AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

YANBU OP. You are neither grabby nor mean.
I think your MIL is mean spirited and a lack of generosity is something that stinks, especially when it concerns her own grandchildren.
It's the thoughtlessness that is so unpleasant; it is not to do with the amount of the gift.
I am not sure you can change her. However, your children will just recognise that your parents are the generous ones.

YANBU OP but you cant really expect her to change now. I also grew up working class/poor and my aunts and uncles would give us loose change from their pockets if we met them unexpectedly or would bring sweets or the like if visiting. We do the same and my own DM used to be forever just picking up the odd thing when they were little or giving DC a couple of quid or whatever when visiting. As she was their only grandparent after toddler stage then she also felt a need to compensate as all her other grandchildren had another set of Grandparents. She wasn't well off and DMiL was also generous with her time and what little she had while she was alive.

I can't fathom mean-ness personally.

She lacks kindness.
It's totally her loss.
Tightness is one of the worst traits a person can have imo.

Have you ever asked her to come shopping with you?
My mum gave cash as gifts, as she could never decide, unless she stole my idea.
If you ask her to shop with you, then is the time to talk about it

What is the relationship between your DH and his mum? Are they close, do they hug slot, are they telling each other they live each other? Where is FIL? I don't come from a particularly demonstrative family, but never doubted I was loved.

Does she not buy birthday or Christmas presents?

@mayaknew

OP i know exactly what you are saying. Its not about the money its about her being good to her dgcs. It must be really upsetting watching your mum give her last penny when your MIL has plenty but can't even bother to buy her dgcs a bar of chocolate.

However, MN is really weird about things like expecting financial help from parents, free childcare from parents etc. Its bonkers. Why would you as a parent watch your children struggle financially if you could help, or let them pay hundreds of pounds a month on childcare when you could provide it for free. MN is a really weird vibe sometimes.

I am really shocked at the presumption & entitlement of this post.

Grandparents have already done their childcare, by raising (& paying for) the parent of their GC. They may not even be retired & therefore"free" to provide childcare, & if they are lucky enough to have worked at a job that provides them an adequate pension, WTF makes you feel that they should now do your childcare for you?

Do they not deserve to enjoy the free time they have worked all their lives to earn?

@FatCatThinCat

I don't think it's greedy or grasping to be upset that grandparents don't treat their grandkids. My grandma always kept our favourite treats in her cupboard in case we popped round. My MIL brings my DD's favourite treats halfway round the world when she comes to visit and DD is only her step grandchild. It speaks volumes that the OP's MIL doesn't bother.

Not everyone express love or emotion in the same way. It doesn't mean she loves them any less than grandparents who DO choose to buy toys and treats.

She sees them weekly and has them over to her house too - presumably she provides them with food, drinks and snacks (though they may not be their favourites).

Seeing grandchildren weekly is a much bigger commitment than buying them a few presents and bunging them some pocket money.

Too many Dinasour

Surely it's better to ask?

Can I get the dc anything, do you need anything, here is x amount please use it as you see fit.. Save it for them, buy school shoes if they need them, or buy a toy?

Depends on their dc circumstances but that's what I would be doing, if my dc end up well off I'll take different strategies..
If they need money I'll target that!
I won't ever foist large presents on them or buy without asking, unless it's small things that don't matter. I won't buy nothing either..

Why? I’m a GP from a generation when many things certainly were a lot easier - house prices for one, not to mention free university fees and a cost of living grant, according to your parents’ means.

I'm a GP too, & in my teens, university was almost exclusively for the middle classes, @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER. The working class teenagers needed to be earning a wage: their families either could not afford, or did not see the point, of further education.

I generalise, but this was very much the case through the 70's & 80's.

'She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.'

YABU for this statement alone.
I'm probably your MiL's age - early 60's. I started part time work at 15, full time at 16 - my DP's couldn't afford for me to go on to higher education, I had to work and contribute to the household.
And maybe my generation have better pensions because we started contributing at a much earlier age due to not being able to go to uni etc etc. My retirement age is 66 so not particularly early.
The ignorance and generalisation on MN threads is astounding.

Yanbu to feel that way but her cash her choice you cant make someone be a grandparent my ex mil no grandchildren from her pfb her youngest has two she fors not interact with them all throughout the pregnancy everyone was saying your going to have to prize the baby out of her hands she has been looking forward to grandchildren for years poor you she will be so overbearing! And other hilarious "jokes" and nothing nada she offered to buy us a pram i said great but not a travel system type please because that's bad for my damaged back (we had a market which you could buy new really cheap) they just went out and bought a travel system which I couldn't use 🤷‍♀️ so I bought my own to use my ex used the one she bought she got upset by it all and hasn't really bought them anything since the divorce no Christmas no nothing his new girlfriends kids? they get Christmas presents same as his old girlfriends children

@Poppydot3

There are some very cold and harsh things said on here. What’s wrong with people. I love my grandchildren (and tell them so, often). I delight in them and take an interest in them. When they visit I have their favourite drinks, some sweet treats. If I see a book in a charity shop that I know will interest them, I buy it and send to them. Really, it costs small change. They are young atm, but I intend giving them pocket money when they are a bit older. I agree with you OP and I would definitely feel the same as you do.

Of course, this is MN, where the cardinal sin of any woman, of any age, is to not be very much into children.

So we can't admire this MiL for embarking on a career in the good ol' days of horrendous workplace misogyny, & becoming high-powered enough to retire in her 50's on a good pension - we have to berate her for not giving her money away to OP's kids, & not being maternally/grandmotherly minded.

I've been wondering if MiL has a husband or partner, & if so, how he is with the GC.

Everyone is different. The kids love her and know she loves them. You can judge her way of doing things if you like, but how is that helpful? It’s their relationship.

There’s a hint of an attitude here that I have seen in some parents. “What are you doing for my kids?” Parents who think like this seem to tie themselves up in knots worrying about something the children themselves don’t care about or notice. I don’t think it’s sad for your kids that not everyone around them dotes on them the way you see fit.

I’ve seen family relationships devolve around this topic “how you treat my kids”. I don’t think it is always about the children at all. It is as if the people focused on this are using it as a measure of their own worth, worried they themselves are not lovable because some family member is not showing their offspring love or attention in the way they believe is required. Maybe not the case here, but definitely happens.

The kids are fine. Put it out of your mind. Don’t create a problem where none exists.

what a relative does with their own money is up to them. Why not enjoy what you do have and not worry about what she does?

You've had me thinking.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was a child. I don't think she ever bought me anything apart from Christmas presents. She never told me she loved me. I remember my mum saying something about me being pretty and my grandma rebuking her, saying it would 'spoil me'.

But I was always welcome there, and there was always something for me to do. We cooked together all the time. She gave me fun jobs to do in the garden (like spraying the roses with soapy water to deter the greenflies). I remember being in hospital for two weeks, and when I came home she'd made me my favourite, fancy pudding. That was the only 'personal' thing I remember from her, and it made a real impression. But throughout my childhood she was a really important presence and her home was a secure and happy place for me.

@Muggymama

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10. She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda). My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc. AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL? She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc. I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

You say she never buys them anything but then you go on to say she gives you money to buy presents.

You sound awfully entitled.

Your children will be saddled with debt when they finish their education but that is not her fault.
They can choose to work when they leave school can't they?

Honestly, I get where you’re coming from, but it’s clear that she’s not going to stump up the cash you want her to, so it’s not much good expecting her to.

FWIW my dad does occasionally give us money but is a very distant grandad with not much interest in my sons. I would much rather we saw him more and he spent more quality time with the kids than any of the money he (generously) gives - but he is who he is and I have to be grateful for the relationship we have.

Enjoy what she’s able to give and the relationship she has with your kids and try to let the rest go.

What strikes me is that you sound like you equate the gift of money with how much she cares about them. In my experience people who have struggled with money throughout their life are more ready to give it to loved ones because they understand that particular battle, but people who had it a bit easier just don't think like that and don't assume you do either. I wouldn't necessarily see anything mean in it. You could tell her you feel that way and then she may understand it from your perspective? Or she may just think you are overly focussed on money.

Surely the ages the kids are, especially the older 2 you can just give them the money

I don't remember my grandparents giving me treats or buying things for me when I was under 10 (other than birthdays and Christmas).

I don't remember my parents doing it either, other than a weekly comic. I got plenty of presents come Christmas and birthdays but my parents were of the view that they didn't want me receiving things outside of those times, at least not from them.

It's a point of view, whether or not you agree with it. Presumably OP's MiL also has similar views.

Op, your thread has me thinking about my nana.

She baby sat us, at most 3 times. So my mum could go to parents evening so just a few hours. We all lived on the same street. So I saw her often. But not while she was caring for us. All the kids would Bob in and out. She used to have ice pops in, and if you didn't like the ones she had it was tough.

I remember having to go hers a couple of times after school and we had to sit and watch countdown and another quiz show. Waiting for mum. Because that was her routine. My grandad once had to pick me up from school as I was ill. Mum was at work. I was laid on their sofa and projectile vomited. Grandad cleaned it up she stayed in the kitchen calling my mum saying she had to come home because I was making a mess in the house

For Christmas mum got our gifts and she gave her money. I don't remember her buying gifts for no reason and things like that.

My mum and dad split up and her quiet home was a haven while they were under the same roof. Again she didn't do much. But it was a nice place to be.

She was wicked funny. I can still hear her getting annoyed at countdown when people missed obvious words. Or complaining about Betty at bingo. She was Irish with a very strong accent and everytime I hear the accent from her city, my heart aches. I have her rocking chair that she spent hours in.

As I got older, I would go round and watch countdown with her she wouldn't talk much. Neither would I. We would just sit. She would appreciate the company and I always felt wanted there. There was just no fuss. I would make her a cuppa and that was it. At family events she would always make us all laugh. She did tell me she loved me. If she didn't see me she would call to see why I hadn't been round as it became a habit.

I remember her coming on days out, occasionally. But grandad was far more involved in everything from the food to playing with us.

She died when I was 19 and I am nearly 40 now. I miss her everyday. I could cry right now thinking about how much I miss her. I cry and laugh when I think of her. She wasn't what you think ideal grandparent should be. But I knew she loved us and I know I loved her.

The fact that she didn't babysit or buy us loads or get down to with us, doesn't change how much I loved her.

I would say she was a good nana. She was irreplaceable.

What she bought and what biscuits she had, really doesn't matter

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

That's hardly your MILs fault is it?

That’s beautiful @Angelofchaos.