AIBU to expect MIL to pay

[Muggymama]

MIL never thought she'd have grandkids due to.my DH being lifelong batchelor but we did and she has 3; DD15, DS12 & DS10.
She never buys them anything or gives them even few pounds when they visit but is very comfortably off and currently having very extensive improvements to her house (which we have to constantly listen to hear her moaning about, mess, poor workmanship, not turning up when should yadda, yadda).
My parents on the other hand, have very little but are so kind and bring their favourite treats and contribute to trips, little luxuries, pocket money etc.
AIBU to be bit miffed with MIL?
She is from a generation when things were easier too, free higher education, good pension at very early age etc.
I know it's her money but can't help feeling she is being selfish and little treats time to time would show she cares, understands them & knows what they like/ need.

[Littlekittyscupcake]

YANBU. My in-laws are exactly the same. It’s mean. They will rely on you when they get really old and expect you to look after them. When my mil gets really old I will remember how tight and miserly she’s been all these years and won’t be going out of my way to help her.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Maybe she doesn’t like waste. So if she bought their favourite biscuits but they all didn’t get eaten. Maybe she doesn’t do treats. Does she treat herself? What sort of gifts does she like? You say you take food to her house when you visit, maybe she doesn’t think she needs to provide extra

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

I think I get you.
It's not actually about cold hard cash, you just equate cash with caring because the people who loved you growing up and still love you are thoughtful and generous and so to you gifts = love, no gifts = not caring.

Put the cash issue aside. Does she live them? Is she interested in them? Does she know the things they like and dislike? When she visits is she happy to see them? Does she show caring and interest in non financial ways. I'm guessing you're going to say no to all that, based on your other posts. That's what you need to focus on. The gift side of things is irrelevant as it's a sign of caring to you not caring itself objectively iyswim.

[ineedaholidaynow]

If the grandchildren like her and like being with her (especially if they see her weekly) then I wouldn’t worry about it. They obviously don’t think there is a problem that she is different to their other grandparents

[ineedaholidaynow]

Also some parents hate being inundated with gifts from grandparents. Also I wouldn’t like to see my parents spend all their spare cash on my kids I would rather they treat themselves

[SecretSpAD]

She's not interested and probably didn't want grandkids to begin with. There's nothing you can do and your kids don't owe her a relationship.

[IcedSpice]

@FourEyesGood

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

I would love this instead of the weird shit that my in-laws buy for our children at birthdays and Christmas.

It's weird, my dm does this, and I fucking hate it. It's lazy. It's "you're not important enough to me to make an effort to get you something you'd like "

[kcha30]

I understand you might be upset but it's her money to do as she pleases...

[FrownedUpon]

Waste of energy thinking like this. What’s the point? Get on and enjoy your life. Her money, her business.

[SecretSpAD]

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age

However if this is your attitude towards her, then frankly, if I was her I'd not want to be involved either and would be leaving my money to the local dogs home

[Croakedabiscuit]

My in laws are the same OP. They generally want us to go round to their house every month or two. Never want to go out or come to ours and have NEVER taken the kids out. They’ve never babysat. They’re also absolutely loaded and own several properties.

My parents gave my DC a little bit of pocket money for their holidays and sometimes offer to buy a coat or something. I used to get a bit of pocket money when I saw my grandparents as a child.

People have strange attitudes to money and rarely change. I don’t expect anything (otherwise I would be regularly disappointed!) but do find it baffling.

[Muggymama]

@SecretSpAD

Our children are going to be saddled with debt on completing their education, not have the same opportunities and have to work well into their old age

However if this is your attitude towards her, then frankly, if I was her I'd not want to be involved either and would be leaving my money to the local dogs home

Is it not true? This is something I think privately and not what I would convey.
You sound like a lovely, warm hearted person who I'm sure will be well loved and cared for into your old age!

[OhNoNoNoNoNo]

Mu MIL never interacted with my kids and didn’t give them money or gifts but she really loved them. It wasn’t my idea of being a good grandmother but it was what it was and I didn’t worry about it. It was just different to how my Mum was with my kids. She is always full on fussing in a very wholesome way.
My kids are closer to my Mum but they still have a relationship and closeness with my MIL. It’s just different.

[ineedaholidaynow]

What do you mean they won’t have the same opportunities? I think MIL falls in the baby boomer age. She was discouraged from doing well in her 11plus as it wasn’t for the likes of her, left school at 15 because her family couldn’t afford to not have her earning, encouraged to get married and have children young, as a woman not expected to have a career, worked in retail and was removed off the shop floor when her pregnancy showed and encouraged to leave after having the baby.

Hopefully, many more girls on this country have better opportunities than that.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

@Grapewrath

There’s a strange thing on mumsnet that once adults are grown they shouldn’t have any expectations of their parents from a support perspective or as grandparents.
They aren’t obliged to make an effort with your kids however neither should they expect anything from you in terms of effort or care etc. I don’t mean financially but I’m general.
My parents have never bothered and while it’s not an obligation I do think they’re crap grandparents as a result.
My advice is to focus on those who love and cherish your kids

I like this post, I was thinking the same thing but didn't quite know how to put it into words, YABU a little unreasonable having expectations on her because it's her choice at the end of the day, but it is a bit crap that she doesn't show any interest in her grandchildren. If your husband is anything like mine it likely really upsets him that his parents don't pay any interest in his children

[SecretSpAD]

Is it not true? This is something I think privately and not what I would convey.
You sound like a lovely, warm hearted person who I'm sure will be well loved and cared for into your old age!

No. I think a lot of younger people need to spend a bit of time reading up on the times that their parents lived through. I'm 51 btw so not particularly old unless of course you are one of those types who thinks all over 50's are old.

I'm not particularly lovely or warm hearted either, but I'm pretty sure your comment was sarcastic.

[caughtinanet]

Someone's going to be posting this about me in the future, my grandparents never gave us money or paid for things, my parents don't for my children or their other grandchildren and it wouldn't be something that would occur to me to do

In my family love and money have no connection and it would be totally alien to any of us to think there was something wrong because money isn't being pressed upon children or things paid for.

Due to geography it would be mad for my parents to buy presents and have the trouble and cost of wrapping and sending them to grandchildren so me and my siblings are sent the money to buy them. What's wrong with that? There's no gold stars for actual going to the shop are there?

[Muggymama]

@caughtinanet

Someone's going to be posting this about me in the future, my grandparents never gave us money or paid for things, my parents don't for my children or their other grandchildren and it wouldn't be something that would occur to me to do

In my family love and money have no connection and it would be totally alien to any of us to think there was something wrong because money isn't being pressed upon children or things paid for.

Due to geography it would be mad for my parents to buy presents and have the trouble and cost of wrapping and sending them to grandchildren so me and my siblings are sent the money to buy them. What's wrong with that? There's no gold stars for actual going to the shop are there?

Maybe it is about more than going to the shop, it is about knowing their likes, dislikes and interests. Obviously, if geography is an issue, then that is completely reasonable.

[Muggymama]

@ineedaholidaynow

What do you mean they won’t have the same opportunities? I think MIL falls in the baby boomer age. She was discouraged from doing well in her 11plus as it wasn’t for the likes of her, left school at 15 because her family couldn’t afford to not have her earning, encouraged to get married and have children young, as a woman not expected to have a career, worked in retail and was removed off the shop floor when her pregnancy showed and encouraged to leave after having the baby.

Hopefully, many more girls on this country have better opportunities than that.

I understand there are different circumstances for everybody. My MIL is from same era but was encouraged and did go to University, she worked and childcare was arranged with her PIL's, she finished work and accessed a very handsome pension in late 50's. Tbh this is an aside to original post though as it is about care & understanding of grandkids.

[Seesawmummadaw]

So you equate how much someone spends on your children with how much they love them?

My mum is an arsehole and throws money at my dc rather than love. She doesn’t see them and has no interest in them. She almost pays to keep them away.

My dad never spends money on them. Not even a birthday card. But he adores them, sees them regularly and is always doing things with them- teaching them how to fix a car, planting seeds, river walks etc.

My children see the love rather than the money.

[caughtinanet]

it is about knowing their likes, dislikes and interests

Even I fail at that one, my DC don't have lists of stuff they want, if they need something I buy it and in general they aren't materialistic. It's hard enough for me to buy them presents never mind anyone else. I would never want a grandparent to waste their money for the sake of buying a gift. They probably don't even expect presents from grandparents as we're not a family of big gift givers. Saves all this kind of nonsense imo.

[Smeds]

I understand where you're coming from. Its different to what you consider the norm. Perhaps it just doesn't occur to her to do the little things like get their favourite snacks in when you visit etc? My mum recently stayed with us, hadn't seen her for 18 months because of Covid. She didn't bring anything for DCs. I thought she might have brought them a colouring book or similar rather than turn up empty handed but she doesn't think the same way I do. She adores the DCs though. People show love differently.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

@Clydesider

YABU for saying she's from a generation when things were 'easier' alone.

Why? I’m a GP from a generation when many things certainly were a lot easier - house prices for one, not to mention free university fees and a cost of living grant, according to your parents’ means.

And yes, I do know about sky high interest rates for a while, but initial prices were relatively a lot lower to start with, so saving for a deposit was considerably easier.

[PalmsandCharms]

Why do the younger generation seem to have this barmy idea that things were easier for the older generation?

it certainly wasn't easier at all.....expected to leave school at 15/16....no opportunities to extend education/attend university. ...expected to take the first (low paid) menial job that came along..... 16%.mortgage rates often coupled with 100% mortgages and endowment mortgages......no opportunity to travel due to low income and not much left over after mortgage payments....no pension provisions as every penny was needed so nothing available to pay into a pension....no Help to Buy scheme (it was simply unheard of for a first time buyer to get a new build house - unlike today).

Most of the younger generation earn the same (if not more) than I do even if they haven't been to uni.

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

She gives me cash & I have to get gifts, wrap them etc. It has always been like that and she never deviates.

My DM does this. She says I'm strict with clothes, when actually the DC don't share her taste and don't wear the clothes she buys. I have explained this. She'd rather just give me the money.