AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

[ancientgran]

By the way I think the 15 year old would probably prefer the cash, the others might as well. My older GC love money and pick their own things.

[ancientgran]

@RosesAndHellebores

Interesting. My mother, lots of presents, pocket money, ott at Christmas. MIL was tighter than a ducks bottom. And then decided to pay their uni fees. £27k each.v

Good point, she might be saving for something like that.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think it's perfectly normal for grandparents to buy the odd treat. It can be something little like favourite sweets or the odd £1 coin for their money box, it's that feeling of being though of when your not their that children like.

[Muggymama]

@Seeline

Does she live nearby? See the children often?

Not too far away and does visit weekly but then brings her newspaper or puts her programmes on. When we visit her we take lunch for everyone and there are no snacks, drinks etc. that the children like.
She has never been hands on, changed nappies, taken children out etc. I suppose I thought she wasn't comfortable when they were younger but it would grow but sadly hasn't.
My parents are the opposite so perhaps that's why I find it strange.

[vivainsomnia]

Did she get to bond with them as well as your mother? Do they themselves show love and care? Do they call her on her birthday, or do they tell her they love her?

Many kids don't bond much with grandparents and grandparents don't bond that well with them. It can be hard to get the kids things and get very little in return so it's actually easier to get them nothing so not to experience desappointment.

[ancientgran]

@Fluto

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age.

This is spouted often on here. To have gone onto further education back then you'd already be from a relatively well off family. The expectation for many was that they were contributing financially to the household as soon as possible, and college to study something vocational was usually the case.

Student debt is only paid back now if you earn over x amount, and even then its a small amount, I'm not sure where the idea that people are saddled with it comes from. If you don't go on to earn a decent wage following your degree then you don't pay it back, if you do, then although of course after x amount of time in the workplace you might be on the same wage as someone with a degree so it's not always the case, but having a degree usually leads to increased income over someone's working life, therefore you're still better off even with paying some back each month. It's then written off after 30 years and in some other circumstances, unless a very high earner most people don't pay back as much as they borrow. It doesn't affect getting a mortgage etc, aside from the monthly payment being taken into account, but it isn't like they say oh you owe £40k so you can't have a loan. Social mobility is very much easier than it was then, even though there is still a way to go.

Grandparents have no obligation to buy stuff for their grandchildren or to spend time with them.

Very true, depending on her age of course, things could have been very tough, 16% mortgages weren't great, women earning less than men for the same job (I only stood that in my first job as a teenager but it was common) small minority going to uni.

[Walkingthedog46]

She may think the kids have enough on a day-to-day basis and be quietly putting money aside each month into an account for the grandchildren. This is what a I do.

[Muggymama]

@RosesAndHellebores

Interesting. My mother, lots of presents, pocket money, ott at Christmas. MIL was tighter than a ducks bottom. And then decided to pay their uni fees. £27k each.v

That is so lovely of your MIL😊 Sure it is not this though.

[Italiangreyhound]

Her loss. Very sad. YANBU.

[NeedNewKnees]

Your initial post comes across as very grasping - like unless they are slipping the grandcxhildren a fiver every visit, grandparents don't deserve visits.

Some people express affection through gift giving, some through time together, and some are pretty hands-off. All of that is OK

You seem to resent her being well off.

[Seeline]

How old is she? You say your DH was a confirmed bachelor, so assuming he was older when you got together. Is he an only child if no other GCs?

[Freddiefox]

I think it depends on how much a part of the family she is. Is she held at arms length, or is she invited to events and gatherings.

[ancientgran]

@vivainsomnia

Did she get to bond with them as well as your mother? Do they themselves show love and care? Do they call her on her birthday, or do they tell her they love her?

Many kids don't bond much with grandparents and grandparents don't bond that well with them. It can be hard to get the kids things and get very little in return so it's actually easier to get them nothing so not to experience desappointment.

Another good point, I have half a dozen GC. Two I am really close to, they are at my house all the time, two I'd say I have a fairly normal GP relationship with them, two I'm not close at all, not allowed to be. Maternal GM is very involved and it was made clear from day one that I was an outsider. I buy them things, they do visit once or twice a year, I've never been invited to their house, they live a couple of hours away but I have called when visiting another relative in the area but never convenient.

I'm sure my DIL would say I'm distant to her kids and favour the others.

[Feelingmardy]

My MIL was lovely and often bought the kids little things. They did clutter up our house and fill them with sugar though so whilst I recognised her generosity I would have rather she didn't. Perhaps you MIL thinks like that?

[Freddiefox]

@Freddiefox

I think it depends on how much a part of the family she is. Is she held at arms length, or is she invited to events and gatherings.

Ignore that just saw your update.

[ineedaholidaynow]

She sees all of you weekly. Do you expect treats every time she visits?

[Freddiefox]

@Inni632

Does she do other nice things? Does she cook them their favourite meals? Want to spend time with them? Take them out?

My parents are very generous and always buy DS lavish gifts. My in-laws don't buy gifts at all but are constantly inviting us round and spoiling DS with love and attention. Always cooking his favourite food and baking his favourite desserts. FIL enjoys gardening so loves spending time in garden with DS. MIL is forever reading books and joining him with Peppa pig.

I don't expect any gifts from them. They do more than enough and DS knows how loved he is by both family

What a lovely relationship.

[mayaknew]

OP i know exactly what you are saying. Its not about the money its about her being good to her dgcs. It must be really upsetting watching your mum give her last penny when your MIL has plenty but can't even bother to buy her dgcs a bar of chocolate.

However, MN is really weird about things like expecting financial help from parents, free childcare from parents etc. Its bonkers. Why would you as a parent watch your children struggle financially if you could help, or let them pay hundreds of pounds a month on childcare when you could provide it for free. MN is a really weird vibe sometimes.

[vdbfamily]

my parents would give£20 or equivalent for birthdays and Christmas but nothing in between that but showed lots of love and feed and watered all 13 grandkids as required. My in laws were very wealthy but never gave anything to our children. Complex family. Thought I was not good enough. Only ever gave my husband one present, cash, on his 50 th and he promptly spent it on a tablet for his mum.
Who knows what goes through people's minds? I do know that my parents will leave anything left between the grandchildren though. I think with our kids were should just lead by example. Let them see you being kind and generous to all and they will form their own opinions about life. One of my kids was close to her dysfunctional grandma and the others were not interested as she showed no interest in them.

[RosesAndHellebores]

I do detest the concept that the older generation had everything so much easier. MILs parents were in service after the war, her father having started in the mine on his 14th birthday as the eldest of 9 and before joining the army at 18. MIL also was evacuated during the war. She went to teacher training college when it was a certificate and started teaching aged 20. She would have loved to have switched to a degree but had to send money home to her parents. When she became pregnant with DH in the early 60s she had to leave her job before the bump showed as it was unseemly. No job to return to or mat leave or pay. She's 85 now so no, not in the 19th century, the 20th.

I well remember interest rates of 15%, tax rates of 60%, and very very high unemployment rates in the early 80s. When ds was born mat leave was still 6 mo the and rarely enhanced above the statutory pay.

[Returnoftheowl]

No, but OP isn’t suggesting they should be so confused I get it, she’s not really showing any kind of effort is she, it’s not about the actual money itself

But the title is "AIBU to expect MIL to pay"
When I posted OP hadn't expanded on whether or not MIL spends much time with the kids.

[GreenMeeple]

My grandparents where very different. Just like in your situation the one that came from a poorer background (grandmother on mother's side) always had treats for us and presents. The wealthier one (grandfather on father's side) was not that interested in children.

I never loved one less than the other and never felt less loved by one or the other. They where just different types of people. My grandmother was homely and I still remember the amazing soups she used to make. My grandfather was slightly intimidating as a child but I loved listening to his stories.

Ironically I can't remember a single gift my grandmother gave me. I know she gave me lots but there is nothing specific I can remember. However, my grandfather almost never have gifts but I remember the very few occasions he did. I loved his dog and he bought me a giant dog plushy when I was in hospital and when I showed an interest in his stamp collection he gave me some books and a bunch of his doubles so I could start my own.

[Muggymama]

@NeedNewKnees

Your initial post comes across as very grasping - like unless they are slipping the grandcxhildren a fiver every visit, grandparents don't deserve visits.

Some people express affection through gift giving, some through time together, and some are pretty hands-off. All of that is OK

You seem to resent her being well off.

This is absolutely not the case. I genuinely don't understand why she wouldn't have their favourite biscuits etc. when they visit. It is the things that show she listens to them and appreciates them, it is not about financial treats at all.
I am prepared to hear IABU but it is not how I want to be and I realose my title soumds grabby and awful🙈.

[Whinginadeville]

she's from a generation where things were easierr No she wasn't you sound awful and really need to think about that sense of entitlement and harddonebyness

[Muggymama]

@GreenMeeple

My grandparents where very different. Just like in your situation the one that came from a poorer background (grandmother on mother's side) always had treats for us and presents. The wealthier one (grandfather on father's side) was not that interested in children.

I never loved one less than the other and never felt less loved by one or the other. They where just different types of people. My grandmother was homely and I still remember the amazing soups she used to make. My grandfather was slightly intimidating as a child but I loved listening to his stories.

Ironically I can't remember a single gift my grandmother gave me. I know she gave me lots but there is nothing specific I can remember. However, my grandfather almost never have gifts but I remember the very few occasions he did. I loved his dog and he bought me a giant dog plushy when I was in hospital and when I showed an interest in his stamp collection he gave me some books and a bunch of his doubles so I could start my own.

This is lovely.
The children do love her very much and tell her, she never says it back but I suppose they know she does. Maybe I need to readjust my expectations and think it is just a different relationship to I had. All my family have been very affectionate and expressive and they are with my children too so they get a good balance I suppose.