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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to pay

235 replies

Muggymama · 01/08/2021 11:57

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 01/08/2021 13:42

She doesn’t have to conform to your views of a grandparent.

Also, how is your husband a lifeline bachelor if he has three kids and a wife? Are you suggesting that had your husband married younger she would be a different type of grandparent?

You sound really, really, really greedy.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/08/2021 13:44

OP, I think you have to remove your expectations of MIL. She is nothing like your parents which is a shame but it is her money to do what she likes with. I don’t think you were wrong initially to expect her to want to treat the grandchildren but as she has shown you over the years she isn’t interested you are now being unreasonable to expect her to change,

Accept she has no interest and, if suits, show her the same level of interest in her life.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/08/2021 13:44

@Muggymama do you think your DC would love MIL even more if she threw money at them? If she did give treats would you then think that she could have spent more if she only gave them say something worth a couple of pounds

Original poster
Muggymama · 01/08/2021 13:45

@PalmsandCharms

Why do the younger generation seem to have this barmy idea that things were easier for the older generation?

it certainly wasn't easier at all.....expected to leave school at 15/16....no opportunities to extend education/attend university. ...expected to take the first (low paid) menial job that came along..... 16%.mortgage rates often coupled with 100% mortgages and endowment mortgages......no opportunity to travel due to low income and not much left over after mortgage payments....no pension provisions as every penny was needed so nothing available to pay into a pension....no Help to Buy scheme (it was simply unheard of for a first time buyer to get a new build house - unlike today).

Most of the younger generation earn the same (if not more) than I do even if they haven't been to uni.

And yet I expect your parents still own their own home outright? Mine certaimly do and from not much older than I am now, they were never well off and lived through all you mentioned.
OP posts:
honeybuns007 · 01/08/2021 13:46

Frankly she sounds like a crap grandparent. No wee gifts, no treats, doesn't provide lunch when you all go over, doesn't even have the kids favourite biscuits etc. but the pinnacle is that she never tells them she loves them? She really sounds like a hard piece of work. I'd go LC

rwalker · 01/08/2021 13:49

You need to except everyone is differnet she's doing nothing wrong just different to your parents .

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/08/2021 13:49

@Ideasplease322

She doesn’t have to conform to your views of a grandparent.

Also, how is your husband a lifeline bachelor if he has three kids and a wife? Are you suggesting that had your husband married younger she would be a different type of grandparent?

You sound really, really, really greedy.

I was confused in the life long bachelor too, I thought it meant single not a wife and three children who have been born for some time.

Maybe she senses the money element and refuses to comply. I would too.

SecretSpAD · 01/08/2021 13:50

And yet I expect your parents still own their own home outright?

Probably after spending 25 odd years paying the mortgage.

However, I know many, many older people who couldn't afford to buy because even when house prices were less, their wages were so low that they couldn't get a mortgage. Many of them couldn't afford rent for a decent house either so lived in conditions thst would not be acceptable today.

Your MIL is wealthy and your parents managed to pay their mortgage off like practically everyone who has a mortgage does after a period of time.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/08/2021 13:52

I assume if both sets of grandparents own their own homes outright you or your DC will benefit from that at some point

SecretSpAD · 01/08/2021 13:52

Maybe she senses the money element and refuses to comply. I would too.

This. I refuse to believe that the OPs attitude towards her isn't very obvious!

Original poster
Muggymama · 01/08/2021 13:55

@SecretSpAD

Maybe she senses the money element and refuses to comply. I would too.

This. I refuse to believe that the OPs attitude towards her isn't very obvious!

You can refuse what you like, that's your opinion but it is wrong! Definitely not greedy, do not wish for anything for myself....I am very secure, comfortable and happy thank you very much, I just struggle to understand her sometimes!
OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 01/08/2021 13:56

Why do people think loving someone means buying them stuff all the time?

Mymapuddlington · 01/08/2021 13:57

The older generation who have money tend to be tight with it because it will be for a more important thing like education or house deposit.
Why is this bothering you now after 15 years? Surely you had children for yourself, not for her?

tara66 · 01/08/2021 13:57

OP why don't you just have a long talk to MIL about money and gifts - get it all off your chest? Start with something like -'' you must be worth at least £1million+ but you never give the children biscuits or treats like my much poor parents do.?''etc. Then you can ask her about who is in her Will and whether your family will be gifted any lump sums soon while she is still alive to avoid IHT.

Zombiemum1946 · 01/08/2021 13:57

I see this being as the way she is and is probably down to her upbringing and life experience. My GPS were very different. One set very affectionate the other not. I knew I was loved but it was never said. One set had strong views on corporal punishment (to the point of wickedness in my view) but we were never punished by them in that way but my father was. .The other much less so. Due to this, my father struggles with being openly affectionate but my mother didn't. The same dynamic existed with my pils I wouldn't focus on the money but rather just work with how she is. She just sounds very reserved and I would say that's very normal for her generation. When my father told me how was punished as a child, I was horrified, but it was deemed normal at the time.

dottiedodah · 01/08/2021 13:58

Cannot believe some of these replies! So no DGP ever buy presents/give money for their DGC? My DGP used to buy things for me ,and give me pocket money as well.When my own DC were small ,she bought garden toys and clothes for them .One time DD was very unwell as a baby and needed a special feed which was expensive paid for that as well! I think MIL is a little tight fisted TBH!

PrincessNutella · 01/08/2021 13:58

At first I thought you were unreasonable. But now I think this is not about the money. It is about the interest that she does not show to your children. I don't think she needs to give you or your children a penny of your money. But I do think it would be nice to have your children's favorite biscuits, and to listen to them.

Original poster
Muggymama · 01/08/2021 13:58

@Ideasplease322

She doesn’t have to conform to your views of a grandparent.

Also, how is your husband a lifeline bachelor if he has three kids and a wife? Are you suggesting that had your husband married younger she would be a different type of grandparent?

You sound really, really, really greedy.

I appreciate your view and expected a range of opinion as I posted on public forum but you are incorrect, I am definitely not greedy! Lifelong batchelor before he met me obvsiously!!! Surely that's not too confusing?
OP posts:
Fortyfivepotholes · 01/08/2021 14:02

I think your title has got people unfairly on your backs OP. It costs pence to get in a packet of Jammy dodgers or some colouring pencils and paper in and that makes your children feel welcome there. The children don’t have to be slipped a fiver every time they visit to feel appreciated.

And whilst I am a little over the “ill give you the money and you decide presents for the kids” mentality, I’ve also decided the disappointment when they get it wrong isn’t worth it. (Me: “Buy them lego, any Lego, they love Lego, and it all goes together, and duplicates are fine”. Relative: “so I’ve bought this thing which is a bit like Lego but has smaller pieces and is entirely self contained and if you lose one piece the whole set is screwed”)

caughtinanet · 01/08/2021 14:03

@dottiedodah

Cannot believe some of these replies! So no DGP ever buy presents/give money for their DGC? My DGP used to buy things for me ,and give me pocket money as well.When my own DC were small ,she bought garden toys and clothes for them .One time DD was very unwell as a baby and needed a special feed which was expensive paid for that as well! I think MIL is a little tight fisted TBH!
Are you reading a different thread? Nowhere does anyone say that no grandparent buys presents Confused

People are all different, great that your parents bought some special feed but that doesn't mean that someone who doesn't is tightfisted

Life isn't black and white, you're ignoring any kind of nuance

HelloMissus · 01/08/2021 14:03

I find GPs that are disinterested in their grandchildren strange.
But then I’m from a big extended family where everyone is interested in everyone and Grandmas and Aunties still buy my kids Easter eggs even though they’re in their 20s Grin

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/08/2021 14:06

I do not have kids so my much-loved younger brother's two girls (now 20 and 16) have been my surrogate 'grandkids'. I began determined to buy them gifts suitable for them, related to their interests, etc - and not just bung them a wodge of cash like my parents did - until I realised that 'my' view of this probably didn't align with theirs!

I began bunging them a wodge of cash each birthday and Xmas and am making a substantial contribution to older girl's university fees. I shall do the same for the younger one. I do know that my brother does not think this is me being 'disinterested'.

It may be that the OP's MIL has exactly that in mind...

KaleJuicer · 01/08/2021 14:08

My DM could have written your post about her MIL (my grandmother). We used to dread visiting compared to my other grandparents who showered us with treats. Fast forward 30 years and I’ve just inherited c.£200,000 from “stingy” grandparents, as have each of my siblings and cousins. Turns out grandparents had spent a lifetime not spoiling us so they could leave us each a generous inheritance.

PalmsandCharms · 01/08/2021 14:18

@Muggymama
Sadly not. Parents live in social housing and always have done

FangsForTheMemory · 01/08/2021 14:19

My grandparents gave us very little. On one side they weren’t well off and on the other had the attitude that we were spoilt (we weren’t. Our parents were broke). YABU.

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