Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked in on partner

191 replies

POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:23

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Adrianneanneanne · 02/08/2021 23:33

@Robertslane

It’s the use of porn in his house when his wife and children are in the house. Yuk.

I find this difficult to comprehend too.

Couples also have sex with their children in the houseShock
louleey · 02/08/2021 23:44

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

You're right it isn't my business, but do it when I'm out or when he's in the shower or something.

30 minutes earlier he was asking me for drinks, up and down those stairs all flipping morning!

Sometimes it’s really hard to figure out what exactly is bugging you the most in a situation like this. I think he’s being unfair letting you run around after him like this, I do think if he was unwell enough to be waited on he wouldn’t feel well enough to do this. I do definitely think the way you feel about yourself is playing a big part though but it’s completely understandable. Most of us feel frumpy after having a baby etc, let him look after himself now and you have some time for you 💐
GalaxyGirl24 · 03/08/2021 07:01

YANBU!
It's not necessarily the masturbating it's the fact you're shattered too, trying your best to let him rest and in actual fact he's having a leisurely w*nk while you're running about doing everything

JinglingHellsBells · 03/08/2021 07:33

There is a lot of hyperbole going on here.

You got up at 5am- presumably that was to feed your baby? (if not, why?)

He has had COVID. people seem to be ignoring that.

Isn't it perfectly normal to ask your partner if they want a cuppa or whatever when you get up and they have had covid 2 weeks back and are not recovered?

I don't think you getting up at 5am (again, why) and asking if he needs anything is running around after him. Some posters are being really daft to think of it like that

You are hardly bringing breakfast in bed on a silver tray.

And the porn issue- having a sneaky peep at porn on his phone - is that really a big deal???

This isn't about what he did @POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

It's about your sense of rejection, your appearance (as you have said yourself) and taking the 'blame' for not feeling like sex.

He's wrong if he makes you feel guilty for not wanting sex.
You both need to talk that through but it also sounds as if he has some physical issues too if he has signs of ED.

But you are in danger of losing perspective on what ought not to be a huge issue.

lonelyparent · 03/08/2021 07:55

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't think posters are being "daft" to think of it as running around after him, when OP herself says:
^
30 minutes earlier he was asking me for drinks, up and down those stairs all flipping morning!
^
Shes given the impression of running around after him with her use of language.

lonelyparent · 03/08/2021 07:56

But most of the rest of your post, I agree with.

Iggly · 03/08/2021 07:57

Couples also have sex with their children in the house

What, when they’re awake and could innocently walk in on you….?? Hmm

3scape · 03/08/2021 08:00

The masturbation I'd be meh about he needs to be more discreet with kids around but the problem is his use of porn. I guess he likes the idea he's contributing to the abuse of vulnerable adults and of course the trafficking and murder of children, forced drug taking and violent crime. What a piece of shit having to get his jollies like that.

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 03/08/2021 09:20

Yes to clarify, baby was up at 5, same every morning.
This happened at about 10:30am

OP posts:
Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 03/08/2021 09:22

Having mulled this over all night, the issue (as it would be for many) is the porn.
Aghhhhh.
I don't know what to do.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off.
He's apologised

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 09:36

Sorry is just a word, OP. If he never watches porn again, will you a) trust that that is, in fact, the case, and b) be satisfied?

If you don't want a partner who watches porn, then you don't want him. It's your prerogative. You don't need to push yourself to make a decision right now either. You could wait and see how you feel once the dust has settled a bit.

Greenmarmalade · 03/08/2021 10:31

What to do:

Explain how you feel. Do this to yourself first.

Decide what you’d like the boundaries of your relationship to be, and why. It really doesn’t matter if loads of people are ok with porn- you don’t have to be.

Find the right time to talk with him.

budgun · 03/08/2021 10:35

I'm laughing at the 'if he is well enough to want he is well enough to get up and get on with things' comments. I love nothing more than a quick orgasm when I'm not feeling well. I can't say it's in any way comparable to my physical ability.

MyriadeOfThings · 03/08/2021 11:00

@budgun

I'm laughing at the 'if he is well enough to want he is well enough to get up and get on with things' comments. I love nothing more than a quick orgasm when I'm not feeling well. I can't say it's in any way comparable to my physical ability.
Well it is to me. When I am exhausted, I mean truly fatigued, an orgasm will leave me weak and shaky. But going down to get a drink won’t.. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
budgun · 03/08/2021 11:10

That was my whole point though. We are all different. Things affect us in different ways. You being too tired doesn't mean I will be.

TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 11:12

@budgun

I'm laughing at the 'if he is well enough to want he is well enough to get up and get on with things' comments. I love nothing more than a quick orgasm when I'm not feeling well. I can't say it's in any way comparable to my physical ability.
Yup. It might not feel right always, but it doesn't mean it's not possible. It can make you feel weaker for a few minutes, but if you're already in bed, that's manageable. It doesn't wipe you out all day. Also, it can wipe you out to just the right level to fall asleep when you previously couldn't, which might be exactly what your body needs. There are also endorphins, which can surpress pain.
Adrianneanneanne · 03/08/2021 11:42

@Iggly

Couples also have sex with their children in the house

What, when they’re awake and could innocently walk in on you….?? Hmm

The poster said "with wife and children in the house" so yes, from that I replied people have sex with kids in the house.

Seemingly, masturbation is so filthy, you cannot do it in your own house unless everyone is out. The only thing her partner did wrong was not shut the door.

Monday26July · 03/08/2021 11:47

I've seen it on his phone and iPad in the past and I just think you're not a teenager boy, you're a grown man 🙄

This jumped out at me, what does this mean? Do you think only teenage boys do/should watch porn? Many, many grown adults of both sexes watch porn.

I'd be telling him to do it somewhere more private next time so that the four year old didn't walk in on him but other than that I wouldn't care at all.

I think you're aware this is related to your own self esteem and how you feel about yourself physically since having DC: gently, I think you need to work on that rather than displace this onto your DH for doing this.

Original poster
POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 03/08/2021 12:31

I've seen it on his phone and iPad in the past and I just think you're not a teenager boy, you're a grown man 🙄

Yes but I don't expect it to be the first thing I see when I put the iPad code in to give to our child, it's just there as soon as it's unlocked iyswim, it's not that I've gone searching for it.
He needs to be more discrete.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 12:36

YEah, that's not on OP. He's putting his preference for porn as a higher priority than protecting his children from being exposed to it. That's the worst thing you've detailed that he's done, IMO.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/08/2021 12:37

@Monday26July

I've seen it on his phone and iPad in the past and I just think you're not a teenager boy, you're a grown man 🙄

This jumped out at me, what does this mean? Do you think only teenage boys do/should watch porn? Many, many grown adults of both sexes watch porn.

I'd be telling him to do it somewhere more private next time so that the four year old didn't walk in on him but other than that I wouldn't care at all.

I think you're aware this is related to your own self esteem and how you feel about yourself physically since having DC: gently, I think you need to work on that rather than displace this onto your DH for doing this.

I’d assume a teenage boy might not understand the abuse and duress many of the women and girls in those videos suffer.

I’d assume a teenage boy might not know about the growing addiction to porn many men are suffering from and the repercussions on this addiction on themselves, their relationships and their partners.

I’d expect a fully grown man to have a better under of this.

Iggly · 03/08/2021 12:37

The only thing her partner did wrong was not shut the door

Quite a major thing to get wrong @Adrianneanneanne

Why are people so blasé about kids being exposed to porn/sex like this?

As a kid, I stumbled upon porn magazines left around the house by my mum’s boyfriend. I was in primary school and it confused the fuck out of me. Really not fair on the kid.

Adrianneanneanne · 03/08/2021 12:44

@Iggly

The only thing her partner did wrong was not shut the door

Quite a major thing to get wrong @Adrianneanneanne

Why are people so blasé about kids being exposed to porn/sex like this?

As a kid, I stumbled upon porn magazines left around the house by my mum’s boyfriend. I was in primary school and it confused the fuck out of me. Really not fair on the kid.

I was literally replying to someone who said you can't masturbate when your family is home. I replied, yes you can as long as you shut the door, and people aren't around (I.e. it's in private).

Nobody here is blasé about kids being exposed to their father tugging himself, but it didn't happen.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/08/2021 12:50

How is a toddler likely to see porn on a phone? It's not as if it was on a 60 inch TV on the bedroom wall.

If this man saw or heard his child coming into the bedroom, he'd stop before his child got anywhere near the phone.

OP you have already said he suffers from ED at times. Presumably that is why he needs more visual stimulation for get aroused.

You both need to talk through what happened and both try to understand each other.

You are feeling jealous, rejected or angry. Don't let it fester.
But on the other hand don't 'police' his DIY because that's not right either, is it?

JinglingHellsBells · 03/08/2021 12:52

Nobody here is blasé about kids being exposed to their father tugging himself, but it didn't happen

Exactly.

MN is always full of people letting their imagination run wild and moving events on in a way that never happened.

Just wait until the child starts 'tugging himself' in public.

Little boys often do this all the time.