AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

[Seeline]

How often does she see the grandchildren? I'm assuming there isn't a FIL?

[ImInStealthMode]

YABU OP. While it's obviously not the norm and it's lovely when there are close relationships, Grandparents aren't obliged to treat, fuss over or even be interested in their Grandchildren.

They're your children; not hers. Their needs should be entirely met by you, a good relationship with your parents is a bonus. Don't waste your energy worrying about your MIL, just let her get on with life her way. So long as she's not cold or cruel towards the DC she doesn't need to be Supergran.

[Mrgrinch]

Your attitude is all wrong.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Pay for what?

[saywhatn]

Is she generally interested in the dc? I would be more concerned with that. It's nice to be treated but you can't expect it.

[Muggymama]

@RightYesButNo

While I understand you might wish things were different, you’ve had 15 years to get used to the fact that’s how she is. I assume she wasn’t interested when they were born? Or…?

Also I don’t know if you exactly mean your title (I hope not; it sounds quite greedy). I’m hoping/thinking from reading your OP, you mean that you wish your MIL would show some interest in your DC’s interests and spoiling them, as is typical of grandparents. I imagine if she had a good relationship with them and was very demonstrative snd supportive (called them once a week, asked them about their lives and hobbies, kept track of when big events were and congratulated them), you probably wouldn’t mind if she didn’t give them “treats.” It’s the combination of that PLUS the fact that she seems not to care about them at all.

If that’s the case, I’m sorry, OP, as I’m sure you had a mental picture of a relationship with two sets of grandparents for your children, and it hasn’t worked out.

I know title is bad, I couldn't think what to call it🙈
I don't think I'm being greedy as we do, of course, give our DC what they need, just my parents and grandparents would always slip us a few pence or have our favourite biscuits, sweets, deinks if we were visiting.

[AllTheSingleLadiess]

Yabu to expect a grown adult to change. She's presumably been like this her whole life and I bet that she came from a family where children only got gifts bar Xmas and birthday too.

It would be great if she shared her wealth but maybe she's not as wealthy as you think. Perhaps she is worried about her money lasting too. Do you have a FIL (your h's dad)?

[Babyroobs]

YANBU.

[PaddleBlue]

@Returnoftheowl

Children shouldn't be pay-per-view...

No, but OP isn’t suggesting they should be so I get it, she’s not really showing any kind of effort is she, it’s not about the actual money itself

[GenderAKAStereotypes]

"AIBU to expect MIL to pay..."

Can you finish the sentence? What exactly are you expecting her to pay for?

[GenderAKAStereotypes]

Finish the question I mean!

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

It's knowing what their favourite things are, what they like to do, their interests etc. that's what I mean about knowing and understanding them

But you equated those things with treats not knowledge alone.

[Muggymama]

@ApolloandDaphne

Pay for what?

I started to wite post and didn't change title, I know that sounds all wrong and had only written that while thought of appropriate title. It is not about money, more an attitude to the grandkids that they don't matter.

[Inni632]

Does she do other nice things? Does she cook them their favourite meals? Want to spend time with them? Take them out?

My parents are very generous and always buy DS lavish gifts. My in-laws don't buy gifts at all but are constantly inviting us round and spoiling DS with love and attention. Always cooking his favourite food and baking his favourite desserts. FIL enjoys gardening so loves spending time in garden with DS. MIL is forever reading books and joining him with Peppa pig.

I don't expect any gifts from them. They do more than enough and DS knows how loved he is by both family

[RadandMad]

I don't think it's about the money, is it? It's about the kindness and thoughtfulness for the grand kids, and wanting to build a relationship with them. Tbh, it sounds like she's just not bothered, so she'll get the relationship with them that she wants/deserves, because your kids will naturally gravitate to the grandparents who give a shit.

[Eviethyme]

I would be hurt because my mum spends every last penny of hers in my kids even when I say don't you dare. She just loves them so much and wants to treat them. It's constantly the toy they want or the food they want etc and even if she didn't treat that much I would be confused to have a grandparent not spend anything on the kids when they are well off.

[Muggymama]

@bluebeck

AIBU to expect MIL to pay???

What do you mean? She should be giving you money?

You sound really jealous of MIL

That is quite a funny and incorrect assumption!
I do not want her money or need it and never have. My title was misleading, I accept that!

[Muggymama]

@Eviethyme

I would be hurt because my mum spends every last penny of hers in my kids even when I say don't you dare. She just loves them so much and wants to treat them. It's constantly the toy they want or the food they want etc and even if she didn't treat that much I would be confused to have a grandparent not spend anything on the kids when they are well off.

This exactly is how mine are. I just genuinely don't understand her that is all.

[Seeline]

Does she live nearby? See the children often?

[Grapewrath]

There’s a strange thing on mumsnet that once adults are grown they shouldn’t have any expectations of their parents from a support perspective or as grandparents.
They aren’t obliged to make an effort with your kids however neither should they expect anything from you in terms of effort or care etc. I don’t mean financially but I’m general.
My parents have never bothered and while it’s not an obligation I do think they’re crap grandparents as a result.
My advice is to focus on those who love and cherish your kids

[Hoppinggreen]

How much money do you think she should pay to see her grandchildren?
Some people like to spend money on other people and some don’t. If she doesn’t buy them anything for Birthdays and Christmas that’s a whole other thing but apart from that she’s under no obligation to spend anything- and neither are you

[Fluto]

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

This is spouted often on here. To have gone onto further education back then you'd already be from a relatively well off family. The expectation for many was that they were contributing financially to the household as soon as possible, and college to study something vocational was usually the case.

Student debt is only paid back now if you earn over x amount, and even then its a small amount, I'm not sure where the idea that people are saddled with it comes from. If you don't go on to earn a decent wage following your degree then you don't pay it back, if you do, then although of course after x amount of time in the workplace you might be on the same wage as someone with a degree so it's not always the case, but having a degree usually leads to increased income over someone's working life, therefore you're still better off even with paying some back each month. It's then written off after 30 years and in some other circumstances, unless a very high earner most people don't pay back as much as they borrow. It doesn't affect getting a mortgage etc, aside from the monthly payment being taken into account, but it isn't like they say oh you owe £40k so you can't have a loan. Social mobility is very much easier than it was then, even though there is still a way to go.

Grandparents have no obligation to buy stuff for their grandchildren or to spend time with them.

[ancientgran]

@FourEyesGood

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

I would love this instead of the weird shit that my in-laws buy for our children at birthdays and Christmas.

Oh yes, my late MIL would arrive with two big black bin bags of stuff for each child. Most of it never played with. She was all about volume and had some strange ideas. Money would have been such a relief or even asking for suggestions or taking the hint that 8 bin bags of random stuff for kids who also got presents from other GPs and aunts and uncles and even their parents was just too much.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

How is she with them? Is she good with them when they are there?

[RosesAndHellebores]

Interesting. My mother, lots of presents, pocket money, ott at Christmas. MIL was tighter than a ducks bottom. And then decided to pay their uni fees. £27k each.v