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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to pay

235 replies

Muggymama · 01/08/2021 11:57

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 01/08/2021 15:09

Maybe, I disagree and she doesn't have any biscuits, drinks, toys or anything else, never has.

Why on earth should she?

I'm really sorry but I think that's an odd expectation - if you want your DC to have toys to play with at grandmas, then you need to buy them yourself - not expect her to provide them for you!

ineedaholidaynow · 01/08/2021 15:10

Does she not do biscuits at all, maybe she is someone who doesn't think children should be eating snacks?

Does she like clutter free house?

How old is she?

I don't think MIL has really ever bought DS gifts or given him money apart from at Christmas/birthday, and FIL definitely hasn't. probably not something their families ever did. But they love DS and he loves them. My DM has always given DS some money (usually £5-£10)whenever we go on holiday, and they bought some toys when he was little to have at their house (we saw them more regularly as they lived closer, other GPs were 5 hours away) I have never begrudged the fact that the other GPs didn't do this.

NeonDreams · 01/08/2021 15:10

YANBU and shame on anyone who says you are! I have found that the more money people have, the more tighter, stingier, self-absorbed and greedy they are, and I can only conclude that a lot of them are on this thread.

I'd drop little comments in front of her like 'mum always has little treats on hand for the DC when we visit, she's a very hands-on grandmother', 'my parents bought this for DC' etc.

Incidentally what does your DH say? You don't mention of you've had any discussions together? Does he notice the difference between his parents and yours?

ineedaholidaynow · 01/08/2021 15:16

@NeonDreams why would you do that, that is so rude. The DC like the MIL, there does not appear to be a problem with their relationship, it is only the OP that has the problem. They see the MIL every week, why should she be expected to provide gifts/cash on these visits.

Roomonb · 01/08/2021 15:16

Do you buy her things and always have her favourite biscuits in etc?

Panickingpavlova · 01/08/2021 15:17

Op I've only read page 1 but you said "she gives cash and I have to buy gifts"

You don't have to do anything, you couid have opened a junior isa for them and put the money straight into that, even minimal amounts add up and and maybe would have been a good hint to her..

Panickingpavlova · 01/08/2021 15:18

But yes it seems selfish and thoughtless.

Our in laws are like this although they do the bare minimum and then rub it in as though it's incredibly generous which makes it worse!

Chish · 01/08/2021 15:19

Sorry but you need to accept she's a tight arse and not particularly interested in her grandchildren.

There is bugger all you can do about it unfortunately and I completely understand how upsetting and frustrating it is.

Me? I'd take a step back. I would rise above it and not think about it. I would also make sure she is kept at arms length.

Panickingpavlova · 01/08/2021 15:20

Iced coffee, every friends mum has sourced toys for their grandchild at their house, that could be from charity shops, their friends where ever but they do make an effort to get their gc toys to play with.

dottiedodah · 01/08/2021 15:21

NeonDreams Hear hear! I was beginning to think I was in a minority of one here. I agree that many well off people seem to have a problem with moths ,as their purses/wallets arent open very often.I am a DGP in waiting here! Cant wait to have a LO to take out ,show him /her off ,buy in some nice treats and so on .This DGM seems selfish and shallow to me .I have noticed that many people in their 70s/80s seem to have very comfortable lives,good pensions and had a job for life situation .Yet seem to feel very "poor" somehow!

Roomonb · 01/08/2021 15:21

I’m thinking if my DD had kids I would probably not be buying them little treats etc. Firstly she may not want them to have them and secondly I bloody hate it when people give me stuff that just means my house is cluttered with things other people like. I would most likely give her cash or lump sums if possible so she can buy what she deems to be suitable. But again I don’t think gift giving is an expression of love. I think taking your time to cook with a child or garden with them, read them a book is more valuable. But thats me. I don’t want my DD growing up thinking gifts or treats are love either, it would disappoint me if she measured love like that.

caughtinanet · 01/08/2021 15:22

I'd drop little comments in front of her like 'mum always has little treats on hand for the DC when we visit, she's a very hands-on grandmother', 'my parents bought this for DC' etc

If you came to my house and said things like that I'd think you were a little deranged and feel sorry for my theoretical son who'd married you

Panickingpavlova · 01/08/2021 15:22

Op I guess you mean, she's had this sort of unexpected bounty of gc.. Who have enriched her life and she seems to enjoy but its rather one way..

Panickingpavlova · 01/08/2021 15:26

Dottie agree

Coyoacan · 01/08/2021 15:28

I was going to say that it must have been awful for your husband having a mother like that, but The children do love her very much and tell her

She must be doing something right then and that is all that matters.

The only grandmother I had I didn't love at all, but it was much worse for my mother having her as a mother.

icedcoffees · 01/08/2021 15:28

@Panickingpavlova

Iced coffee, every friends mum has sourced toys for their grandchild at their house, that could be from charity shops, their friends where ever but they do make an effort to get their gc toys to play with.
Well, that's not my experience.

If I visited grandparents, my parents would be the ones to provide toys, colouring books etc. to keep me entertained. They may have bought stuff for me to leave at my grandparents' but it was always them who paid for them, sourced them etc.

Anyway, neither way is wrong - everyone does things differently. Grandparents who shower their grandchildren in gifts aren't inherently better than ones who don't.

Soontobe60 · 01/08/2021 15:28

@Muggymama

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10. She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda). My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc. AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL? She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc. I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.
I was going to agree with you up until you said this: She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age I too am of that generation. I went to university, didn’t leave with debt, have a pension. However, I live in a small terraced house, am still working part time as my pension isn’t enough to live on, and my daughters both live in houses that cost far more than mine; dd2 has just bought a house that’s double the cost of mine, DD1 has just bought one just short of £1mil. Both left Uni with student loans, both have worked very hard and paid most of their loans off, neither of them have expected hand outs from anyone. Their lives are far better than mine at their ages,
TooManyDinosaurs1 · 01/08/2021 15:38

You sound grabby. I wouldn't expect anyone to buy my children anything grandparents or not. Personally if grandparents want to spend on the kids (I neither ask nor expect) I'd rather we chose whatever it is anyway.

My in laws spend lots on our children but insist on buying what THEY want to buy. I've asked them to either run by us what they are getting or just let us get things our children need/want but no they want to chose. What we get is piles of expensive clothes (dressed up things like shirts, fancy dresses etc that you would wear once to a wedding, not normal comfy baby/toddler child clothes), hideous outdated presents, unsuitable for age presents, duplicate presents, oversized presents that don't fit in the house or garden (they bought an outdoor play house one Xmas, no discussion about it, it had to be returned as it was a plastic monstrosity that took over the garden). I'd love it if they said "could you get the kids Xmas presents, this is the budget..."

I guess grandparents can't win whichever way they do it, someone will always complain!

thecognoscenti · 01/08/2021 15:38

You're horribly grasping and greedy. Maybe she thinks your children are already spoilt enough and don't need her scampering out to get their favourite biscuits etc for when they come over? Perhaps she mistakenly thinks her company might be good enough?

TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 15:45

Both my MIL and my mum are from the school of hard knocks, this sweeping generalisation that olders all had it easier really is myopic. I fall into the category of free education, they never imagined it would apply to them. They grafted for mortgages that could only be on a mans salary and lived with parents until they could afford deposits. Nothing on credit ever.

MIL has set ideas on how much should be spent on birthday and Christmas but always has the kids favourite sweets in on a visit, which is typically planned. Isn't demonstrative but is engaged and enjoys the kids progress and conversation.

My mum would give the kids the shirt off her back, finds them if they don't find her, is a joker, conspirator and would forgive them any sin. Couldn't care less about milestones or exams as long as they are happy and healthy. Has a special treat cupboard and expects them to treat her home as theirs.

The kids show no favourite, they understand each GP's ways and never criticise or big up either. My point, kids don't give a shit really, they're usually just content with their lot.

Nancydrawn · 01/08/2021 15:51

How old is your husband, OP?

Lifelong bachelor sounds like he was 45-50 when he met you, having never had a girlfriend before. Which would mean she had almost half a century of being in her own rhythms before grandchildren came about.

Also, some people aren't overly fond of kids but are great when they get older. I had an aunt who never was particularly hands on when I was a child, but when I grew into my late teens became quite close to me and took me out to lovely fancy dinners and trips to the opera. It turns out she just didn't like kid things.

TSSDNCOP · 01/08/2021 15:56

YANBU and shame on anyone who says you are!

Shame on us? For disagreeing and explaining why. For goodness sakes, have a grip.

Wtfdoipick · 01/08/2021 15:58

I'm finding this interesting and the replies, my own parents are more like your mil but I would never doubt in a million years that they adore all their grandchildren. I know that if anything was ever absolutely needed they would be there to help, their Grandchildren know it too but I don't think they've ever given spending money, provided treats etc and I wouldn't really appreciate it if they did. To me this just appears to be a complete mismatch of expectations and experiences.

FatCatThinCat · 01/08/2021 16:02

I don't think it's greedy or grasping to be upset that grandparents don't treat their grandkids. My grandma always kept our favourite treats in her cupboard in case we popped round. My MIL brings my DD's favourite treats halfway round the world when she comes to visit and DD is only her step grandchild. It speaks volumes that the OP's MIL doesn't bother.

ChargingBuck · 01/08/2021 16:04

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

& how, exactly, is this your MiL's fault?

You do realise you chose to have children, & they are your responsibility, not your MiL's, don't you?

Maybe she isn't especially maternal.
She came from a generation when it was almost unthinkable for women not to have children. You could have chosen not to ... but you wanted them, so save up & help them out yourself, if you want them to have a university education.