AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

[Kylereese]

I know what you mean OP.

It’s not that I need financial help, or expect her to pay for anything for my kids as such, but it would be really nice if she would occasionally give them a pound for sweets or some holiday money or something.

She is the tightest person on the planet who has actually scrounger/not paid her way on a couple of occasions, which is her loss because now I avoid her.

[IonaLeg]

I get it OP. It’s not about the money itself - it’s that she’s not interested enough in the kids to want to treat them or even to know what they want and like. You’re not asking her to throw twenties around every time she sees them - you just want her to show enough care to go ‘hey, I know you love Oreos so I got some in, let’s have a cup of tea and a chat’ etc.

It doesn’t sound like she shows a lot of affection in other ways either, which is where you’re coming from on this. Not about money - more about expressing joy in the relationship.

Sadly, relationships are what they are; and it doesn’t sound like she will ever be the grandparent your own parents are. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t fond of the kids in her way, or that they won’t feel fondly towards her too. And she may come into her own when they’re adults.

[Muggymama]

@TooManyDinosaurs1

You sound grabby. I wouldn't expect anyone to buy my children anything grandparents or not. Personally if grandparents want to spend on the kids (I neither ask nor expect) I'd rather we chose whatever it is anyway.

My in laws spend lots on our children but insist on buying what THEY want to buy. I've asked them to either run by us what they are getting or just let us get things our children need/want but no they want to chose. What we get is piles of expensive clothes (dressed up things like shirts, fancy dresses etc that you would wear once to a wedding, not normal comfy baby/toddler child clothes), hideous outdated presents, unsuitable for age presents, duplicate presents, oversized presents that don't fit in the house or garden (they bought an outdoor play house one Xmas, no discussion about it, it had to be returned as it was a plastic monstrosity that took over the garden). I'd love it if they said "could you get the kids Xmas presents, this is the budget..."

I guess grandparents can't win whichever way they do it, someone will always complain!

I may sound grabby to you but tbh you sound unappreciative and a tad controlling. Guess we Mum's can't win either😊

[Muggymama]

@ChargingBuck

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

& how, exactly, is this your MiL's fault?

You do realise you chose to have children, & they are your responsibility, not your MiL's, don't you?

Maybe she isn't especially maternal.
She came from a generation when it was almost unthinkable for women not to have children. You could have chosen not to ... but you wanted them, so save up & help them out yourself, if you want them to have a university education.

Strangely I did realise I made a choice, none were unplanned. Of course my DC are my responsibility and they are well cared and provided for, you have taken an observation I made and twisted it to mean I want her to provide for them, that is absolutely not the case!

[Duchess379]

I never received money/gifts/holidays from either set of my grandparents... 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Muggymama]

@ThatsWhatYouThink

'She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.'

YABU for this statement alone.
I'm probably your MiL's age - early 60's. I started part time work at 15, full time at 16 - my DP's couldn't afford for me to go on to higher education, I had to work and contribute to the household.
And maybe my generation have better pensions because we started contributing at a much earlier age due to not being able to go to uni etc etc. My retirement age is 66 so not particularly early.
The ignorance and generalisation on MN threads is astounding.

No, you are being presumptous, she is older than you and retired a lot younger than you are now, she went to university and worked part time but does receive a handsome pension. I feel my DC will be having to work until much later.
There may be generalisations but that is exactly what you are doing too.
This though is an aside to my OP as it is about being present, not just there, I mean by that listening to and noticing what they like and very occassionally, having that for them. I do understand we are all different though and cannot change it, just upsets me for them sometimes.

[ineedaholidaynow]

But if your children don't mind, why are you upset for them? You seem to be trying to find fault, where there isn't necessarily fault.

Families are different, it would be deadly dull if we were all the same.

How often do you see your parents?

[Angelofchaos]

I do understand we are all different though and cannot change it, just upsets me for them sometimes.

Then you don't really understand we are all different. If you did, it wouldn't upset you.

[Muggymama]

She gives money to buy birthday and Christmas presents, it's not entitled IMO to think there should be a little thought or care on her side but thanks for taking the time to share anyway.
Maybe I was spoilt by DGP's when I was growing up looking at some of the responses.

[ineedaholidaynow]

It’s not necessarily being spoiled it’s just that families do things differently. You just don’t seem to get that.

Many GPs don’t understand what some children are into nowadays. My DM gives me money to get gifts for DS. She doesn’t have access to the internet and doesn’t know anything about gaming, so asking her to get a PS4 game means absolutely nothing to her. But she and DS will happily chat about snooker when that is on the TV.

Your DC seem happy with MIL and surely that is the most important thing

[ChargingBuck]

you have taken an observation I made and twisted it to mean I want her to provide for them, that is absolutely not the case!

No twisting happening here.

You have banged on about your MiL's career & pension, your supposition that she somehow had it easier than you, whinged that your children will need to go into debt to go to university, & made several mean statements about MiL's life choices, speculated about the value of hr assets & implied that she should somehow be responsible for making your kids' lives financially easier at they attain adulthood.

You wrote all that, but anytime PP point it out to you, you backtrack & whine that you didn't mean it, & make grandiose statements about how happy you are with your successful life.

So how about you focus on your own life, be happy that you have 3 healthy children, & STFU about a woman who has also made her own life, comes to see her GC once a week, & owes you nothing?

[maddening]

Yabu to expect mil to provide more than she wants to, yanbu to treat her as she treats you.

[Muggymama]

@ChargingBuck

you have taken an observation I made and twisted it to mean I want her to provide for them, that is absolutely not the case!

No twisting happening here.

You have banged on about your MiL's career & pension, your supposition that she somehow had it easier than you, whinged that your children will need to go into debt to go to university, & made several mean statements about MiL's life choices, speculated about the value of hr assets & implied that she should somehow be responsible for making your kids' lives financially easier at they attain adulthood.

You wrote all that, but anytime PP point it out to you, you backtrack & whine that you didn't mean it, & make grandiose statements about how happy you are with your successful life.

So how about you focus on your own life, be happy that you have 3 healthy children, & STFU about a woman who has also made her own life, comes to see her GC once a week, & owes you nothing?

Oh my gosh, sorry if I have touched a nerve!
She absolutely owes me nothing and I have never said she does.
Maybe you need to have a lie down after your little outburst!

[Muggymama]

@ChargingBuck

you have taken an observation I made and twisted it to mean I want her to provide for them, that is absolutely not the case!

No twisting happening here.

You have banged on about your MiL's career & pension, your supposition that she somehow had it easier than you, whinged that your children will need to go into debt to go to university, & made several mean statements about MiL's life choices, speculated about the value of hr assets & implied that she should somehow be responsible for making your kids' lives financially easier at they attain adulthood.

You wrote all that, but anytime PP point it out to you, you backtrack & whine that you didn't mean it, & make grandiose statements about how happy you are with your successful life.

So how about you focus on your own life, be happy that you have 3 healthy children, & STFU about a woman who has also made her own life, comes to see her GC once a week, & owes you nothing?

BTW I have made no grandiose remarks, we are a happy unit with what we need...no more, no less.
Apologies if you think I was bragging about successful life, just doing my best and not always well but we're thankfully okay!

[Mymapuddlington]

@ChargingBuck I agree completely

[Panickingpavlova]

Charging buck that's extremely harsh.

I assume ops Mil does treasure her gc and appreciates them?!! Ie she also gets something from their existence

[ChargingBuck]

Oh my gosh, sorry if I have touched a nerve!
Not at all, I'm not the one who felt the need to start a thread speculating about the value of my relative's pensions & assets.

She absolutely owes me nothing and I have never said she does.
Um, apart from "expecting MiL to pay"?
Or blaming her for student tuition fees, in order to justify your feeling that she has enough money to subsidise your childrens' university aspirations?

Maybe you need to have a lie down after your little outburst!
No fainting couch for me, it's just distasteful to write a whole thread dedicated to slagging off your DH's mother because you feel she should put her hand in her pocket for you.

[Muggymama]

I did not do any of the things you accise me of ChargingBuck. There were observations, I'm not blaming anybody especially my MIL🙄.
Title was off I agree and not what I wanted to convey but there you go.
You are the one responding to my thread, a simple UABU would have done but I think I have gathered your view, thanks for that! 😊

[Seeline]

How old is your MIL?

[Muggymama]

@Seeline

How old is your MIL?

She's early 70's and it may be a generational thing. AIBU seems to be 50:50 so imagine it depends a little on own childhood and experiences of GP's🤷‍♀️.

[Panickingpavlova]

Iona leg has summed it up,
. You'll never get a decent response when you mention money on here!!

[Ideasplease322]

So she was in her fifties when she became a grandmother, yet her son was a lifelong bachelor?

You want money from her, but you don’t.

You titles the thread about her paying, then when there was a backlash it wasn’t about money but emotion. Yet you are annoyed she got free university and childcare.

She never buys them anything or gives them money, but she give you money to buy the, things.

It’s about biscuits, but it’s not.

This thread is very confusing.

The world is made up of different types of people. I think you need to accept her for who she is.

And look into how your husband and mother in law are the same age😂

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Just remember to be as generous with your time when she is elderly or infirm as she has been with you. Sometimes people reap what they sow

[ineedaholidaynow]

@Willyoujustbequiet she sees them weekly! How much more should she see them?

[Muggymama]

@Ideasplease322

So she was in her fifties when she became a grandmother, yet her son was a lifelong bachelor?

You want money from her, but you don’t.

You titles the thread about her paying, then when there was a backlash it wasn’t about money but emotion. Yet you are annoyed she got free university and childcare.

She never buys them anything or gives them money, but she give you money to buy the, things.

It’s about biscuits, but it’s not.

This thread is very confusing.

The world is made up of different types of people. I think you need to accept her for who she is.

And look into how your husband and mother in law are the same age😂

It is no wonder you are confused... MIL same age as husband, where did you get that?
Guess IABU as asked for opinion but getting this, thanks though😂