me some freedom.

I think you’re massively overthinking it and driving yourself crazy linked ED issues and hardness issues during sex plus analysing if porn use is more than you think etc.

Ultimately he had an urge and went with it. Its a natural instinct. He didn’t shut the door like a numpty but would you have the sake panic if your little one came into your room while you were in the middle of sex as has happened I’m sure to most parents. I dont see any difference. He would just stop and cover himself up surely.

@mancdaduk

Masturbation is healthy. Porn is not as is becoming clearer and clearer as it becomes more and more accessible.

DingDong Thongs

Are you trying to be fucking nasty on purpose?

YANBU at all.

Can you even imagine it happening the other way round with him walking in to you?!

I am not ok with my DH watching porn for various ethical and personal reasons. I would be so angry and upset in your position, especially with the feelings I get with my postnatal body.

Your feelings are all valid.

I don't know what I would think about my partner watching porn and wanking off. He's not wanking off to a photo of me is he it's to the image and voice of someone else. Isn't that partially like cheating? Getting off with someone else other than his partner?

Right or Wrong catching my partner out wanking off to someone else would put me off but it's also made worse because he knows you're feeling a bit insecure and exhausted atm OP running around after him and the young children.
I think it's completely unfair to blame the OP for lack of sex and if the partner is well enough to wank off then he can get his own food and drinks and at least save the OP from having to look after him as well as the house and young children. Start talking to him about when he's going to look after the children so you can have a day or two off OP and if he's going to continue wanking off then he needs to ensure the doors are properly closed so your children can't walk in on him and the porn.