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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Walked in on partner

191 replies

POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:23

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

tinglymint · 02/08/2021 17:15

Most people masturbate even if they have a partner and have regular sex - it's not a big deal imo. Just very awkward that you caught him. He thought you were downstairs he's done nothing wrong.

Wjevtvha · 02/08/2021 17:24

I don’t see masturbation as anything to do with a partner; for me it’s not related to them whatsoever. However I would be irritated by the door being left open and if he’s not done his fair share of early wakings then that would also annoy me

Original poster

POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 17:35

Yes I agree masturbation not related to having a partner but he brought up the reduced sex which initially upset me as post partum etc but then pissed me off as he's the one who's not been up to it the last few weeks, he's even commented on that himself.
So saying he has to have a wank because it's my fault we're not having enough sex isn't fair.

OP posts:

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 17:40

Then there's the issue of him using porn - which may not be an issue for you in and of itself (it would for me, I'd class it as cheating but I know not everyone thinks about it in the same way) but is clearly (and understandably!) an issue for you under the current post-partum circumstances.

This for me. Also the secrecy aspect in my husband's case re. porn. I have lost respect and also have now developed trust issues as a result.

Similar situation with young children/sleep deprivation and it caught me at a time when I was feeling on a low ebb (and the thing about having low self esteem was trotted out). Your partner, like my husband clearly has enough energy for other things, so he should start helping out, it's time you had a rest, look after yourself and treat yourself well.

Yes, my husband is more sorry he got caught. Others (including in real life) have minimised my feelings too. My estimation of men has gone right down (not helped by the fact that I am now in the thick of perimenopause.)

onelittlefrog · 02/08/2021 17:45

I dunno, it's a tricky time when you've got young kids. As you say, you're not feeling attractive, he's just had Covid and maybe both of you are feeling a bit tired and drained. Perhaps you could go a bit easier on both yourself and on him. You're still having sex once or twice a week which doesn't seem bad considering.

I would only be annoyed that he hadn't made sure the door was closed if 4 year old could have stumbled in.

I would talk to him gently about how you're feeling though, you need to feel attractive and appreciated.

DinosaurDiana · 02/08/2021 17:51

If he’s got the energy to wank, he’s got the energy to get up and help.
And I wouldn’t put up with porn.

DinosaurDiana · 02/08/2021 17:52

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

Yes I agree masturbation not related to having a partner but he brought up the reduced sex which initially upset me as post partum etc but then pissed me off as he's the one who's not been up to it the last few weeks, he's even commented on that himself. So saying he has to have a wank because it's my fault we're not having enough sex isn't fair.

Exactly, he’s blaming it on you, making it your fault. Not on.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/08/2021 17:55

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

Yes I agree masturbation not related to having a partner but he brought up the reduced sex which initially upset me as post partum etc but then pissed me off as he's the one who's not been up to it the last few weeks, he's even commented on that himself. So saying he has to have a wank because it's my fault we're not having enough sex isn't fair.

Is he saying that though?

You seem to be putting a lot of factors together and arriving at a conclusion which is coming from your loss of self esteem and your figure/ weight.

The thing is, you can't compare sex with another person with self-pleasure. They are totally different.

If he's getting over Covid, then it's easier and quicker for him to do what he did, rather than take his time making you satisfied if you had sex.

I really think you need to stop being 'jealous' of his masturbating and also work on your own issues because you risk creating a bigger gaps between you than this warrants.

You each need to be kinder and more understanding towards each other.

You've had a baby, he's had covid.

Cut each other some slack and focus on what you can do together to support each other.

BigButtons · 02/08/2021 18:07

There are some really weird responses on Thai thread. It’s like some people can’t be areas still actually read what the op is saying and just post random rubbish.
@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS the porn would bother me a lot. He sounds very selfish. If he’s well enough to have a wank and have sex with you then he’s well enough to get out of bed.

TrifleCat · 02/08/2021 18:07

I agree with JinglingHellsBells

I don’t think the masturbation is any reflection on you or your relationship- I am a straight married women and I regularly masturbate and occasionally in my fantasies I have various celebrity men and women in there, it doesn’t mean i don’t think my DH is absolutely gorgeous, he is, it’s just sometimes a fantasy is nice.

You need to separate self pleasure from your mutual sex life, if that makes sense.

BigButtons · 02/08/2021 18:07

Excuse crappy typos- I can’t be arsed to read what I’m writing

Hont1986 · 02/08/2021 18:11

The people saying "if he's well enough to wank, he's well enough to [X/Y/Z]", how do you figure that? He's well enough to move his arm so he's well enough to get up and parent two kids? Eh?

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 18:12

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue

I think this might be part of why it feels so bad. Do you often feel he's dismissing your feelings? That really is something that feels horrible, even when you're on top form.

If you were ok to accept that he was poorly and could have sex with you, I don't really think this is about being pissed off that if he's well enough to wank, he should be doing more with the kids.

EssentialHummus · 02/08/2021 18:17

I think at a time when you've got a newborn and he's had covid - both things that put pressure on the family unit - it should be all hands to the pump really, and not in the way that he's interpreting that. If he's got the slightest bit of energy he should use that to stop you traipsing up and down after him when you're so worn out yourself.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/08/2021 18:17

@Hont1986

The people saying "if he's well enough to wank, he's well enough to [X/Y/Z]", how do you figure that? He's well enough to move his arm so he's well enough to get up and parent two kids? Eh?

This. I don't really get the connection. Moving your hand a bit is hardly strenuous. And a wank is a very good way of relieving pain or getting back to sleep.

moofolk · 02/08/2021 18:21

I'd be well pissed off about the porn as he's basically wanking to videos of women and girls being abused.

I'm a fully paid up member of the wankers club and think most people should masturbate more.

BUT

A bit galling that you're running round looking after him while he's wanking to porn with kids in the house.

On a side note, I think horniness can be an effect of Covid.

GoAwayCat · 02/08/2021 18:32

Yeah there's a real combination of factors on the go at once with this:

Feeling unattractive
Feeling taken for granted/like a skivvy while he pleases himself lying in bed
Watching porn
Child could have walked in

I don't think you are being remotely unreasonable about any of those things and I'd be pretty annoyed.

That said, it sounds like you normally have a good and loving relationship so I'd have a chat with him about all of that and hopefully you can get back on track.

DingDongThongs · 02/08/2021 18:33

Slimming world? WeightWatchers?

You need to value you too.

It starts with a wank and next thing u know he's doing the slinky woman across the rd...

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 18:35

@DingDongThongs

Slimming world? WeightWatchers?

You need to value you too.

It starts with a wank and next thing u know he's doing the slinky woman across the rd...

Are you suggesting that OP joins SW or WW in order to value herself??

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 18:35

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue

Yes, my husband called me a prude and attempted to normalise it by telling me about the lengths some men he knows go to, to secretly watch it.

I think it just highlighted a lot of cracks in our relationship unfortunately.

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 02/08/2021 18:36

He knew you were in the house yet he still watched it. Sounds like the risk of being caught is part of his thrill. No advice it’s your life, if it was me who caught partner he’d be out the door but I’m set in my ways

Doubledoorsontogarden · 02/08/2021 18:36

I masterbate a lot, if I had a lie in opportunity I would have a quick one then sleep. I couldn’t get too bothered about it with the exception of not having the door closed. Im female btw

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 18:39

*Slimming world? WeightWatchers?

You need to value you too.

It starts with a wank and next thing u know he's doing the slinky woman across the rd...*

If Op is going to do the above, she should do this for herself...for better health etc. not to keep a man from straying. If this happens, he is not worth keeping.

BeYourLongLostPaal · 02/08/2021 18:41

@DingDongThongs

Slimming world? WeightWatchers?

You need to value you too.

It starts with a wank and next thing u know he's doing the slinky woman across the rd...

I think it is the stupidest fucking comment I’ve ever read on here …. And I’ve read some dumb shit.

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 18:41

Would you have minded if he'd just been wanking but not watching porn?

No in my case. It is the porn aspect.

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