AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

[Ideasplease322]

Oh don’t understand - you say you aren’t greedy, but your thread is about your mother in law not giving your children money? You expect her to pay - that’s the title of your thread.

The woman isn’t particularly interested I. Your children - she sounds like a bit of a cold fish. But she doesn’t have to give them money or food or anything. You don’t like her - I don’t think I would - but she doesn’t have to give you money. Expecting her to is greedy.

And you husband isn’t a lifelong bachelor. If he does a bachelor he would be a lifelong bachelor. He has, I assume; been married for at least 15 years. I also assume as his mother is still alive he wasn’t in his sunset years when he married you and became a father.

Do you mean she expected him to be a lifelong bachelor? And you think she is annoyed that he chose another path?

[Ideasplease322]

If he died a bachelor that should have read.

[dottiedodah]

caughtinanet OP clearly states that her MIL doesnt "buy them anything ,or even give them a few pounds when they visit" Obv no one is saying that DGP should go mad. but how much does it cost for some sweets /Crisps /Nice fruit or crayons /pencils and so on. My DGM was very generous as I grew up I realise .My Dad died when I was small ,and Mum had to work .DGP looked after me a lot and helped DM out financially as well .They were comfortably off but not rich just kind hearted!

[Killahangilion]

I don’t see DGC very often as we live overseas but I send presents to DGC for birthdays and Christmas but only very occasionally send anything outside those dates.

I didn’t realise it was expected? Oh dear.

[icedcoffees]

I really don't think it's fair to compare sets of grandparents like this.

Everyone is different - you know what she's like so just appreciate her for what she does. She visits weekly (or invites you over) and gives your children cash so they can buy things they really want - I really don't see what's wrong with that.

And most importantly, your children love her - isn't that what's important? Not biscuits and gifts?

[Roomonb]

Maybe think about how you express love and how you think people show they love you it may just be different for your MIL. If you think gifts are important than that may be why this upsets you so much. My love language is acts of service so I literally don’t care of people give me gifts or not, I prefer they don’t tbh I also prefer to buy my DD what I want her to have so happy with cash gifts and I choose things for her.

[Muggymama]

@KaleJuicer

My DM could have written your post about her MIL (my grandmother). We used to dread visiting compared to my other grandparents who showered us with treats. Fast forward 30 years and I’ve just inherited c.£200,000 from “stingy” grandparents, as have each of my siblings and cousins. Turns out grandparents had spent a lifetime not spoiling us so they could leave us each a generous inheritance.

Wow that is amazing, how lovely for you! My DC certainly don't dread visiting and do enjoy my MIL's company but she can be cold, doesn't respond when they say they love her, briefest of pats as leaving, no little biscuits etc. but they are not materialistic which I appreciate I may be coming across as. It's just the small gestures that are missed. I feel sad for them and a little frustrated, always have but am new to MN for those asking why commenting now🤣

[Ideasplease322]

I also assume this must be quite an elderly lady - assuming your husband was quite a bit older when you met.

Your children have been very lucky to get to know her. Good lesson that not everyone in their lives has the same outlook on life.

I think it’s lovely for them to learn that relationships aren’t just about what you get out of the person.

They can use this as a way to decide what type of grandparents they want to be.

But be careful - they will also be seeing how you react to a very old lady who you think should give them more money and material things.

My best friend had this dynamic. They inherited big money from the stingy granny. And always laugh at how bitter their mum was about to all.

[Muggymama]

@icedcoffees

I really don't think it's fair to compare sets of grandparents like this.

Everyone is different - you know what she's like so just appreciate her for what she does. She visits weekly (or invites you over) and gives your children cash so they can buy things they really want - I really don't see what's wrong with that.

And most importantly, your children love her - isn't that what's important? Not biscuits and gifts?

Of course tjat is important but still don't know why you can't have both🤷‍♀️
What is wrong with taking time and effort to have their favourite things in doesn't have to be much but to convey they are thought of away from visits.

[dottiedodah]

Icedcoffees The OP said clearly that DGM doesnt buy anything or even give them a few pounds when they visit !

[MouseholeCat]

I find it strange that what you're raising here is the money side of this. Does she love her Grandchildren and give them her time, love and attention? If she doesn't, that's the thing to be sad about... not the fact that she doesn't cough up.

[icedcoffees]

@dottiedodah

Icedcoffees The OP said clearly that DGM doesnt buy anything or even give them a few pounds when they visit !

I know that - and again, why is that a problem? She sees them weekly - why should she be giving them gifts or cash that often?

She gives cash at birthdays and Christmas - sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me.

[Muggymama]

@Ideasplease322

I also assume this must be quite an elderly lady - assuming your husband was quite a bit older when you met.

Your children have been very lucky to get to know her. Good lesson that not everyone in their lives has the same outlook on life.

I think it’s lovely for them to learn that relationships aren’t just about what you get out of the person.

They can use this as a way to decide what type of grandparents they want to be.

But be careful - they will also be seeing how you react to a very old lady who you think should give them more money and material things.

My best friend had this dynamic. They inherited big money from the stingy granny. And always laugh at how bitter their mum was about to all.

I appreciate your post, thanks for sharing.
I do not interact with her any differently than would if she lavished them with time, gifts and love. I love her, she is my DH's Mum and I also enjoy her company and am here if she ever needs it, without question, she knows that but there is an inner frustration and lack of understanding of her way with them. I do not let my children feel this as it would not be fair to them MIL or DH.

[icedcoffees]

Of course tjat is important but still don't know why you can't have both

Because that's not the kind of person she is. You're missing all the good stuff she does do because you're focusing on money, gifts and treats.

What is wrong with taking time and effort to have their favourite things in doesn't have to be much but to convey they are thought of away from visits.

Of course there's nothing wrong with that, but equally, she has no obligation to buy them treats or food if she doesn't want to. It doesn't negate the fact that she seems them on a very regular basis and clearly loves them (else she wouldn't bother seeing them at all).

Stop focusing on money, gifts and treats and focus on the fact that your kids are extremely lucky to have a grandparent who loves them and who is a regular feature on their lives!

[VickyEadieofThigh]

The 'not getting in their favourite biscuits' thing is weird, OP - most kids like most biscuits, surely? And if not, well - there you go.

[Muggymama]

@Ideasplease322

Oh don’t understand - you say you aren’t greedy, but your thread is about your mother in law not giving your children money? You expect her to pay - that’s the title of your thread.

The woman isn’t particularly interested I. Your children - she sounds like a bit of a cold fish. But she doesn’t have to give them money or food or anything. You don’t like her - I don’t think I would - but she doesn’t have to give you money. Expecting her to is greedy.

And you husband isn’t a lifelong bachelor. If he does a bachelor he would be a lifelong bachelor. He has, I assume; been married for at least 15 years. I also assume as his mother is still alive he wasn’t in his sunset years when he married you and became a father.

Do you mean she expected him to be a lifelong bachelor? And you think she is annoyed that he chose another path?

I think if you read my other posts you would have a greater understanding of where I'm coming from. Apologised earlier for thread title, totally wrong but have been unable to change.
I do like MIL, she likes me, I don't want her money, DH was not in any serious relationships, met me quite late therefore up until then appeared to be lifelong batchelor.
If we visit, I don't think it unreasonable to have snacks, drinks etc. for my DC....maybe that is greedy and entitled of me but hey ho!

[YoungWerther]

She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).

Or

I love her, she is my DH's Mum and I also enjoy her company

Which is it, OP?

Maybe she just recognises insincerity and greediness when she sees it and adjusts her spending accordingly?

[Bettyboopawoop]

You shouldn't expect anything, I was disgusted to find out my daughter in law was looking up what prices I had paid for presents.

[Muggymama]

@VickyEadieofThigh

The 'not getting in their favourite biscuits' thing is weird, OP - most kids like most biscuits, surely? And if not, well - there you go.

Maybe, I disagree and she doesn't have any biscuits, drinks, toys or anything else, never has.

[Muggymama]

@Bettyboopawoop

You shouldn't expect anything, I was disgusted to find out my daughter in law was looking up what prices I had paid for presents.

I would be too but I am certainly not like your DIL.

[1forAll74]

Not giving money or gifts, is not a sign of mean grandparents, and you should not compare it to the other grandparents. Expecting things as such, is a bad mindset.

[Muggymama]

@YoungWerther

She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).

Or

I love her, she is my DH's Mum and I also enjoy her company

Which is it, OP?

Maybe she just recognises insincerity and greediness when she sees it and adjusts her spending accordingly?

No insimcerity here, you can like someone and they annoy you, you know? Or are you lucky enough to have never had that?

[doorornottodoor]

I love giving gifts but not everyone does. It’s not how she shows love. If she enjoys them and shows love in other ways then don’t judge her because she’s different to your parents. My in laws are very different to me. They rarely give gifts but occasionally give a very large financial gift to us to put into the children’s’ bank accounts. They’d rather that than fritter money I think.

[MrsMaizel]

You have to recognise that some families are brought up in an entirely different way e.g. my ex MIL was brought up in a very straight laced family - no commenting on what other people wore even if it looked nice and very uncertain with my children eg what on earth do people find to talk about to children for so long ?🙄 My parents totally different ! That's how it goes ......plus I always think that children tend to see more of the mother's parents than the father's as it is Mum driving the visits and it is natural to compare and no one will be as good as your parents ?

[Poppydot3]

There are some very cold and harsh things said on here. What’s wrong with people. I love my grandchildren (and tell them so, often). I delight in them and take an interest in them. When they visit I have their favourite drinks, some sweet treats. If I see a book in a charity shop that I know will interest them, I buy it and send to them. Really, it costs small change. They are young atm, but I intend giving them pocket money when they are a bit older. I agree with you OP and I would definitely feel the same as you do.