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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked in on partner

191 replies

POSITIVETHOUGHTSS · 02/08/2021 16:23

Would just like to gain some perspective please.

I had a baby earlier this year and also have a 4 year old.
Partner has been unwell with Covid for the last 2-3 weeks but seems to be improving.
During that time I've tried my best to be look after him, get up with the kids, take them down early etc but to be honest I'm shattered.

This morning I went down at 5, left him to sleep after checking if he needed anything.
Went up at again, door ajar and could see he was masturbating, clearly watching porn on his phone.
I'm gutted to be honest, feel so frumpy and fat and tired.
We've not had sex as much since the new baby as I'm breast feeding and bleeding patterns have been all over the place too, last sex was a few days ago and that seemed to take it out of him.
I get that most men masturbate but I'm just pissed off that our son could have seen him if it was him going upstairs and also that I'm running around all over the place and letting him stay in bed and he's doing that.
He knows I'm upset and pissed off, tried to apologise but really he's just sorry he's been caught isn't he.
He tried to say well we've not had much sex recently but I think it's understandable in the first 12 months or so after having a baby.

He's making me feel like I'm ridiculous for having an issue.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/08/2021 19:52

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

DingDong Thongs

Are you trying to be fucking nasty on purpose?

Yes they are. Ignore them
YeokensYegg · 02/08/2021 19:53

He's had it for awhile. Was he vaccinated?

I can see why you'd be upset. You've been running around doing everything and here he is having a wank.

He isn't bedridden. He can get up and help some and definitely get his own drinks, snacks, etc. instead of you running up and down the stairs.

You need some care and attention too. Flowers

Dddccc · 02/08/2021 19:57

Sorry but sex to wanking is completely different you use more energy for sex also and also if he used to get it daily its hard to suddenly stop he needs release I just think you are over reacting also think you need to learn to love your body as it now it you will never go back fully to a pre child body but you can learn to like the changes

newnortherner111 · 02/08/2021 19:58

Personally I would be more upset with the porn use than anything, knowing that it is not a victimless activity and those women whose activities he is watching are being exploited and possibly abused.

Masturbation in private (empty house, locked bathroom for example) using imagination or memory as a 'stimulant' would offend me much less. Not in a place where others can see, children or adults.

MyriadeOfThings · 02/08/2021 20:03

I’d have an issue that he has enough energy to wank but not enough energy to go downstairs to get a drink tbh….

MyriadeOfThings · 02/08/2021 20:07

@Dddccc

Sorry but sex to wanking is completely different you use more energy for sex also and also if he used to get it daily its hard to suddenly stop he needs release I just think you are over reacting also think you need to learn to love your body as it now it you will never go back fully to a pre child body but you can learn to like the changes
Certainly not my experience.

An orgasm is tiring in itself if you are truly exhausted. If I had enough energy for an orgasm, then I have enough energy to go downstairs.

It sounds to me that he is making the best of being ill and isn’t planning to be in a rush to be back on his feet.

BastardMonkfish · 02/08/2021 20:13

@POSITIVETHOUGHTSS

Thinking about it though, there are ED issues, he often has to give himself a "little hand" to stay hard during sex. I think the porn use is a lot more than I know about. If it was genuinely once every so often discretely I wouldn't have an issue with it.
Look, people here are just giving their opinions through the lens of their own experience and judgements on the porn issue. Don't let yourself get caught up in thinking he's definitely a porn addict and all sorts of awful things. You sound like you have a healthy sex life especially for a couple with a young family and I'm sure your partner loves and desires you. Use this as an opportunity to talk about how you feel about your relationship and if you need him to make an effort to make you feel a bit more secure in your relationship then now is the time to communicate that.
Benjispruce5 · 02/08/2021 20:14

Yanbu.

maddy68 · 02/08/2021 20:17

He's having a cheeky wank. No idea why you're upset tbh I'd find it funny that I caught him

Changemaname1 · 02/08/2021 20:52

I think most men do it tbh , I mean I also do it ( female ) not saying it’s ideal that this is how it is but that doesn’t change the fact that it is and most guys do
Not trying to be “cool wife”( am single for starters )

It’s no reflection on you at all if that helps

DreamAboutSleep · 02/08/2021 20:57

@SamVimes6

I’d be tempted to think if he’s well enough to manage a wank, he’s well enough to get up with the kids/pull his weight around the house.
This. ^
omgthepain · 02/08/2021 21:04

I'm sorry that would repulse me he'd be gone

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 21:21

Personally I would be more upset with the porn use than anything, knowing that it is not a victimless activity and those women whose activities he is watching are being exploited and possibly abused.

Masturbation in private (empty house, locked bathroom for example) using imagination or memory as a 'stimulant' would offend me much less. Not in a place where others can see, children or adults.

Agreed.

User135644 · 02/08/2021 21:21

@MyriadeOfThings

I’d have an issue that he has enough energy to wank but not enough energy to go downstairs to get a drink tbh….
It's a physical need for men unless impotent.
EKGEMS · 02/08/2021 21:45

@DingDongThongs

Love is blind but not Mr Magoo. Make an effort.
Do you kiss your mother/wife/daughter with that mouth you've got? "Make an effort!" What a nasty, sexist post!
TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 21:59

It's a physical need for men unless impotent

Nobody is saying that he shouldn't do it. You're missing the point.

Eating is a biological need and so is defecating, but sometimes when we're not well, we don't respond to those needs for a day or two.

Benjispruce5 · 02/08/2021 22:02

It’s the use of porn in his house when his wife and children are in the house. Yuk.

Robertslane · 02/08/2021 22:05

It’s the use of porn in his house when his wife and children are in the house. Yuk.

I find this difficult to comprehend too.

Farwest · 02/08/2021 22:18

The only aspect that would upset me is the open door. Other than that, it's none of your business. If you have a problem with your sex life together, you two should talk. But his porn use and masturbation is his to control, and he does not need your approval or permission. If you his wanking is affecting your sex together, it's time to talk.

SoundBar · 02/08/2021 22:19

When does OP get to have a nice leisurely wank then? I guess when DP is feeling better and can have the kids from 5am

BigButtons · 02/08/2021 22:20

@MyriadeOfThings it’s just as much as a need for women. However, I find when I’m properly ill like ill enough to stay in bed and have someone wait on me hand and foot- that masturbation isn’t on the cards.

Mistressbator · 02/08/2021 23:03

Name changed because this is an embarrassing subject and I know I'm going
to get roasted, but it's the other way round in our home. I, a woman, enjoy getting myself off as well as my sex life with my DH. I'd say it helps me. Makes me achieve more orgasms and makes our lovemaking more satisfying. Since I suffer from widespread endometriosis, penetration and thrusting is often painful for me. Masturbation is good "practise," if you will, so I'm not left without an orgasm during sex. I'm pretty sure my DH masturbates too - in fact, I know he does. In his case, he practises edging and lasting longer. Again, so he doesn't prematurely ejaculate and disappoint me during sex.

I'd rather us both practise on our own than have an unsatisfying, or worse, painful sex life.

I'm not into pornographic images or videos but I do like to read erotic fiction. My DH has caught me getting myself off numerous times. He just apologises and excuses himself, then comes back when I am finished.

Judging by the replies on this thread, he am an adulteress who deserves to be thrown out of our home and served with divorce papers! I'm glad that my DH doesn't see it that way.

Namenic · 02/08/2021 23:06

Yanbu. 1) porn is a boundary for me and I wouldn’t stay with someone who continues using it - not a boundary for everyone though. 2) not being up for sex then doing this - and then blaming you 3) ED issues - potentially related to too much porn? - which makes sex worse for you. 4) too sick to get himself drinks but not to do this - well obviously not that sick then.

For me 1) is the top reason - so I would explain this to him. Either he wants to stop and does something about it or we split.

Mischance · 02/08/2021 23:06

If he's well enough to wank, then he is well enough to get out of bed and help you.

Doing it when and where his child can walk in on him is unacceptable.

I am not impressed with this man.

Vanilla1Cookies · 02/08/2021 23:13

Lots of adults watch porn. Watching porn doesn’t make you a child and need to grow up.

He hasn’t done anything wrong. The most he should of done is shut the door.

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