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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family money is a curse?

213 replies

BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:24

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

Similarly, if you're absolutely struggling to feed your family, you'll understandably put up with all sorts for the sake of feeding your kids. I've been there.

But otherwise, being beholden to the dangled carrot of an inheritance, not being able to plan your own future, knowing that other people have the power to make or break your financial security? Nah, you're alright ta. I'll take staying in rented accommodation my whole life and live without holidays/decent cars/other keeping up with the Jones' stuff with whatever tiny buffer I can manage to scrape together from one month to the next and a degree of dignity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmergencyHydrangea · 01/08/2021 00:26

Depends on your relationship with your family and their expectations.

SisterAgatha · 01/08/2021 00:33

The “rest of us” like we are all sitting here arse licking our parents waiting for the payout. Don’t take the money and there’s your autonomy 👍🏻

WyfOfBathe · 01/08/2021 00:34

My DPs own their home, and I know their will says everything should be split between me and DSis.

Inheritance is not something I ever think about though, and I certainly don't feel beholden to it/them. It sounds like there's something more going on in your family relationships.

Mymapuddlington · 01/08/2021 00:34

I’d take it off your hands Grin

AdoptedBumpkin · 01/08/2021 00:37

My views on inheritance are rather controversial, so I'll keep them quiet, but I am inclined to agree at least in theory. Smile

Mymycherrypie · 01/08/2021 00:41

Being in the position to turn down an inheritance is already a massive privilege. No one is holding anything over you.

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:41

There's nownt to take here. Our mothers funeral wiped us out. Just an observation.

Don't know what the "rest of us" is referring to. I suppose you might be neither landed gentry nor struggling and have an inheritance that is freely given or no strings. It doesn't seem to work that way from what I can see. Maybe it's just the company I keep.

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 01/08/2021 00:44

Of course, if your landed gentry and have trust funds coming out of eyeballs there might be more autonomy and independence than the rest of us have...

^ You said the rest of us. Without considering the rest of us may have been raised in care, orphaned, without any inheritance to receive at all, without any family at all, without any owned assets to inherit. So it’s not the landed gentry and the rest of us, there are loads of people in all sorts of situations. Bemoaning free money you don’t even have to take is a bit... I dunno, crap. Take it and give it to charity?

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:45

It's not so much the inheritance I guess. More the threat/promise of one. At least as far as I can tell.

OP posts:
middleager · 01/08/2021 00:49

Nice problem to have. I come from a world without inheritance and it was only coming on here that I realised how common it seems with many MNetters who don't seem to get it isn't a 'thing' for many of us.

EmergencyHydrangea · 01/08/2021 00:50

@BeatieBourke

It's not so much the inheritance I guess. More the threat/promise of one. At least as far as I can tell.
Thats about having manipulative, controlling relatives though, not about the money
Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:50

Ah, I see. I think I meant the landed gentry might have more financial autonomy than all of everyone else? Of course there are myriad differences/inequalities within that. But if you're not trust fund wealthy, than you have less financial autonomy than that strata of society, albeit in degrees.

To be clear, I don't have any inheritance to receive. But I know people that do. None of them vastly wealthy, but all with quite a lot at stake. I don't think I envy them. That's what I'm pondering.

OP posts:
EmergencyHydrangea · 01/08/2021 00:52

I don't even understand why you are giving this headroom

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 00:54

What do you mean by landed gentry?

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 00:54

I don't really understand what your issue is?

DeathByWalkies · 01/08/2021 00:56

I may inherit - my parents are both homeowners.

But equally the money could all go on care home fees, or they could leave it to the proverbial dogs home.

I've always planned my finances on the basis that I won't inherit. If I do, it's a bonus and will make things easier. But I'm not relying on it, and therefore I'm not beholden to them.

mafted · 01/08/2021 00:57

I don't know what you mean. I've never met anyone who's had inheritance dangled like a carrot Confused

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 00:57

I'm not from a family where inheritance is a thing. I've recently found out that for a lot of people it is a thing. I think it's odd that people lives lives are governed by something so beyond their own making/choosing.

Of course having an inheritance to turn down, or even imagining turning down an imaginary one, is a massive privilege. 5 years ago I probably would have thought differently, because my rented home was awful, my job insecure and my child ill.

Now my work is secure, my rented house nice, my child is well. If I had something hanging over me that could change all that for the better but also for the worse, and was outside my control...I'm not sure I'd want it.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 01:00

Good for you

I'll probably get a very large inheritance and the downside is thst my parents will be dead, which will be hideous

Pedalpushers · 01/08/2021 01:01

I don't know, I lag behind (in society terms) all of my friends who paid for house deposits, weddings, travel and childcare etc from generous inheritance where I do not and will never have anything. I might be free of expectation or obligation but I'm still in a three room flat staring down at bills I can't pay while friends who are no smarter and have worked no harder have things easier.

Money is not the root of happiness but sometimes it gives the choices that make happiness a lot easier.

The landed gentry often don't have much in terms of cash assets, they are often quite cash poor in their huge estates.

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 01:03

I don't get the vitriol. One of my parents is already dead and that was hideous. The other is skint.

OP posts:
Bryonyshcmyony · 01/08/2021 01:05

Not sure what your point is? Do you think I do things for my parents that I don't want to do in case I don't get the cash?

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 01/08/2021 01:09

No, that's not what I'm saying. I just think its weird to build your life around the assumption that you might recieve something one day. And I know people who worry about whether they will or they won't. And I think I'd rather know that I won't and have some certainty.

OP posts:
LipstickLou · 01/08/2021 01:21

Inheritance is a weird one. I have a friend who will inherit £1m. She spends everyday waiting for it and trying to borrow against it. I find it distasteful. She doesn't work because she won't need to! I didn't inherit money but a few antique items which I cherish.

Ilovecharliecat · 01/08/2021 02:07

When my Grandmother died she's had a princely sum of £600 in a savings account which I was a signatory for, she always told me that after her days (she was 94 when she died) it was to mine, I split it with my brother, to me it was right to me that I did that. Our Dad passed away 3 months ago and my brother and I will have a good inheritance, I'd give that away in a heartbeat to have our Dad back.